You are the one, I've been waiting for...today.

I had a wonderfully "beast" day, (as my boys would say) and have dampened it this night by making myself even more fully aware of my own stupidity. I can set goals for myself all I want but until....I don't know. Maybe that's my issue, I have no idea why I continue to fail. I set up these goals for myself and write it down and set up these nice little systems and keep everything very predictable for myself and here I am. Exactly where I said I was not going to be.

Today we were at Wild Mountain for work. What a blast. I am so blessed and have such great friends to share such a beautiful time with. 

On the way to work today I realized it was still early enough to be chilly and the bus ride through the river valley might still be cold. I was too close to work with not enough time to turn around and go home to grab a hoodie but I realized I have to turn right by my Mom's house anyways. I stopped in and she gave me one of her hoodies. I purposely "forgot" it in my car this evening when I went to nanny Izze because I wanted to take it home and sleep in it. If I pull my head into the hood and close my eyes and breath deep I can smell her, and she's holding me...and the world is ok again.

I want to run a 5k in October so I've started training myself and forcing myself through a lot of submission and self control issues I have. It's been successful and I feel lovely. I'm at that point where I can instant success thou. I can feel myself run farther then I did the day before. I can see my skin stay clear without artificial sugars and can push away a caffeine withdrawal induced headache with another Nalgene. The last couple weeks have been semi miserable detoxing from all the crap I put into my body and the crap lifestyle I expose it to. But can I tell you, even for no reason at all. I feel great.

But it's been more then a body change and I know that. I walk differently, with a different air and a sort of confidence I have not known in a while. I spend my mornings with Riley and Jesus and they've been doing a number on my heart lately. I love my mornings. I love being alone from people but having the dog there so I'm not technically alone to the point where I would feel lonely. 

I love being able to see my broken relationships and love them in spite of them. I've come to realize it stems from my ultimate broken relationship and that anything else I try to do comes from the fact that I'm human and I'm trying to replace what I lost at the fall. I'm trying to fill my heart with anything that distract me from the gapping hole that only He can fill. I love knowing that He knows that and loves me anyways. I love knowing that besides, beyond and because of the law and the rules and the pageants and programs He's a completely relational God who loves me unconditionally...which is good news for a relational girl like me.

So that's me exhausted and semi emotional as I head into another day tomorrow of water park. Bunker Beach baby!

And P.S. To the Guy Running the Go-Carts At Wild Mountain-

     I thought you were cute too but you're not going to impress this girl by acting like a child in front of my kids. You would have walked miles in my book had you acted like a gentlemen and treated me like a lady. Had been an example to my boys of what a real man is and should be. They saw the way you were with me and asked why I didn't stay. I told them that's not how to win a girls affections. You were cute. You made me smile, I'll give you that but curly hair and baby blues will only get you so far.