28 December 2007

IHOP

It's really hard to get that backpack out and pack again, by myself. To know none of you will be at the other end...and aren't here now. To not laugh or joke about whose packing what and how small my bag is. To roll Jenn's shirt and Liz's hoodie because there mine now but every time I look at them, their still theirs. But wearing them makes the distance and the space seem a little smaller.

To sit and hold her knowing Jenny's on her way over and I have to put you down and you don't understand why I'm leaving or when I'll be back. I'm not even sure if you really understand how much I love you.

And the truth is I don't want to go. I don't want to travel again as short as it may be. I'm still living out of a damn suitcase...

But I'm learning to cling to him and him alone. And I know He's going to speak and move in me in huge ways...and so I go. I hope You know, I'm searching for you. I'm running after you. You are the only thing that matters, really matters in my life. I just want you and more of you. I'm yours. Use me.

13 December 2007

Where I've Come To With him

I didn't realize until I got home from dropping Abbi off at work that I had passed his house. There was no part of me that needed to go back. No part of me that needed to prove myself, to show him I did it. To tell him anything. To hurt him, to yell, to scream. I pulled into our driveway and it dawned on me that I had passed his and didn't even notice.

This is what forgiveness feels like isn't it?

12 December 2007

Random Home Musings

I really didn't think that anyone still read this.

Yes, it's really hard. There are a lot of things I should have thought about before, loose ends I should have tied up, things I should have prepared for that I didn't and they are making it hard. I should have thought it would be really hard not to have a bed, really hard not to have my car, any of my own things.

The one relationship I was petrified of losing, and then convinced would never change...has. I knew it would I guess but not like this. That was my processing plan, having her here.

Psalms 13 is great. And so is the new Barlow Girl c.d.
And so is driving...even if it's not my car and it's just to run an errand for someone else. It's nice to be behind the wheel. That wil always be one of my most favorite things in the world, driving when it's dusk in winter, with music. I don't care where I'm going or why I'm going there. I love driving.

I love that Izze makes everyone sing the secret song and do a dance party before they can open her Burger King toy. Reminds me of Tim. And because she cried today and when I asked her what was wrong she said she just wanted to be naked. That reminds me of the boys too. She calls soccer: football but gets upset because she wants to be able to play in high heels. Reminds me of Jenn.

God is good.

This is so random. I am a writer but I'm trying so hard to keep myself in charge of my emotions and there going nuts. So pardon.

New Years will be nice to just start everything new...

I miss Jenn and Kevin.

I love being like best friends with someone before you ever talk on the phone. I love talking to Bitsy on the phone.

Jet lag or emotional...either way I can't eat but boy can I drink. (I've gone through $20 in Caribou gift cards in 2 days!)

11 December 2007

Home

It is so much harder then I thought it would be to be "home"