21 August 2013

Insight into my homework.

This is a small portion of a journal I had to turn in for our leadership school that I thought I would share about the work God is doing in my heart in this time.

3. What has been a joy this week? What are you excited about? A joy has continued to be God's prescence during this fast. I was at the lookout a while ago heaving I was sobbing so hard to worship, "Oh death where is your sting? Oh hell where is your victory? Oh church come stand in the light our God is not dead he's alive He's alive." And I just am weeping my eyeballs out because I've been up there praying and crying out to him and journaling and these wounds are coming out of my confusion and I can feel him replacing them with his truth and it's like this searing pain. And that line comes on and it's just like "Oh death where is your sting?" And I know it's talking about physical death but what kept coming to mind was this spiritual death of my flesh and this false identity I'd put on and clung to because of this wound and I'm just crying out as I'm turning it over, "Oh death (of that identity) where is your sting?" He is bigger. He is bigger. Yes, His prescience has been my joy this week. It has continued to be a stingy process as my flesh comes to the surface and is dealt with through this fast but every day there is something more of His heart for me to walk into. This has been some of the hardest heart work God's done in me in years but it has just been so powerful. I found myself in tears (Gee that's shocking) a few days ago as I was processing through relationship stuff with Sophie and she said, "Mandi, you're falling more in love with God than you are anything else, that's a good thing!" And that is where His joy has brought me this week, I am starting to finally with my heart and not just my head scratch the surface of what it means to be chased and love struck for my heavenly bridegroom.

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