Sick

I woke up this morning and my abs ached. I thought about congratulating myself for a rough workout but then remembered I have not worked abs in a few days. My ab muscles along with most in my neck and back ache because I spent the early evening into the early morning hunched over and heaving. 

I went to a lovely dinner with Sarah and Alex then went to my Mothers to babysit my niece. (Whose hair has now been cut short...and might I tell you it fits her personality perfectly!!!!) As soon as my sister walked out the door my niece complained her stomach hurt. (Hers of course was easily remedied with a bowl of ice cream with "sprinklers") but mine not so easily. 

As unwelcome tears burned down my face I thought of the numerous scenes being played out just like mine in my generation. Friday night=party night. Why would you choose to put yourself through that? I am lucky I keep a messy car and was able to grab a discarded bag as I felt myself start to get sick driving down 169. (That was a first. Trying to throw up in a bag, keep my eyes open and drive.) I ran out of food to throw up by midnight and was done with stomach acid and eventually blood by 3 a.m.

I have not been violently ill like that in years. The sick that leaves you weak and shaky the next day and scared to consume anything that might put you in the place you were 24 hours previous. 

I laid in bed shaking, crying and praying. I know You can heal me, I know You are stronger the Satan, then sickness, then disease then sin.  And I knew suddenly it was not about a stomach bug anymore. It was about surrender. Endurance. Patience. Joy. 

I fell asleep on my own and woke up shaky and sore but joyful. I made it through another night. I'm still human. He's still God. 

He's got it all figured out.

the

HARLOT

having 

...learned...

that

JESUS

was there

bought a bottle of

expensive

perfume

and stood at 

His

FEET

WEEPING,

raining

t

e

a

r

s

on His feet

letting down

her hair,

she dried His feet,

KISSED 

them,

and 

ANOINTED

them with the 

perfume.

I'm running my first 5k in 3 weeks.

It's a new thing I've learned to love. I decided on my own I wanted to race someday, I decided to start training and signed up for the race. One race turned into 2 and then 3 and now I have plans to run 6 before the New Year. I'm been shaving off minutes from my time everyday. I can do this! 

Running to me is similar to fasting. Running to me starves out the flesh, quickly. There's something about it to me, knowing by half way through the work out I'm spent and finding something, some strength, some reason to keep going. 

I don't know why I run. I mean I know I love being healthy, I love losing weight, I love seeing new paths, I love working at the gym, I love the goal of finishing a race but running, needing to move, wanting to move and get somewhere or go somewhere or work for something. I don't know why I do it.

I try convincing Abbi to sign up Izze for the KidsRuns at most of my races, in hopes of not having to go alone. In hopes of someone standing at the finish line and cheering me on. Maybe I don't run enough yet...that wanting someone at the finish line is still in my head.

Yesterday Jimmy wished me good luck. I don't even remember telling him about the race, he must have heard it in the small area we all shared yesterday. But before he left he remembered to wish me good luck. That was important to me.

Thanks. 

You know I have realized mostly the hard way that life is about choices. I'm there now, I get it and am trying so hard to move forward making the right ones. 

But then I realized yesterday life is also about being at the mercy of others choices. 

I guess I'll chew on that for a while...

You are the one, I've been waiting for...today.

I had a wonderfully "beast" day, (as my boys would say) and have dampened it this night by making myself even more fully aware of my own stupidity. I can set goals for myself all I want but until....I don't know. Maybe that's my issue, I have no idea why I continue to fail. I set up these goals for myself and write it down and set up these nice little systems and keep everything very predictable for myself and here I am. Exactly where I said I was not going to be.

Today we were at Wild Mountain for work. What a blast. I am so blessed and have such great friends to share such a beautiful time with. 

On the way to work today I realized it was still early enough to be chilly and the bus ride through the river valley might still be cold. I was too close to work with not enough time to turn around and go home to grab a hoodie but I realized I have to turn right by my Mom's house anyways. I stopped in and she gave me one of her hoodies. I purposely "forgot" it in my car this evening when I went to nanny Izze because I wanted to take it home and sleep in it. If I pull my head into the hood and close my eyes and breath deep I can smell her, and she's holding me...and the world is ok again.

I want to run a 5k in October so I've started training myself and forcing myself through a lot of submission and self control issues I have. It's been successful and I feel lovely. I'm at that point where I can instant success thou. I can feel myself run farther then I did the day before. I can see my skin stay clear without artificial sugars and can push away a caffeine withdrawal induced headache with another Nalgene. The last couple weeks have been semi miserable detoxing from all the crap I put into my body and the crap lifestyle I expose it to. But can I tell you, even for no reason at all. I feel great.

But it's been more then a body change and I know that. I walk differently, with a different air and a sort of confidence I have not known in a while. I spend my mornings with Riley and Jesus and they've been doing a number on my heart lately. I love my mornings. I love being alone from people but having the dog there so I'm not technically alone to the point where I would feel lonely. 

I love being able to see my broken relationships and love them in spite of them. I've come to realize it stems from my ultimate broken relationship and that anything else I try to do comes from the fact that I'm human and I'm trying to replace what I lost at the fall. I'm trying to fill my heart with anything that distract me from the gapping hole that only He can fill. I love knowing that He knows that and loves me anyways. I love knowing that besides, beyond and because of the law and the rules and the pageants and programs He's a completely relational God who loves me unconditionally...which is good news for a relational girl like me.

So that's me exhausted and semi emotional as I head into another day tomorrow of water park. Bunker Beach baby!

And P.S. To the Guy Running the Go-Carts At Wild Mountain-

     I thought you were cute too but you're not going to impress this girl by acting like a child in front of my kids. You would have walked miles in my book had you acted like a gentlemen and treated me like a lady. Had been an example to my boys of what a real man is and should be. They saw the way you were with me and asked why I didn't stay. I told them that's not how to win a girls affections. You were cute. You made me smile, I'll give you that but curly hair and baby blues will only get you so far. 

War

The past year or so I have struggled a lot with war. Where do I stand? Do I deserve an opinion? What does God think? What does He think about war in 2008? What would Jesus do? 

I have many people I love dearly and respect who have gone to fight, who have fought in previous wars, who would fight if given the chance, who would fight if it came down to it. 

I still get goose-bumps at fireworks and when I hear the first cords of the national anthem. I cry at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I think I might bleed red, white and blue. 

But I feel like I am becoming a part of a generation of revolutionaries who believe that the US is evil and war is wrong. That Jesus does not desire it, and although God has used it in the past he would not use it today. 

And I'm torn because I don't know where to place my heart. I know Romans 15, that says DO ALL to keep peace at all times.  And I know countless stories in the Old Testament that war was used to establish God's purpose.

But God's purpose was never that Israel should have a king. But he gave them one in order to get their attention. If in the next world there will be no blood shed even that of animals, I would have to assume that was the original plan right? No blood shed. 

So maybe God has used war and blood shed to get peoples attention. 

And maybe He's trying to get our attention now.

But maybe He is trying to get us to lay down our weapons. How much attention would that get? A army that lays down it's weapons and kneels before it's enemies? 

I don't know what God's plan for the US is, or Iraq or Turkey or anywhere else in the world. But I know one thing, He is trying to get our attention.