I'm attempting to be more like my ten month old niece...
I recently made a big decision to do something pretty big in faith. I'd been praying about the decision for weeks and felt that I had heard God clearly point me in a certain direction. I continued to pray about that choice, asking for timing and direction. During a quiet time with the Lord about a week later I felt like He said move. Do it! So I quickly found two people I trust a lot (one with me in community now and one supporting me in the States) and both confirmed implicitly what I believe God was telling me, DO IT!
I decided to walk in faith, vulnerability and honesty in asking others to help me with a "project" of sorts. I sent out a lot of emails, messages and texts. Explaining my heart, my desires and my journey the last few weeks. Seeking support and encouragement. Went to bed that night on the top of my little mountain of faith.
And woke up the next morning...to nothing. There was no magical money tree growing in my room, there was no massive anonymous box or envelope, there was not even an email. And without even wanting to I began to doubt my choice, did I make the right one? Did I ask the right people for help and prayer? Did I do something wrong? Could I have been better? Am I doing a good job? Until I was nearing a place of doubting my purpose in that choice. And I found myself asking the most important question, what happened to all the confidence you had last night?
There is a quote from a movie coming out soon where a father is explaining survival to his son,
"Everyday will be a fight for our lives. For you to make it you must know a few things. First, fear is not real. Danger, danger is very real but fear? Fear is a figment of your imagination."
I love that. What is real in this current situation? Do I trust my God and the word He spoke to me? Do I trust that God can speak to me just as loudly as to others around me? Do I trust that my God is above all else, a faithful provider? I do. I very much do. There is nothing about my life here that I can do within my own strength. There is nothing I can do in my own power. Trusting my God with my whole life takes a lot of faith. And in Him, there is no room for fear. Learning to walk in that, takes a lot of faith...
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I am currently in need of financial support and help. This is an incredibly humbling task, raising support. One of the things I believed God has called me to do recently was to give money to someone else. This is one of the scariest things I've done because in this life, I don't have a paycheck. My money, as ridiculous as this sounds is very precious to me. I would like to think I'm a generous person, with my "stuff" my belongings, my time, my prayers, my conversation. But with my money, nope. Not in the past. Even if I'm not spending it, it's comforting knowing it's there. That when next months bills are due, I have it. It's there, I can pay my staff fees on time, I've got a little extra to bless a friend with coffee or a treat. I've been excited as I've been here to be able to burn off some areas of my life that needed to go, and in that space I've really deepened my personal relationship with the Lord in a way that I am confidant hearing His voice. Confidant but not comfortable when He asked me to give. I spent a long time reminding Him that I'm a missionary. I felt the need to remind Him that I'm not "working" for a paycheck right now and I don't know the next time I will. I also felt the need to remind Him how uncomfortable and humbling it is to have to ask for money. I spent a long time reminding the master and creator of the universe all the things I think He may have forgotten. (Ya, me the human). And still ever so gently He would tell me, "Mandi, you need to give that away. Hun, you need to give that away. Manders, it's not yours. Give that away." And so I did, with fear, in-trepidation and I'll admit even dragging my spiritual little feet a bit. (A little slack...it's my first time). And similar to the previous story, the next time was still a day. There was no intense reward multiplied ten times. My checking account was just quite a bit smaller. And fear tried to trickle in again as I began to think of God's word for the first story and the second. How are these two things going to match up God? I believe you've spoken but in my humanity I don't see how things are going to work. But I believe His words. I believe He's quiet voice to my heart that my obedience will be rewarded. That He is faithful. That He's a good Father who owns all the money in the world. He'll make sure it gets where it needs to go. And so I stand, on my way to a going away party, to send a friend off on a new adventure marked by amazing signs of God's faithfulness. Knowing and trusting, He loves me and my time is coming. He is a good Father who loves giving good gifts to His children.
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