Well I finished. My official time was 1:57:52. Two full minutes under goal time. There is more of a story to it and if I cared enough I would maybe spend the time it needs to write it like an adventure. I cried at the finish line and the last five minutes of the race are burned into my memory forever, some day that first race will prove to have taught me something and when it's valuable I will tell the story.
But for now there is something more important. My God and what it feels like to me to walk away from him. Months ago I found myself in what I later recanted as an undue fear. I spent many months of my summer and early fall sucking the life out of most moments, feeling everything deeply, laughing loudly, crying hard and depositing everything into my heart and mind as a time in my life like I have not known. I lived for the moment, confidant to stay there and enjoy it as it came. As dark came earlier in my days, a familiar and evil poison began to fill the hallways in my home and in my heart. I closed my ears and the eyes of my heart. Transitioning into a new job where my skin must get thicker and thicker everyday I find every excuse to block out my heart and my mind from the sweet, small voice of the one who offers me REAL life.
I find an uncaring discontentment amidst what can only be called peace in most areas of my life. Nothing makes me happy, fear creeps in places where it does not belong, areas of anger and depression creep up in the most inconvenient places and choke out the joy and the life of my days.
Where someone that I love has named their current journey rebellion, I don't know what to call mine other than defeat. I find fear in the ways that He no longer offers contentment and joy. He does not bring smiles or raise hands. I struggle to find ways to make myself beneficial, worth-while, beautiful without Him but I come up empty. I struggle; without Him I can't love and you can't love me. Without Him, I really have nothing left.
Why would I want to live like this? I don't think I do anymore. This morning I could not sleep so I finally pulled myself out of bed an hour before the alarm and did my morning routine leaving me with plenty of time to sit in front of the fire and read with a cup of coffee. Not that I'm reading anything that will effect eternity but it was better in my mind than facebook. I decided I'd try to make some small change so I turned the radio on and away from the radio station it's found itself on lately. I curled into my corner with the dog and tried reading. But I couldn't' fully commit my mind to the words, it kept straying to the music, the words, the comfort of songs I've known, heard, sang, cried, laughed, danced to for the past 25 years. I was aware of a very real pain creeping in the underside of my stomach as I let His worship wash over me. Where I could've given over to it, allowed myself to crumple in a pile or tears and sobs and begging and repenting and rending, I didn't. I stopped for a while, I put my book down and came here to try to get it all out. I don't know if I won't give over to it because I know that I have to be to work soon and having to redo my makeup and outfit and clean up after myself would be impossible, I don't know if I held back because I really am livingg in the rebellion that I see, I don't know if I won't give myself over to Him because I'm scared that I've walked to far and His love can't reach me. I don't know why I couldn't give myself over to Him today but I suppose that feeling His touch in my heart and the distraction is was to trying to read, the pain in knowing and admitting that I've walked away from the fold of His heart, I suppose that would be the first small ray of heat to the frost that has chilled my heart.
I have known this place before. In 2007 I found myself in a place of apathy in my relationship with Him. I knew if something did not change the frost would turn to ice and I would never break free. If something didn't shake me in 2007, I knew my life would never change. For me, in 2007 it was YWAM and leaving and having to find myself and my own journey. (On which and of which I failed miserably). I will be honest when I say I don't want to do something like that again, I don't want to leave, nor do I honestly believe it's something God would call me to again. (But lets me honest, I'm not really in a listening and doing mood am I?) I've struggled a lot this year in how I view life and relationships. I went from being and allowing myself to be affected by everyone I am in relationship with and thinking that was how life was meant to be lived out; intense and with a lot of emotion. Bouncy, bubbly, busy I ran from thing to thing to thing to keep my mind busy and my heart from experiencing my dissatisfaction and pain with where I find myself on this side of 25. At some point in the summer I hit a wall or a turning point or some major change and found myself adopting the principal that life is all one big game, to survive play smart and play hard but play and be in control. I pulled myself out of most friendships that I had and had worked hard to maintain to take time to invest in the ones that I was absolutely sure about, I took time to transition well into a new job, a new season, an attempt at dealing with the pain of school and debt, long distance relationships and major changes in long and accepted ways of life for me. I have spent time re-prioritizing my time, my relationships, the things in life that I deem important. I have spent countless hours, days and sleepless nights trying to restrain, regain, and control my heart and mind and the things that effect it. I've tried my hand at making my own decisions and trying new things. I don't know what is going to change 2010 the way that 2007 was changed. I don't know if it's fair for me to struggle again, so soon.
But for me, to feel Him, even in the pain, the arrogance, the rebellion, the fear, the apathy for Him to meet me there this morning...It was something. I don't know what it was. It was a candle flicker in a long, dark tunnel right now. It was a flicker that maybe there is hope. That maybe He will meet me in the muck and disappointment of this life and replace it with something...else.
Sometimes the only prayer that I've been able to prayer lately is that He would protect the little ones, that I would have the strength to walk this with these kids, that He would protect your heart and your mind, that He would meet you where you are, that He would protect our relationship as we each walk our own dark season. But today, this morning I pray that He would give me the strength to see that the Spring is coming. (Which is ironic because in the analogy, our Spring would actually be winter since I'm a snow...never mind.) I pray that moments like this morning would continue to intrude my life and my plans until I find myself full surrendered in His arms again. I'm leaving the radio on even after I leave for work. The dog will like it and I want His name pouring into all the rooms of this home. I'm not sure what I can do, how to walk this out but I'm still pretty dang sure of what His name can do.
And maybe tomorrow I will get another flicker.
