Confrontation: Why it's all about Daddies.

While I have an intense love of conversation and probing questions, I've always been bad at confrontation. Bad? To say that I'm bad at confrontation is probably painting me in too positive of a light. I'm awful at confrontation. I bend, buckle, and break at confrontation. I avoid it, run from it, or in many circumstances pretend it doesn't exist. In the midst of it I will usually say "yes" when I mean "no" or agree when I am opposed. I will usually very quickly give my side of the argument up or turn myself around in circles verbally until I'm usually apologizing at the end...


How do I give you back story on my next topic, this afternoon I had a conversation with my "Papa." Now my Papa is not my "Dad," not my birth Dad at least and in this conversation is not referring in any sense to God as my Heavenly Father either.

Most people know that at best my birth Dad has been "absent" for the last many years. I choose to believe in my heart of hearts that in his heart of hearts my Dad is a good man. That somewhere lost in years of addiction and mental disorder there is still a man left in there who loves the three beautiful daughters he helped create. But circumstances, many of which he is choosing he can't live in that reality right now. (I still pray that someday he will be able to). Regardless for most of the hardest years of my life I was without a Dad, in any earthly sense. (And while we are still a few months away from my Mother's Day manifesto on the amazing testimony of my Mom's life; let me just take the moment to clarify that she is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. I am very clear that without her intense fighter's heart, passion, zeal and immortal soul three women and two little girls would not be here). But this story is about Daddies.

The last couple years as I've journeyed further into adulthood, further into a period of life where I feel I should be entering into intentional relationship with another man, have cut apron strings and headed out into the world on my own I have begun to realize that my heart is crying out for my Daddy. Because no matter what, what little girl doesn't want her Daddy? What twenty seven year old doesn't want her Daddy? Instead of placing men on scales of potential mate material like my peers, I have actually processed men I met in my head on their merits of a father. "If I had a Daddy, I would want him to be like you..." Ironically I've also spent the last many years sitting in on numerous teachings from many different ministries and leaders about exploring the Father's Heart of God and accepting an identity of Sonship through Christ, but again this story isn't about Father God right now either, this really just is about my Papa.

A couple years ago I had started working in a new ministry and met a pretty cool guy. One of our first interactions was driving a van load of kids three hours up north for a weekend retreat. I was pretty excited to get put in the van with him because although I didn't know him outside of his name and fondness for volleyball I assumed he'd have good taste in music. (Years later I'm wondering what I was thinking, he's only got three songs on his iPod under the genre "Rap/Hip Hop" and their all remixes of the same song!) He's a lot like me in that he wastes no time getting to know someone though, or maybe that was me and unspoken trust I knew I had for him from day one. All I remember is by the time we got up to camp, we'd faded the music really loud in the back for the kids and really quiet up front and I had told him more about who I really was than I had told  most people in years. By the time the weekend was over, he'd given me very symbolic advice about a ring I was wearing that I took and have held to, to this day. Unfortunately the Lord called him out of that ministry shortly after that trip but we continued to keep tabs on FaceBook and tease each other when I would see him playing volleyball. A year or so later him and his wife spoiled me one winter weekend by asking me to puppy sit while they went out of town and I got a house, three warm pups, beer, organic groceries, and a king size bed to myself for the weekend. It was than his wife and I started a not very consistent relationship of a "hi" here or there and surface level conversation when we would all end up at the same restaurant. A last minute New Year's party found me at their house again when the year I skipped IHOP.

Last year both him and her were guests at a wedding I was personal attendant at. This was five days before I left for New Zealand. His wife ended up taking me aside at the wedding and pouring insane amounts of truth and life over my trip and ministry heading into YWAM again. A few days later as I was leaving a text that they wanted to be monthly supporters of my ministry. I left for YWAM overwhelmed of course by all the emotions of leaving, the excitement of a new journey and the business of working as a full time missionary. But in the back of my mind this remembrance of what she had said to me at the wedding, how could someone know me that well without actually knowing me? Hit the mark so clearly on my heart without ever having journeyed there?

As the weeks and months passed, my relationship with her grew. We spoke almost daily on Facebook, from "hi" and "thinking of you" to deep, tear filled conversations as I learned to live this life, sometimes with great success, sometimes with bruises and bloody knees. Without knowing it another 'family' was being birthed. I came home in December and after days with my family, collapsed on their couch, I was finally completely home.

And skipping many of the steps and some of the intimate details which belong to us as a family I am now back in New Zealand having left two families behind. My family of Mom, Jon, Jessi, Dan, Abbi, Izze and Faith whom I love as much as anyone coming from an amazing family can love and my new family, my Papa, other Mum and an awesome second set of siblings. This is a family we chose. A committed,  intentional "grafting in" while still seamlessly being deeply committed and connected to my original family. I have spent many hours bawling as my Papa and Mum have poured truth over my life, as they have covenanted to me what walking out this new family life will look like, what it's like to give emotional birth to a full grown adult. What it looks like to "parent" a twenty seven year old. We spent our first family Christmas together this year and I even got sent here with a "baby blanket" of sorts. (Another long story for a different time).

This afternoon I was talking to my Papa (yep, it just doesn't get old being able to say that as a part of my normal vocabulary). We were talking about a very touchy, sensitive subject.

Ok.... we were talking about boys.

For one of the first times that I can remember, I was interacting in a Father/Daughter conversation. I was trusting. I was being loved. I was confidant of my security as his daughter. I knew to this man, I am the most beautiful twenty-something on the planet. He literally does believe I am kind, creative and worthy. It dawned on me as I was processing later, this is what security feels like. This is what a daughter is supposed to feel from her father. I am supposed to be less strong than he is. I am meant to have less answers than he has. I am meant to need his wisdom, his care, his direction. Even as an adult.

There is so much confidence that comes from knowing who you are...

I'm am learning there is also much confidence to be found in knowing whose you are.

This year, I am on a massive counter strike to everything that seeks to detract me from being the best version of me. The most whole, healthy, happy version of Mandi that God has had designed and planned since Creation. I knew sooner or later learning to deal with confrontation and uncomfortable conversation would be a part of that journey. Today that opportunity came...

Shortly after my chat with Pops I had a conversation with someone here that set me uneasy. Perspective was off, interaction badly timed, my Spirit was bristled. I defaulted to saying "yes" and agreeing and went about my task. It was in this I felt myself also defaulted to an unpleasant attitude and even fair bit of stress attached to having agreed to something I didn't actually agree with. I felt myself starting to get angry with this person and more upset with myself for in my mind "wussing" out of actually saying what I believed. I continued to clean one of our spare rooms and prayed quietly to myself. At some point I started replaying my conversation with my Papa and in some small head space decided to stop what I was doing and go have a conversation with the person I had disagreed with. It was a very small matter, that after clarifying was understood by both of us in a different and much more agreeable light. But for me, actually coming to that conclusion was so small compared to the process in my head and heart that got to a place of confrontation at the first place.

It was the eyes of my heart being opened to the truth that was already there. A truth that perhaps was waiting for a Daddy to open up...

My mind is worthy and valid because it was created with the utmost care in the hands of Creator God. My choice to agree or disagree with another person does not stand to make any type of statement on my identity as a Beloved Daughter of the Most High King. (And I capitalize that because that is a royal identity with a whole lot of street cred in the supernatural thank you very much!) As an adult, living in very close community, with lots of people with their own eyes, ears, hearts, perspectives and ideas there are bound to be disagreements that require confrontation. It's not really the end of the world is it? That conversation has no bearing whatsoever on who I am or how much I am loved and cherished. It needed to happen, it happened and life went on it's merry way.

But for me that small little conversation was a real big deal because it represented a real new understanding for me. I am learning what it is to be secure in the grasp of a Heavenly Father by learning what it is to be secure in the arms of an earthly one. I am learning what it is to accept my identity as beautiful, beloved, cherished, pursued, fought for, provided for, blessed, taught, protected by my Heavenly Father because I am seeing it walked out by an earthly one.

And my Papa? He loves me.

Old school, new school

It has now been close to three weeks that I've been in New Zealand. On Friday I had a chance to go into Christchurch with Dave and Ben to meet up with Laura. (All three of whom were staff on my DTS six years ago). It was a fun trip into the city but more than that for me it was meaningful on the drive home as I talked with the boys about what they saw as their successes and failures as a leader. We talked about my successes and failures as a student underneath them and also as a leader last year. And while I'm still not comfortable in my own skin enough that talking about mistakes is FUN, it's significant. One of my goals this year is to become a master of perspective, continually seeking a different one in order to learn the most from a situation. Sitting as a former student with some of my leaders, talking about what they saw as their mistakes was a very insightful perspective for me. Once I got home and was writing  I realized for me what a beneficial perspective it will be. I get to do this thing again, I get to learn from not only my own mistakes but from theirs as well. I get to celebrate and try to replicate their successes and mine. While at times it made me feel pretty old, (to keep referring to six years ago when it still feels like yesterday) I feel really blessed to have been able to have those conversations with those guys.

We've also welcomed in the two new schools, the Around the World in 80 Days DTS and the Father's Love Crossroads DTS. During the welcoming ceremony (which I had been a part of on my DTS) those who had been previously welcomed unto the land and the leaders sat on one side of the yard and the new students sat on the other. I'm sitting there, realizing which side I'm on. I'm not the new one anymore. I am a part of something here, I'm welcome here. Later in the night a leader here came up to me and said he believed God wanted me to know that I'm here for a reason. That there is a significant purpose for me being here in this season. That while people may be trying to define what I'm doing or my time and roles here to close my ears to those things. That God has a bigger work to do in my life than the work I feel I need to be doing here. To trust that I am here for a purpose. Clearly, the significant moments of this weekend just keep on coming.

Saturday night a friend and I ended up on the mountain looking at the stars and chatting. Talking about all things YWAM, the struggles, the joys, our goals. Sometimes there are really obvious things we all miss, family, normal jobs, comfort zones. But than sometimes you find yourself sitting under a million individually created twinkling stars completely aware that the One who created them, spent even more time and attention creating you, orchestrating life as it has been to get you to that point. Not knowing what it is, but knowing that it is, I am here for a reason.

We begin.

The sun sets in Oxford behind me from the nook in the dining room I find myself again. This time in shorts and a hoodie; sunburnt neck and shoulders, sand fly bit ridden feets. In so many ways, I've left home and family. But in so many other ways, I have come back home.

I am here. Back in Oxford where a huge part of my heart will always belong. My last few days in the States were wonderful. And while I don't want to toot my own horn, I am proud of my ability to have stayed present and in the moment while preparing to conquer such a mountain in my life again. My last few days in Minnesota were amazing, spent with my Mom, sisters and nieces. We took Faith to American Girl and my Mom bought her her first American Girl doll which I hear has been named Lucy. We also managed to get Jess hooked on our families new favorite obsession : LUSH. I am happy I went home for two months inbetween my seasons here at Oxford. I am blessed beyond belief by an amazing, beautiful, supportive family. I am so proud of them, of us, of who we are today. While it made leaving harder because times were so sweet, it also made leaving easy knowing that they are standing back, loving me, supporting me, cheering me on, praying me forward.

From Minnesota I flew to Denver to spend a few last days in the US with Sophie,  And in a cheesy yet important and symbolic way wanted her to be the one who sent me off on this new chapter. Colorado is absolutely breathtaking, for multiple reasons I am so glad I went but a huge one being seeing that much awesome creation prepared my heart to head back to the most beautiful place I've ever been. Speaking of beautiful, I also was beyond blessed to meet back up with Kathryn, Alyssa and Jenny from last years school and hear of their amazing adventures living in obedience and faith in God's plan. I am so PROUD of those girls! So proud. It's been really fun to be back in Oxford and be able to share some of their stories with those who knew them here, everyone is so encouraged when a member of our little family heads out to bring the Kingdom in other places of the world. Leaving is always hard, and leaving Colorado was no exception. I got on my plane out with courage and boldness though, holding each other in the airport Soph prayed life, joy, blessing, and adventure over my next season. A few minutes later my "little brother" Steve called to pray blessing, peace, freedom and encouragement over my time until he will see me again and finally as I was getting on the plane my Mom called to pray protection, blessing, her pride and joy over me as I headed out. A powerful place to be, I'm not surprised that shortly after the plane took off, I slept for a solid seven hours.

 I landed in New Zealand many hours later and without even being able to control it a sneaky grin plastered itself over my face and wouldn't leave. I can tell you, at this point it was completely out of my control to be able to contain that smile. I'm still very much in transition here. Just as I've traded my long, soft curly hair for awkward, hippie dreads that are taking a long time to "take" and probably longer to get used to. I've traded in a life I know and am comfortable with for one with very little known plan, waiting and anticipating God's voice or direction every morning, at this point and than it's going to take some getting used to. At this point, I've got no idea what the next days holds, I miss my family, my girls, my friends but I can't stop from smiling. I know this smell, I know this place, I know this sky, I know these mountains, I know this place. I remember walking from the international terminal to the domestic in Auckland and catching my reflection in the glass. I was wearing a new sweater I found on clearance at Target, it has quarter sleeves so the new tattoo I had inked in honor of my two nieces is still healing in the sun, a new backpack I've wanted for months that a supporter bought for me, before that day I hadn't used the ear buds that came with my phone, I'd never listened to the new Justin Beiber acoustic album I was listening to, and every time I see my new hair it still throws me for a loop. Everything about my reflection was new, but the place familiar.

Who is this girl God? I asked. What's your plan for her here? Amazing sometimes, how far we have to go to be able to get so close...

And so I'm home. Many of my questions are still unanswered. My role and jobs here are always changing. It's a big time of transition around here, with people coming and going almost daily as we prepare for the new season. I'll be helping out in a lot of different areas. I'm helping to transition in our new head cook, a sweet 24 year old Kiwi girl named Gina, so what I'm sure will come as a huge shock to my Mom, I ended up back in the kitchen today. I've been hanging out with the AW80 staff, half of whom I already knew and half of who are new. I'll start reading "Strengths Based Leadership" and take the Strengths Finders test tonight to get ready for BLS on Thursday. I'll be helping Cindy with hospitality as she's still recouping and healing from a couple injury's earlier this year. Tomorrow I'll start getting my feet wet with the admin side of SDTS and Wednesday start nannying some friend's little boys so they can train with the rest of their staff. I'm still finding time to find a quiet nook to read, journal, run, walk, listen. I've been doing a lot of listening. Mark Parker is here leading training with staff and he's such a man of wisdom, hearing him go back and forth with staff is hilarious, insightful and challenging. I'm loving being here while the Crossroads staff are in training. They are SO full of wisdom and gentleness. My favorite times of the day are meals, when we sit outside in the sun and talk and talk and talk. Conversation here is the best!

My favorite quote of the night was Joe's advice when you realize you like someone.
"You pray about it. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. You let that sucker cook!"

Yes, I'm learning lots! Today during worship we were singing, "You work all things together for my good." And it hit me like a ton of bricks, God really does work EVERYTHING together for my good! Scripture promises it. (Romans 8:28). There is so much freedom in that truth. When things don't go as we thought they should, as we planned, as we hoped. If we trust God it must mean that He has something better planned right? I mean if He's working ALL together for my good, than His plan for the situation must be better than what I had planned for it right? What grace for dealing with disappointment. "Yea, I wanted A, B, and C to happen but it didn't." So I trust that my God is bigger than me, so obviously there is something better than A, B, or C in His plan.

And instantly my cynic mind thinks, "Yea but what about dealing with people and they're sinful, they have their own motives and intentions. Yea, maybe God has my best in mind but what about the rest of the world?" And that's a hard verdict in a place like this. So much of EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY DAY is dealing with other people, namely other Christians. And I'm the senser. I'm the one who picks up on moods, hints, secret communication, I don't know where I get it or why, but I pick up on EVERYTHING. So much of this takes insane amounts of trust and vulnerability and God brought to mind 1 Cor. 13. Yes, that super over used almost cliche chunk of verses about love. But love isn't suspicious is it? Love doesn't assume that other people are selfishly motivated, or out for themselves.  True love ASSUMES that everyone is acting in love! True love BELIEVES that everyone is putting everyone else first. True love HOPES.

That's my little nugget today. They've been almost daily, I'm going to need my Duck to bring me another journal cause I'm definitely finding myself in a journaling season.

I'm learning a lot. I'm being stretched a lot. It's a new journey but I'm three days in. We begin...

Beautiful Colorado

Sunday Brunch at American Girl. Abbi, Izze, Faith, Sis, and Mom.

Seeing these ladies again was so much fun!

Special times with one of my best friends in the world!