3 More Days

I got called an atheist today when asked who I was going to vote for I replied that I was not going to vote.

That's my fear...we've begun to believe the cross was red, white and blue.

I can peacefully say that in prayer I have come to the conclusion in my own heart, that Jesus would not vote.

**Edit 4/1/09 I did vote**

Lord of My Ring

There are about five people who will understand every word of this blog. 

Every day for almost the last three years I have worn a silver ring given to me by someone very important. It was a hand me down, and means more as such then it could have had it been bought with me in mind. For what it means to me now, for what it meant before it was mine, for what it meant the night I put it on it is one of very few possessions I would find myself hard pressed to ever part with. 

My ring reminds me of who I am,

Where I've been, 

Where I'm going,

and in case I could ever forget, it's inscribed with my name.

For the last year for very specific and under very symbolic reasons I have been wearing it on my ring finger. 

For a very, very brief period of time after returning home to the States I tried for selfish and silly reasons to move it back to my right hand. It only last for an hour, there was something so...off about it. It didn't belong on that hand anymore. I told myself I would loyally leave it on my ring finger until it was not physically possible for me to wear it there any longer. Whatever that reason may be.

As I have been running and changing my diet and more honestly the newest bout with Mono I've been losing weight. I've noticed it the most in my fingers. 

Today my ring fell off.

Thankfully as it's slowly grown to almost become part of my body, my nakedness was felt immediately without it and I grabbed it quickly. I put it on my next thickest finger, the middle finger right next to it. 

My ring finger feels lost without it. The only reminder is the small indentation and the faint tan line that still attest to the fact it was once there. 

For some reason, that makes me a little nervous.

Loss and Darth Vadar

There is a scene in Star Wars III, when Anakin (soon to be Darth Vadar) is talking to Yoda about these nightmares he is having that Padme is dieing in child birth. (As a Jedi Anakin is not supposed to have relational attachments including marrying and getting Padme preggers) but none the less Yoda has it figured out that Anakin loves someone and is being tortured by the thought of losing them. Yoda tells Anakin he must learn to let go of what he so desperately wants to hold on to. Death (read: change) is a natural part of life.  

I don't want to read anything too much into Star Wars but I did re-watch the scene a few times to really understand the weight of this.  Most of us know the rest of the story. Anakin becomes so paralyzed by his fear of losing the one he loves he eventually pledges his allegiance to the "dark side" and chases after a power so dark it consumes him completely. All in hopes of becoming powerful over death. All in hopes of keeping the ones he loves, keeping things the way they are. 

I've thought about this scene a lot lately as I've processed some things that are going on in my life and community lately. I have had many Darth Vadar moments in my life. When I've become dark and disgusting, willing to become anyone, pledge my allegiance to anything in order to keep things they way they are and the way I believe they should be. In retrospect I've lost more this year then I have lost in many...

And that's o.k. Sometimes I think its hard for us to be quiet in pain. We want to talk, to balm the pain with our words. Even if we're just talking to ourselves (see Dane Cook, "Crying"). It's o.k for me to say, I've lost lots this year. It's o.k for that to hurt. It's o.k to want to be quiet for just a minute. 

I would like to believe my soul has found rest in something I don't have to loosen grip on, something I don't have to let go of. Something I can fearlessly cling to with everything I am. Some unknown part of me has learned to function in this awareness. 

 

Job 1:1 There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.

... (and we all know what the ... means!!)

Job 42:12&17. And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning...and Job died, an old man and full of days.

**Don't actually look up Dane Cook, his stand up could be funny but is mostly inappropriate).**

The Night before The First Day Of School.

I have suddenly become very nervous if anxious even about going back to "school" tomorrow. You can tell (by my last blog if nothing else) how incredible passionate I am about my job and I in my heart am very excited to get going. I tend to thrive in fall and truly live the best of me in the winter.

This year at our official kickoff our Superintendent said that she has always, always had those last night before the first day of school jitters. She told her husband that the day that stops is the day she knows she needs to switch jobs.

This year though (like every other) there is so much unknown. I do not know who I will be working with or when. I know I have much more responsibility but do not know how to do it. I know I have many new kids but no idea who they are or they interact and react and how to best love and equip them. I know I have a new supervisor and that I have proven myself to be a capable employee but I know not how he reacts to stress or reacts to mine. I'm nervous about how I will react to another extreme in my life. The extreme change in diet and exercise will now be joined with extreme change in sleep schedule. I know I can handle it, every other year as soon as I get back in the swing of things I can stay up until 11, Midnight even and be fine getting up at 5:30. It's the switch to something new. Something different that alwasy tends to make me nervous.

I know what a huge this year is going to be, in our country, in our district, in my kids' lives, in mine. I know I must be fully aligned with Christ so I can take an aggressive stance on the battlefield.

I want to fight for that school, for those kids, not against it. I want to fight with both hands up, not laying on my back both hands waving. I want to go in fully covered, fully prepared.

So if you think of it in the next 12 or so hours lift us up can you? Cover me in the prayers of the saints.

In all honesty I have never considered my present job my career. My career is always the next step, this is just getting me through. Paying the bills until I decide. I have literally gotten excited and giddy about starting school in the new year. Excited about the next step, my real career. It was not until I realized how passionate I was during our start up meetings and how energized I was by the busyness of set up week, how confident I was with the responsibility that's typical shared by an entire site. It was then that I started finally considering this God's current plan for my life. That I'm growing as a woman, an adult and an educator. That I'm where I'm supposed to be. That He's honors me here.

Where I Went To The State Fair

Yesterday I went to the Minnesota State Fair. I was more then a little excited since I was in New Zealand for the fair last year.

I get so giddy for things like the fair. Something about all the excitement, all the different things to see, hear, touch, all the different smells and tastes. There is a line in "James and The Giant Peach" when Grasshopper sings this song that goes "Bright lights, big city, that's what we're looking for." That sums me up pretty well. Which is ironic in it's own right because I typically don't enjoy being in large crowds all that much. I didn't have much more then ten bucks yesterday and no desire to waste thousands of calories on greasy food that would most likely leave me revisiting Friday nights escapades but I was at the fair for a little over 10 hours.

There were a few note worthy moments in my day...

• I ran into more people I know yesterday then I have ever run into anywhere. Alyssa, Donnie and the new baby. Kristen and Greg. Brea. Heidi, Drake and JC.
• Taking a newly potty trained 3-year old without a change of clothes should have been re thought before leaving the house. People were so gracious though. Tip for parenting, if you ever need to save an accident, look for the soccer Mom at the front of the bathroom line. Most likely she'll give up her spot for you and if your really lucky make the people in front of her let you go in front too.
• Resisting temptation to eat high calorie, greasy, deep fried anything on a stick is really much easier then it sounds. Just look around at the people eating the stuff, there's really no gracious way to eat it. Most of the time watching it be consumed by others is enough to not want to experience it on your own.

We walked past an FSN North stand at some point through the day and there were two Vikings cheerleaders there taking pictures and giving autographs. (I'm still at a loss as to why so many parents were "encouraging" their prepubescent sons to take pictures and meet the girls, even though they were much more interested in watching the Twins game in the next tent). But Izze saw the brightly colored pom poms and the glitter and wanted to meet the girls. So we stood in line and had her and Keira take a picture with the girls. (Who were, by the way very kind and signed posters and let the girls play with the pom poms). The interaction to me was not so disturbing as the reactions afterwards. Izze sat in her stroller for a good ten minutes just holding the poster in front of her, staring at the cheerleaders. I wonder how at such a young age she has already defined beauty. There is no avoiding the fact Izze was enthralled by theirs. What bothered me was how fleeting their beauty was. I will not say the girls were ugly, but even the way they sat looked forced and almost painful. Their faces threatening to wash away if it were to rain or God save they cried. There personalities had become rote memorization of cheerleader pep and Viking pride.

I don't fear that is Isabelle's only association to beauty. She continually calls her Mother, Grandma and both us Aunties beautiful and we all have very, very different ideas of beauty and all carry ourselves differently. At the Miracle of Birth center she pet a 15 minute old piglet and exclaimed "Oh Danda, he is beautiful." What I fear is that at three she has somehow grasped the world's pinnacle of beauty as being very near what the cheerleaders had. Blond hair, pouty lips, a dangerously thin waste line, large breasts, and lots of makeup.

Don't take this as Mandi is anti-cheerleader. I mean, it's never a sport I would choose to be a part of but I do have a friend who now cheers at the collegiate level and was also royalty for the city of Maple Grove. And I can tell you she is one of the most independent, level headed, colorful people I have ever met. We have worked together for numerous summers now and I have seen first hand how hard of a worker she is, how wonderful she is with kids and how deep her convictions and emotions go. She is not flighty, fake, or delicate nor do I assume the cheerleaders at the fair were.

At a different moment at the fair I ran into one of the most influential people in my life. With out a doubt God has written her into the story of my life as a testimony to His grace, His gentleness and His beauty. She is probably the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Literally and spiritually. There is no helping leaving her and feeling beautiful myself. She just radiates humble beauty and confidence. It's other worldy. That much is obvious. She is so convinced of who she is in Him that it physically radiates off of her. She was without makeup, in a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

That is the beauty I want Izze to know in her life. Beauty that does not fade with age and opportunity and career. Beauty that does not falter when the rest of life does. Beauty that cannot be shaken. Beauty that comes from beyond anything we can grasp. Anything we can touch, paint, pluck, dye, apply, subtract. Beauty bred out of love and relationship. Not beauty bred out of hate and desire to be filled. Beauty from fulfillment, from knowing we are sure, we are held, we are loved, and wanted and desired. And I desperately, desperately want her to know that, to understand, to trust it, to live it...

before she is twenty three.

We visited the pro-life tent and signed a petition. Which is kind of a must for children bred of Republican parents eh? I liked playing with the plastic fetal dolls, holding the 5 month one knowing my cousin has the same thing safely cradled inside her.

Except I think women like Abbi, Justine and Dede have greater right to be pro-life then people like me. I mean really, I am a semi hypocrite for signing that thing aren't I? Absolutely I am passionate about children, life, babies, women. It infuriates me that more unborn children have been killed since abortion was legalized in 1973 then all US casualties in all American participatory wars combine. We support our troops but not our children. It confuses me that we'll run 5K's for cancer, diabetes and lung disease when the leading cause of death in Minnesota is abortion. I don't know how to grasp the fact that it's estimated that 1/2 of my generation was never allowed to be born. (Maybe a best friend my age or my boyfriend were in that group). But I'm also a virgin. What if I slipped up? Everyone knows I'm prone to following my heart in the moment and letting my head catch up later. I'm almost grateful for a fear that keeps me at least 6 ft. from all men at all times because a temptation to even come close to that kind of "slip up" is almost non existent in my life. Had you asked me to sign a petition about better pay for Minnesota's Educators, tax breaks for single parent households with medical issues or equality for snowboarders I would have been able to sign it knowing I had been on the other side. I've been in the school system for long enough to tell you they don't make enough, seen a clinically ill mother work four jobs because she has four mouths to feed, and been the snowboarder chided by the skiier for going too fast. (Ok that last ones a joke).

I've never been the scared teenager who sees two pink lines instead of one. I've never been the woman working doubles at Wal-Mart to keep the toddler fed and the electricity on. I've never had to give up my dreams, my goals, my job, my friends, even my family for a mistake I made. (Occasionally it feels like it but lets be honest...) I sign the petitions because I'm safe. I won't have an unexpected pregnancy. But I know it's not just the ones who get caught, girls who get pregnant the first time, the last time, that one time. I know so, so many who've done the same thing and didn't have to pay for it with another life. We all make mistakes. I fall into temptation constantly. I will be desperately honest and say my carnal sin is I love to cut. But the sweet, sick satisfaction of dragging a blade across my skin leaves me with a scab and a scar that I can hide, not a child's life to be responsible for. So I sign the petition because I care about life but that's mostly where my personal involvement stops. I've never signed petitions to get better legislation for Minnesota's adoption system. I've never volunteered my time at the crisis nursery. I've never picketed for welfare reform. Never fought for better sex and health education at the Jr. High level. My life has happened to cross paths with numerous single/teenage mothers but I have not gone out of my way to find, help or be involved with others.

So many people have asked me lately whether I am a Republican or Democrat or who I plan to vote for. I would have to ask then on which issue do you wonder because the lines have continued to get a whole lot more blurred.

I was talking to a woman a few days ago whom I love very much and in whose wisdom I am continually blown away. And I was verbally processing what I was continuing to call the "suburban poor" she helped me to see what we have created as a society, "the American Caste".

The suburban poor, which I am incredibly passionate about continue to be pushed to the margins of American society. Kids like mine whose households can bring in less then 15,000 annually are ignored by big money cooperations and non-profits looking to donate to the "inner city." Many inner city problems like drugs, gang violence and prostitution are allowed to run rampant because specialized law enforcement task forces are sent elsewhere into the big cities. So these kids, if they make it to birth, are born into a set class they have little chance of escaping.

The working poor in America have all but depleted the middle class. As the economy continues to fall the great divide between the rich and poor continues to grow. Take for instance the recent tax referendum in Hennipen County that left Osseo School District in upwards of a 4 million dollar deficit. Where is the largest voting percentage coming from in Hennipen County? The Western side. Where both the average age and income of voters is higher. So basically what we're looking at is the only people going out to vote for something as low profile as a tax referendum are old people with money. (Yes, that is a very much a dramatic statement but voter turn out was notoriously low.) But lets go back and look at this hypothetically shall we? For something so small as a county raising taxes how would you find out about it? You would have to be involved in your county or community true? You'd have to have extra time to be reading, listening, or involved. Might be hard to do if your a young, single parent. Heck, even if your married having time to do anything is rough with kids. Might also be hard if you didn't speak the dominant language. (And before we get huffy that in this country, we speak English take into consideration that we have no national language). And if this were about money per say, you'd care more if you had some right? Well ok, I'll drop it what's in the past is in the past. We can't go back now.

Back to these kids and my theory of an American Caste. Now these "suburban" schools have Kindergarten ratios of 24, 26:1. I will not say anything negative about Kindergarten teachers because they must be the most patient and gracious people I have ever met, but no matter how big your heart is without help there is no way that at 26:1 a Kindergartener (especially one coming with no type of pre-school education) is going to get the one on one attention needed to firmly cement the educational building blocks and social skills foundation needed to fully excel at an elementary education.

Not to mention that with extreme budget cuts like the ones we've just faced with programs like gym and sports being cut and serious cuts to the nutrition programs kids are NOT GOING to get the nutrition and exercise that bodies desperately need to fully engage all body systems needed to learn and grow. All the studies coming out of schools like Duke and Yale show countless studies that music and arts programs help to build stronger and safer communities but those are the first to get cut. We have mostly accepted how disgustingly off kilter the U.S. has become with food and obesity but we don't think twice about cutting gym and sports programs at even the youngest level of public education. Without a serious welfare reform even programs like WIC and food stamps will not be able to provide proper nutrition to our most vulnerable.

We can tell our children to be all they can be. We can tell them how important it is to stay in school but without a strong elementary foundation, by the time they are in Jr. High the struggle to comprehend and learn has become so difficult the glimmer and hope of escaping it all with drugs and alcohol becomes all to real. I can't blame them for wanting an escape. By Highschool the desire to be wanted, needed, important, special is strangling and the instant gratification promised in everything from instant meals at McDonalds and instant celebrity on youtube leads to an all time high in teen sexual activity, pregnancy and yes, abortion.

WAKE UP! American teens are buying what America is selling!

Sex sells guys. Yes, we can tell them to be all they can be. To go to college but without helping them along the way, without finding a way to break out of the economic class their parents are trapped in college is just as much a fairy tale as playing in the NFL. We can tell them to be all they can be, but without changing the world we brought them into, they can't be.

I know the only hope for a broken world is a God who offers wholeness. A God who offers relationship. Hope. Grace. Peace. A future. I tell my kids they will be great because He is great. I start work tomorrow with lots of them, I will instill in them the greatness of who He's created them to be and I will expect nothing less.

"Who needs a creator when we can sculpt mountains? Who needs a Physician when we can heal ourselves? Who needs Providence for food when we clone animals for food? Who needs a Savior when we have a four hundred billion dollar defense shield? Who needs a Deliverer when the empire has become a democracy? Who needs a God when we are worthy of worship ourselves?" -Jesus for President.

Dear World, This is not my Jesus.

But we've gotta wake up! We're starting to look less and less like the church He left and more and more like the Babylon He's coming to destroy but we are not without hope! We are not to far gone!

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood. It's to a king and a kingdom." -Derek Webb

We have a whole new definition of loving our enemies as we send more troops into the Middle East. We have a whole new definition of loving orphans and widows when we continue to buy into the yoke of capitalism and force our mothers, daughters and sisters in Sri Lanka, India and China under the same. We have a whole definition of being "SET APART" as we continue to be drunk on the "cocktails of culture."

I would vote for Jesus, except I think He would make an awful President.

On a different note, I've come to the conclusion (after much experience and finishing 1 Timothy) that ignoring someone is an awful form of behavior modification and one of the cruelest forms of manipulation. What ignoring someone says is, "Your not doing what I want, being who I want, acting like I want and I am keeping something (myself) from you until you do, be what I want." Essentially what it says, is I am in control. I think in a marriage relationship it borders on infidelity, parenting borders on abuse, friendship borders on betrayal. I think most people would rather just fight, scream, cry than be ignored. Being created in the image of a completely relational God, it's just against our genetic makeup as sons to be ignored.

We can't keep ignoring this. Our world. Our society. Our church. Our schools. Our jobs. Our relationships.

I've also come to the conclusion if I can go two weeks without doing laundry and still be wearing clean clothes, I have to many clothes.

I'm in training y'all...enjoy the ride.

Sick

I woke up this morning and my abs ached. I thought about congratulating myself for a rough workout but then remembered I have not worked abs in a few days. My ab muscles along with most in my neck and back ache because I spent the early evening into the early morning hunched over and heaving. 

I went to a lovely dinner with Sarah and Alex then went to my Mothers to babysit my niece. (Whose hair has now been cut short...and might I tell you it fits her personality perfectly!!!!) As soon as my sister walked out the door my niece complained her stomach hurt. (Hers of course was easily remedied with a bowl of ice cream with "sprinklers") but mine not so easily. 

As unwelcome tears burned down my face I thought of the numerous scenes being played out just like mine in my generation. Friday night=party night. Why would you choose to put yourself through that? I am lucky I keep a messy car and was able to grab a discarded bag as I felt myself start to get sick driving down 169. (That was a first. Trying to throw up in a bag, keep my eyes open and drive.) I ran out of food to throw up by midnight and was done with stomach acid and eventually blood by 3 a.m.

I have not been violently ill like that in years. The sick that leaves you weak and shaky the next day and scared to consume anything that might put you in the place you were 24 hours previous. 

I laid in bed shaking, crying and praying. I know You can heal me, I know You are stronger the Satan, then sickness, then disease then sin.  And I knew suddenly it was not about a stomach bug anymore. It was about surrender. Endurance. Patience. Joy. 

I fell asleep on my own and woke up shaky and sore but joyful. I made it through another night. I'm still human. He's still God. 

He's got it all figured out.

the

HARLOT

having 

...learned...

that

JESUS

was there

bought a bottle of

expensive

perfume

and stood at 

His

FEET

WEEPING,

raining

t

e

a

r

s

on His feet

letting down

her hair,

she dried His feet,

KISSED 

them,

and 

ANOINTED

them with the 

perfume.

I'm running my first 5k in 3 weeks.

It's a new thing I've learned to love. I decided on my own I wanted to race someday, I decided to start training and signed up for the race. One race turned into 2 and then 3 and now I have plans to run 6 before the New Year. I'm been shaving off minutes from my time everyday. I can do this! 

Running to me is similar to fasting. Running to me starves out the flesh, quickly. There's something about it to me, knowing by half way through the work out I'm spent and finding something, some strength, some reason to keep going. 

I don't know why I run. I mean I know I love being healthy, I love losing weight, I love seeing new paths, I love working at the gym, I love the goal of finishing a race but running, needing to move, wanting to move and get somewhere or go somewhere or work for something. I don't know why I do it.

I try convincing Abbi to sign up Izze for the KidsRuns at most of my races, in hopes of not having to go alone. In hopes of someone standing at the finish line and cheering me on. Maybe I don't run enough yet...that wanting someone at the finish line is still in my head.

Yesterday Jimmy wished me good luck. I don't even remember telling him about the race, he must have heard it in the small area we all shared yesterday. But before he left he remembered to wish me good luck. That was important to me.

Thanks. 

You know I have realized mostly the hard way that life is about choices. I'm there now, I get it and am trying so hard to move forward making the right ones. 

But then I realized yesterday life is also about being at the mercy of others choices. 

I guess I'll chew on that for a while...

You are the one, I've been waiting for...today.

I had a wonderfully "beast" day, (as my boys would say) and have dampened it this night by making myself even more fully aware of my own stupidity. I can set goals for myself all I want but until....I don't know. Maybe that's my issue, I have no idea why I continue to fail. I set up these goals for myself and write it down and set up these nice little systems and keep everything very predictable for myself and here I am. Exactly where I said I was not going to be.

Today we were at Wild Mountain for work. What a blast. I am so blessed and have such great friends to share such a beautiful time with. 

On the way to work today I realized it was still early enough to be chilly and the bus ride through the river valley might still be cold. I was too close to work with not enough time to turn around and go home to grab a hoodie but I realized I have to turn right by my Mom's house anyways. I stopped in and she gave me one of her hoodies. I purposely "forgot" it in my car this evening when I went to nanny Izze because I wanted to take it home and sleep in it. If I pull my head into the hood and close my eyes and breath deep I can smell her, and she's holding me...and the world is ok again.

I want to run a 5k in October so I've started training myself and forcing myself through a lot of submission and self control issues I have. It's been successful and I feel lovely. I'm at that point where I can instant success thou. I can feel myself run farther then I did the day before. I can see my skin stay clear without artificial sugars and can push away a caffeine withdrawal induced headache with another Nalgene. The last couple weeks have been semi miserable detoxing from all the crap I put into my body and the crap lifestyle I expose it to. But can I tell you, even for no reason at all. I feel great.

But it's been more then a body change and I know that. I walk differently, with a different air and a sort of confidence I have not known in a while. I spend my mornings with Riley and Jesus and they've been doing a number on my heart lately. I love my mornings. I love being alone from people but having the dog there so I'm not technically alone to the point where I would feel lonely. 

I love being able to see my broken relationships and love them in spite of them. I've come to realize it stems from my ultimate broken relationship and that anything else I try to do comes from the fact that I'm human and I'm trying to replace what I lost at the fall. I'm trying to fill my heart with anything that distract me from the gapping hole that only He can fill. I love knowing that He knows that and loves me anyways. I love knowing that besides, beyond and because of the law and the rules and the pageants and programs He's a completely relational God who loves me unconditionally...which is good news for a relational girl like me.

So that's me exhausted and semi emotional as I head into another day tomorrow of water park. Bunker Beach baby!

And P.S. To the Guy Running the Go-Carts At Wild Mountain-

     I thought you were cute too but you're not going to impress this girl by acting like a child in front of my kids. You would have walked miles in my book had you acted like a gentlemen and treated me like a lady. Had been an example to my boys of what a real man is and should be. They saw the way you were with me and asked why I didn't stay. I told them that's not how to win a girls affections. You were cute. You made me smile, I'll give you that but curly hair and baby blues will only get you so far. 

War

The past year or so I have struggled a lot with war. Where do I stand? Do I deserve an opinion? What does God think? What does He think about war in 2008? What would Jesus do? 

I have many people I love dearly and respect who have gone to fight, who have fought in previous wars, who would fight if given the chance, who would fight if it came down to it. 

I still get goose-bumps at fireworks and when I hear the first cords of the national anthem. I cry at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. I think I might bleed red, white and blue. 

But I feel like I am becoming a part of a generation of revolutionaries who believe that the US is evil and war is wrong. That Jesus does not desire it, and although God has used it in the past he would not use it today. 

And I'm torn because I don't know where to place my heart. I know Romans 15, that says DO ALL to keep peace at all times.  And I know countless stories in the Old Testament that war was used to establish God's purpose.

But God's purpose was never that Israel should have a king. But he gave them one in order to get their attention. If in the next world there will be no blood shed even that of animals, I would have to assume that was the original plan right? No blood shed. 

So maybe God has used war and blood shed to get peoples attention. 

And maybe He's trying to get our attention now.

But maybe He is trying to get us to lay down our weapons. How much attention would that get? A army that lays down it's weapons and kneels before it's enemies? 

I don't know what God's plan for the US is, or Iraq or Turkey or anywhere else in the world. But I know one thing, He is trying to get our attention.

I could see the gray through my wonderfully lovely, wonderfully perfect, beautiful blinds. Why do the younger kids always get hot, beautiful, sunny days for their swimming field trips and we are yet to have a day when we can even complete the trip? We're supposed to be at Bunker Beach today...I have to go in at 10 regardless. Morning staff will leave at noon. I'll be there until 6. 

I still love my blinds.

My greatest K9 friend and I have worked out a new morning routine... After Jenny leaves for work he comes and lays at my door. When my alarm goes off I'll give him cuddles and hit the shower. He transplants himself to the outside of the bathroom door. When I get back in my room he'll jump on my bed for the 5 minutes it takes me to take my medicine, get lotion, etc. Then he goes back to his spot outside my door while I make my bed. Something about it scares him I guess. He knows when my fussy is thrown on I'm finished and he runs and jumps back on an is asleep until I either climb back into bed or leave for work. 

I love him. 

I love predictable things.

Sometimes things make sense that way.

I got a letter from friends in Turkey. The Turkish church and Turkish Christians have come under serious attack in the last few months/weeks. Sometimes being such a loud mouth, spoilt American makes me feel so helpless. 

Saturday

This is what Saturdays are for I believe.

First of all, I had slept for almost 13 hours straight. I can't remember the last time I did that that was not jet lag induced. 

Then I took my time getting ready, showering, eating breakfast, watching Monk and decided to go run some errands. (That always makes me feel adult). 

I wore a dress because it's exceptionally hot out but then decided to add to the mood with lace up sandals and a hippie scarf.  I feel pretty today.

I ended up meeting Sarah halfway through and ate this really healthy adult lunch....

and then we walked to Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. 

I ate a piece of frozen cheese cake...

that was dipped in chocolate....

that was covered in pecans....

that was on a stick!

Honestly it was a whole piece of cheesecake crust and all but like a popsicle. It was the weirdest and most delightful dessert I have ever had. (Except chocolate fondue at Melting Pot).

I decided when I got home to reorganize my closet. So now my shelves are color coded, my boxes are arranged by size and labeled, the hangers all face right and the clothing faces forward. It feels wonderful. My cleaning streak didn't end there so I went through my desk, under my bed and did my normal dusting.

Then I went to Target to buy new cleaning supplies for the bathroom and went to work on that. I would love to keep going and do the living room and kitchen and anything else I can get my hands on but I don't know how particular Jenny is. My Mom is a freak about those things :) 

And now I'm going to go cuddle with my favorite boy and read and put my iPod on shuffle and enjoy a Saturday afternoon. 

Enjoy yours aye?

such a complete waste of time

What would you do with a 3rd hand?
I'm sure by 23 I would've had it removed by this time.


If you could have one type of candy every time you snapped your fingers, what candy would it be?
Blue Shock Tarts, or that Turkish Chocolate


If you could choose a super power, what one would you choose?
To be a JUMPER, like in the movie.



If every time you sneezed, lightning struck your ex… Would you try not to sneeze or just let it happen?
I don't have an ex but I have Mark blood in me so sneezing is semi dangerous for all of us :) Ha Ha Ha. Even little Izze sneezes four or five times in a row!



If you had a monkey’s tail, would you be more likely to hang from trees with it or use it to reach the remote control?
I would swing!!

If you could speak to animals, which animal would you speak to first?
RILEY!



Would you love having the ability to read minds or would you curse having the ability?
If I could shut it off I might like it for a while, just in conversations when you know the person is holding back, or when you know they are lying to you. But I know there are times I would not want it. I'm so dang perceptive, I even hate that sometimes, when I know I'm helpless to do anything about it.


If you could breathe fire every time you got upset, would your house still be standing?
It would be because I can control my anger at home. 


If you had the ability to transform your appearance to look like one of your friends, would you try to hear what your best friend really thinks about you?
My best friend wouldn't tell any of my friends what she really thinks of me. I'm not stupid and I know obviously no one will ever tell you what they really think of you but I am satisfied I guess knowing where I stand in her life and where she stands in mine.



If you had the ability to magically poof into any room, would you bother walking through doors anymore?
Only in public places so strangers would not be able to know but around the house and stuff I would just poof.


If you could create a delicious feast by clapping your hands, would you solve world hunger, Or would you just keep the ability secret and make food only for your family?
I would try to feed the world but your never going to solve world hunger unless you first solve greed and I guess then the human condition eh? I don't think it would work. It's a nice idea but...


Would you rather have rockets for legs, or wish-granting toilet plungers for arms?
Wish granting plunger arms?? Weird question.


If you could speak to any house-hold object and it would speak back, what would it be?
The walls


If a traveling salesman gave you a hat that would make your dreams come true, would you wear the hat, if you knew that your life would go back to normal if you ever took the hat off?

No. There's always a catch isn't there. I'm not going to be stuck wearing an ugly hat for the rest of my life. I couldn't snowboard, I couldn't swim, I couldn't jump. It's not worth it. I'll just risk letting my dreams come true the normal way, you know wishing on stars and four leaf clovers and such :)



If a wizard offered you the ability to make anyone attracted to you by winking at them, would you keep the ability if you developed a nervous twitch that made you wink randomly?
NO



Would you rather have permanent electrified handshakes or permanent horrible-itch creating hugs?
Hand shakes. Monk can do it.


Would you rather have the ability to run to the bathroom at the speed of light or the ability to do back flips all the way to the refrigerator?
Backflips are way cooler



Would you want the ability to make everything you touch smell like lilacs?
No, I like smell too much to ruin everything with lilac. I mean lilac is lovely as a purple flower but my dear little niece must always smell of johnson and johnson and my sisters car like weed and old cigerettes...ok maybe there I might use the lilac


If you had the ability to fill the mouths of all annoying people with jelly, would you use it once or every time they spoke?
If they knew it came from me I would never want to use it but maybe if I could use it without them knowing...


If every time you sang, everyone around you broke into song and dance, would you sing anymore?
Yes!



Would you want amazing speed, if it meant your feet had to be constantly engulfed in painless fire?
There's something about eternal fire that makes me a little nervous...


If every time you yawned, flip flops rained from the sky, would you try to yawn as much as possible?
Ok honestly these questions have gone over the top, I might go somewhere like Africa (thank you Sara) and yawn so everyone would have shoes but I would not want it to happen more then once. Dear God hope I don't get tired on the plane over there.



Would you want a butt that could cure disease every time you mooned someone?
I would want Bitsy to have this ability. She can't keep her pants on but I...nope I would be too modest to do it. 



If you could make someone fall in love with you, just by telling them “Before I go anywhere I fill my shoes with Jello” Would you say it?
no


If you could mesmerize the opposite sex, by playing hopscotch and patty-cake, would you?
no lame


Would you rather have the ability to materialize sonic slushies with your mind or the ability jump 20 feet in the air?
jump because lets face it, there's a whole new world to snowboarding if you can do that


If you woke up to realize that all of the dreams/nightmares you had while sleeping, had come true…would you be afraid to go to sleep after that?
Well last night I married Monk...the jury is still out on that one.

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

as of this moment..
1) to be "kidnapped" not for any purpose then to spend hours together like the old days

2)  Money
3)  Unshakable self discipline

Would you rather be very strong or have a rubber-like flexibility?
strong

If you could make something appear magically right now, what would it be?
pay check friday and a plane ticket to anywhere

If you could instantly transport yourself anywhere right now, where would it be?
Jerusalem? 

If you could get the excitement of a roller coaster in everyday activities, would you?

I think I'm on medicine for that :) kidding. No I would not.

Do you smoke weed regularly?
I've never smoked weed

Have you had a headache today?
No it's 8 AM but it's field trip day then Izze night at the show...give it another 12 hours or so :)

Do you have any bruises, from what?
One from one of my kids at work. He got mad that I threw water in my co-workers face so he proceeded to hit me with the water pitcher.

Who's your last text from?
Carrie

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
We worked together and we have the same birthday so basically we are twins. I love her!

Have you kissed somebody in the last 48 hours?
Izze and Riley

How's your life lately?
Confusing but good in a crazy way

Do you have a large vocabulary?

I think I just have a big mouth

What do you think about the current gas prices?
Well they were going down a little this week. It's awful. So is the price of food. But my one opinion on all of it is, it's no one persons fault and stay the heck away from Alaska.

Do you think that you’re a good person?

I don't think anyone is a good person. Really. Do we have any hope without Jesus. I suppose the two of us together make a great combination but alone I got nothing.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.

Do you hate the last girl you were talking to?
No. I don't hate anybody


Do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
No, he's my step dad.


When is the last time you took a nap?
Tuesday


What was on your mind mostly today?
people, things I need to do, money stuff, oh lots of stuff actually


Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
mine!


Where is one place you'd like to visit?
Israel


Do you regret anything?
I try not to. It's a pointless emotion that you can't do anything about.

Something interesting happen lately?

I'm getting paid to go to Mall of America today. I dreamed I married Monk and I was ok with it because it meant I just got to have babies and he cleaned the house!

Where is your dad right now?
my step dad is at work


Did you ever see the school nurse?
I had lots of health issues as a kid, and lots of times when I faked it so I could go home.


What is one thing you've learned about life?
He's a good God in a good mood.


How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? 

most of the time


Have you ever kissed someone who's name starts with a M?
Mom

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yea, last time I took Izze to a show it was raining out and we were just standing out there playing in the rain so I took her from Jenny and kissed her so I could say yes I have kissed in the rain!


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C?
Yea, when Caleb was a little man.

Who was the last person you talked to last night before bed?
Alex


Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?
J

bored on the day off

 My 'ex' is: Non Existent
. I am listening to: Izze yelling in the tub upstairs, Saw II
. I love : lots
. My best friend(s) : Are girls
. I don't understand: Math
. I lost my respect for: the leadership title and hat
. I last ate : at Space Aliens
. The meaning of my display name is: To Narnia, it was meant as a tag line for off to New Zealand, now it's just onward to the promised land

. Love is: The only real thing
. Somewhere : Chicago
. I will always : be short
. Love seems to: be camouflaged 
. I never ever want to lose : passion
. My mobile phone is : a lot
. When I woke up this morning : I watched crime documentaries
. I get annoyed with: selfishness and bad communication
. Parties : overwhelming
. My pet: Iz
. Today: hard and fun
. I wish: I was perfect
. I really want : to snowboard

PRESENTLY-
. is your hair wet?: No
. is your cell phone right by you? always
. do you miss someone? yes
. are you tired? Yes!
. are you excited?: i'm mellow
. are you watching tv?: yea, intervention
. are you wearing pajamas?: no, twins shirt and wind-pants

HAVE YOU-
. recently done anything you regret?: no
. ever lied?: yea
. ever stuck gum under a desk?: no i'm always swallow it
. ever kicked someone?: yea
. ever tripped over your own feet?: yea

TODAY-
. have you cursed?: yes
. have you yelled at someone?: no
. have you gotten mad at someone?: yes

RANDOM-
: is there a person who is on your mind right now?: Yes
: do you have any siblings?: Yes j and abi
: Do you want children?: yes
: do you smile often? : yes
: do you wish on stars? no
: when did you last cry?: last friday
: do you like your handwriting?: sometimes, it changes a lot
: are you a friendly person? : i would like to think so 
: who's bed did you sleep in last night? the couch 
: what color shirt are you wearing?: light blue
: what were you doing at 7 PM yesterday: at perkins with abi and iz

LASTS-
. last beverage: long island ice tea
. last phone call: abi
. last cd played: a mix from j
. last BUBBLE bath: too long to remember

SIX HAVE YOU EVERS:
. dated someone twice: No
. been cheated on?: ironically yea
. kissed someone & regreted it?: no
. lost someone special? yea
. been depressed? yea
. been drunk and threw up?: never been drunk

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU
. Cried a lot? not july, june yes
. Fallen out of love? yes
. Laughed until you cried? yes
. Met someone who changed your life? yes


. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? we ordered a pizza at one something
. Are you a pyromaniac? i guess so
. Do you have too many love interests? i have a lot of things i love but no
. Do you know anyone famous? yea yea yea
. Describe your bed: Its mine, its precious, it's clean, it's perfect
. Are you spontaneous or planned? i'm both

. How much money would it take to get you to give up the internet? a lot a lot
. What was the last song you were listening to? mary jane
. Have you ever been in a play: yea
. Have you ever been in love? i have loved
. Do you talk a lot? most days
. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself: yea
. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? no
. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends? Friends
. What is your ideal marriage location? a church and the reception at a beautiful chalet
. What kind of bedding do you use? unbleached organic cotten, earth tones
. How do you eat an apple? i bit it, chew and swollow
. What do you order at a bar? long islands, mikes
. Have you ever pierced your body parts? i have not but i've gotten a lot pierced
. Do you have tattoos? 3
. Do you drive a stick? I don't but i can
. What kind of watch do you wear? nixon vega
. Do you consider yourself materialistic? sometimes
. Burial or cremation? someone else can decide
. Favorite communication method? close

Bored on the day off

+Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain person?

Yes I did. I've made sacrifices I should never have made, chosen things I should not have, gone places I shouldn't have. But I've learned a lot so I guess in the end it was not wasted time.


+What is the difference between the last two people you kissed?

Um who were the last two people I kissed? Izze and Riley. Well one is a human and one is a dog. 



+Anything been heavy on your heart lately?

Budget cuts and watching people I love people love losing there jobs and dreams. Being anxious if I'm next. Darfur. The girls I love and the way their pain breaks my heart. 


Are you open about your feelings or closed off?

I don't know...I think I wear my heart on my sleeve with most people but my true true heart is pretty deep and closed off to most.


Think of the person you told "I love you" last, did you mean it? Who was it?
Izze and of course I meant it. I don't say it if I don't mean it.

Do you hate any of your ex's?

I would have to have ex's in order to hate any of them and I don't have any and I try not to hate anyone.

Who would you say you're closet friends with right now?

jen, bits, abi, al, sarah



What's a goal you wanna reach soon?

getting the job, getting my black belt, getting in school



Whats one thing some people hate about you?

my past and the way it effects me today


Thought about someone today?

yea...duh.



Overall mood today?

Tired, I went to Batman at midnight and woke up to take the girls to school



What's something you say too much?
I don't care




Last game you played and with who?

Rock Band with the kids at work

Know anyone who's been drunk recently?
Yea


Are you happy with who you are?

I just keep realizing I want to be better, there is more things I want to do, more mountains I want to climb. But overall I realize I am what He intended



Do you judge others?

Mostly just me



Who do you tell everything to?
Um Jenny and Abi know mostly everything about everything



Where do you live?

The edge of the flame, waist deep



Did you speak to your mother today?

on the phone and through text but I have not seen her in real life yet today


Where is your sister right now?

the little one is at school, the middle one is at work


What are you listening to?

the AC and Food Network


What color is your hair?

redish brown thats threatening to go blond every time I step in the sun. My cord is red, yellow and green.



What is the last movie you watched?
The Dark Knight at Midnight


Who's bothering you right now?
me



Do you like being called baby/babe?

I love when my Mom, Aunt and Elderly black women call me baby.



What makes you happy?

worship, Cleaning, driving, cooking, my summer job, airports, Chicago, payday, good books, my iPod, LOST, Monk, air conditioning, Mall of America, mail, fridays, swimming, snowboarding, skating, surprising Isabelle, cuddling with Bitsy, movies with Sarah, bs-ing with Al, when Jenny or Heather call me "miss mandi" my ring, my cord, people playing with my hair, my phone, Turkish tea, Indian Chai, Diet Coke with Ice, Mashed Potatoes, UV, sleeping really hard, lots of pillows, IHOP, tattoos, really cool designs



Are you happy?
 I'm not always happy per say but there is always something...you know. HE's always got something up His sleeve doesn't he?


Do you miss someone?
yea,  I do.



Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
With a guy? I'm not sure. I would hope so. 


Who was the last person you gave your number to?
 Um...Kat? 



How was your day, What did you do?

It was good. I decided early I was not going to go to Sonshine today, woke up to take Izze to daycare, came back to Mom's and went to bed in the girls bed, watched Rachel Ray, went to lunch with Abi on her break, came back home, watched a documentary on Jim Jones, text and emailed friends, in a bit I'm going to pick Izze back up, then her Mom, then hopefully find something fun to do with Abi, Iz, Al and Sarah. I think tomorrow I'm going to Sonshine to see the Chicago family



When was the last time you cleaned your room?
Deep clean about a month ago, tidy and dusted Monday


Are you taking anyone for granted?
 

I don't think I am capable of fully grasping the worth of any of the people I love. They are beyond what I can comprehend and I'm fully aware of that


Where do you hide your money?
In my checking account??



How did you wake up this morning?
Abi came down and asked if I could take Iz 



Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?

I think they are both lovely


Are you sarcastic?

I think a little bit



How many letters are in your last name?
7



What are you excited about?

hanging out with the girls, maybe going to Sonshine, Monday, my job, Karate, school


How do you walk?

Obsessively. Duck footed.



Do you curse a lot?

...yea :/


Do you drink bottled water?

I use my nalgene and camelback a lot more then I buy bottled. It's bad for you and the earth. :) 


What's something you wish you could understand better?

Math, money, people, the human heart


Have you lost friends in the past years?

I think so.

What are you doing tonight?

Not so sure


Who was the last person to call you baby?
Izze




Is there anyone you'd like to date?
yea

Wasting Time

1: Name two facts about the last person who texted you:
1. She is beautiful.


2. She is solid. Loyal. 




02: Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings.....and?
I answer it, one of the girls is in the hospital or jail. I'm coming...



03: What is your favorite thing to eat?
potatoes

04: Where was your default picture taken?
at DTS in Oxford

05: Do you watch The Hills?
I've never seen an episode


06: What do you currently hear right now?
the t.v. mumbling, the fan, cars


07: What do you think your number 1 doing right now?
number one what? I swiped this off a myspace survey so Bits is in Flordia on her honey moon, I don't want to think about what she's doing. :) I'm kidding. She's enjoying her husband, her life, her God. As usual.

08: What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
me

09: Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
Prolly me eh? 


10: What's the last thing you ate?
Mashed Potatoes from Perkins. Nummy.... :?

11: Can you sleep in jeans?
Yep. I can sleep just about anywhere in anything anytime. Traveling the world will do that to you :)


12: What is something you just don’t understand?
Math.


13: Where were you on the 4th of July this 2008?
Bunker Beach, Colhours, Timberlodge

14: Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Gosh I can't even remember. No it was Izze a couple days ago.


15: Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Yea probably.

16: Do you care what others think about you?
There are a few people that their opinion of me matters to me but not to the point that I would change the core of who I am. But I think those core people think I'm pretty swell anyways so I'm good.

17: Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Yes


18: Did you have a good day?
It's 7:30 in the morning. Thus far it's been alright. I was up until 1 am because I don't have to work until 2 so I planned to stay up late and sleep late but there the sun is too bright so I'm awake. What a whiner, the sun is too bright? Did I really just say that? For God's sake the sun is out and I'm free and happy and healthy. Yes, it's a good day.


19: When was the last time you had a fist fight?
J punched me in the head Wednesday night but the last time I fought back was high school I bet.


20: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Trust is a big thing. And there are different levels there are guys that I trust would protect me, there are guys whose views and opinions I trust but whole body heart and soul trust? 6 or 7

21: What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
Last night I laughed at Sarah and Beth and Alex. 


22: When was the last time you got flowers?
Carrie bought me some when I was having a really rough week this spring.


23: Do you plan on moving out the next year?

No

24: What are your plans for the weekend?
I don't have any plans at this point. 


25: Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Work. It's the summer field trip staff shirt. It's an awful logo but a great color.

26: Do you like winter?
I LOVE winter.


27: Do you regret anything?
I don't want to live on regret. Spent too many years doing that. Are there things I look back and say dang I could have done that better, well yea of course. But I'm meant to learn from it and God will use EVERYTHING for good so I'm not usually worried about it.


28: Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Mostly I like conversations anytime.


29: What are you doing tomorrow?
Not sure yet. Almost have today figured out so we're looking good.


30: Do you like to cuddle?
I do. More then I think I do, I think.


31: Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Walking, peeing, going to the show, needing to talk. 


33: Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
No. I'm sure there are a couple but I don't think so. What you see is what you get. Your deal not mine.

34: Do you think you're approachable?
I think so. Which is funny cause most people would pry say no but I think I am because of the fact that strangers always do. And the people that love me do just because they do and know they can.

35: How late did you stay up last night?
1:00 AM

36: Do you like your school?
I'm not in school currently. I do feel a touch of tenderness when Park Center is in a parade or does something cool. 


37: Ever met a real life prostitute?
Many. And I loved them all. They were some of the funniest, most beautiful people I've ever met.

38 Are you going to grow apart from someone close?
Yea. Well...yea.

39: What will you be doing at 8 AM tomorrow?
It would be nice if I were sleeping but I don't think it will happen.


40: Ever danced in the rain?
I don't think I've danced but I've played and ran and such.


41: Last person you hugged?
Chris?

43: Have a gay best friend?
No, in fact I don't even know any gay people.

A Few Of My Favorite Things From Yesterday When I Was To Tired To Write It

Understanding Jesus because of a 3 year old. 

I never understood what it meant when people say

that Jesus' greatest pleasure is when we take joy in 

Him. It never clicked in my head until today when 

Izze ran to me and I realized, her desiring me

is one of my greatest joys. Her finding safety 

in my arms is one of the things of which I am most

proud. I am never too busy to lay down and cuddle

her to sleep. Then I took it one level deeper, if my niece

ever did something that the punishment was death

I would BEG someone to let me die in her place.

"And if you who are sinful can give your children good gifts, how

much more your Father who is in Heaven?"

Indian Food

It's such a comfort food. That is perfectly acceptable

to eat with your fingers. And it takes a long time

to eat, no matter how you eat it. So eating with a friend

is the best.

Birthday Gifts in July when your birthday is in March

And new journals and knowing no matter when or why

it will always be a journal and it will never

be the same. And learning Yiddish with my Jewish

sister.

Sarah

Sarah is one of the amazing people in my life.

When I'm with her I can talk and talk and talk

and she does not have to say anything but things 

start to make sense. And she encourages

and inspires and her successes make me feel like 

we've won, as a people. Like we're closer. Like we're 

doing something for the Kingdom. With Sarah I can be me.

"It's people like you and stories like yours that make me wonder

how anyone could ever say there is no God." 

Thanks.

Iron Man

Going to movies until Midnight at the cheap theater

with Diet Coke.

Movies that are so "unrealistic" but so painfully

true. 

And letting an ex-drug addict be a super hero.

And showing the world who chooses not to see

Redemption is

real.

Counseling 

And not being ashamed to say I go.

And God is moving MOUNTAINS!

And being so sure that nothing can 

change that. And being able to believe

the things that are said there.

And being SO SURE that no one and nothing

not even death

can take that away!

My name

My Mom wanted to name me Samantha.

It means Princess.

It would have fit, I think.

At last minute my Dad said it must be Amanda.

Yesterday God told me He works all things.

Even through evil He named me and claimed

me. And everyone is Beloved.

But I am literally, Latin, Beloved.

My name is AMANDA.

Mom 

 Praying and fasting together. 

And knowing that I am everything 

she dreamed I would be

when she held me for the first time.

And being able to say, this is the relationship

I dreamed I would have with her

someday.

Jon

Who is proud of me no matter

what team I cheer for.

Who makes me want to say "Dad" again.

Who wants to give me nice things

and be someone I'm proud of.

Who makes me laugh.

Shingling Roofs

Or it will be. Saturday when I do.

And laughing because both my Mom and I 

are going as an excuse to get sun

and tone up our arms.

And wanting to learn because

I will build a house someday.

Early Mornings

8 mile walks alone with my iPod before

it gets too hot.

Laughing at how "random" shuffle is.

And knowing He's grinning cause He's picking

out my iPod songs. That would be

my man wouldn't' it?

And coffee waiting when I get back.

Mornings are lovely.

And that other thing...

And knowing if you have dreams that

you could accomplish on your own

your dreaming too small.

Hoping I don't look too giddy.

 

Legally

It scares me.

A little...

But not at all.

Mostly because 7 to 11 is 5.

5 days.

5 shifts.

5 nights.

5 phone calls.

Until I'm finally free.

Because a slave is free the moment he escapes.

But is he really free if the plantation 

owner does not he's gone?

What about the moment when they 

finally reach Cairo, and step off

that boat to free land?

A free state.

A free life.

What about that moment.

What about that call.

A legal bind.

A legal break.

It makes me wish we

had mountains

or places high.

Places where I can scream

and jump.

Cliff jumping.

Sky diving.

Free falling.

Anything that would give

my blood 

and nerves

and muscles 

and bones

a place and a moment

to celebrate the way they 

deserve.

They are free.

We are free.

I am one.

I am safe.

I am 

Sound.

That E-Mail

I guess it should have stung

But it didn't. 

Not even a little bit.

Not even at all.

I laughed.

At how grown up everything starts

to feel, once you've decided to 

stop acting like a child.

And how everyone else seems to 

look like one.

How dramatic everything must be

when you decide to pursue 

simplicity.

Like getting Thanksgiving Dinner 

when all you wanted was a cracker.

The worst liars

are the people no one thought

would ever lie.

The best decoders

are ex liars.

The most selfish people are not the ones

who think of themselves first.

But the ones who think

always and only

of 

them-self.

It didn't sting.

I only wish I could have said 

it first.

Except I still think

there is something wrong

with ever saying it.

I think part of it 

goes against our humanity.

Trying to go backwards in something

that's meant to go forward.

Like walking down the up

escalator. 

Or fireworks in sunlight

In December.

It can't work because it's not 

supposed to happen.

Or laughing

When you should be 

crying.

Pink

I think I might like the color pink. 

Maybe I don't like pink but

I like the way my almost pink

bag matches my almost pink

keychain matches my almost pink

cell phone that looks good clutched

in my hand.

Or maybe the way my comfy almost pink

pants make me feel so smart in my 

U of Chi shirt even thou I'd never go.

I guess I don't have to hate pink

because she loved it

or because She hates it.

It can just be a color and I 

can just be 

a girl. 

Psalms 77

1I cry aloud to God,
   aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
   in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
   my soul refuses to be comforted.
3When I remember God, I moan;
   when I meditate, my spirit faints. 
                         Selah

 4You hold my eyelids open;
   I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5I consider the days of old,
   the years long ago.
6I said, "Let me remember my song in the night;
   let me meditate in my heart."
   Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7"Will the Lord spurn forever,
   and never again be favorable?
8Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
   Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" 
                         Selah

 10Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
   to the years of the right hand of the Most High."

 11I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12I will ponder all your work,
   and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13Your way, O God, is holy.
    What god is great like our God?
14You are the God who works wonders;
   you have made known your might among the peoples.
15You with your arm redeemed your people,
   the children of Jacob and Joseph. 
                         Selah

 16When the waters saw you, O God,
   when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
   indeed, the deep trembled.
17The clouds poured out water;
   the skies gave forth thunder;
   your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
    your lightnings lighted up the world;
   the earth trembled and shook.
19Your way was through the sea,
   your path through the great waters;
   yet your footprints were unseen.
20You led your people like a flock
   by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

"On judgement day, the Ninevites will stand up and give evidence that will condemn this generation, because when Jonah preached to them they changed their lives. A far grater preacher than Jonah is here, and you squabble about 'proofs.' On Judgement Day, the Queen of Sheba will come forward and bring evidence that will condemn this generation, because she traveled from a far corner of the earth to listen to wise Solomon. Wisdom far greater then Solomon's is right in front of you, and you quibble over 'evidence.'

Matthew 12

Dodgy

Were playing dodge ball in the hallway between our bedrooms. She had the nerf ball in her hand and stepped as if to slam it into my face.

I flinched: huge. True to character. She said the day in which I don't flinch will be the day that she does.

I said I've gotten better, I used to flinch much more often and much harder. To the fact that my heart jumped so fast and the muscles in my neck, shoulders and face clenched so hard and so fast that it was painful for me to be on the receiving end of a friendly jolt of surprise.

She asked how many times she's ever made contact.

0.

In eight years there is not one time that I can ever remember her hitting me, even in a playful manner, even when I have instigated it, even when I've asked for it.

So then she asked why do I flinch if she has never hit me.

Because the other 99 out of the 100 have.

And so what makes me doubt that the one, who has never hit me, would; this time?

Instinct?

No.

And so then she laughs under her breath and says something about it being similar to my spirituality.

What? How does this have anything to do with me and God?

Well why, do you let every other relationship you've had, define that one?

I don't...

"Then why do you keep flinching?"