I love the new(ish) song by Aaron Shust on Christian radio. (As a almost 27 year old I realize I must be the only person in my generation who still listens to Christian radio). The songs goes,
"My hope is in you Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or by storm."
When I first heard this song I definitely clung to the power of hope. My hope is in my God all day long. There is something powerful about declaring where my hope is, even when things feel hopeless. I think I've posted it as a facebook status once or twice and have probably many more times risked my niece's ear drums while blasting it in the car. But recently (as recently as this morning when I downloaded it on my fancy new smart phone while on the treadmill) I've found myself locked on the phrase, "I won't be shaken by drought..."
I think as Christians we are prepared to seek our hope in the storm. We are prepared (in some instances) to set that jaw, plant those feet, raise those fists and fight. I realize that most storms come without warning but they are quickly identified. Take a real meteorological storm; it's sometimes easy to miss the rain. We may be inside a building, busy working, running around not looking out windows. Sometimes the beginning of the storm is easy to miss but let's be honest by the time the rain is pounding even if you're inside in a window-less room you'll hear the drops on the roof. By the time thunder and lighting come it's so obvious that you're in the middle of a storm you're prepared with an umbrella, a hood, or a plan B for your day. Right?
But what about a drought? Don't most droughts start out as a sunny day? A sunny, hot week. Weeks? At what point does a nice stretch of weather become damaging? When does too much of a good thing start effecting plants and grass? How long before the warmth of a sunny day starts to suck the life out of plant life around it? How long after that before the dryness becomes a danger, when crops start to die, water bans start, recreational fires are banned of risk of forest fire? When does too much of a good thing become a danger? (This happens a lot in Minnesota. Even in the suburbs we'll get random tumble weeds whipping through the neighborhoods).
My question is, when do we stop enjoying the hot weather and start preparing for a drought? They come as surprises don't they? While we appreciate not having to deal with storms at least they are obvious. These droughts are tricky, sneaky little buggers who can disguise themselves as a good thing for a long time.
I've found myself in a spiritual drought I think. I'm an emotional person, everyone who knows me personally and intimately will agree wholeheartedly with me on that. And while it can and has definitely wrecked havoc at times in my life as I've grown up I've started to appreciate that God has designed me as someone who feels emotion deeply and expresses it freely. I think part of my spiritual drought is that I have not had an spiritually emotional moment in a long time. I've had emotional moments recently. My sister is into her third trimester of her first pregnancy and finally has a little belly bump as my new niece has started stretching out. The excitement I feel when I lay my hands on her belly and day dream about a few months from now is sometimes hard to explain. I was in a car accident a week or two ago that turned out to be almost completely damage free but the reality of what "could've happened" shook me up for days. (And still has me driving 50 down the highway). A non-believing friend lashed out at me for a mistake I didn't realize I had made and I cried. I've been unintentional hurt by co-workers sarcasm, busyness. I've been excited to see an email to open it and get another "wait." I've been overjoyed to spend an extended weekend with my favorite girls. I've had lots of emotions in the last month but when I'm speaking of a spiritually emotional moment I'm speaking about meeting with God. I have not met with Him on an emotional level for a long time. This is new ground for me. Connecting with God emotionally is my normal mode of operation in relationship with him. Places like YWAM, IHOP, retreats, worship nights, intimate prayer, deep conversations with close friends almost always trigger an emotional and spiritual response that causes some type of movement in my walk with Christ.
Many different circumstances have kept these moments from happening lately. I didn't go to the onething conference this New Years, I've been working two jobs, am back in school on a certificate level, last fall I stepped down from a leadership role in the Jr. High ministry at my church and last Spring my leadership role in our Young adults group was dissolved through change in programming. Basically in some way, shape or form most of my normal emotional triggers have been removed from my life. This has caused two major changes in my life. Around New Years (the last emotional catalyst I can remember) a shift in my thinking happened towards a more mental way of functioning. I've realized that on a normal day I've started thinking more with my head and less with my heart. (At this point I'm not making a statement as to whether I think that is good or bad I'm just realizing that it's different). Another change is than very spiritual. My normal way of functioning has changed and so has my spiritual way of functioning. Because I have become so busy (at least until the end of the snowboarding season) I have had to become very intentional about my time and become incredibly intentional about seeking out time to meet with God since I am only participating in a corporate worship time once a week. (Which seems like next to nothing for someone like me). And so long story short I'm realizing I can't create an emotional moment between God and I. Which is both disheartening because quite frankly sometimes I really enjoy a good cry at the feet of Jesus. It's like a spiritual shot of speed. It's a big moment in a small amount of time that can keep me "high" for a while. But interesting to me because while I can't get my little "highs" as I often I feel like in some regards I'm growing in authenticity with Him. I'm not willing to fake it because I want to feel it.
And so I find myself here, in what feels like a drought. While my life does feel very frustrating at the moment. I feel like I'm in limbo in both career paths, home life and financially. At the risk of sounding super ignorant, I almost feel like a refugee. I want to go home, to my normal way of functioning, my normal way of processing, of living. But because of circumstance, many of which of completely out of my control I can't. For the moment I'm here. And it is starting to feel like a very dry place. I'm used to being passionate about everything I see and do and am a part of. I'm used to being in relationships that shake me up and push me. (I have them but because of my schedule I can't really participate in them fully right now). I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting under a yellow sky, on dry, broken grass with those big, ugly out of place tumble weeds rolling around.
Last week with tax return money I bought a Nook Tablet. (On the promise that my parent's were going to pay for part of it as a birthday present). And while looking back I should have saved the money and put it towards bills and debt I made a choice and now I'm living with it. I don't know if it's the newness of it still or not but I've been reading a lot. A lot. Like a book a day a lot. I'm almost done with Shelly Hudley's book "A Cry For Justice." I remember hearing her a few years ago at IHOP give no more than a 10 minute testimony that nearly knocked me to the floor because of how similar it was to my own. When I heard this year she had written a book I knew at some point I wanted to read it so the Nook seemed like a good excuse. (Buying the Nook was an excuse too. I need to work on those...) The main theme of the book is obviously justice and it has opened my eyes and heart to God's role of judge and his promise to pour out justice for us in ways that I have never, ever realized. It has I think started a huge, healing work in my heart but the part that stuck out to me this weekend was loving the heart of Jesus even when we don't feel it. Loving Jesus even when our healing still did not come today. Loving Jesus even when the answer was still no (or even worse not even getting an answer). Loving Jesus even when the day has been dull and dry. Loving Jesus, speaking his truth back to Him even when our hearts feel starved, dry and empty. The importance of loving Jesus even when we feel absolutely nothing in our hearts because he feels everything! Even when our hearts feel nothing, coming to Jesus in love moves His heart. I think that may be one of the most powerful things we can do as the Bride. Loving Jesus in our heads, speaking it with our mouths, believing it in our hearts even if we feel nothing.
Even in the middle of a drought....
