Extra Prayer

Extra prayer would be helpful today as I found out that a $5800 medical bill that was supposed to have been paid by my insurance company was not paid.

This just brings up all sorts of fears and insecurities from past medical trauma and even harder to deal with financial trauma and turmoil that comes with it.

Extra prayer would be nice as I try to wade through the paperwork, contact the right people, make the right choices and try to stay calm.

And I thought fasting was going to be easier the second time around...

The Challenge has been laid...

So Tuesdays around here are "BLS Days." BLS stands for "Basic Leadership School," and it's a two year school that all our staff here go through. Tuesday's we meet as a group with speakers and members of our training department. It's a time of lecture, discussion, etc. We have journals, book reports, final projects. Oh, and we also are required to staff  a school and lead an outreach. ;) BLS is so much more than a class for me, BLS is the two years I've been here. It's the people I've met, the ones I've lead and those who have lead me.

It was at BLS last week that I was sitting after lecture was over. Len had just finished talking about upping our faith a notch. He told this story of a time in full time missions when he was praying and trusting God for a very specific car.  He'd had to wait for years to get this car, but he was finally blessed with the exact vehicle he and his son had been praying for. During lecture I was talking with God about my finances. While I've blogged and started a fundraising website for support this season, I've started to target in on just one thing: getting home for Christmas. I've been praying daily for the support and gifts to be able to go home during the holidays. I sometimes struggle with nervousness and anxiety about not having a ticket yet. Those around me seem to be a little more convinced than I am. Sophie watched as thousands of dollars came in in minutes last year to support my outreach to Malaysia. Becky saw similar miracles with my huge medical bill earlier this year. Isn't it easy, when you're in the middle of a pressing situation to forget those times? God has always come through for me financially. That's one of the things I'm thankful for in community, when I am tempted to forget the times of God's faithfulness the ones that love me are there to remind me.

Anyways, during Len's lecture I was struggling, was my faith meant to be upped a notch that I'm not going home? That I need to trust God's plan if the finances don't come in to buy a ticket? There was just a big internal struggle going on because I absolutely believe God has given me the green light to go but the finances just aren't reflecting that. It was literally during this internal monologue when a friend and fellow staff member came up to me and told me point blank: "Mandi I want to give you $500 to get you home for Christmas."

Let me pause the story one moment...

Friend and fellow staff member means something: this is another self supported missionary who is not making any "income" for the job she is working right now.

And she wants to give me $500! I couldn't help but tuck my head into my shirt and cry.

Than she added something, "I want you to put it online, so your blog followers, facebook friends and everyone can see it. I want to pose this challenge: I want people to match my gift."

There's another thing about community: It's challenging.

And so I'm posting this. One to honor my friend; you know who you are. Thank you so much! Thanks for tipping me from fear back into confidence.

As well to honor her request: Will you pray about helping to match her radical gift? I have friends waiting to get me the best deal on a ticket and gift me their airline miles for the domestic portion of my flights as soon as the money is in. We're budgeting $1800 for the round trip travel home for Christmas in December and than back to New Zealand before the next schools start. If God leads you to donate any amount there is a link to donate through my Paypal on the upper right hand corner of this page, as well as a link to my fundraising page. Thank you so much for your prayer and support. Thanks for taking up this challenge with my friend.

Little Boys: Noise with dirt on it.

What a special evening I had.

Dear friends of mine (and leaders in this ministry) went into the city last night to check on the progress of Baby #3's entrance into the world. They had asked Sophie and I to stay with their two oldest last night. What a special time. It was both a challenge (in the best way) and a blessing to be able to spend the evening and night with those sweet boys. Trying to keep dinner cooking, the fire burning, laundry going, boys from biting (or playing in the toilet) was an adventure. What an insight into the lives of Moms: intentional, intentional, intentional. It took me close to an hour to get a load of laundry on the line because while I wanted to finish my task, stopping to gently correct a three year old when he had been too rough with his brother was more important. Just as important was interrupting myself to celebrate him when I saw him help his brother into their imaginary fire truck made out of a card board box. When the oldest didn't something I did approve of I would get down on his level and ask him for his eyes and wait until he'd given me eye contact so I had a better chance of the few seconds of attention. It made me laugh out loud by the end of the night when I knelt beside him after pushing his brother and he covered his eyes.

And I loved every minute of it.

I loved chasing pretend monsters. I loved sticking a plastic hook into my sleeve and chasing "Jake" (check out Disney Jr. "Jake" is the new Peter Pan). I loved making a hot chocolate for the oldest and laughing with him as I held him up to the mirror to see his "mustache." I loved getting drenched during bath time. I loved watching them scream with laughter when I would growl and roar over top them. I loved the diapered bottom hoping into my lap for stories. I loved watching little fingers and noses press up against clean windows waiting for Sophie to come sing to them. I loved watching the boys hug after I let them be in the same room again after a particularly nasty "wrestle."

I loved sitting down to watch a movie knowing that two little boys were happy, safe and fast asleep. That although it was work to keep my eyes open at ten o'clock that the boys had felt love all night long. That although maybe we had one too many special treats. Ok, maybe they got to leave the table before they should have, and we did lose quite a bit of bath water to splashing. They were loved, they were happy, they were cared for.

And for me? That's missions.

Day 40

Technically today is Day 41.

I realized that last night. I'd "broken" my fast momentarily. In a moment of temptation I consumed something that is "non Daniel Fast approved." And I thrashed around last night not able to sleep because of guilt. It was a in the middle of the night that I felt God whisper to me to count back my days. Indeed last night had been 40 days.

Regardless I argued with Him, I set in my mind to fast until noon on Sunday.

Funny how a fast, a time set aside to draw into the heart of God can come down to my own stubbornness and desire to control my own plans.

"God let me tell you, how my service to your heart is going to look."

Silly girl. I remind myself the woman in Song of Songs sometimes. "He is mine and I am His." First comes my plans, second His. Oh wake up!

This morning I woke up early (sleep was not sweet last night) and felt like God was telling me to "steal away with him."  So I threw on some shoes and headed up to the look out over our little town.

The walk up the hill I was still trying to beg God forgiveness. (But let's be real, forgiveness from Him is instant as soon as we repent. I was asking to be released from my guilt.) I was sitting at this little table up at the top and praying. Asking for God to take over my mind. I had previously planned to spend today in the city celebrating forty days. There were moments in the last few hours that I've asked God if I should still be celebrating.

"God is celebrating your heart, your work in my life, is this something I still deserve? Do I deserve to laugh, smile, play, eat, drink, enjoy your creation today after letting you down last night?"

I was listening to my favorite worship song up there and asking God to be near me.

He didn't call to fast for forty days to fall into religiosity and legalism. He didn't call me away for forty days to get lost in a puddle of guilt that my humanness still existed. He called me away for forty days to show me who I am, to show me who He is, to show me His power, His gentleness, His joy and His grace.

He called me away for forty days to remind me I am human. I make mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes but His grace is new every morning. His joy for me is immense and un-containable. His plans for me are immense and un-containable. He is God and I am not.

Every day that a treat, a piece of cheese, sugar, coffee, a glass of wine, were said "no" to for the sake of laying down the things I like to press further into Him joy was added to His heart. Every time I stayed in my apartment to make a vegan meal instead of joining with others in the Dining room and stayed in the quiet with Him joy was added to His heart.

For the first 21 days of this fast I was reading Daniel every day. And this verse still stands out to me,

"As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed." -Daniel 9:23.

Daniel's been fasting for days. His heart is breaking and he's crying out for God to move. An Angel appears to him and speaks these words.

I love this, from the moment Daniel decided to fast and pray the heart of God had been moved toward him.

I fasted for forty days because God has 'given me greater joy than when the grain and new wine abound". I fasted for forty days because I knew there was something for me in the center of His flame and I needed to get there.

I fasted because I wanted to learn to love God with all my heart, my mind, my strength and my soul.

I fasted because I wanted to learn how to look at myself like He does. That I make mistakes, I'm so completely, uniquely and perfectly human.

And He still loves me.

So in a moment I'm going to celebrate! I'm going into the city; to laugh, to eat, to drink, to enjoy this beautiful sunny day, to enjoy it all with one of my best friends in the whole world. Later my roommates are coming into the city to meet us for a nice Italian dinner.

Because He still loves me.

He still loves us.

Help me get home for Christmas!

Quick update on me if you haven't been getting my support newsletters and emails... (If you have my apologies in repeating some of the info, but keep reading...there are some new nuggets :) 

If you've been following along on my facebook (I had been "fasting" Facebook during the first portion of the Daniel Fast. Friends had been posting blog links and other important information for me. As of yesterday, I was back on at a once a day basis, in order to keep proper communication. But have still not reinstalled the facebook app on my phone in order to avoid distraction).  Or if you're on Instagram you'll know I've extended what I had intended on being only a 21 day Daniel Fast to at least another ten days. There are a couple of reasons for that; one I feel that there is still more God intends to impart on me in this time. My time in the word, in worship and in prayer during this fast have been intense and life giving. I've found so much new meat to my prayer life, so much fervency in devouring the word and renewed focus in worship. Also the last week has been a substantially hard one. I had to say goodbye to another sweet child in my life as God's direction for his families life took him away from me, my schedule changed drastically now that I'm not homeschooling and a primary relationship in my life came to a close. Satan just found sneaky ways to attack my identity and my heart;  a scary interaction with a man in the city and unearthing old lies that I'm not beautiful or valuable.  As much as I would like to believe as a missionary constantly surrounded by God loving, love sick worshippers I'd be immune to such attack I'm not and the enemy has had a field day with my heart this last week. I feel like intentionally pressing in for even more of His heart is a wise road to take. 

Secondly after the first week was past, eating the way the Daniel Fast requires. (Only foods that once came from a seed. No salts, sugars, dressings, meats, dairy, etc) has benefited my physical body and life in profound ways. While there has been small weight loss, the real benefits are how I feel. Most days I have much more energy than I did previously. I sleep better and have an easier time both going to bed and waking up. I feel in overall better shape, I last longer snowboarding and running. My hair and nails have been growing faster than I've ever noticed them to do. Skin issues I'd still been having from being sick in April and May are almost completely gone. People have commented that my eyes and skin are brighter. I feel lighter and more present in my day to day. One of the best things is I have not had even one allergic reaction to anything I have eaten in the last 25 days! No itchy mouth or swollen lips, nothing! Praise God! The Daniel Fast has also seemingly coincided with a huge release in creativity in our apartment. It seems as though every night my roommates and I are writing, painting, making music, crafting or in my case making food. I've found this insane love of preparing food.  I find huge joy in finding news ways to combine fresh fruits and veggies into beautiful and tasteful meals. Almost daily I'll have Sophie come look at some "pretty" new combination of foods with the same pride she displays new paintings. Even after the fast is done I'm praying about continuing a vegan lift style. The verse from 1 Cor. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit?" has new meaning in the past twenty some days, I feel like I'm starting to understand and respect that reality in my life. I want to continue to treat my body as a temple, the very house the Holy Spirit is choosing to reside in in this life. 

I was hit with that reality today, that this is the best way. That when Jesus was getting ready to leave the disciples he said he was going to send the comforter and the helper and that it would be better that way. So often I yearn for heaven, I just want to be with Jesus now! I just want him to show up in my room now! I want him in this coffee shop with me, at this beach with me, in the car with me. But Jesus himself said, that is this reality it is better for me to have the Holy Spirit in me, that is the greater help right now. I want to continue to live in that reality, that I am housing the very Spirit of God in me. That's a big job and I want to treat myself and my body as a proper place for His Holiness. 

So where am I now?

I have a meeting set for this weekend to discuss how my roles will change after the snowboard school leaves for outreach and the new schools begin. At this time I know that I will still be teaching Bible in Schools weekly. (I've been asked by the classroom teacher that I work with if I'd be willing to come in and teach some art classes with the kids which will start next week as well).I have absolutely loved being in a classroom again. I've loved seeing even the shyest kids start to come out of their shells and volunteer to play the role of Pharoah or Moses in our stories. To see them all bolt their hands up to remind me what we learned the week previous.  I've also been asked to take up leading our bases weekly intercession times. This is the time our whole base comes together, staff and students to pray and interceed for other peoples and nations. I'm really excited to be taking this over and finding creative ways to engage with the heart of God for the world. 

I'm excited for what God is doing in this place. We've found ourselves in a massive time of transition but God is continuing to show up, continuing to make himself and his plans known, continuing to change the lives of everyone who comes through this place. 

As I feel it continues to be God's plan for me to be here for an extended period of time my financial needs change. While this time last year I was fundraising to be able to lead the team to Malaysia right now I'm fundraising for different needs as living and staffing this base becomes career. 

1. The financial need in the forefront of my mind and heart right now is for a plane ticket to go back to Minnesota for Christmas. When I came to New Zealand in February I came on a one-way ticket because it was what I could afford at the time and did not know exactly what God's plans were as far as when I would be going home. In May is became apparent I should go to Minnesota for a short time for medical reasons as well as being refreshed by family and I was gifted the money to do so. I still do not have a ticket back to Minnesota. My prayer and my families hope is that I could come to the US for a month over Christmas and New Years.

If I can go to the States for a month I can work for a good three weeks with my Mom and attempt to make a little bit of my own money to continue to support myself. While three weeks of work does not sound like much income, take into consideration that my room and board is paid for with only $90 US/week. Working in the states for three weeks translates into a few months of my own support.

But obviously the biggest reason I want to go home for a white Minnesota Christmas is my family. Having little ones that I am so close to so far away is incredibly difficult at times. I believe that I am following God's will for my life and I know that someday Isabelle and Faith will understand that. But it's important for me to be in their lives as often as I can however I can, often that is Skype calls home, Voxers (a walkie-talkie app on our phones) and photos and packages exchanged back and forth. But my heart yearns to be with them a few times a year. To hear Faith learn to say my name in the flesh, to take Isabelle snow tubing, keep her up late with hot chocolate and Christmas movies. After the New Year the plan is that it would be at least another 9 months before I would be in Minnesota again. I believe, and am part of a community that believes it's important to go on furlough a few times a year, I would love for Christmas to be one of those times for me. A time to head back to my family, my church and friends and be reconnect, share about all the work God is doing here and in my life and share in the amazing time of the year. The time we celebrate the Savior that draws me into this crazy life being born and starting this whole thing in motion. 

I am obviously in financial need for the ticket. The reason I am writing about Christmas tickets while it's still August is that there is a massive sale going on right now and a round trip ticket is only about $1000. (Which is an INCREDIBLE deal when it comes to international flights). Through fundraising and gifts of people through out the last season my room and board expenses have been paid for the next few months but the money I had brought to New Zealand with me from savings and working while I was home in the winter has dwindled down from day to day living expenses, health care, (I have insurance but have to pay the first 20% of any medical expenses), gifts and blessing others, etc. 

I am praying that supporters, family and friends would be lead to help "bring me home for Christmas" and support me in what I'm doing here. It is often hard for those of us in this community to write these kind of letters home; most of us are working a pretty typical 9-5 job be it in the office, the kitchen, or a little of everything like me but having to raise our own salary to live. God always makes a way around here and I constantly find myself walking in His blessing. Would you pray about helping me raise funds to go home for Christmas in Minnesota? If you are a monthly supporter, if you helped me with medical expenses earlier this year, if you've have sent me a gift last year and helped me lead our Malaysia outreach, if you've laughed, cried, or been encouraged with me through this blog, if you've been thinking or praying about donating to missions; would you consider praying about investing in me here? 

If you feel lead to give I have a link at the top of this page on the right that goes directly to my paypal. Otherwise you can send check to me at PO Box 47 Oxford, North Canterbury New Zealand 7443. 

Please feel free to send me a letter to that address at anytime letting me know how you're doing, what God's doing in your life, how I can pray for you. As the seasons change and I spend less time on social media I find myself falling out of contact with people which is not my heart at all. I want to press more into the heart of God but don't want to lose touch. Real letters force us to slow down around here. :) 

I had a small list of things I needed to fund raise for but I feel to stop the email there. This is my heart and I absolutely believe in the power of God's provision and the trust and faith in builds in me. Thank you for joining me in this journey. 

Insight into my homework.

This is a small portion of a journal I had to turn in for our leadership school that I thought I would share about the work God is doing in my heart in this time.

3. What has been a joy this week? What are you excited about? A joy has continued to be God's prescence during this fast. I was at the lookout a while ago heaving I was sobbing so hard to worship, "Oh death where is your sting? Oh hell where is your victory? Oh church come stand in the light our God is not dead he's alive He's alive." And I just am weeping my eyeballs out because I've been up there praying and crying out to him and journaling and these wounds are coming out of my confusion and I can feel him replacing them with his truth and it's like this searing pain. And that line comes on and it's just like "Oh death where is your sting?" And I know it's talking about physical death but what kept coming to mind was this spiritual death of my flesh and this false identity I'd put on and clung to because of this wound and I'm just crying out as I'm turning it over, "Oh death (of that identity) where is your sting?" He is bigger. He is bigger. Yes, His prescience has been my joy this week. It has continued to be a stingy process as my flesh comes to the surface and is dealt with through this fast but every day there is something more of His heart for me to walk into. This has been some of the hardest heart work God's done in me in years but it has just been so powerful. I found myself in tears (Gee that's shocking) a few days ago as I was processing through relationship stuff with Sophie and she said, "Mandi, you're falling more in love with God than you are anything else, that's a good thing!" And that is where His joy has brought me this week, I am starting to finally with my heart and not just my head scratch the surface of what it means to be chased and love struck for my heavenly bridegroom.

Something new: Video Blog!

A 10 min video blog, explaining some of what God's doing at the half way point of my Daniel Fast as well as how amazing beautiful he showed himself through Friday Night outreach tonight.

Day 5.

A little cheat: The section from my missionary support letter that details how the Daniel Fast is going so far. (Day 5). 


A few weeks ago a couple of us staff ended up in our apartment and decided to read through the book of Daniel. I read how when Daniel was petitioning the Lord, he went into fasting. He was specific in not letting wine, meat, or any pleasant food touch his lips as he on two separate (Daniel 1 & 10)  occasions And God heard him! While we were reading Daniel I really felt God impressing on my heart that I should do a 5 day Daniel fast. Fasting food but allowing fruits, veggies, and nuts as needed to sustain. I shut down that impression on my heart and told myself that was just me, probably it was even my flesh, "just trying to be super spiritual." But I continued to have an uneasiness in my spirit in the next couple days, something just wasn't right. I went back and forth with God about the fast. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to do it alone. God was telling me one thing and I was letting what my flesh wanted to do, what I wanted to do win out. And surely in this life as iron sharpens iron one of my best friends Sophie decided to fast something huge in her life for the month of August. Just laying down everything at the Lord's and running after Him with reckless abandon. And wouldn't you know my stubbornness and inner man which were already in disobedience by refusing to fast got offended?!  The evil desires in all of us to have our own way and hold onto our own comfort had been given so much room in my life that I was actually offended that someone I love deeply was chasing so boldly after the heart of God? The light that radiated from a heart completely surrendered to God shone light on my heart that was so stubbornly holding onto it's own desires. That was not a light I wanted shone on me! The next day or so I was on the IHOP website and saw that Mike Bickle had posted a new video of a sermon He gave at IHOP calling their staff and anyone in their spiritual family (This includes me!) to join in, you guessed it a Daniel Fast. But not five days like I'd originally heard, this time it was 21. I knew I needed to join this fast. I needed those selfish parts of my heart that so viciously hold onto their own ways to be silenced, I needed to contend, I want a new dose of His truth, His heart in mine. So I decided to go for it. Part of the fast also is pulling away for the 21 days, shutting down media that is not strictly ministry or Biblically related. I hadn't done that yet, I told myself I would ease into the fast since the first 4 days were rough. As my body detoxed I got horrible headaches and my emotions were all over the place. (I literally started crying because my Spotify wasn't working properly!) But even than yesterday as I was watching a video podcast I felt God telling me if was time to shut off my facebook for the rest of the fast and movies were out too. Five days into this fast (which ironically was the number of days I was originally supposed to do) I can feel my heart being tenderized to His heart, I'm losing interest for entertainment, yearning to get my jobs done so I can escape back into the word, or listen to another sermon. I've also seen old gifts and passions stirred up in my in this time, I'm spending more and more time being creative; drawing, writing, making things. I am seeing my heart make more and more room for His words as I move more and more earthly pleasures out of it. I'm more excited now for what this journey holds that I was when I began. 

21 Day Daniel Fast

Those of you who partner with me in prayer and support, if you have a chance please check out these notes from one of my spiritual "Papa's" in the faith, Mike Bickle from IHOP Kansas City. The IHOP community and family is going on a 21 Day Daniel Fast. Last week our family here spent an evening reading the book of Daniel together and ended up in a spontaneous time of prayer and confession. Since than I have felt God lay it on my heart to do a Daniel Fast to contend for breakthrough and a greater revelation of God's heart. I've been avoiding it in my flesh (who actually wants to fast?) but after listening to Mike's teaching from this weekend and spending time in worship this morning (Sophie asked us to set goals for what this week would look like if we are trying to live a life of worship) I felt that God was calling me into a deeper journey with him in the next 21 days.

So a short update because I wanted the tribe around me globally to be brought into this journey of prayer with me. The notes from Mike explain the details for those of you who want to know, you can email me with questions, specifics or comments. One of my goals for this week is also to spend more time in communication, journaling and reading.

Blessings.

http://mikebickle.org/resources/resource/3480?__utma=225447234.1347047549.1372983333.1372988785.1375700502.4&__utmb=225447234.2.9.1375700513356&__utmc=225447234&__utmx=-&__utmz=225447234.1372983333.1.1.utmcsr=(direct)|utmccn=(direct)|utmcmd=(none)&__utmv=-&__utmk=188167595

Mid-summer Update

Once again I find that life has continued a pace in which sitting down for the length of time it takes to blog is not often possible.

Since we last spoke I have returned to my beloved New Zealand at the end of May, where God almost immediately made His plans, which were quite different from mine known. I find myself in a place far, far from where I thought I'd be. The last few months have been full of change, tears, laughter, joy, success, failures, beauty, relationships, "Hellos," "Goodbyes," growth, prayer, Bible study, intercession, teaching and talking than I've had in a long time.


So what am I doing...
Through time, space, decision, and prayer I am not staffing this years Snowboarders Discipleship Training school as I had previously planned and assumed. God has different plans for me in this season and spending this season staffing our base in a variety of different roles that I am sure God has etched out just for me....A few of my favorites

Intercessor
Two of my weekdays are spent in large portion in our upstairs prayer room in prayer, intercession and worship. While I'm an "IHOP baby" at heart, I never assumed I'd ever end up in the prayer room full time. My heart, spark, and life's story is for discipleship and "doing" so learning to be quiet and submit my plan, my tasks and my busy-ness to draw away quietly and enter the Secret Place has been a journey. The first few weeks I would still bring my cell phone and my To-Do list into my quiet place and take far too many "five minute" breaks to pre-plan and arrange the rest of my weeks tasks and responsibilities and wonder why my time in the prayer room seemed like such a time suck??? Slowly and lovingly my Heavenly Father has romanced me into a a place in which I long for my time in the prayer room. It is nearly always empty when I'm in there and so I find a secret freedom in my heart to enter into new arenas of prayer and worship as I search out His heart and beseech Him on behalf of others. Now as the schedule has taken a flip or two with conflicts from other scheduling priorities if my time in the prayer room is shortened or missed my soul aches. God has begun to birth a place in my heart for the House of Prayer like I have not known.

Community Work Duties
While I am not school staff for the SDTS I still have roles in the school. One of those roles in coordinating our community work duties. Giving back and investing in the community around us is very important to us here so one of my jobs is making sure we do that on a weekly basis. It's my responsibility to spread out our staff and students around our property, our family off our base and places within our community to serve, fix, help, create, clean on Mondays.

Medical/First Aid
My passions alive! My ferociously caring, protection heart has found it's niche. Because of my training and experience I've been given the role of Medical/First Aid on our base. In this season that's looked a few different ways; helping dole out post-airplane cold remedies, leading our "Mtn. Safety" training, checking in on all the winter colds, only one hospital run thus far, a few nurse help line calls and bandaged many a bloody elbow and knee from our fearless snowboard boys.

Friday Night Outreach
Another place I have found myself thriving is in coordinating and leading out our Friday Night Outreaches, the ministry and evangelism times in the city. (Which is quickly turning into "Weekend Outreach" as our students leave an amazing impression and example on people and my contact information is shared with ministry leaders and churches in the city). I've loved being able to connect last season as I watched Susie lead out the Around the World schools outreaches. I feel so blessed to have been able to join them as often as I did and get a taste for the ministries they were a part of so that as a new season started I could help continue YWAM's presence through a new group of students. And let me tell you, these students are going for it! I feel like a proud Mama bear every time I get an email or text from a ministry I wasn't a part of telling how blessed they were to have our crew, what an amazing job they did or how evident God's love was in them.

Bible In Schools
In this coming season I will also be teaching a "Bible in Schools" curriculum in our local primary school. That's right everyone, shocking I'm sure but I've found God has brought me right back into the classroom. This time with Kindergartners! Here in New Zealand it is legal to teach Bible in the public schools. Through a series of seemingly random events I've been given the chance to teach one of these classes for the rest of the school year. I'll be going once a week into the Kindergarten class to teach Bible stories and Christian character. Sometimes God's plans are hilarious...

Homeschooling
For the next five weeks I will also be homeschooling a sweet little 7 year old. His parents are missionaries that I know from last year that are coming through Oxford to pack up their house and head to England to work missions with the Islamic community. While they are here their son will be in transition between school systems but will still need to be educated so that he is on pace to join his peers in school once they get to England so once again, I'm sure with a grin on His face God has arranged for me be educating children. I'm incredibly excited to be able to spend the bulk of my time with a kiddo. While I'm sure long days back in the routine of teaching will have it's share of difficulties, it's a welcome change of pace and adventure this winter.


Many times in the last few months I have been confused,  I thought I knew so clearly what God's plan was, but am realizing how often I've confused his perfect will for my own desires of what I think is right in the time or in my life. I'm learning so much about how God's ways are so much higher than our ways. (Not just like higher in that we can't reach them like we couldn't reach the cookie our older sibling held above our head as a kid) but higher in the ways in that His plans are just on a completely different plane of reality than ours. I've been reading through the Gospel of Luke lately. I'm finding solace in the way God's in ultimate control; as a woman I notice so many of the details in the relationship between Mary and Elizabeth. Both woman asked to carry babies in circumstances that are neither socially acceptable or even physically possible. (Elizabeth is barren and Mary is a virgin!) God's divine plan was to bring all creation into order through the birth of one; the other? The divine forerunner. I never noticed before how gentle and detail focused it was of God to give these women pregnancies within three months of each other; they lived with each other; one would talk and the other's baby would get fired up in the Spirit. I mean really, can you imagine the Holy Spirit party they four of them were having every day? And I just think, man that would be so hard. We have this plan for our lives, our realtionships and our futures and we think of the one plane of human reality but God has an infinite number of other realities we can't even comprehend. He can see and interact with past, present, future, time, space, sound, sight all at once. And the thing that has just been nailing me lately; (sometimes with tears of joy of how blessed I am, sometimes sorrow of how unworthy I am) is that in every single reality of His being He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS for us. We are always the draw, ache and pull of His heart. 

Praise Report: 
My insurance (mostly) came through and the bulk of my hospital bills have been paid! Thank you LORD for your insane amount of provision and protection!

Prayer Requests:
Bible in Schools and Homeschooling: God's wisdom and grace would be on me and pouring out of me as the majority of my days for the next many weeks will be spent with little ones who are so ready and willing to be loved and accepted by the Father.

Continued financial support and blessing.

Continued health and physical protection.

God's wisdom and guidance as we continue to journey on into the wildness of His extravagant love.

Staff hang out time after our Basic Leadership School on Tuesdays.

Gluten Free- Dairy Free Cupcakes Steph made for the 4th of July.

Sophie and I at our "All-Base Night Out." Last Crusaders game of the season, with a win they are headed to the play-offs.

Staff Girls in Christchurch for Stephanie Hanson's Bachelorette Party. 

Running Sunday School in Spreydon last week. 

Vacation time...

Here I am, sitting in the downstairs living room of my Mother's house. My Aunt came over for dinner a while ago and Izze convinced her Mom to let her practice her talent show dance number for me before bed. This morning I read books to Faith over coffee. Being in Minnesota has been a sweet and precious time with family.

For those of you who are not connected to my journey through facebook or instagram, a little over a week ago I flew home as a surprise to my family. I bought the ticket in March after weeks of prayer with a friend. It was important to be to be able to around for Mother's Day this year and to celebrate my niece Faith's first birthday. (It just turned out to be really good timing that I also needed medical insight after the long health battle in New Zealand).

So I left Oxford, two weeks ago on Friday after a few last precious New Zealand moments with "the trust tree" who drove me into the city well before sunrise. Thanks to the self control of friends and "family" in New Zealand who knew, I was able to surprise Mom, Abbi and Izze. (Jessi found out through a freenzied phone call from Ab..."Mandi's home!") I got to have my Mom all to myself on Mother's Day and we spent it driving through the cities, having fancy Italian pastas and wine and stocking me up on Minnesota coffees. While preparing for Faith's birthday party this past weekend I got to spend lots of one on one time with her while everyone else prepared. Lots of walks and attempts at cuddles. (She's a feisty, wild, happy little one year old). I've been to Mall of America, the Minneapolis Sculpture Gardens, met the sunrise on a run around my old loop, eaten Chipotle and had lots of Caribou and Dunn Bros coffee. I've been able to visit my Grandmother whose in the hospital and visit with cousins who are home from school.

While coming home on a surprise visit has had it's share of difficulties this has been exactly as I would imagine it to be. A great time of rest and rejuvenation with family. I had great plans of being able to go and do and meet with everyone and see all my friends but the biggest portion of my time has been spent just resting and enjoying my family, ending one season in my heart and preparing for another.

I've also gotten more insight on my health situation. The latest blood tests from NZ were sent to me and I sent them onto my doctor here in MN. My kidney and pancreas are testing totally normal and while my liver is still not testing as great as we would like it is still within normal boundaries for health. (Even if that is on the low side). This is hugely encouraging and makes the road back to full health a lot easier to bear knowing the major organs that were effected by this whole thing are doing well. As far as long term effects, the doctor said my immune system will probably always be weaker than we would have hoped. Going into a New Zealand winter I will probably get the flu once or twice and am much more likely to pick up the common cold or bug others have around me.  As far as allergies, we still do not know what it is that I am so majorly allergic to. My doctor here thinks it may just be such a severe bee allergy that living in bee country of Oxford, I could be breathing in pollen or bee parts. (Thank God it's winter soon and the cold temperatures will take care of that). Thankfully again she pointed out, my allergies respond well to the epi. At least, in emergency situations we know I will be ok. I'm still a lot more tired most days than I would like to be, my appetite comes and goes, it's clear it will take a while for me to be back to "normal" but we're well on the way. I've gone running, eaten at fun restaurants and been strong enough to read bedtime stories to my girls on plenty of nights. Considering where I was a few weeks ago, I am so blessed, so thankful and so keenly aware of how powerful God's healing has been.

So what does the future hold? On Saturday I will fly back to NZ to start staff training for this years Snowboard Discipleship training school. I'm finally getting excited for another school, another winter, another season now that I'm starting to feel better. It was so cool for me in this season to be able to watch Becky and Susie staff their second year, I got a glimpse into what second year staffing might hold for me. I know that it's going to be a new journey. I know that there will be challenges and successes and bumps in the road. I absolutely am so thankful that I've been in New Zealand since February. Although clearly that time has not always been easy it has always been a learning and a growing experience and I feel so much better equipped to staff again having been planted at the base, in community and family for so many months. Being able to have a front row seat to another school, another way of thinking, of doing things, of working. To fall in love with another staff, another group of students, to walk discipleship in a different format. I'm just in such a different head space than I was last year at this time, I understand my God and His expectations of me so differently than I did, I know myself so much better than I did.  I am so thankful, that although things were way different than I thought they would be God TOTALLY worked through my time there. Even the darkest nights of my health scares seem so worth it now when I consider what I learned, how I saw God's love displayed in others, how I watched myself grow.

Financially I'm still standing in a large amount of faith and admittedly a fair amount of fear of the unknown. We have filed all the claims with insurance and are waiting to hear if they will accept the claim and reimburse me fully. It's still very scary for me to head back to New Zealand, to the starting line of staffing the DTS with this huge bill and less monthly support that I had originally. The whole world is struggling financially and we all feel the weight of it. I still absolutely believe I am supposed to be in New Zealand, now more than ever. But I continue to pray and stand in faith that the insurance will go through and God will continue to raise up financial supporters around me. There is still a financial deficit from the money I had to come up with up front but as always God has made a way, I have been blessed. But as always if you feel led to support please check out my Paypal link up top on the right side of the home page of this blog.

Prayer requests as I finish up my time here in Minnesota:
That my time with family would be peaceful, restful, joyful and FUN! The memories I make with my precious nieces would last us a lifetime.
That my health would continue to improve at a rate that could only be credited to Christ.
That insurance claims would be accepted fully and reimbursed quickly.
Travel back to New Zealand would be quick, safe and blessed.
That with God's grace, wisdom and love I'd start this season with our new staff family team well and we would partner with Christ in preparing and planning an amazing SDTS!

And continued prayer for the AW80 teams that are in multiple Asian countries loving the darkness right out of these nations!

April Update (Details on my medical situation)

For the blogging world, I am sorry I have been silent for so long. I know many people have been checking this almost daily for details of the recent health crisis I've been facing that has been hinted at by mine, my Mother's and a few other's facebook statuses. What follows will be an edited version of the newsletter I sent out to my family and supporters, it includes many of the details of the journey through the hellish past few weeks, my climb back into recovery and my intense and critical need for support, prayer and finances right now. 

I truly seek to share with you all the amazing things God is doing in this place and in my heart as I near the end of my first season here at YWAM. I have learned much, grown a lot and experienced so much life in God's hands very recently I've had to learn a lot about humility, trust, and faith even when it hurts.

Two weeks ago I was at Donaldson's house with a few of our other staff when I started to have an anaphylactic reaction to something I ate at dinner. (We still do not know what that is). Within a matter of minutes I went from having some trouble breathing to be struggling to breathe, I had a rash and my tongue and lips had swollen. Kent, who'd been here last year when I had severe allergic reaction and Becky, (who was a nurse at Mayo and whose medical opinion I trust completely) were with me in the hallway. As someone whose had to deal with a fair share of epi pens, having to use it again was not something I wanted. It's incredibly painful, the side effects are rough and no matter what it's a serious remedy. Even on the pens the fourth direction after administering is "Call 911." But I took my cues from those two. Kent knew how painfull is for me, Becky knew when to make the call. When I realized Becky had tears in her eyes was when I got scared. As a nurse she knew more than we did of what was going on in the situation, as one of my closest friends, her tears meant something serious was going on. She finally made the call and held me while Kent used the pen. This brought enough relief to get me into the car and headed to the hospital. But within a few minutes on the road, breathing became almost impossible again and we had to use a second epi pen, this time Becky used it from the front seat while Susie held me in the back and Kent raced into the city.

We got to the 24 Hour Urgent Care clinic where they got me stabilized ( I was tachycardic from all the epi), and told me I would need to stay for 6 hours to be monitored in case any type of reaction started again as the epi wore off. My friends set up camp in the room and prepared to wait out the six hours. One would take turns holding me or rubbing my back while the other two would try to sleep or goof around trying to get me to laugh. It would be a rough night but we'd make it through it, together at least.

Three hours later a secondary reaction started and the Urgent Care doctors decided I need to be transferred to the ER. Susie road in the ambulance with me while Kent and Becky followed in the car to the hospital. After a few uneventful hours in the hospital they transferred me to observation and made my friends leave. My support system, the ones forcing me to laugh, reassuring me, reminding me of who I am and who I belong to were forced to walk away. 

After a few hours in observation I seemed to be having another secondary reaction so the Doctors administered immunosuppressive steroids to stop my body from trying to fight whatever allergen was in my system. At this points doctors definitely believed it was something I ate and my body would keep reacting to it without help until it passed through my system. Those were very painful hours and it seemed as though pain relief could not come soon enough. I had a massive headache from all the epi and trauma of the hours before. When we were driving home the next day is when I started vomiting, I assumed my system was just extra sensitive from being put through the ringer during the night.  

By midday Saturday my roommates decided after almost 14 hours of vomiting blood I needed to go back into the hospital. Susie and I drove back to the 24 Hour Urgent care and they examined me after a two and half hour wait in a crowded waiting room, dry heaving into a mop bucket. After running tests, they diagnosed my intense pain and nausea as appendicitis and I needed surgery. 

They again transferred me to the hospital and wrote up orders for surgery that evening. We got to the hospital and they admitted me at the SARA ward (pre-op). They said my symptoms were very much leaning towards appendicitis and they started blood tests, IV fluids and broad spectrum antibiotics. A few hours later I went down for the most painful ultrasound I've ever had to rule out any other organs since I have a history of kidney stones. The other organs were clear and so we were told again surgery would be that night or the next day. At this point because we knew literally any minute I could get bumped up the list and go into surgery we started calling and texting my Mom and close family and friends to get them praying and try to keep them in the loop. 

I am so immensely blessed my roommate and one of my closest friends, Susie who stayed by my side and held my hand, played with my hair, bugged my nurses through out the night for me and tried to keep my family and the base here updated. We layed in my hospital bed and tried watching movies on her laptop to keep my mind off of the pain while we waited for surgery. By very late that night they would take my support system away from me again and make Susie leave. They needed to move me to a different ward to await a CT scan in the morning after some of my blood results had made them question their original diagnosis of appendicitis. My oxygen stats were dropping so they put me on oxygen, pain killers, nausea meds, and antibiotics through the night. I knew I must've looked bad by Susie's face when she was allowed back in my room early the next day. You know that look you're closest friends have, that really quick look of shock before they put on the supporter hat and convince you everything is going to be ok? Becky and Kent came back a few hours later and around noon the next day they were able to do the CT scan and decided it was not appendicitis. In fact they couldn't really be sure what it was. They gave me a few guesses, decided I should eat and sent me home. In pain, disappointed, humiliated and scared. 

The next week I continued to vomit multiple times a day, the girls' made a makeshift bed on their floor so I'd be near someone if I woke during the night. Some days I was strong enough to go to meetings and talk with people, some days I couldn't get out of bed. New symptoms seemed to be cropping up almost daily, what doctors originally thought was a rash from whatever allergen I encountered turned into sores all over my neck and chest. I took a very painful shower one of the days to realize I had bleeding sores all over my scalp. One day a friend noticed my left ear bleeding and a small mass behind it. I was nauseated and dizzy almost constantly, by the weekend my balance was off and I'd often trip or need to grab someone or something to stand up straight, my hearing was off in some way I couldn't describe, friends around me told me I was starting to lose weight (which of course as a girl I didn't believe until I tried wearing something other than hospital sweats and hoodies. My clothes that were fitted a few weeks ago, hang loose today. 

This was one of the hardest weeks of my life. I was scared that doctors were telling me they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and didn't seem to care. My body was completely out of my control, and my YWAM reputation of being able to "tough it out" seemed to be failing me. There were days and times when I literally couldn't fathom the energy to move from my bed or even hold a smile long enough for a picture. Those of you who know me, would know this is not the Mandi you know. I was worried that without being able to work or minister here I was  quickly becoming a burden to those around me, especially Becky and Susie who constantly checked on me, comforted me, prayed for and with me. The  AW80 school that I have been around in this season, the staff and students who have stolen my heart and have blessed me to be a part of their family. They're preparing to go on outreach, to serve and change nations. I missed celebrating their continuous growth, life and miracles God is doing in and through them.  My heart broke that I couldn't help my amazing roommates, as the time before they all leave for outreach gets closer and closer.  Even seeing my "little brother" and co-staff from last year Stephen arrive could only be greeted with a weak hug and short conversation from my bed. I couldn't text or email the people who so desperately deserved updates because looking at a screen or trying to keep my hands steady enough to type was too painful. By midweek I reverted to using a walkie talkie feature on my phone to let people at home know how I was. My Mom was a continued source of strength for me, sending prayers as often as she could, staying strong for my on the phone, (until as she self professed that last phone call when she just couldn't do it anymore and started weeping on the phone with me). 

One of the hardest parts of that week was getting the email bill from the hospital stay. I was assuming it would sting but be tolerable, like last years $700 hospital bill. Insurance would cover it and in about two months of running through hoops of getting the check to someone in the states and finding a way into my account, etc. later I would have most of that money back (or that's how it went last year). This would be incredibly stretching, scary and inconvenient as the Snowboard school I'm staffing is starting soon and I need to be able to pay my staff fees, even if the insurance will reimburse most of it, it will be many weeks too late. I had hopes of blessing a dear friend on her birthday before heading out for outreach, and starting off the snowboard school is a decent place financially (for a missionary after all). This was when I assumed the bill would be many hundreds of dollars. My heart nearly stopped when I opened the bill $5500! I was speechless because I could not even fathom having that much money to pay up front, hoping insurance will accept the whole claim and reimburse me. I couldn't imagine being in debt for years to this country, I couldn't and still can't imagine what will happen if insurance does not accept the claim. My hands shook and tears ran down my face as I realized I was holding a bill well over five thousand dollars and I was still the sickest I've ever been in my life. I was holding a bill that huge and they still didn't know what was wrong with me. 

I need to be humiliating honest and vulnerable right now. Being in this community our answer is always (as it should be) "Don't worry, trust in God", "Your Father God owns everything, $5000 is nothing for him!", "He has more than enough for you, don't worry." Especially when you have someone who is incredibly ill, I completely understood why those around me were telling me this anytime the bill or insurance would come up. It was much more important for me to rest and try to get better than to worry and stress about what felt like an impossible amount of money. While I knew they trusted those words, I think that's also the only thing the community around me knew how to say, we're all missionaries and any way you look at it, almost $6000 is a lot of money! While I know I am loved and understood, in the back of my mind I knew, "I have been down this road before."  

Most of you know that I was in the hospital when I was nineteen years old for a little over a week.  In this time whether intentional or not I was bumped from my Dad's insurance (although legally I should have been on it) and months later received a $15,000 hospital bill. As a teenager I had no clue how to deal with it. I asked a few people and assumed the hospital would track down my Dad, get my insurance information and it would be ok. It wasn't and at twenty three I was sued by the hospital. Having that big ugly blemish on my credit report has followed me even until now. For years I would take home less than 75% of what I made because of garnishments. For the foreseeable future I won't ever be able to be approved for a a credit card or a loan. I have had a big medical bill like this before and as far as financially it has ruined my life. I don't want to illicit false sympathy here. Being in the hospital when I was a teenager was a consequence to wrong choices I made while dealing with depression and being far from God. It was my fault. I know I have found new life and freedom from the person I was than but have carried the debt, lawsuit and credit issues as a badge of shame even unto now. I am still paying for embarrassing mistakes I made as a teenager. All of the guilt, shame and fear that I've struggled with comes flooding back as I held another seemingly impossible bill in a country where I'm away from family, and an ability to work or make money, and a huge fear of asking anyone else to help. Struggling to trust that I've been forgiven and made new from that part of my life, that this was not, "my fault."

  My family at home asked me to pray about leaving New Zealand and seeking care in the States. That they loved and supported me, that they knew I would follow God's voice in my heart either way but they were ready to receive me home if my health continued to decline. I had a few friends pray with me seeking answers from God if I should be released to go home and although it was incredibly hard we all still felt as though I should stay at this point. I was surrounded by love and prayer but my heart still felt like it was breaking. How much even as an adult I wished to be with my Mama, how much the pictures and videos of my nieces overwhelmed me, as letters and cards, chocolates and juices, got secretly left in my room here. I was overwhelmed by the pain going on in my body but just as overwhelmed at the emotion of the love and support I had. For this I am eternally grateful. 

But by that weekend even if we had heard otherwise from God, it would take a miracle. It became very clear, I was not healthy or safe enough to fly home alone. By the end of the week those closest to me started talking about whether I should go back in again to the hospital. And by Monday evening when I started vomiting blood again we decided it was time. Those around me laid hands on me and prayed as one of my leaders prepared a car for us. I was overwhelmed, both in pain and emotion. I was scared that they again wouldn't be able to find what was wrong with me, that I would feel stupid that as far as they were concerned there was no reason for me to be sick, painful tests and huge bills. I was coming to the end of myself. 

We got to the 24 Hour Urgent Care within a few hours. The doctor there refused to run anymore tests as he had the results from the blood tests at the hospital a week early. He looked at the results and at me and basically said there was nothing wrong with me, here's another $100 prescription for more drugs and sent us on our way.  I couldn't even cry at this point, we drove home quietly and I climbed into my bed. I prayed alone, wondering how much more I could take before I gave up. I feared the fight being sucked out of me. I'm not proud of how deep my fear and despair grew in that time.  I have lived enough of life to know my God is faithful. But I spent many dark nights in my room alone, yelling at God, crying out to him. Why? Why me? Why did I have to go through this? What did I do wrong? Why did I feel so alone? So weak? So small? Where was my God? Where was the God I felt like I'd come so far to serve? To listen to? To obey? Where are you now God? Where are you when I feel like my body is falling apart and everyone who should have the answers says there are none? 

The next day (last Tuesday) I feel was the spiritual breaking point.I still felt incredibly weak and sick but something in my heart, something I can't explain was just a little different. My base here prayed for me twice in all staff meetings, and I heard of many friends raising the call to friends and churches in their homes to please start praying for me. We needed answers. One of my leaders Kim took me to a GP at a different clinic that our base has a relationship with. The doctor we meant to see was overseas and so we saw another woman who poured over every document we have from the hospitals and urgent cares. She asked more questions that all of the other medical trips put together and immediately started running new tests. She explained some of the in's and out's of New Zealand health care and committed to finding out what was wrong with me. After the first test and taking my blood pressure she decided my body was in dangerous enough place that I needed to once again be transferred to hospital. As far as she could see I had a kidney infection, dangerously low blood pressure and was very dehydrated. I called my Mom as we drove to the hospital and we all finally lost it. Weeping on the phone, I knew this was the last straw. We had to have answers this time. They had to have some ray of hope for me, for my family here and at home, for this tribe around me. 

At the hospital to attempt to shorten a very long story they ran more tests. And after all was said and done it was realized it was the hospital that had made me sick... It was clear that I did have an infection. While they were not cause for serious alarm at this point my liver had become inflammed, while one test showed my pancreas to be fine, another showed it was not quite functioning as well as it should be, the same with my kidneys. We will have additional blood tests next week to be sure they are fine but they were in chaos because of the combination of immune suppresive meds followed days later by strong broad spectrum antibiotics. My body had nothing left in it to fight the antibiotics so it started to fight the healthy parts of me. The internal organs, my sores, the bleeding in my ears and on my head could all be credited to that. As well as the narcotics they gave me for pain being way too strong and uncontrolled so that they had almost paralyzed part of my digestive system which was making me very sick. The vomiting and nausea could be credited to any of it. The bleeding because I'd been being sick for so many days so violently I had torn my esophagus in multiple places. Finally we had answers!!

While those around me could see even that day the relief, I knew it would be a long road. While it's very disappointing to know it was negligence on the hospitals part that I was so sick, that I have to pay for their mistakes both financially and physically. The relief of knowing this isn't something that is dangerously wrong with me, it's not something we have to worry about coming back, it's not going to stay with me for life. Although the road to recovery may be long and slow it has started. 

Now I am on antibiotics for the infection and am trying to start easing off nausea pills. Very, very slowly starting to eat again. I keep telling myself one step forward, two steps back still eventually gets me to the finish line. While vomiting is substantially less then it was, it is still a daily occurance while I try to introduce food back into my life. Daily my color improves and I can spend more time on my feet and interacting with people before I need to go rest. I am slowly starting to feel like myself again. 

I remember very clearly (http://tonarnia.blogspot.co.nz/2012/08/long-awaited-and-overdue.html) last year going through major medical trauma with one of my small group girls, and now one of my best friends, Sophie. She shattered her arm while we were snowboarding out of town last year and had a few horrendous days in hospital and surgery. I remember seeing within days a change in her countenance and face. And when she had time to process all she had gone through and give words to it. She would speak about this change we could all see in her, she said in being forced to be so small while being hurt and helpless in her recovery she learned how big and how faithful her God is. I loved her heart and the humility in which she walked that out. This furious passionate faith being lived out in a girl completely satisfied to be small in her Papa's arms. No matter what is said or done to or about Sophie, my little peanut of a girl is happy to be just that, small and utterly helpless without her Jesus. We've talked about it often, what an awful experience it was but how much good has come out of it. Her and I have talked about what I've experienced that in the last few weeks. I've realized God can handle my doubts, God can handle the darkest nights of my soul, God's love does not change for me whether I am well and standing somewhere preaching or I'm a sick crumpled ball on the bathroom floor. God is all powerful creator, I am the created. He is the all powerful, I am to be the faithful. 

I am at a loss for words for how thankful I am for the people who have walked this road with me. There have been SO many, Kent, Kim, Steph, Karen and Cindy, Dave and Christine and those at home, Mom, Sophie, Alex but specifically the students of the AW80 school who were praying for me daily, talking to my through my window, leaving treats in my room, making me hot drinks, gently hugging me whenever they would see me, including me in everything they possibly can, writing, calling and texting home to have their families, friends and churches to join in the war of prayer that was going on. And of course my beautiful roommates, Susie and Becky. We call ourselves "trust tree" this triangle of three midwest girls who've somehow been thrown together in this little town in New Zealand. Becky and Susie are AW staff who've claimed me into a little triangle of trust, relationship  honor, laughter, passion, protection, grace, and love. They have walked this road with me without condition. They have held my hands during painful tests, slept in hospital beds and on floors with me, laughed after I've thrown up because it's the only thing left to do, praying and talking through the door while I'm sick, reassured me I have value, I'm beautiful and loved. Even before I was sick this relationship was of utmost value to me as I've learned so much through and with these girls. Please pray immense blessing on them as they prepare to lead teams into the nations in two weeks when they head off on outreach. I am heart broken to see them leave soon, I'll have tears as they take off but I'll cheer as they fly.

I'm not completely recovered yet but I am getting there. Slowly but surely my strength is coming back, big victories and small failures in getting healthy. Hopefully this week I will very slowly be able to rejoin some of my teams and responsibilities here. I had a goal of being able to go to Love Feast this week, a celebration of love in this season. With the girls' help I was able to get dressed up and get my hair done and sit through their dinner. I am so thankful and grateful I was there. 

Our Trust Tree: Becky, Susie and I. The girls who've walked this road with me.

And obviously there is a huge financial need right now. I have the original $5500 bill from the hospital. Along with around $500 in bills from Urgent Care, $100 for the ambulance (which we were told would not cost us anything when we tried to refuse it), $300 in prescriptions (half of which I have now been told not to take), $70 for the appointment with the GP, $100 in traveling costs and we're guessing another $1000 or so for the last hospital stay. We are hoping and praying my insurance will cover most of this. We are not able to file the claim right now because we are still waiting on the last hospital bill. We have to file everything from one event at the same time. We're praying insurance company and hospital has mercy on me. I am supposed to pay all of this upfront and insurance will ideally reimburse me. (Last year this took two months and chaos of sending the check to someone in MN to deposit in to their account and PayPal to me who'd left for Malaysia at that point). In whatever scenario turns out, the truth is I need a lot of support and many, many miracles. I need almost $7000 right now. I need $10 right now. I need $100 right now. I need $1000 dollars right now. This is the part of being a missionary that always makes my stomach get all knotty. Asking for money from people. But please from the bottom of me I'm asking would consider praying about helping me in this time. 

Please pray if there is any amount you could use to support me paying these medical bills?

Helping to pay my staff fees which are due very quickly, and support me staying here, sowing into the Kingdom through me?

Support me staying here in New Zealand to invest into this AW80 school that has made me a part of their family, given so much to me in their last few weeks here? 

Would you support me pouring into the next generation of snowboarders who sooner than we know it will be here? 

Would you pray about sowing into me seeing one of my small group girls from last year, not be "my" small group charge anymore but one of my co-staff and lead with her? Literally watching the seeds of change and freedom I fought for in her life come to life before my eyes? 

Would you pray about sowing into what I believe is the call of God on my life and heart:  to bring his Freedom and Truth into the hearts of nations being released from this place, my second home in Oxford, New Zealand?

And finally... would you please consider supporting more of those "dark nights" of my soul when I struggle and wrestle with God, when it hurts to trust and grow but ultimately brings greater freedom and faith in my life? Drawing me closer in to His heart and love? 

If you feel so lead as to help me the quickest and easiest way would be to send money online through the PayPal link at the top of this blog, on the right side. Any money that comes through there can be in my checking account within days.

Thank you for reading, for loving me, for supporting me, for praying for me. I know I literally could not have made it through these last few weeks without the prayers and support of people all over the world. Thank you! Thank you for supporting my family in this time of hardship being so far from each other, thank you for your concern and facebook posts, thank you for praying about supporting me financially. May you be blessed 100 fold! 

This has been incredibly hard, scary experience but also a huge place of growth and new vision in my life. While this is not anywhere close to what I would like to be as a transition between seasons in my life, it has been a marker of my time here. The journey of this year, the growth of my heart. I know that I have not fully processed all that God has for me through this journey, that insight is coming slowly but surly as I grow stronger and understand more of who my Father is. It hasn't been a fun or easy time but I can say I don't regret it happening. I know my Father has good plans for me and a perfect purpose in all things. 

Thank you for hearing my heart. Thank you for your support.

Please feel free to copy and share this newsletter with whomever you believe could help or support or be blessed by my journey. 

Even missionaries have bad days.

Sometimes I struggle with blogging...and keeping people's view of the fish bowl visible.

I often struggle to write because I don't have any new photos of me holding orphans or feeding thousands. I don't have any stories of preaching on a street corner or holding revival services anywhere in New Zealand. I often forget to take photos of improv worship services at the look out, late night prayer with my roommates, and it would be inappropriate to try and photo document relationships growing through conversation and experience  It's hard to ask for financial support when you can't send home billeted lists of all the ministries you're a part of and all the massive signs and miracles that follow your every move. It's hard to verbalize God moving in your heart and speaking new identity over your life let alone write home about it.

I don't have a nice outline or a crazy supernatural testimony. I know God's moving, I know He has spoke a clear word over my life and I'm loving experiencing new facets of His character but I'm human and days come like this week and everyone else where I wonder, "What the heck am I doing here?" I find myself asking God sometimes, "Of all the places in the world, did you really mean to bring me to the one farthest from home?" "Do you really see me here? Do you hear me here?" And maybe the biggest question this week, "Is my meager offering to your heart enough?"

Even missionaries have hard weeks. But I hear people want to know I'm still alive.
I'm still alive.
(I could use a lot of prayer, quite a bit of money and an email or two :)
But I'm alive and kicking!
I'm still learning lots, I'm still loving experiencing more and more God's heart and listening carefully for what He's call is. Some people say there are the mountain top times and there are the desert times when everything seems quiet and faraway. But people want to know you go through both, that God's good in both. That God moves in both. And even if right now is a desert time, I know He's still got it all in His grasp.

And He's a really good Daddy.

Faith, Fear and Financies

My dear sweet Faithy Lou learned to walk this week.  (Check out my Facebook for the video.)So very much our Faith, laughing and smiling the whole way. No fear, no regret, no half in, half out. If she's going to go for it, she's going to go for it all.

I'm attempting to be more like my ten month old niece...

I recently made a big decision to do something pretty big in faith. I'd been praying about the decision for weeks and felt that I had heard God clearly point me in a certain direction. I continued to pray about that choice, asking for timing and direction. During a quiet time with the Lord about a week later I felt like He said move. Do it! So I quickly found two people I trust a lot (one with me in community now and one supporting me in the States) and both confirmed implicitly what I believe God was telling me, DO IT!

I decided to walk in faith, vulnerability and honesty in asking others to help me with a "project" of sorts. I sent out a lot of emails, messages and texts. Explaining my heart, my desires and my journey the last few weeks. Seeking support and encouragement. Went to bed that night on the top of my little mountain of faith.

And woke up the next morning...to nothing. There was no magical money tree growing in my room, there was no massive anonymous box or envelope, there was not even an email. And without even wanting to I began to doubt my choice, did I make the right one? Did I ask the right people for help and prayer? Did I do something wrong? Could I have been better? Am I doing a good job? Until I was nearing a place of doubting my purpose in that choice. And I found myself asking the most important question, what happened to all the confidence you had last night?

There is a quote from a movie coming out soon where a father is explaining survival to his son,

"Everyday will be a fight for our lives. For you to make it you must know a few things. First, fear is not real. Danger, danger is very real but fear? Fear is a figment of your imagination."

I love that. What is real in this current situation? Do I trust my God and the word He spoke to me? Do I trust that God can speak to me just as loudly as to others around me? Do I trust that my God is above all else, a faithful provider? I do. I very much do. There is nothing about my life here that I can do within my own strength. There is nothing I can do in my own power. Trusting my God with my whole life takes a lot of faith. And in Him, there is no room for fear. Learning to walk in that, takes a lot of faith...

+++++++++++++++++++++
I am currently in need of financial support and help. This is an incredibly humbling task, raising support. One of the things I believed God has called me to do recently was to give money to someone else. This is one of the scariest things I've done because in this life, I don't have a paycheck. My money, as ridiculous as this sounds is very precious to me. I would like to think I'm a generous person, with my "stuff" my belongings, my time, my prayers, my conversation. But with my money, nope. Not in the past. Even if I'm not spending it, it's comforting knowing it's there. That when next months bills are due, I have it. It's there, I can pay my staff fees on time, I've got a little extra to bless a friend with coffee or a treat. I've been excited as I've been here to be able to burn off some areas of my life that needed to go, and in that space I've really deepened my personal relationship with the Lord in a way that I am confidant hearing His voice. Confidant but not comfortable when He asked me to give. I spent a long time reminding Him that I'm a missionary. I felt the need to remind Him that I'm not "working" for a paycheck right now and I don't know the next time I will. I also felt the need to remind Him how uncomfortable and humbling it is to have to ask for money. I spent a long time reminding the master and creator of the universe all the things I think He may have forgotten. (Ya, me the human). And still ever so gently He would tell me, "Mandi, you need to give that away. Hun, you need to give that away. Manders, it's not yours. Give that away." And so I did, with fear, in-trepidation and I'll admit even dragging my spiritual little feet a bit. (A little slack...it's my first time). And similar to the previous story, the next time was still a day. There was no intense reward multiplied ten times. My checking account was just quite a bit smaller. And fear tried to trickle in again as I began to think of God's word for the first story and the second. How are these two things going to match up God? I believe you've spoken but in my humanity I don't see how things are going to work. But I believe His words. I believe He's quiet voice to my heart that my obedience will be rewarded. That He is faithful. That He's a good Father who owns all the money in the world. He'll make sure it gets where it needs to go. And so I stand, on my way to a going away party, to send a friend off on a new adventure marked by amazing signs of God's faithfulness. Knowing and trusting, He loves me and my time is coming. He is a good Father who loves giving good gifts to His children.