IHOP

It's really hard to get that backpack out and pack again, by myself. To know none of you will be at the other end...and aren't here now. To not laugh or joke about whose packing what and how small my bag is. To roll Jenn's shirt and Liz's hoodie because there mine now but every time I look at them, their still theirs. But wearing them makes the distance and the space seem a little smaller.

To sit and hold her knowing Jenny's on her way over and I have to put you down and you don't understand why I'm leaving or when I'll be back. I'm not even sure if you really understand how much I love you.

And the truth is I don't want to go. I don't want to travel again as short as it may be. I'm still living out of a damn suitcase...

But I'm learning to cling to him and him alone. And I know He's going to speak and move in me in huge ways...and so I go. I hope You know, I'm searching for you. I'm running after you. You are the only thing that matters, really matters in my life. I just want you and more of you. I'm yours. Use me.

Where I've Come To With him

I didn't realize until I got home from dropping Abbi off at work that I had passed his house. There was no part of me that needed to go back. No part of me that needed to prove myself, to show him I did it. To tell him anything. To hurt him, to yell, to scream. I pulled into our driveway and it dawned on me that I had passed his and didn't even notice.

This is what forgiveness feels like isn't it?

Random Home Musings

I really didn't think that anyone still read this.

Yes, it's really hard. There are a lot of things I should have thought about before, loose ends I should have tied up, things I should have prepared for that I didn't and they are making it hard. I should have thought it would be really hard not to have a bed, really hard not to have my car, any of my own things.

The one relationship I was petrified of losing, and then convinced would never change...has. I knew it would I guess but not like this. That was my processing plan, having her here.

Psalms 13 is great. And so is the new Barlow Girl c.d.
And so is driving...even if it's not my car and it's just to run an errand for someone else. It's nice to be behind the wheel. That wil always be one of my most favorite things in the world, driving when it's dusk in winter, with music. I don't care where I'm going or why I'm going there. I love driving.

I love that Izze makes everyone sing the secret song and do a dance party before they can open her Burger King toy. Reminds me of Tim. And because she cried today and when I asked her what was wrong she said she just wanted to be naked. That reminds me of the boys too. She calls soccer: football but gets upset because she wants to be able to play in high heels. Reminds me of Jenn.

God is good.

This is so random. I am a writer but I'm trying so hard to keep myself in charge of my emotions and there going nuts. So pardon.

New Years will be nice to just start everything new...

I miss Jenn and Kevin.

I love being like best friends with someone before you ever talk on the phone. I love talking to Bitsy on the phone.

Jet lag or emotional...either way I can't eat but boy can I drink. (I've gone through $20 in Caribou gift cards in 2 days!)

Home

It is so much harder then I thought it would be to be "home"

2 weeks to go

I have 9 minutes to write this to you.

I've down to mangaged my minutes out it's so crazy here. Please pray for endurance, for my to remember what is important to me in this time and not try for more then I can take.

This is the last week of lectures, next week I think we might have two and then we have a lot of packing and getting ready for outreach. Yet this week I have to get my last book report done (due Friday), prepare my creative presentation (presenting Friday) work with my group to get our movie presentation done (presenting Friday), do my journal (due Monday but I still don't have it back from Jenn yet), get letters with the official Turkey pictures sent which means getting to the post office during operating hours, I have to work with Liz about a video part of mine that somehow got deleted. I also have to be in lectures for 3 more days, tonight one of our staff is having a huge 21st birthday party, Friday night we're back in Christchurch for our last night of Evangelism and Saturday our whole school is going to Methven. In and amongst this I need to be getting everything set for Turkey which means getting a calling card so I can call my bank, call home, and such. Honestly it's so hard because my heart wants to just sit and talk and be the shoulder and invest in relationships which are so important to me and which are radically going to change now as we head into outreach but its' so hard when I know I have to so much that is due and I'm so anal about getting it all in on time.

But God is good, lectures this week are amazing and if our schedule was any different it wouldn't be right, this is exactly what I prayed for. I would rather die of exhaustion then boredom and this time is so unique to who I am in this place.


Please know I do miss you, I desire to talk to everyone and send home trinkets and letters and what not but it is just so crazy here. I love you and miss you. Know I think and pray about all of you and that is so much more important.

3 weeks to Outreach...
There is a last desperate plea for finances. Mostly because this is the last week that (well I suppose by human means) a check could get to me and get processed before I leave.(If sent from the states)...so again if there is n ability to support this mission financially please do.

This weekend I was gone again, I went back to Methven to stay with Pastor Annie and Mark for Jane's suprise party. It was great fun to hang out with everyone. It feels like Methven is my second home in NZ and I love my family there. I got to talk to Shaz for a long time and that was fun, we're really similar...I hope she can get into Christchurch on Friday and hang out. Sunday morning I lead worship...yea I know. I didn't have Luke there to lead and my just fill in the gaps and sing backing. This time God said, it's time to lead. It was good. God is sovereign and it's cool just to see when we live out His plan. After church Annie and I were talking and praying for a long time and it was really good...God totally showed up and spoke through her and just really confirmed some things in my heart and in my head. Speaking of leading, I lead Cleft on Friday night. It's so crazy how every night it looks so different, that ministry is never the same and I love that. We're so flippant when we pray God we'll do what you want, this is your ministry. He makes sure that happens with Cleft, he makes sure we never get too comfortable and never get to sure we know what we're doing or what is going on.

I tried riding on Saturday but even thou I can walk on my ankle, being in a boot and having a board on really hurt...so I spent most of the day in the lodge which was fine. I kind of assumed I might so I brought my homework to work on and my laptop and messed around with everyones iPods and worked on my video.

I watched my first Rugby game on Saturday night. Which I'll say will be my sporting obsession when I get home, The All Blacks are flaw less!!! I mean seriously they can't make mistakes I think. But man Rugby is a mans man sport, it makes the NFL players look like pansies!

So there is your quick update.
Prayer Points:
Direction and guidance and wisdom concerning some post YWAM decisions.
Insane vision and direction regarding Turkey, continued unity and passion for that place in and amongst our team. Safety, finances.
Just real presence of the Spirit in the last 3 weeks we have together in lecture phase. A huge amount of focus and concentration for the speakers and what they have to bring, just that last surge of passion and drive to get through it and head into Outreach.
Just a real joy among all us brothers and sisters that we would just enjoy each others company and learn from each other and just really look for opportunities to love on each other.

Update

It should be the first day back at school back at home. I'm sorry I have not written in ages. I hope everyone is getting on ok. I know it's a rough week for my family when everyone has to leave each other and go back to the respective schools and jobs, etc. I try not to make it real, in my head it's still summer and your all just enjoying each others company waiting for me to get home. I don't want to really accept the fact that life goes on and my baby is going to daycare. I think that's the hardest part for me this week. But life does go on, God is good and I am where I'm supposed to be.

Sorry I have not updated you often enough as I had planned. Things have gotten so hectic as lecture phase is very quickly coming to an end. We have something like 3 weeks left until we leave for outreach. Our speakers just continually get better and we just keep getting closer to each other and learning more and more about who we are in Him and what He's called us to do. It was really good for me last night to write down 5 things that I'm passionate about and that identify me...you know narrow them down to 5 was hard and I defiantly found my way around some of them but this is me basically in a nut shell:
1. The Nations. (Specifically the US, New Zealand, The Middle East and Africa).
2. Calling Isabelle into her destiny, facilitating her passions and creativity and enabling her to walk in her God given identity. Less specific would be calling children and women in their destiny....etc. etc. Marked by deep growing mutually edifying relationships that reflect the intimacy and character of Christ relationships. To help to put in place and grow girls into passionate Christ followers and history makers who fully understand and walk in there identity He has created in them.
3.Speaking and Writing. Using and being used in that area. Photo and art.
4. Running a community center/cafe/shelter/home/school/something? Someday. Community! Upper room, raising children there.
5. Being outside. Meeting, being, singing there. Mountains, oceans, forests.

We had to make these lists before we learned about human trafficking to show how much freedom we have to pursue these dreams and passions.

This weekend we took a trip to the west coast and stayed in a hostel. We went got to see the beautiful ocean, like we were totally on the tropical side of the island so it feels and looks like your on the set of LOST. We went through the rainforest. It was the most beautiful couple days of my life. (Visually)

Tonight team Turkey is going into Christchurch for our outreach meeting to have dinner and meet with Stacy and Aaron because they've both been to Turkey. (They both live at the Sk8 house).

I'm doing so well. Tired but good. I miss you and I think of you often. I pray everything is going well and you are blessed as your start school and work again.

Yes its true.

Hey All-
If you have not heard, it is true. I've had a pretty bad accident on the mountain Tuesday. (We rearranged classes and other priorities and went up to the mountain Tuesday because it was the best day of the season). To make a long story short and spare myself extra energy trying to write details you won't understand, I fell and sprained my ankle and hit my head. I was back boarded into the med center at the mountain and they casted my foot. After we dropped everyone else off at base Jenn picked me up and took me to the ER where they had to transfer me to trauma because I was blacking out and losing consciousness constantly. They ended up making me wear a neck collar and lay flat for hours while they pumped me with morphin and took x-rays. Nothing is broken praise God and I got discharged about 6 hours later. Jenn and I stayed in Christchurch for the night and came back to base the next morning. Thursday we had our first Love Feast (which is YWAM speak for a really nice dinner where we all dress up) and reveal our "Angels" which is more YWAM speak for a game called "Angels and Mortals" which is basically secret santa all week. During the dinner and party I was getting progressively worse and ended up vomiting multiple times. So I had to be taken to the ER again. They wanted to keep me over night to to a CT scan this morning but I said no. (As a side note yes, I see today it was a stupid move but in the moment of pain and exhaustion and wanting to crawl out of my skin from pain meds I just wanted to get home.) And today I am fine. But there is your long story and update so the pictures of me in crutches make more sense.

Tommorow we leave for Church Servicing week which is where we are split into our outreach teams and go serve a New Zealand church for the week. We stay with different families from the church and do a whole bunch of different things. The Turkey team leaves early because we are going to Methven so we go a day earlier to do the normal SAturday night dinner on the house but we just happen to be staying all week to serve that church. I'm excited, I was talking to my school leader Ben tonight (Ben and Jenn thought it would be better for me to stay home from Friday Night evangelism to rest my ankle and just have some time to rest after a crazy couple days) anyways Ben was just saying how awesome church serving week is going to be and what a time of rest and rejuvenation it will be. I'm excited for the time to really be able to rally with my team and just stand together in constant prayer and ministry and really blend as a family.

It's been a little lonely to have the house all to myself when I haven't had more then 2 seconds alone in the last 6 weeks but it has been good. I took an extremely long hot shower, Jenn did my laundry before she left so I've now packed clean clothes for church serving week, I journaled and read my Bible and spent some time in prayer, I ate supper in bed and watched an episode of Lost. I'm with my team in prayer and I know they'll soon be meeting at Starbucks and then getting ready to head out to the church. Soon the Square Ministry and Skatepark guys will be back so I better enjoy my last couple hours and head to bed early. But I wanted to send off an update before I headed out of town.

Prayer Points are pretty similar still:
financies for my Turkey team. Some of us have it all, some of us have a portion, some of us have none. I pray and ask that you would pray that God would continue to provide for our whole family and not allow fear or doubt to play any part here.
For the quick and super natural healing of my ankle.
For the protection of my family at home and peace and joy to reign in our house.
For the wonderful time and divine appointments on church serving week, that we would use this time to blend as a family and prepare ourselves and our hearts for our time in Turkey.

Update

Things are going well this week.

Sunday a small group of us went to church in the evening in Christchurch. After church we decided to stop at this pier on the ocean. If you walk to the very end of the pier the next city over, when all lit up at night is shaped like a heart and you can see it from very end of the pier. Underneath the lights are neon purple so these huge waves are crashing in bright purple. It was amazing. Then we decided to go and run in the surf. It just so happened that I was in a skirt (yes, I really had put laundry off that long...) and because of the exhaustion from Saturday I had just left my hair so it was curly...so in all honesty? I've never felt that beautiful in my life. That was my Captivating moment, running in barefeet under a million stars through the biggest, most, amazing ocean in the world.

Honestly at the angle we were at if we set out in a boat, we would hit nothing...ever. Except His love, God was the only thing out there. It was amazing! (Luke is going to edit the pictures and manipulate them a bit and then I'll post them).

Sunday Jenn challenged me to a day of silence since I'm constantly so hard on myself so Monday I didn't speak at all and it was so incredible difficult on so many levels. Everyone knew I couldn't talk so they would purposely search me out and say things to me that they knew I couldn't refute. "Hey Beautiful girl." "Mandi, you just absolutely reflect the heart of God." "Mandi, you are so amazing." AH! It was also so easy to live Pslams 46 "Be still and know that I am God." It also just so happened that I was to speak Tuesday that day after so I had a lot of fresh new revlation to share. I didn't even really realize when I got up to speak how vulnerable and honest I was being but man, it was good. As far as that email goes...yea I know I'm supposed to speak. It's just a matter of God telling me when to go.

So that's basically the update for today. Prayer points? Finances. I really need outreach money to start coming in. I'm still short $2500 NZ, the quicker that money comes in the better exchange rate I will get because literally it's getting worse everyday. Checks can be sent to me at the YWAM address I posted her earlier. Just make sure they are written to YWAM. This is huge, keep up in your prayers. We're convinced miracles are coming our way, we've already seen many but we need major ones now.

Outreach!

I didn't know...

Wow, it's times like these that I really want to be back home. I had no idea anything had happened to any bridge in MN until someone here took me aside and told me call home after they had seen it on the cover of the New Zealand newspaper and all over the BBC. It's so hard to see those pictures from so far away and know that is my home. Praise God that you are all home and safe. From what we know Kevin (the other MN-ion) his family and friends are safe from what he has heard so far. None of the others from the midwest believe they had any family or friends near Minneapolis so as far as we're concerned families are ok. We are praying though.

This week has been really hard, we're doing The Father Heart of God...and it's hard to have to dig through stuff that I've buried down for so long. I've spent more time crying this week then I have the entirety of my trip. One more lecture...one more lecture.

**Queenstown pictures are on my facebook**

Tonight we're back to Christchurch to work with Cleft again. And supposedly we're supposed to find out about outreach this morning...

My book report got done and emailed off to Jenn like 1230 last night and I'm sick. Yea, just lift me up in prayer today...I really need Abba Father to come down and just hold me today.

Care packages

I got a package!!!!!!!!!

Today I was trying to take a nap because wow, I need sleep but my roomie comes yelling through the hall and has this huge box for me from Mom. Ahhh, it was so great, American snack food, slippers, a brush!!!! chapstick, pictures and letters and a painting from Izzerbelle. So I called Mom and talked to her for a long time. I was able to share with her the AMAZING-NESS of our Queenstown trip (which I know I have not told you yet because I wanted to add pictures to it) but I forgot my SIM card at the Lighthouse church which is almost 9 hours south of here so I have to wait until they send it back up here, hopefully sometime this week. Queenstown was amazing thou. Honestly...The Holy Spirit is amazing...

Also I was able to share with her what I chose for outreach. (I'll let you all know when the teams have been set in stone). I think she's supportive, I can understand if she and the rest of the fam are nervous, I am too I guess but the Lord is good. I honestly believing I am listening to his voice in chossing this country, this area has been on my heart for a long time. I'm excited...God is good.

I also got a letter from Grandma yesterday and Mom said she's also sending a pack of snacks. You have no idea how much joy and comfort getting mail gives me. As amazing as this place is and as near as I feel to God it is nice to have a connection to home and have a reason to smile and let the good tears run. Thanks guys. I love you.

Outreach

China-Beijing
China- Shag hi
India
Fiji
Turkey
Jordan

Our choices and reasoning are due in tomorrow, teams will be announced Wednesday.

We're going to Queenstown! It's early morning and I just finished packing which I'm sure you're all astounded at. We have the same morning duties and then worship and then it's a mad dash to the vans. Liz, Bitsy and I have a plan we think might half way work to get three spots in Jenn's van. And Alice is back from the hospital and coming with us which is a huge huge answer to prayer!

Everybody get Sykpe!!!! You'll love it, don't you J and Mom? It's half way awkward when I talk and you type back because your microphone is permanently muted.

Ok I need to journal and eat breakfast (toast and Nutella baby!) and pack all my snacks in my backpack before I go to morning duties.

Prayer and Queenstown

We leave for Queenstown tomorrow morning!!! I'm stoked!

Please pray for my heart this week. Our speaker is amazing, and I know that God is offending my mind to reveal my heart and my opinions are nothing compared to the truth that I know of my God. But obviously I've come into this with my opinions and the "truth" that I've been raised with and learned in my church and different places that I've been schooled. I just pray that God would reveal himself to me through His word, that I would keep my mind guarded but open and that my heart would stay pure before Him. And of course that I would keep my attitude in check.

I need to pack and go to the store and buy "sweeties" for the drive.
Love and kisses!

My Facebook Note

I posted this note on facebook today, I'm adding it anywhere else it may be seen.

I have been asked by a few people now how to support me now that I am in New Zealand. First and foremost thank you for asking. The need is very very great. Not just for me but for my team and our staff. My brothers and sisters.

My same struggle before I left is evident now when planning outreach, flights have gone up in price drastically and seem to keep going up everyday. But God is great. Scripture says that if we don't testify the rocks will cry out and we will not allow the rocks to cry out in our place in these countries. We will not allow satan to grip the lost anymore. God has intricately designed each of us for such a time as this and we WILL go.

I cannot track down every Rotarian I ever spoke to, it's not possibly for me to stay in contact with every person I sent a letter to. And so I'm now I boldly ask if you would support us financially. If you feel led to a certain dollar amount give double, God will bless you double even that. Forward this on, print it out, tell people about us. I've been called in this time to be trained and stay in prayer for these finances. No one in YWAM is ever paid because it would take away the responsibility of the church to train up and support missionary's. As the body of Christ we fight in this army together.

There is an intensity and passion about this group that is beyond words. God has begun a good work in us. There are close to 50 young people here being trained up to disciple nations. There are already people here who been called to enter into missions and ministry full time.

My address is
Attn: Amanda Stavnaw
YWAM Oxford
PO Box 47
Oxford, North Canterbury 7443
New Zealand

Also please please check my blog, it will be the most current information I have.

http://tonarnia.blogspot.com/

Love and blessings!
Mandi

It's already morning, I need to go to bed!

Ahh...what it's like to be "back in school." It's 2:00 AM and I just got done with my journal that is due tomorrow at 2:45! I have not even started trying to memorize the passage I have to have memorized for our memory verse test tomorrow. (Also at 2:45) All my YWAM friends will already know this so you can blank out but for the non YWAM friends I'll fill you in. Every Monday we have to turn in journals, they are supposed to have a summery of lectures notes, thoughts and opinions, it's supposed to be at least 1 page and I think mine this week was about 4 pages. Then we have to write a page about our memory verse and how God's spoke to us through the passage we are supposed to memorize (2 Peter 1:3&4 and Psalms 119:147). Then we have to do a charecter study on one of the attributes of God. Last week I did protector this week I did healer (Jehovah Rapha). Those are always short because I never know what to do...this weeks is better. Then lastly we have to have a personal reflection which is quite obvious (mine was was 6 pages long!). Jenn designed us notebooks to use for our journals and she's going to have to make me a new one because we're only 3 weeks in and I only have like 15 pages left! Liz and Bitsy are still up working on theres so we're mostly just messing around now, boy am I going to hate myself in 4 hours when I have to wake up.

Weekend warrior was a lot of work. It was fun but it was tough. I'm glad we only have to do it once. Also yesterday on the hill was pretty bad for our team. Laura my roommate from London broke her wrist, we think Sam the Kiwi has a broken wrist but he won't go in, Lindsy bruised the bone on her knee and has to be on crutches, and Alice broke both bones in her arm. She's been in the hospital since Saturday. She was supposed to have surgery today to put a rod in but they weren't able to do it. Pray for Alice and her surgery and that God would put a hedge of protection around us while we snowboard.

On Thursday we're going to Queenstown which is like 6 hours away (no worries I've talked my friend Luke into driving me into Christchurch to buy the new Harry Potter book before we leave), we're staying at a camp there and visiting this really cool church I guess. Also obviously we're going to Snow Park to ride for a day so that should be flipping amazing!!!! We come home late Sunday night I think.

Rumor says we find out about outreach this week. I think they want to know what our teams are by not this weekend but the next so that's both nerve racking and exciting. We're already talking about how hard it's going to be when we have to all be split up for church serving week (where we split up into our outreach teams and go serve some New Zealand church for a week) and then obviously when we actually go on Outreach. We're all so clinging and cuddly when one person leaves it's like we go nuts. God's got crazy cool plans thou so...you know. One day at a time.

Cleft

So I'm weekend warrior. (Means everyone else is out snowboarding and I'm here waiting to start cooking and cleaning for everyone else!) It's ok though, my roommate Liz stayed home with me so we're hating ourselves for being stupid American's and not being able to start a fire and messing around on the computer. I called home and got to talk to my Mom, Abbi, Pattie and at least hear Izze say no she didn't want to talk to me.

Last night I went to the Cleft. I knew my first night would be shell shocked but I guess I just didn't realize exactly what I was in for. And I guess I didn't realize I might want to edit myself and the real level of danger I was in when I told Mom about it. (Sorry bout that Mom). It was intense is the best word I can think of. I was the second team to walk out and I was on the prayer side and for the most part my words coulden't even make it out of my mouth, thank God for a Maker who can read my heart. Just to see these girls and oh my gosh just the fear in me and being out in this cold and the rain and knowing this is there job, they have to do this. And don't let people tell you that they want to be out there, these woman do not want to be out there. But when you have hungry mouths to feed there is nothing you will not do... I just think there is a reason this city is called "Christchurch," this is His city!

As far as the pictures go:
1.) Our messy room, my bed. Thought Abbi would like to see that.
2.) On Thursday we went this tiny little coffee shop for small group. Leave it to Jenn to find your so stereotypical foreign coffee shops. Maybe one of the most difficult small group meetings I've ever been to in my life but one of the best places. I have to get everything soy because my stomach has still not gotten back to normal but I'm kind of ok with it, you learn to live with it I suppose.
3.) After small groups Jenn took us to this gorge to take pictures and this was the most beautiful water I've ever seen. (As is everything here)
4.) This is me, walking...moving forward.
5.) This is Jenn and me.

Friday Night Evangalism

Tonight is Friday here, in a few hours the Cleft team is leaving. We are 6 girls (plus Jenn) and 2 guys who are going into Christchurch at 5. The two other evangalism teams have already left. See the thing with YWAM is, your typical YWAM is really evangalism based and Oxford is super training and teaching based so we have to add in these nights that we're out there really sharing God's love or we'll get so caught up in our little school bubble. So anyways they sent the Skatepark team out to hang out with the skaters (the legal drinking age here is 18 so like American's they start even earlier then that, like 12 or so..so those guys have there work cut out for them). Then we sent another team into the Square...which is just the center of Christchurch to hang out, play soccer and talk to people. Then you have the Cleft team, and we don't come out until after dark. No seriously, we're going into Christchurch to eat or shop for a couple hours and we don't actually start ministry stuff until most of the shops close. We're ministering to the prostitutes here. Prostitution is legal in New Zealand so it's kind of odd you know trying to miniter to people at "work" but obviously it's a huge area of spiritual warfare for these woman. From what I understand we'll have three mini teams, one will stay at the church in Christchurch and be intercessors and then one team will walk the street talking to girls and the other team will walk the oppisite side of the street praying for the talking team. I have a heart for girls, I always have. Especially girls who've been victims of or witnessed sexual sin but this will be such a strech for me. We know that we're walking into a huge huge area of spiritual warfare and an area with a high risk of physical danger just because of the ministry we're doing. So now I'm in a place of needing to trust the guys on my team...which ya...is not something I'm good at. But satan will not win and this team and the girls of this city belong to the King. Please hold us all up in your prayers. I'm sure I'll update you shell shocked tommorow while I'm at home on weekend warrior.

Quick Update!

Hey Guys-
I've gotten a few requests for a big long update and that's not what this will be but I'll try to fill you in quickly. (I have an hour before small group starts and I stayed up late watching "A Walk To Remember" so I want to squeeze in a nap).

Things are going wonderfully. Wonderfully I mean we're loved by a wonderful God, things aren't always fun but His will is perfect.

I just ate lamb for the first time and I think I might throw up now that it's like sitting in me and I know I have to walk back home and look at live sheep across the street...ugh. Last night for dinner we had "fish pies"...well I had one bite and then we ran to the store up the street and bought stuff for s'mores. Bring on the fasting!

I have started lectures so here's basically what my day looks like
615 the alarm goes off and I push snooze :)
620 I get out of bed.
630 the lights get turned on in our room and quiet time starts. Most of the time I'll sit up in my bed and read with my iPod but sometimes I'll go into our lounge and read in front of the fire.
730 is breakfast. Everyone who lives at the highstreet house eats breakfast there so we're usually talking and laughing by now. Staffs back from there meeting and Jenn, Laura, Ben and Dave eat with us (since they live with us)
800 we have to be at work duties. I come to the main base and help chop veggies for lunch.
845 we have to be at the church up the street for morning stuff, mondays are intercession, tuesdays is Bible study groups, wednesday is intercession(but we go for a half hour longer on wednesdays so we don't have work duties) thursdays is worship and fridays is...I don't know what.
10 Lectures start.
1130 We have tea break.
1150 We go back into lecture
1250 we go back to the house for lunch at one
2-5 Afterlunch Mondays we have community work duties which are the like other chores around the town, Tuesdays we have free afternoons and staff has there BLS classes, Wednesdays we have outreach prep (And Jenn and I have our officall one on one time) Thursdays we have small groups and Fridays we have free afternoon.
6 We eat dinner.
Afterdinnner on Mondays we have worship, Tuesdays nights we have World Awarness and Missions nights, Wednesday we have free, Thursdays are sports night and Friday nights we go into Christchurch to shop and hang out and then do evangalism ministrys until well in my case early saturday morning.
Saturdays we snowboard except me this weekend, I'm weekend warrior which means I have to stay back and help cook and clean so everyone else can snowboard. We all have to do it once.
Sundays we go to church, eat and act like crazy people trying to get journals done. Nights we mostly eat each others snacks and watch movies on someones lap top or hang out.

I decied Tuesday I want to read the whole Bible in a month so now I've added a whole lot more quiet time to my day so most of my free time is spent in the word but I find time to hang out and build relationships too.

God is so so good. I do mean to call and I have a phone card now with a couple hundred minutes, I'll try to get on the phone on Saturday to call back while everyone is out riding and I bought a bunch of post cards that I do mean to send out to y'all. I miss you, but life is crazy busy and I LOVE it. God is good, He is so real and so amazing.

I've got a lot of battling to do in the next few weeks for my freedom in Him, that much is obvious but the Lord is good, His grace is sufficent for me (2 Cor.)

Cheers!

Mt. Hutt

So snowboarding in MN is kind of like only knowing gas station instant coffee and enjoying it because it's coffee how could you not but maybe you think something out there is better and then someone introduces you to Starbucks and it blows your mind. Is this really coffee? That's what snowboarding here is like. 45 minutes into the ride to Mt. Hutt I had my head inbetween my knees crying because I was so scared. It's up in the Mountains, think like past the tree line and we're on the road of death! And I'm getting dressed scared out of my mind.

Fast forward 2 hours and you have my on the mountain...I fly thru the shadows and into the sun and I could not breath. And it all just clicked, the beauty and hugeness of it all made me speechless. It was like God says "Why do you think I brought you here?"

Anyways I have to say, snowboarding in MN might be impossible after living here. One of my leaders slashed his knee open and had to get stiches (they do that right at the lodge in NZ) and our other leader cut his nose open and one of our girls who stayed back at base as weekend warrior ended up in the ER after a trampoline accident. So keep our safty and protection in your prayers if you could.

I just think it's kind of hilarious that my best friend was lifeguarding in 100 and something degree weather and I'm here boarding. In July! It was beyond was I can explain.

YWAM is just, this is...I get speechless like this a lot lately. I miss you all. I'm getting a calling card Monday which is Sunday for y'all so if you get some weird call with like 15 digits answer, it's me.

Staffs Out!

Today has been a wonderful day (staff is gone tonight so if you've been through YWAM you can go ahead and guess at the state of my base tonight).

This mornings I had a very great quiet time. Might help my that as I was getting out of my bed my roommate sent me back up into bed so she could get out the guitar and sing me the wake up song. Haha ok actually it was really good. I was reading that verse that says "Taste and see that the Lord is good," and of course I can't find the refrence now but it just totally hit me how real that is for me now and it reminded me of all the new foods. Some of them look really amazing and taste awful and some of them I have not wanted to eat but I tried it and it was super good. (I'm due for my first bite of lamb on Friday when we go into Christchurch) but it just reminded me how I have to be like that with the Lord and this faith and all these new things I'm forced to trust and put my faith in. "Taste and see," I have to take that first step, I have to step out and allow Him to show me He is indeed good.

I had my first one on one today. (Meeting with my small group leader for those of you who don't speak YWAM) and it was really good. I guess I'm really learning to trust Jenn and allow God to love me through her and trust her guidance and wisdom in this place. Yea, I love her. She is wonderful.

Then this afternoon Laura gave a lecture about the holy of holies and how we are the new temple of the Holy Spirit and she used a chunk of verses from Ephesians that almost made me lose my breath.

"...as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splenor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish."

I'm learning to fall in love with the word...and this man Jesus, and these people. I must say I'm excited to go into Christchurch Friday to get a phone card. I miss hearing your voices.

I live here y'all!

We went into "Oxford" yesterday which basically consists of 2 shops, 2 churches and the YWAM base.

We talked financies yesterday and my lecture phase is paid for!!! Praise Jesus! But I'm still short for outreach so that rides on my ever thining nerves but I know I'm supposed to be here so I know He will provide.

A lot has gone on, we started lectures yesterday and work duties this morning but I just got done emailing family so my my brain (and my body) are exhausted and my fingers are freezing.

If anyone is wondering... :)

I miss letters :)
Slippers and slid on shoes
and American Snack food.

Tim Tam Slam!

This is for you Sarah Dear. Guess what we're doing here?!?! I was one of the only Americans who could do without hands!!!

My luggage got here!!! I've never been so excited to see my luggage! They totally broke the wheel off my pin stripe burton bag but I don't care I was so excited to get in clean clothes and wear deodorant. I'm excited to go to bed with my sleeping bag and blankets.

I had an extremely encouraging letter in my bag that I'd been tearfully waiting for. And I've had some really encouraging conversations. One of my leaders went to onething a few years ago so we were just spilling about how amazing it is. And just a lot of really cool conversations. One thing God keeps telling me is I am beautiful which you don't know how hard that is for me to accept. Especially when I felt so disgusting in dirty clothes. I think thou, it was better for me to be a day without my things. I was totally out of my zone and had really nothing to cling to except my Jesus. Although first I turned to tears before Him, it was a unique experience now that I look back on it. It is really crazy to be part of this romance with Him. I got this letter about how in love with me He is and then we had our first time of worship just us which was amazing and we sang that song "And I'm madly in love with you, and I'm madly in love with you." Just over and over and over again and wow. This like almost scandalous romance, really I almost feel...I don't know is it ok that we love each other like this? Yes, I suppose it is.

So this is YWAM...we had leaders testimony's tonight and introduction-y type stuff. More formalities and things like that tomorrow.

Love and blessings.

Oxford

Well I'm here. The first few hours were extremely hard on me. They lost my luggage in LA so it was really hard to unpack and make myself at home without anything that actually belonged to me. Thankfully my small group leader Jenn borrowed me some junk to get me through the shower and a shoulder when I needed to just break down for a while.

It's getting much better already. We have a couple different buildings and I live in the main house with lets see there's 4 girls in my room, 6 in the next, Jenn and Laura and then a bunch of guys in the other wing. Theres a I think 4 other girls in the main base too. With almost everyone here it's getting easy to find a group to sit and talk with. Most of us house girls have hit it off really well. There's 3 of us Midwest girls, me, Bitsy (Shy-Town) and Jenn.

Jenn went to the airport to pick up the last girl from my small group and she's going to check my luggage, if she can't catch it then they should have it delivered by tomorrow for sure. Which is wonderful, I stink already, I want my Jenny's blanket, and I need some base layer, it's frickin freezing. It's to dang bad if your an American and don't like tea, you'll like it after 12 hours here...you better or you'll freeze.

Everyone should get skype. Everyone says I need it, you talk thru the computer long distance and it's free. Like instance messenger but with voice.

We don't actually start anything until tomorrow afternoon so we're mostly just messing around, getting to know each other. You should hear all the accents.

I still can't believe I'm here.
I still can't believe I'm doing this.
But my God is here, already, even in the fear and the insecurity He finds me. Always.

Much love from my side of the world at the frozen bottom of the mountains.

Happy 4th Everybody!

Seeing as how I cannot sleep and my stomach is in too many knots to eat I'll go ahead and update. We're down to my last day. I'm almost done with all the little packing things so I can just spend the day with my sisters today. For everyone whose wondering, we're doing fine while Mom and Jon are gone. We've managed not to burn the house down, we're getting along wonderfully (I wish we could get along like this when Mom is home and half of us are not moving but...). We've eaten half way decently this week (at least we all make sure Izze does, us three older ones have had some interesting meals to say the least). I don't think any laundry has gotten done and Mom might be appalled at how late we've stayed up and how early they sleep in but I know she'll be happy to come home to a clean house and happy girls. (There will be plenty of diet coke left too)!

For those of you who want it here's my address while I'm gone:

Attn: Amanda Stavnaw
YWAM Oxford
PO Box 47
Oxford, North Canterbury 7443
New Zealand

And obviously you've found your way to my blog. Enjoy it, I'll try to post pictures as often as I can. Here's your first, final and only warning, I have a tendency to be honest on these things...to a fault perhaps (and sometimes I completely sugar coat and code word everything I'm really thinking) I'm kind of guessing most of you will see right through it.

Thank you all for all your love, support, encouragement and prayers for this journey. Please continue to lift me up as I travel to New Zealand. I will miss you all! Update you soon!

One Week To go...

A week from today, officially I leave. Pattie said she got her letter in the mail today so I am assuming that means I've had a couple more people look at this than usual.

It's almost 1 am and I just got back from Wal-Mart getting the last bit of supplies I need. Now at some point this week I need to box up whatever of my room that I'm not taking with me and pack my bags to go...which would be a tad bit easier if my Mom were not getting married in 3 days. I'm looking at the program and it's beautiful. I'm really excited for this weekend, I'm not excited to have to say goodbye to my Mom and Jon but I'm excite for them to finaly be married and to get to enjoy such a wonderful day with all my family.

New Zealand...I can't believe next week this time it will be down to just a few more hours until I leave.

I guess to be honest I am getting kind of excited, but I'm going to miss my life here a lot...

Things I'm excited for:
1. SNOW!
2. Not having to deal with a car for 6 months!
3. Being with people who are all on the same page as you are, with most of the same ideas, goals, plans, etc. My favorite part of Sr. High and working in Jr. High was the retreats...this is like living one.
4. Seeing the world.

Things I'm sure to miss:
1. Izze
2. Jenny
3. Hanging out with my "Aspen family" all the time.
4. Softball
5. Church
6. Coming and going as I please.
7. Work...ok I said it, I'll miss it.

I better go work on getting the wedding music put in order and get to bed before my last day of work.

"Hope In The Form Of A New Tattoo..."-Toby Mac

That's my newest tattoo, I got it last night to represent the Holy Spirit. I put it on my heel to symbolize going forward, movement.

I am writting with a grateful heart. I am over half way to my financial goal for YWAM. In fact my schooling part of DTS AND my transportation/room and board fees are paid for. The only thing I have left is outreach fees and about $400 until I can afford my plane ticket. God is faithful to provide. Seeing the miracles every day have igninted a passion and excitment I've never known before.

"My heart is heavy and my knees are weak as I walk to the edge, I know there is no turning back once my feet have left the ledge..."

I will defiantly miss my life, my family and friends back home but I am ready, I am so ready to dive deep and let His power and Spirit and will and love overwhelm me.

Wow. I am...wow. Overwhelmed to be so loved by such a powerful God.

I was made for loving you baby, you were made for loving me!

Well plans and prepartions are going well as I head into a new week. The Lord is faithful!

The exchange rate has become more unpredictable then ever and YWAM is going to cost more than $1000 above what I had been planning on, and now a week after letting that set in I can say I am glad for it. The testing of my faith devolps perserverance and I am learning to expect miracles daily.

Tommorow I am speaking at Lynn's Rotary Club and today I have to call back two other clubs that might offer more speaking arrangments for me. I am kind of nervous but nothing like I assume I will be tommorow at this time. But I'm excited, as I get closer to the date and tread deeper into my relationship with my Beloved and I can see and feel His power in the little things, the daily grind. I keep seeing how I was made for such a time as this and nothing seems normal anymore. Nothing seems to be mundane. He showed up this morning for a quick conversation with my Mom and I, it was wonderful. He's speaking through different prophets into my life and I feel like I'm starting to see a clearer purpose for this whole thing.

But life with Him is a daily battle. I fail and fall in my flesh and mind so often. Even today on the short ride to work I was begging for forgivness for my selfish thoughts and self centered attitude. This road isen't easy but it's the only one that leads to life and so I take it. But what an crazy road it is. There's really nothing about it that makes sense. The king of all creation being crazy in love with a broken sinner like me. Dieing to live, first shall be last, getting on your knees to get back on your feet? But then again what about love makes sense and at the end of all of this that's what our story is isen't it? A crazy, romantic, valient, majestic, royal love story. Ahhhhhh.

Passports Here!

My passport just came in the mail. I cannot believe it has been 10 weeks since I applied.

I keep holding it, bumping it against my fingers and flipping through all the blank pages. It's real. Really real.

I've bought luggage, I've gotten shots, I have sent letters and recieved support, I have emailed to school back and forth, I have even talked to one of my fellow YWAM-ers on myspace and none of it seemed as real as it does right now. I have everything I need (other than a means of transportation) to leave the country.

Wow. I'm really going.

I've been studying Paul and his conversion in Galatians the past month and I relate to him a lot. My fear that something like this isen't possibly for me, someone with so many mistakes and so many failures and then God does something like this, sends me the passport. "Here hunny, get ready, I got big plans for you!"

Could It Be?

This weekend we were in Iowa for a little family get together Grandma Judy put on. I ended up at Starbucks with my Bible, which is a little out of charecter for me. Or maybe it is very like this new charecter I find myself becoming.

I've finished my last round of shots so as far as health concerns I'm ready to go. I need to still get my travelers insurance (so worry not, if anything were to happen I'll be more than covered). My passport should be arriving in the mail this week sometime if the website is correct.

It was this weekend at Starbucks as I'm sitting with my notebook and Bible that it hit me, maybe I am starting to get excited for this thing. Could it be? Is the fear really maybe subsiding? I don't know by how much because I still shake to think about it, but now occasionally I shake because I'm grinning. My God is so big and His plans...they are so perfect.

Time goes by...so quickly.

My birthday was yesterday, that was one of the last big milestones seperating me from July...next would be our family retreat to Iowa, Izze's 2nd birthday and Mom and Jon's wedding (the plans for which keep our days busy and the time flying).

Yesterday was also the last day of snowboarding lessons and friday night I went with a bunch of friends to have my last "fun run" of the season. Friday night was really fun, almost overwhelming so. To be with such a great group of people doing what I love...it was a holy moment. Which I suppose sounds almost wrong but the Bible says whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is good these things are God's and ours since we are in Him. So whatever is good and pure is ours to claim and friday night definatly was. Fellowship with other believers who have each played a unique role in the journey the last few years just enjoying Gods perfect creation was...a holy experience.

Sunday was a little harder. I always keep gloomy at the end of the snowboarding season but this year is different, I only have three months to go without riding but I just kept thinking the next time I strap in, I'll be in NZ and by the time you read this, I probaley already am. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and thrilled for the chance to live out God's plan for my life and I know He's just going to blow me away on this trip but I'm so so nervous and scared and overwhelmed (I have a feeling this may be the underlying themes to many of my blogs until I've been there and found my groove). I think I'm more worried to leave my family (which includes more then just the four of them who have the same DNA as me) than I am to go somewhere foriegn. I'm more nervous about getting through all those layovers and different airports than I am to actually get there. I just don't do well with change, I never have and so much is going to change for me while I'm there and so much for my family while I'm gone. God is going to do so much...

Seeing as how this is my New Zealand journal I might want to post a entry or two about this journey leading up to it.

I've gotten 3 support checks so far. They were all very surprising and very, very appreciated. I am waiting for my bank to reflect the check I sent into them and then I'll send in my first check to YWAM Oxford. Which makes it official. They will reserve a spot for me and I will have officially accepted the invitation...and that my friends is maybe one of the scariest things I've ever done.

I know without a shadow of a doubt this is what God has planned for my life for the remainder of this year but none the less I am shaking at almost every moment of this journey. Insecurity and fear threaten to eat me alive. If there is anything that will stop this trip, that's it. Everyone else worries about the money, the flight, the physical things, I trust my God is bigger then those. But this fear...I know He is bigger then I and that is plans are truer and better but sometimes I wonder what He's thinking. This no one girl from no where...

Last night I went snowboarding with Jenny. A blast of course but Hyland is right near the airport and I couldn't help but imagine myself on those plans every time one would fly over head. That will be a struggle also...being on a plane for that long by myself because that's the first real step I have to take alone. Walking away from my family at the airport and going forth on my own. I can only imagine the first few hours of that flight will be spent in tears.

And so I journey on...