Training has begun! Lots of little things that need to be learned and done around base. People leaving and coming, getting base staff and school staff in the right spots and roles as we're beginning. Getting to know each other and our surroundings, testing our wings with this new role, hearing from people who've been doing it for years. Today the Basic Leadership School semi started for us staff to get a head start on our homework and book reports for that. (I need to find a good book on leadership to do a report on...suggestions? I know a bunch but want something GREAT!). We're starting to go through files and pray over our students, feel our way around the facebook group and start making contact.
One of the things we've been talking about is the importance of staying in contact with supporters and prayer partners back home. Newsletters, blogs, emails, trying to keep schedules to make sure all of that is happening. Remembering and putting into practice now times of rest and quiet. I met with our financial leader and he's giving me an updated sort of fees report this week that I'll be updating here and sending to supporters. I have been in contact with a supporter from home that's having trouble transferring money into my account so continued prayers for finances would be wonderful.
It's been really chilly here in the mornings with frost on the ground and the cars. But the midday has been sunny and pleasant. The mountains are making snow now that it's getting cold enough up there so they have a good base for the real stuff that's been sporadic. Saturday the SDTS staff team is going into Christchurch to pick up our last guy and go to the SFC (Snowboarders for Christ) kickoff. Should be a good time, get me amped for the snowboard season here.
During my quiet time I've been reading through Genesis. I read thru the New Testament while I was a DTS student and as staff I figured I'd go through the Old. One of the things that's been sticking out to me is how much everything God does comes from a heart of complete, divine love for His people. From making a help mate for Adam, to separating them from the tree of life, to making them skins to wear, even marking Cain, everything He does comes from this complete love for His people. Even when things didn't make sense or even when they seem to be just a reaction to sin, EVERYTHING is done from love. Like the Father just LOVES. He just totally, completely loves His people. We don't even know what that kind of love is like. Human love, even it's like most pure state is still really selfish, we're still doing or getting something out or in return for it. And here you have this marvelous Creator who just got done making the whole earth and is so powerful and so in control of everything and can do anything and He chooses to love these weak, small, little people and doesn't love them with anything but all of Himself!
28 May 2012
25 May 2012
Landed!
Well I am here! In the frozen South! Well ok, it's not quite frozen but a quite a bit colder than the 90 degree days I left in Minnesota.
My flights over were not bad. Actually all of them had some little supernatural bonus. The first flight from Minneapolis to LA I was slotted to sit in the dreaded middle seat. (This was not something I was looking forward to knowing I was going from saying goodbye to Jenny downstairs to getting squished between two other travelers during the last night hours on my body clock) well the third person in the row didn't show up so I got my favorite aisle seat. While this was lovely, we ended up not being able to leave Minneapolis until twenty minutes after we were supposed to because of weather, added with time wasted taxing in LA, I was still sitting on my first plane almost 40 minutes after they started boarding my long haul flight! I was praying while sitting on the plane that I would somehow make the flight which was set to take off in 20 minutes. Thankfully the gates were right next to each so I ran from one door to the next and got on my flight to Australia. I was in the middle of a 3, 3, 3 set up. I was in the aisle of that middle 3 column, well this flight the person in the middle of that 3 section didn't show. So the hilarious Australian girl on the other side of me decided we'd take that middle seat in shifts and spread out to sleep. She ended up being a super sweet seat mate. She even made sure the flight attendants left me food when I slept through dinner! When I finally landed in Australia I had to check in with Air New Zealand for my international transfer ticket. When I got to the line (6 am ish) the man at the counter asked me what kind of ticket I wanted. I said I didn't know, just a normal ticket? He said he'd give me a "works deluxe" ticket. I didn't know what that meant until I got on the plane 2 hours later. He's gotten me an aisle seat, with an upgraded entertainment system, meals and drinks! He'd gotten my name on some list and they treated me like royalty! Every time some silly little bonus like that happened I just smiled knowing my Heavenly Daddy was just showing me how much he loves to love me. I totally appreciated it! (And all of you who were praying for safe and peaceful flights!)
I met my school leader, Loren at the airport along with another base staff. We went down to Christchurch to see the damage from the 2011 earthquakes. WOAH! I was not prepared for what I saw. I guess just because American media didn't really focus so much on it after the initial sort of panic. Whole portions of the city are leveled. Our old stomping grounds are in ruin. One of the areas that I spent a lot of time in when I came as a student was Manchester St where we worked with a prostitution ministry. This was one of the hardest hit areas in all of Christchurch. In a really odd way I wonder if in some ways it was not an answer to our prayers to crumble the strong holds of evil on that street. Not that we would ever pray for destruction like I saw but I know God works through all things...
We got back to the base and I got to see the new building which was only in the praying and dreaming stages when I was here as a student. It's awesome. A place where our whole school will be able to eat together and learn together on our own property. And I also got to see where I'm staying, in my own room! And while this is not that abnormal in life at home if you know YWAM you know this is rare. Rare and I am super thankful for it! Haha, supernaturally? I'm totally spoiled!
My first days here have been great. (COLD!) but great. God has filled me with peace and calm about being here. I was so worried and panicked at home about leaving and what was coming and not knowing. While I still don't know a ton of details or some of the ins and outs of whats going to happen in the next many months I am filled with peace that I know can only come from God. I have prayed and have been joined with so many others just praying that this would be a time of peace for me and God has and is answering those prayers. I am incredibly blessed by that.
I will update financially in a few days after I've met with our financial guy. But for now I wanted to let you all know I'm here, I'm blessed, I'm safe and sound and content in the place God has me right now. Please continue to pray and keep us covered in prayer for the staff, students and this entire school and base. Monday we're going to start staff training where we will get to start planning and dreaming for this school. I'm excited and ready. Let's do this!
My flights over were not bad. Actually all of them had some little supernatural bonus. The first flight from Minneapolis to LA I was slotted to sit in the dreaded middle seat. (This was not something I was looking forward to knowing I was going from saying goodbye to Jenny downstairs to getting squished between two other travelers during the last night hours on my body clock) well the third person in the row didn't show up so I got my favorite aisle seat. While this was lovely, we ended up not being able to leave Minneapolis until twenty minutes after we were supposed to because of weather, added with time wasted taxing in LA, I was still sitting on my first plane almost 40 minutes after they started boarding my long haul flight! I was praying while sitting on the plane that I would somehow make the flight which was set to take off in 20 minutes. Thankfully the gates were right next to each so I ran from one door to the next and got on my flight to Australia. I was in the middle of a 3, 3, 3 set up. I was in the aisle of that middle 3 column, well this flight the person in the middle of that 3 section didn't show. So the hilarious Australian girl on the other side of me decided we'd take that middle seat in shifts and spread out to sleep. She ended up being a super sweet seat mate. She even made sure the flight attendants left me food when I slept through dinner! When I finally landed in Australia I had to check in with Air New Zealand for my international transfer ticket. When I got to the line (6 am ish) the man at the counter asked me what kind of ticket I wanted. I said I didn't know, just a normal ticket? He said he'd give me a "works deluxe" ticket. I didn't know what that meant until I got on the plane 2 hours later. He's gotten me an aisle seat, with an upgraded entertainment system, meals and drinks! He'd gotten my name on some list and they treated me like royalty! Every time some silly little bonus like that happened I just smiled knowing my Heavenly Daddy was just showing me how much he loves to love me. I totally appreciated it! (And all of you who were praying for safe and peaceful flights!)
I met my school leader, Loren at the airport along with another base staff. We went down to Christchurch to see the damage from the 2011 earthquakes. WOAH! I was not prepared for what I saw. I guess just because American media didn't really focus so much on it after the initial sort of panic. Whole portions of the city are leveled. Our old stomping grounds are in ruin. One of the areas that I spent a lot of time in when I came as a student was Manchester St where we worked with a prostitution ministry. This was one of the hardest hit areas in all of Christchurch. In a really odd way I wonder if in some ways it was not an answer to our prayers to crumble the strong holds of evil on that street. Not that we would ever pray for destruction like I saw but I know God works through all things...
We got back to the base and I got to see the new building which was only in the praying and dreaming stages when I was here as a student. It's awesome. A place where our whole school will be able to eat together and learn together on our own property. And I also got to see where I'm staying, in my own room! And while this is not that abnormal in life at home if you know YWAM you know this is rare. Rare and I am super thankful for it! Haha, supernaturally? I'm totally spoiled!
My first days here have been great. (COLD!) but great. God has filled me with peace and calm about being here. I was so worried and panicked at home about leaving and what was coming and not knowing. While I still don't know a ton of details or some of the ins and outs of whats going to happen in the next many months I am filled with peace that I know can only come from God. I have prayed and have been joined with so many others just praying that this would be a time of peace for me and God has and is answering those prayers. I am incredibly blessed by that.
I will update financially in a few days after I've met with our financial guy. But for now I wanted to let you all know I'm here, I'm blessed, I'm safe and sound and content in the place God has me right now. Please continue to pray and keep us covered in prayer for the staff, students and this entire school and base. Monday we're going to start staff training where we will get to start planning and dreaming for this school. I'm excited and ready. Let's do this!
22 May 2012
Last night in MN
Well this is it, my last night in Minnesota for a while. My last night ever in this house. It's been a very short I suppose journey but filled with ups and downs as I've prepared for this crazy adventure. Right now I suppose I'm just so tired and worn out from crying that there's not much emotion left in me.
Today I took my sweet Izze girl out of school and we went to Mall of America to spend an afternoon just being with each other and making some sweet memories and spoiling my girl. At one point we headed down to the Sealife Aquarium and we're watching a woman feed the sting rays. They have built a small play structure in and around the tank, there are little clear domes the kids can crawl in and through to get an up close look at the sting rays. Above the tank there is a small walk way and a portion of it has a clear glass bottom. I stepped out and said how cool it was after Izze pointed it out to me. "Come here." I said and held my hand out to her. "I don't want to, I'm scared." She said. I held my hand out to her again and told her she needed to be brave; my hand was right there. And she did it. Without stopping to think about it, without weighing her options. She grabbed my hand and stepped out onto the glass and joined me.
And instantly I knew this was what God was asking me to do. We were no higher than 8 feet above the ground but to such a little girl I'm sure it felt much higher. And while it does seem scary to step out onto a floor that you can see right through, it was thick glass and there was a bottom. God's not asking me to walk on water right now. He knows I'm scared and that I don't want to journey into that fear. But He's holding His hand out and asking me to join Him on this glass bottomed floor...
If you have been praying please continue. The next few days will be full of challenges for me. I found out just this evening that weekly staff fees have gone up to $100/wk instead of $95 and while it does not seem that big of a jump over 17 weeks that's almost $100 I was not planning for. So please continue to lift my finances up in prayer, I'm still about $1200 short with this new total. (If you would feel lead to give you can use the PayPal link in the upper right corner). Also please pray for peace as I'm having to say "See you later" to the ones I love the most, as well as safe travels, peace at the airports and that my luggage would arrive safely and on time.
I am incredibly blessed by many, many loving, supportive relationships here in Minnesota that I will miss dearly. I'm excited for the plans God has for all of our lives this summer and the coming fall. Please continue to check back for updates. (Feel free to leave comments and encouragement :) Please also continue to pray for this journey. This is by far the most important need and request I have. Please, please continue to keep me in prayer through out this entire process.
Catch ya on the flip side!
Today I took my sweet Izze girl out of school and we went to Mall of America to spend an afternoon just being with each other and making some sweet memories and spoiling my girl. At one point we headed down to the Sealife Aquarium and we're watching a woman feed the sting rays. They have built a small play structure in and around the tank, there are little clear domes the kids can crawl in and through to get an up close look at the sting rays. Above the tank there is a small walk way and a portion of it has a clear glass bottom. I stepped out and said how cool it was after Izze pointed it out to me. "Come here." I said and held my hand out to her. "I don't want to, I'm scared." She said. I held my hand out to her again and told her she needed to be brave; my hand was right there. And she did it. Without stopping to think about it, without weighing her options. She grabbed my hand and stepped out onto the glass and joined me.
And instantly I knew this was what God was asking me to do. We were no higher than 8 feet above the ground but to such a little girl I'm sure it felt much higher. And while it does seem scary to step out onto a floor that you can see right through, it was thick glass and there was a bottom. God's not asking me to walk on water right now. He knows I'm scared and that I don't want to journey into that fear. But He's holding His hand out and asking me to join Him on this glass bottomed floor...
If you have been praying please continue. The next few days will be full of challenges for me. I found out just this evening that weekly staff fees have gone up to $100/wk instead of $95 and while it does not seem that big of a jump over 17 weeks that's almost $100 I was not planning for. So please continue to lift my finances up in prayer, I'm still about $1200 short with this new total. (If you would feel lead to give you can use the PayPal link in the upper right corner). Also please pray for peace as I'm having to say "See you later" to the ones I love the most, as well as safe travels, peace at the airports and that my luggage would arrive safely and on time.
I am incredibly blessed by many, many loving, supportive relationships here in Minnesota that I will miss dearly. I'm excited for the plans God has for all of our lives this summer and the coming fall. Please continue to check back for updates. (Feel free to leave comments and encouragement :) Please also continue to pray for this journey. This is by far the most important need and request I have. Please, please continue to keep me in prayer through out this entire process.
Catch ya on the flip side!
16 May 2012
A week out...
A week from today I will be getting ready to take off the second leg of my 2 day journey to New Zealand. There are a lot of thoughts and emotions this week. If you have been praying for me this week, PLEASE KEEP GOING! Your prayers and your thoughts and wisdom have been felt and appreciated. Last week I was an emotional mess, literally I could only go a few hours without bawling. I was racked by fear, anxiety, nervousness, and doubt. This week while I am still incredibly nervous and anxious there is an odd sense of calm, comfort and even excitement maybe? I know this is the new season God has for me and while the next week is going to be emotional because I am so blessed by such amazing relationships and community here in Minnesota I know I am journeying into an amazing adventure with the Lord right now. The blessings and favor has poured out again and again! Financial support is almost all in! I'm only about $1200 short of the total needed! This has been a tornado of a week.... This past weekend I was personal attendant for my dear friends Nicole and Jon's wedding.
I don't know what it is about weddings. When I left in 2007 my Mom married Jon less than a week before I left and now Nicole and Jon. I don't know if it's just a fluke or if there is a little wink from God that these wonderful and beautiful glimpses into the Kingdom just keep happening around major leaps for me.
At the end of the weekend I got to spend a last sort of "normal" Sunday with my best friend; Doing and cherishing the normal routine. I've realized that lately, I LOVE routine! I love and find security in knowing what's coming next, knowing what to expect, etc. I think part of my fear in this new venture is I know I'm going to lose my current routine and I don't yet know what my new one will be. (Thankfully I know for any school to run smoothly there will be a routine. I just don't know what it is). But I also realize there are going to be times when I need to let go and let things happen as they will.
AND THEN.... as you can see from the last entry...my newest and dear little niece Faith Isabelle came into the world on Monday at 11:01 AM. She is perfect, just as her older cousin is. It amazes me because I've said since she was born that I could never love anyone the way I love Izze and in a moment it felt like my heart grew even bigger and suddenly there was room for another tiny little being in there! She gave Sissy quite a battle but she is finally here. Safe, sound and beautiful! With long skinny fingers, huge checks and big pouty lips. As soon as I heard she was coming I just had one wish with her before I leave, I wished that I could hold her and Isabelle just once in my arms at the same time. Just to have both my girls in my arms once. And tonight I got that wish...
Isabelle Michelle and her new cousin named after her, Faith Isabelle.
The most perfect little girls in the whole world!
I was going to say, next week this time this new adventure will have started. I will have officially ended my time at Zanewood, packed, said goodbye to these precious little girls and their Mama's, cried my eyes out saying goodbye to Jen and gotten on the plane. But this adventure has already started. God is doing this. He is doing this...
14 May 2012
She's here!
Thank you Lord for the miracle of birth. For another beautiful, perfect little girl. Mostly safe delivery for my sister and a chance to hold her in my arms before I leave. It's so crazy to see this little body and know even thou I have not met her officially I would lay down my life for this little baby. I am so in love!!
Welcome to the world Faithy Lou. Auntie loves you more than life!!
09 May 2012
Faith is due today...in more ways than one.
My niece Faith Isabelle was due to be born today...with two and a half hours left of her due date she's looking like she's picking a different birthday. I hope someone lets her know we're on a time crunch, her Auntie would like to meet her and I've only got fourteen days left in this country.
Speaking of being two weeks out, if you have committed to praying for and with me through this journey please start now. I'm really struggling. It's gotten to the point where everything starts piling up, the days start flashing by like strobe lights and the time spent with friends and family is never enough. This has been the hardest part of finding out two months ago, there just isn't (its feels like enough time). I can't believe Bitsy was here this weekend, time is flying by so quickly it does not even seem real.
I still am without a flight and my bank deposit is being held with the funds I do have. Prayers for supernatural release of finances and provision and favor with travel agents would be much appreciated.
Prayers also for my heart and mind. I am feeling Satan's attacks from every direction. He's seeking to tear apart my relationships, my health, my finances, every step towards New Zealand seems to have some secondary bunny trail of complications. Part of me is waiting for someone to finally jump out of the curtain and say, "Nope forget it, it's just not going to work."
But in my heart I know it is. I know God has a wonderful and powerful and amazing plan for me this season and for my family and friends back home. I just pray that the Holy Spirit would come with peace, comfort, wisdom, mercy, favor and joy in these last few days.
Speaking of being two weeks out, if you have committed to praying for and with me through this journey please start now. I'm really struggling. It's gotten to the point where everything starts piling up, the days start flashing by like strobe lights and the time spent with friends and family is never enough. This has been the hardest part of finding out two months ago, there just isn't (its feels like enough time). I can't believe Bitsy was here this weekend, time is flying by so quickly it does not even seem real.
I still am without a flight and my bank deposit is being held with the funds I do have. Prayers for supernatural release of finances and provision and favor with travel agents would be much appreciated.
Prayers also for my heart and mind. I am feeling Satan's attacks from every direction. He's seeking to tear apart my relationships, my health, my finances, every step towards New Zealand seems to have some secondary bunny trail of complications. Part of me is waiting for someone to finally jump out of the curtain and say, "Nope forget it, it's just not going to work."
But in my heart I know it is. I know God has a wonderful and powerful and amazing plan for me this season and for my family and friends back home. I just pray that the Holy Spirit would come with peace, comfort, wisdom, mercy, favor and joy in these last few days.
02 May 2012
Half is in!!
News worth celebrating: Last night a friend (whose fundraising for her own short term missions trip this summer) pledged the last $125! That pushed total funds raised to $2000 and I was able to email my church and let them know it was time to release the money they pledged unto New Zealand. Praise Him for answered prayer within 24 hours!!
This afternoon I realized once again that life happens anywhere, anytime. This afternoon both my car and my phone stopped functioning as they should, at the same time. Isabelle is hot, hungry and excited in my back seat. Her innocent questions and comments relentless. I'm hot, over tired, and at the gates of strep throat in the front. I could feel angry, stressed, overwhelmed tears threatening on the dark side of my sunglasses. In my heart I could hear a question, "How are you going to react?"
And I suppose that is the question that I will have to keep in the forefront of my mind in this season. None of any of this is what I had planned. None of this afternoon was anything I wanted to do or deal with. So much of my life is out of my control or unexpected and God is wanting to know, how am I going to react. At the end of the day do I believe scripture when it says my God has everything in control and that He works all things together for my good? My natural instinct is always emotion. I'm a feeler first and a planner second. I think tonight and I think the moving of my heart towards that question was a challenge to take two seconds and ask myself "How am I going to react? How are outward actions going to reflect my heart and my faith?" Am I going to take two seconds to be intentional about my choice instead of letting my emotions pop off immediately. Maybe a good cry is what's needed in the moment and maybe it's time to bit my tongue and get through the moment. I think tonight was a challenge to be intentional. To be intentionally in the huge mountain top, major moments in my life and in the quiet, private, stress induced moments on my own.
Prayers are always appreciated!
Tonight I'm praying for the rest of the $1200 needed for my flight would come in and I would be able to purchase my ticket at the cheapest rate possible. This would be a MAJOR stress relieved.
I'm praying that my car would be able to fixed as soon and as painlessly as possible.
I'm praying for a complete healing of my throat and body and that I would not be sick or distracted this weekend as BITSY IS COMING INTO TOWN!
This afternoon I realized once again that life happens anywhere, anytime. This afternoon both my car and my phone stopped functioning as they should, at the same time. Isabelle is hot, hungry and excited in my back seat. Her innocent questions and comments relentless. I'm hot, over tired, and at the gates of strep throat in the front. I could feel angry, stressed, overwhelmed tears threatening on the dark side of my sunglasses. In my heart I could hear a question, "How are you going to react?"
And I suppose that is the question that I will have to keep in the forefront of my mind in this season. None of any of this is what I had planned. None of this afternoon was anything I wanted to do or deal with. So much of my life is out of my control or unexpected and God is wanting to know, how am I going to react. At the end of the day do I believe scripture when it says my God has everything in control and that He works all things together for my good? My natural instinct is always emotion. I'm a feeler first and a planner second. I think tonight and I think the moving of my heart towards that question was a challenge to take two seconds and ask myself "How am I going to react? How are outward actions going to reflect my heart and my faith?" Am I going to take two seconds to be intentional about my choice instead of letting my emotions pop off immediately. Maybe a good cry is what's needed in the moment and maybe it's time to bit my tongue and get through the moment. I think tonight was a challenge to be intentional. To be intentionally in the huge mountain top, major moments in my life and in the quiet, private, stress induced moments on my own.
Prayers are always appreciated!
Tonight I'm praying for the rest of the $1200 needed for my flight would come in and I would be able to purchase my ticket at the cheapest rate possible. This would be a MAJOR stress relieved.
I'm praying that my car would be able to fixed as soon and as painlessly as possible.
I'm praying for a complete healing of my throat and body and that I would not be sick or distracted this weekend as BITSY IS COMING INTO TOWN!
30 April 2012
Update on Finances
I've been incredibly stressed out about missions finances lately. Lately? Let's be honest I've been stressed about finances since I accepted the staff position in New Zealand. I knew when I said yes two months before I needed to fly out that getting financies was going to be hard. I knew it would take incredible amounts of faith, trust and hard work on my part and lots of generosity and obedience of tons of family and friends. I was reading the blog of another missionary this morning and she was talking about what it's like to raise funds as a missionary. She said 99% of the world does not understand what it's like to enter into a career where you have to raise your own income. Where you literally, in humility have to ASK people to pay you to be able to feed your family, continue your ministry, bless someone else. Working sometimes twenty four hours a day knowing no pay check is guaranteed. She said there are times when she sits with knots in her stomach wondering if enough is going to come in this week to be able to continue her ministry. It's a frightening, humbling, awesome place to be.
While a lot of that stress just kind of comes with the territory, it has at points though become distracting from what I believe God is trying to speak into my heart in these last few weeks before I head out. Seeing this, my best and incredibly insightful friend Jennifer challenged me to "fast" from checking finances this last week. She told me to continue to blog, update on facebook, tweet, and generally work my butt off to get finances but if anything came in, to put it aside and focus on other things. This meant no checking paypal or emails that updated me on account information. I knew stuff had come in and the first few days it took incredible self control to put the envelopes in a file and move on. My sister would see them in the mail and ask how much had come in, I'd have to tell her I wasn't checking.
Today was the end of that week and so I opened envelopes, wrote "thank-you's", crunched some numbers and met with a friend whose committed as one of my financial prayer warriors. And here's the details...
$1875 has come in so far!
$750 has been donated to me personally for my flight, New Zealand VISA, license and insurance.
$925 has been donated to YWAM for my school fees, room, board and outreach.
$200 has been given that was unspecified.
First and foremost: PRAISE GOD THE GIVER AND CREATOR OF ALL THINGS! In less than a month almost half of the total finances needed have come in.
Half? You might ask.... Isn't $2000 only a quarter of what is needed? True (Thanks Mrs. Virchow's 1st grade Math class for the 1/2 and 1/4 review this week) $2000 is only a quarter of what is needed but my church has decided to be my sending church and carry a large portion of the financial burden. What they are requiring is that I raise a quarter of the total that I need before I leave (A little more than $2000) and when that has been raised or pledged they will release another quarter of the total to YWAM. Which means: I'm only $125 short of that first $2000 needed! (So in this case a quarter actually means half).
So here's where I stand:
After the $125 comes in and church can release the next quarter of funds:
$2000 of the $3100 needed for outreach will be in!
$1050 of the $1650 needed for base fees will be in!
The $750 Activity fee will be completely paid for!
$750 of the $2100 needed for my flight/travel insurance will be in!
So this is where you can come in. Not everyone can pack up and head down to New Zealand this year but God has called me to and you can come along and join in this adventure both spiritually (through prayer, support and encouragement) and physically (through financially partnership, support or donation).
While a lot of that stress just kind of comes with the territory, it has at points though become distracting from what I believe God is trying to speak into my heart in these last few weeks before I head out. Seeing this, my best and incredibly insightful friend Jennifer challenged me to "fast" from checking finances this last week. She told me to continue to blog, update on facebook, tweet, and generally work my butt off to get finances but if anything came in, to put it aside and focus on other things. This meant no checking paypal or emails that updated me on account information. I knew stuff had come in and the first few days it took incredible self control to put the envelopes in a file and move on. My sister would see them in the mail and ask how much had come in, I'd have to tell her I wasn't checking.
Today was the end of that week and so I opened envelopes, wrote "thank-you's", crunched some numbers and met with a friend whose committed as one of my financial prayer warriors. And here's the details...
$1875 has come in so far!
$750 has been donated to me personally for my flight, New Zealand VISA, license and insurance.
$925 has been donated to YWAM for my school fees, room, board and outreach.
$200 has been given that was unspecified.
First and foremost: PRAISE GOD THE GIVER AND CREATOR OF ALL THINGS! In less than a month almost half of the total finances needed have come in.
Half? You might ask.... Isn't $2000 only a quarter of what is needed? True (Thanks Mrs. Virchow's 1st grade Math class for the 1/2 and 1/4 review this week) $2000 is only a quarter of what is needed but my church has decided to be my sending church and carry a large portion of the financial burden. What they are requiring is that I raise a quarter of the total that I need before I leave (A little more than $2000) and when that has been raised or pledged they will release another quarter of the total to YWAM. Which means: I'm only $125 short of that first $2000 needed! (So in this case a quarter actually means half).
So here's where I stand:
After the $125 comes in and church can release the next quarter of funds:
$2000 of the $3100 needed for outreach will be in!
$1050 of the $1650 needed for base fees will be in!
The $750 Activity fee will be completely paid for!
$750 of the $2100 needed for my flight/travel insurance will be in!
So this is where you can come in. Not everyone can pack up and head down to New Zealand this year but God has called me to and you can come along and join in this adventure both spiritually (through prayer, support and encouragement) and physically (through financially partnership, support or donation).
- The immediate need is for that last $125 to come in to push total raised to $2000 and allow church to release their quarter of funds. (If you feel led to give this money it can be to YWAM Oxford or me personally. The required $2000 is TOTAL money raised).
- The second most important need is for the other $1350 needed for my flight and travel insurance. Flights into New Zealand bounce between $1800-$2000 USD on any given day, we are hoping and praying that by working with a missionary travel agent that we are able to get the plane ticket down to around $1600.
- Thirdly I am praying for two individuals or families that would be willing to partner with me financially at $100/month May-November. This would provide the rest of my base fees, VISA, license and flight charges (I will need to change my flight in August to comply with New Zealand immigration laws). If you feel led to give on a monthly basis and would like to set up a recurring payment plan please contact me personally and we can set that up.
I spoke at a meeting of our Young Adults ministry at church a few weeks ago and my Pastor Nate got up after me and told our group (bluntly) that my financial need is the most felt, in your face needs right now. And he's right, finances is what is on my mind and the thing that is easiest to quantify. I am lacking right now and there is a huge need but I am also encouraged. In less than a month we are just $125 short of the half way point. I have 23 more days here to raise the other half. I believe God can do this! I believe God is doing this! ( $100 was donated this morning before 9am! And that was by a fellow missionary with no income!! She had an overabundance of financial blessing this week and poured some of that overflow unto me!) And so I pray that God would speak to you clearly if you should give and how much. All support is appreciated and will be used with integrity. (Just fyi: I have a team of three that are set to be a financial accountability to me, in prayer for and with me. One of them acting as "missionary financial advisor.") There are a few ways to give if you feel lead:
- Personal check to either myself or YWAM Oxford.
- PayPal. (mandistavnaw@gmail.com) or the convenient PayPal "Donate" button above. :)
- If you desire to set up recurring monthly payments please contact me directly and I can lead you in the right direction.
Secondly (but no less important) is the need for spiritual and emotional support. The kingdom of darkness is in crisis as I and the others that will be part of this school prepare to go. I (as I'm sure they are) starting to feel this crisis. I desperately need prayer. A supernatural covering that will keep me in Gods loving hand, drenched in His peace and joy as I walk this journey. My prayer is that my ears and heart will be stopped up against the lies of the enemy. That the false identities, false ideas and false emotions would not find root in my heart or mind. I pray that the last twenty three days I have in Minnesota before this new adventure would be marked by supernatural protection, joy, grace, peace and provision. If you feel led to pray for me please let me know! I was so blessed by a family who added a post-it to their support check saying "Praying for you" and by a friend who asked for extra "Mandi magnets" to keep me visible even while I'm gone to pray for me daily.
I have a dear friend whose an Atheist and whose moral code won't allow her to donate money to help send me into missions but wants me to know she supports me as a friend and wanted a list of physical items I need for my trip. Yes, there is a list of physical items I still need! Such as a mosquito net, head lamp, malaria pills, sleeping pad are a few, if you would like a copy of this list please let me know. One of the most common items a female missionary needs is an ankle length skirt, one of the "Mama's" in my life is making me one!
I need prayer! I love cards, letters, emails, texts of encouragement. ;) Feel free to comment a "Keep your chin up" here on my journal or any of my social media pages. Please know I have been so blessed by all of you. So many people have shared excitement with me over my trip. Giddiness at this new adventure. Joy at my opportunities. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everyone who has gone out of their way to love and and support me in this journey and this time. I am so blessed and excited for the team and "family" I have standing beside me as I step out in this great adventure God is calling me on. I'm excited at the miracles I know are going to pour out in the next twenty three days and the next seven months. Tonight ends the last full month I'll be in Minnesota for until December. CRAZY! Let's do this! God's doing a mighty work in my life and in all the communities I find myself in. Go big or go home!
Let's do this!!
26 April 2012
The Very Worst Missionary
Tonight we had our Multicultural family night at work. Part of that included Target's food distribution where Target pairs up with CEAP to provide bags of groceries for the families in our school. Target's team of volunteers has included none other than the best friend for the past two years so tonight was no different. Except that all the women in my family were busy and I was the only one with a short break between commitments to grab Izze. So Izze became a little Target volunteer tonight. It blessed my heart to see her following her Auntie around, helping to bag groceries and interact with kiddos. (In khaki and red to boot!)
Yanno, a few months from now I look forward with eager anticipation of updating this blog. Some small victory one of my small group girls is walking in, a healing that has taken place, a last ditch effort for finances that has come in, an out pouring of joy. I look forward to the victories I know will take place. But tonight, tonight I had to take inventory of my failures. Tonight, I had to once again define what this journey means and is going to mean for me.
For me this decision has not been an easy one. This decision for me was not whether or not to take a trip but to change life paths. I don't plan on coming back to the life I lead today. Whatever, wherever or whoever I will be at the end of this first assignment, this is a change that I am making for life and with my life. I have to understand that, perhaps I need to communicate that.
Secondly for me a missionary identity has never been one of perfection. I hope that when people I love and care about hear that I am going to be a missionary they do not assume that I believe I am perfect and that reaching a mountain top of spiritual, physical and emotional perfection has been reached and that is why I can be sent out to minister in the nations. I do not see or assume missionaries are any better or more holy than anyone else. I do not believe they are anymore talented, gifted or blessed. That's not the case....by any stretch of the imagination.
I am a failure. I am a broken, bruised, sinful human being. I deserve death and my sins, choices, patterns and behaviors are worthy of a life separated from perfection. And that is where I would stay if I was without Christ. I know this. And while (as the person who knows me best pointed out) I wear a tough-you-can't-touch-me attitude I know that I am not perfect and I am deeply effected by my actions or inaction and interactions. I know that I am a screw up. I know that I have made decisions that are not right, not wise, not a good or proper witness of Christ. I know that I have been lazy and taken the easy way out, I know that I have spoken when I should have stayed quiet, and stayed quiet when I should have spoken. I am not oblivious to my humanity. I have struggled for years of my life to see myself as anything BUT my past mistakes and it seems as thou now, years later I have slid to the opposite side of the spectrum or at least what I portray is that I believe I don't make any. I make mistakes, I know that. I'm just as messed up as the next person.
But I've come to know that does not discredit me from taking a place in the wonderful story Jesus is writing through history. It didn't discount Paul, or Peter, or the woman at the well or Rehab or Jonah or Thomas or Jacob, or David or Joseph. Terrorists, tax collectors, prosititues, womanizers, liars, cheaters, thieves, corporate scum. They in all their humanity, in all the messed up, ragamuffin, messy spirituality were recorded as scripture as examples of the little people in this world God chooses to use to change history. These men and woman changed Scripture and history in the midst of who they were. And while this is no way means I think I can live however I want and wave my Jesus flag. There is a right and a wrong. I'm well aware that outside of heaven I cannot conquer my flesh. I can try my best and attempt to live surrendered and put myself on the alter, but I know that outside eternity I'm never going to be perfect. I've spent way too many years of my life trying to be and waiting to be before I move. I'm never going to get there and if I wait too long my waiting becomes my disobedience.
Matthew 28 commands us to "go into all the nations and teach them to be disciples." Matthew 28 doesn't say "wait until you have your stuff figured out, your Masters and mortgage, your ducks in a row and everyone's approval and then head out when it's convenient to your vacation schedule." I've been personally convicted that is says; go, send or disobey. And God has opened a door for me to go. So I'm going. I may be the very worst missionary, but I'm going.
If you are reading this and my journey has personally offended you or made you uncomfortable I am sorry. I do desire to be a person of humility, I desire to be a person that makes my sisters and my nieces proud, I desire to be a person who honors God. I am human, I make mistakes and many of them have involved people (as most mistakes go). I wear the mask that says I don't care and can't be touched and I do and I can. I do not desire to fall into the same traps of being so bound by my past mistakes that I can't move forward and so if in that self protective hedge I have made myself into someone who seems as though they don't care how their actions effects others I'm sorry. I have made mistakes yes, but I refuse to stay chained to them and I refuse to let them drive my decisions.
I may be the very worst missionary but God has opened a door into New Zealand and of that I am convinced. I'm nothing special, just another vessel. While my journey is very special and unique to me there are thousands all over the world getting ready to do the same thing. There are girls right now from somewhere in the world that God is preparing to be my small group girls in New Zealand and I pray that they are not being prepared to meet me or interact with me or have a relationship with me, I pray that I'm simply a vessel. A body and a mouth and hands and feet that can be Jesus to them. A wine skin or a clay pot or a puppet, whatever it is I need to be for God to use me to reach them, I'm willing. God has not done some magnificent magic trick that has turned me into a Super Saint or Power Preacher, I'm just a silly, procrastinating, sassy, emotional, fire cracker girl from Minnesota. That's what I love about YWAM. While God could very well call me to preach or teach or do something public for his name first and foremost I'm just called to go there to love on these girls. My first responsibility is to pray for, with and over these girls. To love them. To walk with them on this crazy, missionary journey that God is growing them to be on. They are the Superstars in this show. This is God's major production in THEIR lives, I'm just a stagehand. I love that! I'm excited for that. I've had a really, really good example of that for years and I'm ready to put that into practice. I'm a mess-up, ya you bet. I know that. But I know I'm an awesome, loved, cherished daughter of God with one Judge. And He has opened a door for me. And when God has set to do something the gates of hell will not stand against it!
24 April 2012
Sometimes this journey is confusing
This afternoon I was outside with my first graders. A group of about ten of them were off to the side of the playground digging in a section of red dirt they've been working on for days. They've made what looks like a mini Grand Canyon, two inch deep paths through the dirt that snake around from one side of the path to the other. In their self appointed governmental system the other kids have decided the consequences are not worth the excitement of caving in the little paths and so after days of working on dirt that has some how been set "off limits" to any "non workers" they really have created quite the little engineering piece. I think it hit close to seventy degrees around recess time this afternoon so the spring time bees, moths and butterflies have started making their first appearances. At some point in our thirty minutes outside I realized this small little group of kiddos had been particularly still and quiet around their little dirt village. After all the years I have worked with children one of the top five lessons I have learned is when kids gather, especially when they gather quietly it is never a good thing. Something naughty is being talked about, done or hidden. So I snuck over to try to catch them in the act. Instead I found eight or nine little heads bowed in prayer! Someone had accidently killed a butterfly and they had created a little alter built up on a little hill in the middle of their valleys where they laid the broken "bug", placed dandelions and pretty grasses around it and were praying that "Jesus would take our butterfly to heaven so he can play with us when we meet him there."
Are you kidding me?! Sometimes God is so confusing. I was going over to break up what I was convinced would be some gathering of disobedience what I found was the epitome of innocence. As I walked away (laughing) I thought about opposite this occurrence was to what I expected, what I've been functioning in.
I have been so confused lately. Partly because I've been so inundated with information, tasks, and commitments. Trying to balance time to focus, pray, plan and enjoy this journey has been overwhelming. I fear that I would loss priority, that I shift focus to everything to must be done instead of why I'm doing this. It's confusing. I know that people don't agree. I know that lovely, God-fearing, people who love me don't agree with what I'm doing. That leaving a good paying job that I love to fly across the world and work my butt off for no salary does not make sense is and may not be economically or educationally or socially smart. But sometimes God's confusing. And sometimes what He calls us to is confusing. Sometimes what He's calling us to is unconventional, or surprising, or scary, incredibly risky, and totally unlike what we thought it would be.
But does that mean that it's wrong? If it's something that never been done before can it not be done? Sometimes things are confusing because we just don't have the capability to understand everything yet. And I wonder if I can trust Him without knowing everything? Can I trust Him in the limited knowledge and immature understanding? Is that enough to throw my whole life into something?
A few years ago when Isabelle was a toddler we'd begun to tell her about Jesus and how to have a relationship with him. Unbeknownst to us she would become the perfect example of sometimes...Jesus is really confusing. This particular night we'd had a conversation with her about accepting Jesus into her heart and put her to bed. We were downstairs later watching a movie or doing some equally awesome thing adults do after they put kids to bed when we heard her start coughing. (Poor thing was diagnosed with asthma shortly after birth like most kids in our family). We ran up to make sure she was ok and calm her down in hopes of getting her to go back to sleep. "Isabelle what's wrong?' One of asked, more in attempts to get her to focus on talking instead of hacking.
"I asked Jesus to come into my heart but he got stuck in my throat"
Sometimes....Jesus is confusing...But he is always...ALWAYS...right!
Are you kidding me?! Sometimes God is so confusing. I was going over to break up what I was convinced would be some gathering of disobedience what I found was the epitome of innocence. As I walked away (laughing) I thought about opposite this occurrence was to what I expected, what I've been functioning in.
I have been so confused lately. Partly because I've been so inundated with information, tasks, and commitments. Trying to balance time to focus, pray, plan and enjoy this journey has been overwhelming. I fear that I would loss priority, that I shift focus to everything to must be done instead of why I'm doing this. It's confusing. I know that people don't agree. I know that lovely, God-fearing, people who love me don't agree with what I'm doing. That leaving a good paying job that I love to fly across the world and work my butt off for no salary does not make sense is and may not be economically or educationally or socially smart. But sometimes God's confusing. And sometimes what He calls us to is confusing. Sometimes what He's calling us to is unconventional, or surprising, or scary, incredibly risky, and totally unlike what we thought it would be.
But does that mean that it's wrong? If it's something that never been done before can it not be done? Sometimes things are confusing because we just don't have the capability to understand everything yet. And I wonder if I can trust Him without knowing everything? Can I trust Him in the limited knowledge and immature understanding? Is that enough to throw my whole life into something?
A few years ago when Isabelle was a toddler we'd begun to tell her about Jesus and how to have a relationship with him. Unbeknownst to us she would become the perfect example of sometimes...Jesus is really confusing. This particular night we'd had a conversation with her about accepting Jesus into her heart and put her to bed. We were downstairs later watching a movie or doing some equally awesome thing adults do after they put kids to bed when we heard her start coughing. (Poor thing was diagnosed with asthma shortly after birth like most kids in our family). We ran up to make sure she was ok and calm her down in hopes of getting her to go back to sleep. "Isabelle what's wrong?' One of asked, more in attempts to get her to focus on talking instead of hacking.
"I asked Jesus to come into my heart but he got stuck in my throat"
Sometimes....Jesus is confusing...But he is always...ALWAYS...right!
Other Things to Focus on...
Today I'm closer to leaving than I am to staying. I need to say that again...
Today I am closer to leaving that I am to staying. We past the month mark for the most part unscathed. I still checked kayak.com a million times yesterday to see if there would be a random drop of hundreds of dollars for the plane ticket (to no avail) and went to the Chimp movie with my sister, her best friend, and the little kids. Something is oddly comforting about passing that point...something feels like I've past the point o fno return. Like my brain is trying to tell my heart, "It's no use worrying anymore, now it's time to prepare."
Which put me in bed around 12:30 last night. Knowing I have twenty some odd days left in Minnesota, there are plenty of relationships I want to invest in before I leave for a while. Last night one of my best friends was texting from Chicago and asking what she could do to help me right now, I told her to pray and pray hard. To tell people about my story, get them praying and giving and finaly to get up here and hug me herself. ;) I should have told her to get up here quick and relieve my best friend Jen as well. Jenny has been so awesome the last month and some (don't get me wrong she's been great for the last 14 years but specifically the last month) as I've been accepted, prayed and struggled with my decision to go or stay, started to raise support and deal with opinion and ideas of people who don't agree. As I've struggled with lies from the enemy that I am too much or too little to do this thing. Almost daily she'll get a text seeking some affirmation, wisdom, truth or encouragment and without even stopping the pace of the day she's text back with just that. So much of who I am as a leader is because I have been at her side for last how many years as she's learned how to be one.
And I know in a few weeks I will wish my little terd was there to shove the musical Justin Bieber electric toothbrush in my face to wake me up but today? I just wanted to break it!
Today I am closer to leaving that I am to staying. We past the month mark for the most part unscathed. I still checked kayak.com a million times yesterday to see if there would be a random drop of hundreds of dollars for the plane ticket (to no avail) and went to the Chimp movie with my sister, her best friend, and the little kids. Something is oddly comforting about passing that point...something feels like I've past the point o fno return. Like my brain is trying to tell my heart, "It's no use worrying anymore, now it's time to prepare."
Which put me in bed around 12:30 last night. Knowing I have twenty some odd days left in Minnesota, there are plenty of relationships I want to invest in before I leave for a while. Last night one of my best friends was texting from Chicago and asking what she could do to help me right now, I told her to pray and pray hard. To tell people about my story, get them praying and giving and finaly to get up here and hug me herself. ;) I should have told her to get up here quick and relieve my best friend Jen as well. Jenny has been so awesome the last month and some (don't get me wrong she's been great for the last 14 years but specifically the last month) as I've been accepted, prayed and struggled with my decision to go or stay, started to raise support and deal with opinion and ideas of people who don't agree. As I've struggled with lies from the enemy that I am too much or too little to do this thing. Almost daily she'll get a text seeking some affirmation, wisdom, truth or encouragment and without even stopping the pace of the day she's text back with just that. So much of who I am as a leader is because I have been at her side for last how many years as she's learned how to be one.
And I know in a few weeks I will wish my little terd was there to shove the musical Justin Bieber electric toothbrush in my face to wake me up but today? I just wanted to break it!
Izze, Jen and I. (The Bieber toothbrush is not pictured!!)
As always please continue to pray for this journey. And if you felt lead, give financially I am still $6000 short of the total finacial need. THANKS!
22 April 2012
One month and one day.
Tomorrow morning it will be exactly one month from the day I will leave Minnesota and head back to New Zealand to start doing full time missions. In many ways this is incredibly intimidating. Fundraising is going slowly and my finances are not coming in as quickly as I had hoped. I will be honest when I say I am getting very scared that money needed, specifically the moneys needed for my flight is not going to come in in time. Yet, in so many ways I realize this is a fleshy, nasty fear that has no place in the Kingdom of God. Romans says "God has not given me a spirit to fall back into fear." So, So many doors have already been supernaturally opened.
A few days ago I checked the school website (www.ywamoxford.org) at the staff profiles and I'm up! It's just a goofy mini biography and an old photo but it was in someway this huge milestone to me. It's up. It's official! I'm going!
Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up with a month left in Minnesota and a whole lot of a miracles that still need to be done. But a month from now I'll be posting a last blog, anxious and unable to sleep reading to head out. Ready to do this crazy, awesome, amazing, fearful adventure that God is calling me on. I'm not perfect, I'm not even great at this, I'm scared, I've got a lot of weaknesses but my heart is willing. "Here I am God, send me."
And here are some photos from Jessi's baby shower this afternoon. Dan is sporting his "Daddy-Survival-Kit" he got from Abbi.
- The luggage that I was set to buy turned out to be on clearance from $175 to $35 the morning I went to pick it up!
- REI only had one more of the sleeping bag that I wanted and so because I was willing to take the floor model they chopped off half the price and I got a $220 sleeping bag for $47!
- Last night at a friend's bachlorette party I won $118 playing BINGO!
- All last week my old job was dealing with some crisis and needed an extra pair of hands, those hands were mine and I picked up extra hours everyday last week!
- A woman I've only met a handful of times heard about my story and donated.
- A family from church that has come around me and supported me in numerous ways in the last year gave me two substantial donations that brought me to tears.
- My church has pledged to support over 1/4 of my entire trip as soon as half the total money comes in.
A few days ago I checked the school website (www.ywamoxford.org) at the staff profiles and I'm up! It's just a goofy mini biography and an old photo but it was in someway this huge milestone to me. It's up. It's official! I'm going!
Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up with a month left in Minnesota and a whole lot of a miracles that still need to be done. But a month from now I'll be posting a last blog, anxious and unable to sleep reading to head out. Ready to do this crazy, awesome, amazing, fearful adventure that God is calling me on. I'm not perfect, I'm not even great at this, I'm scared, I've got a lot of weaknesses but my heart is willing. "Here I am God, send me."
And here are some photos from Jessi's baby shower this afternoon. Dan is sporting his "Daddy-Survival-Kit" he got from Abbi.
And all of us ladies. Myself, Izze, Abbi, Sissy and Faith Isabelle on board for a few more weeks (or days if my prayers are answered)
12 April 2012
Sacrifice and privilege
Everyday this craziness becomes more real. Last night I met with the missions board at my church and they laid hands on me and prayed for me. They prayed for my spirit, finances, the students we will be ministering to, the girls and family I will be leaving behind. It hit me when they first gathered around me, "I'm being prayed over by the missions board...this is it...I'm going..."
Then today I got an email with the details of their incredibly generous financial support. Another door has been opened and I'm being asked to walk through. Another and huge portion of the finances (more then 1/4 has been provided for).
I've been reading (and actually finished) a book by Loren Cunningham the last two days. One of the ideas he posed was, many people who've been raised "on the field" or "in the ministry"; children whose parents have been in full time ministry will often leave the faith or rebel against it in their adulthood. His theory is that often these children are only exposed to or hear the adults speaking of "the sacrifice" of serving the Kingdom, "the sacrifices of forsaking everything for the cause of Christ" And while all of the above are true and biblically commanded. His thought was that perhaps we should focus rather on the privilege and the honor of serving Christ. This was incredibly convicting for me. I know almost everything I say is heard by Isabelle's little ears. Not only is she very age appropriately noisy but she's very much like her Auntie in that she's is almost instinctively observant of the ones she loves. It seems as thou no matter how quietly I attempt to speak or how coded my conversation she'll know exactly what I'm speaking about. I know that she has gathered her own facts and has heard me talk about the sacrifice this ministry is going to cost me. The things I will miss, the struggles. I know that in many ways my leaving will not be an easy thing for Isabelle, And while I have no children of my own, she in many ways is whom I'm building a spiritual legacy for. I don't want Isabelle to look back or even try to deal with me being gone as purely sacrifice. I want her and everyone I'm a witness to right now to know and hear from me how much of a honor and privilege this venture is. Who am I that God should chose me to go, bless me with family and friends to support for me? I am blessed beyond belief to be given ranks in his army. I do not take this lightly. Yes, it will be a HUGE sacrifice and that's obvious but at the end of the day, I am speechless, tear filled and in awe of the challenge and blessing God has in front of me.
Then today I got an email with the details of their incredibly generous financial support. Another door has been opened and I'm being asked to walk through. Another and huge portion of the finances (more then 1/4 has been provided for).
I've been reading (and actually finished) a book by Loren Cunningham the last two days. One of the ideas he posed was, many people who've been raised "on the field" or "in the ministry"; children whose parents have been in full time ministry will often leave the faith or rebel against it in their adulthood. His theory is that often these children are only exposed to or hear the adults speaking of "the sacrifice" of serving the Kingdom, "the sacrifices of forsaking everything for the cause of Christ" And while all of the above are true and biblically commanded. His thought was that perhaps we should focus rather on the privilege and the honor of serving Christ. This was incredibly convicting for me. I know almost everything I say is heard by Isabelle's little ears. Not only is she very age appropriately noisy but she's very much like her Auntie in that she's is almost instinctively observant of the ones she loves. It seems as thou no matter how quietly I attempt to speak or how coded my conversation she'll know exactly what I'm speaking about. I know that she has gathered her own facts and has heard me talk about the sacrifice this ministry is going to cost me. The things I will miss, the struggles. I know that in many ways my leaving will not be an easy thing for Isabelle, And while I have no children of my own, she in many ways is whom I'm building a spiritual legacy for. I don't want Isabelle to look back or even try to deal with me being gone as purely sacrifice. I want her and everyone I'm a witness to right now to know and hear from me how much of a honor and privilege this venture is. Who am I that God should chose me to go, bless me with family and friends to support for me? I am blessed beyond belief to be given ranks in his army. I do not take this lightly. Yes, it will be a HUGE sacrifice and that's obvious but at the end of the day, I am speechless, tear filled and in awe of the challenge and blessing God has in front of me.
09 April 2012
The Official Letter
Dear Family and Friends,
I hope this letter finds everyone happy, healthy and enjoying a beautiful spring.I wanted to share with you the newest adventure God is taking me on. As most of you know in 2007 I was blessed to be a part of Youth With a Mission in New Zealand. Two weeks ago I was accepted to go back to New Zealand and staff this year's Snowboarders Discipleship Training School. I’ve being given a chance to help mentor and disciple a new generation of young missionaries. I am beyond excited, nervous, passionate, anxious and proud of be a part of YWAM again and what God is doing through their ministry. While the details have changed somewhat the school is in many ways the same. I will be heading to New Zealand in May to start staff training. In June, students will arrive and we will start the lecture phase of the school. This is the education, training, discipleship portion. In the fall we will split into smaller teams and head into the outreach phase of the school. Which is the practical, putting-the-previous-three-months into practice portion. Last year’s teams went to Turkey, India, Malaysia and Jordan.
One of the biggest obstacles in front of me right now is financial. There is physically no way I can do this on my own. Thankfully I trust in a God who does not expect me to. I know as I sit here tonight I’m not getting into New Zealand without God’s miracles through you. This is always the most humbling part of being in missions, asking people to prayerfully consider supporting financially. So I ask if you and your family would please consider supporting me in any capacity.
The first and most pressing need is for finances to purchase my flight into New Zealand along with travelers insurance which I have to have to enter the country. This will be about $1600.
The second need is for finances while in New Zealand. My base fees are $95/week. (Appx 17 weeks on base=$1650) Transportation/Activity Fee: $750 (Covers NZ transportation, school books, snowboarding costs, etc). $300 is needed for visa extensions and my New Zealand drivers license.
The third financial need is for my outreach fees due in July, $3750 (Flights to and from outreach country, room/board while abroad).
There are a few ways you can support financially. You can send a personal check written either to “YWAM Oxford” which will support all my base fees, activity fees and outreach fees or to me personally which will go to support my plane ticket, travelers insurance, visa extensions and license.
The last need and most important need is for prayer. There is a huge need, but all the money in the world could never compare to having a team at home journeying to New Zealand with me in prayer. Prayers for financial provision, protection, growth and most importantly that God would be known and honored amongst the nations. I am humbled and honored to walk this road. I am speechless at the blessings, encouragement, and joy that have already been poured out.
For those of you receiving this electronically and desire to donate or support financially please see the link on the upper left side of my blog home page. You support is appreciated more than you can know and makes this ministry a possibility. In His grace, hope, peace and truth,
Mandi
I hope this letter finds everyone happy, healthy and enjoying a beautiful spring.I wanted to share with you the newest adventure God is taking me on. As most of you know in 2007 I was blessed to be a part of Youth With a Mission in New Zealand. Two weeks ago I was accepted to go back to New Zealand and staff this year's Snowboarders Discipleship Training School. I’ve being given a chance to help mentor and disciple a new generation of young missionaries. I am beyond excited, nervous, passionate, anxious and proud of be a part of YWAM again and what God is doing through their ministry. While the details have changed somewhat the school is in many ways the same. I will be heading to New Zealand in May to start staff training. In June, students will arrive and we will start the lecture phase of the school. This is the education, training, discipleship portion. In the fall we will split into smaller teams and head into the outreach phase of the school. Which is the practical, putting-the-previous-three-months into practice portion. Last year’s teams went to Turkey, India, Malaysia and Jordan.
One of the biggest obstacles in front of me right now is financial. There is physically no way I can do this on my own. Thankfully I trust in a God who does not expect me to. I know as I sit here tonight I’m not getting into New Zealand without God’s miracles through you. This is always the most humbling part of being in missions, asking people to prayerfully consider supporting financially. So I ask if you and your family would please consider supporting me in any capacity.
The first and most pressing need is for finances to purchase my flight into New Zealand along with travelers insurance which I have to have to enter the country. This will be about $1600.
The second need is for finances while in New Zealand. My base fees are $95/week. (Appx 17 weeks on base=$1650) Transportation/Activity Fee: $750 (Covers NZ transportation, school books, snowboarding costs, etc). $300 is needed for visa extensions and my New Zealand drivers license.
The third financial need is for my outreach fees due in July, $3750 (Flights to and from outreach country, room/board while abroad).
There are a few ways you can support financially. You can send a personal check written either to “YWAM Oxford” which will support all my base fees, activity fees and outreach fees or to me personally which will go to support my plane ticket, travelers insurance, visa extensions and license.
The last need and most important need is for prayer. There is a huge need, but all the money in the world could never compare to having a team at home journeying to New Zealand with me in prayer. Prayers for financial provision, protection, growth and most importantly that God would be known and honored amongst the nations. I am humbled and honored to walk this road. I am speechless at the blessings, encouragement, and joy that have already been poured out.
For those of you receiving this electronically and desire to donate or support financially please see the link on the upper left side of my blog home page. You support is appreciated more than you can know and makes this ministry a possibility. In His grace, hope, peace and truth,
Mandi
26 February 2012
Drought
I love the new(ish) song by Aaron Shust on Christian radio. (As a almost 27 year old I realize I must be the only person in my generation who still listens to Christian radio). The songs goes,
"My hope is in you Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or by storm."
When I first heard this song I definitely clung to the power of hope. My hope is in my God all day long. There is something powerful about declaring where my hope is, even when things feel hopeless. I think I've posted it as a facebook status once or twice and have probably many more times risked my niece's ear drums while blasting it in the car. But recently (as recently as this morning when I downloaded it on my fancy new smart phone while on the treadmill) I've found myself locked on the phrase, "I won't be shaken by drought..."
I think as Christians we are prepared to seek our hope in the storm. We are prepared (in some instances) to set that jaw, plant those feet, raise those fists and fight. I realize that most storms come without warning but they are quickly identified. Take a real meteorological storm; it's sometimes easy to miss the rain. We may be inside a building, busy working, running around not looking out windows. Sometimes the beginning of the storm is easy to miss but let's be honest by the time the rain is pounding even if you're inside in a window-less room you'll hear the drops on the roof. By the time thunder and lighting come it's so obvious that you're in the middle of a storm you're prepared with an umbrella, a hood, or a plan B for your day. Right?
But what about a drought? Don't most droughts start out as a sunny day? A sunny, hot week. Weeks? At what point does a nice stretch of weather become damaging? When does too much of a good thing start effecting plants and grass? How long before the warmth of a sunny day starts to suck the life out of plant life around it? How long after that before the dryness becomes a danger, when crops start to die, water bans start, recreational fires are banned of risk of forest fire? When does too much of a good thing become a danger? (This happens a lot in Minnesota. Even in the suburbs we'll get random tumble weeds whipping through the neighborhoods).
My question is, when do we stop enjoying the hot weather and start preparing for a drought? They come as surprises don't they? While we appreciate not having to deal with storms at least they are obvious. These droughts are tricky, sneaky little buggers who can disguise themselves as a good thing for a long time.
I've found myself in a spiritual drought I think. I'm an emotional person, everyone who knows me personally and intimately will agree wholeheartedly with me on that. And while it can and has definitely wrecked havoc at times in my life as I've grown up I've started to appreciate that God has designed me as someone who feels emotion deeply and expresses it freely. I think part of my spiritual drought is that I have not had an spiritually emotional moment in a long time. I've had emotional moments recently. My sister is into her third trimester of her first pregnancy and finally has a little belly bump as my new niece has started stretching out. The excitement I feel when I lay my hands on her belly and day dream about a few months from now is sometimes hard to explain. I was in a car accident a week or two ago that turned out to be almost completely damage free but the reality of what "could've happened" shook me up for days. (And still has me driving 50 down the highway). A non-believing friend lashed out at me for a mistake I didn't realize I had made and I cried. I've been unintentional hurt by co-workers sarcasm, busyness. I've been excited to see an email to open it and get another "wait." I've been overjoyed to spend an extended weekend with my favorite girls. I've had lots of emotions in the last month but when I'm speaking of a spiritually emotional moment I'm speaking about meeting with God. I have not met with Him on an emotional level for a long time. This is new ground for me. Connecting with God emotionally is my normal mode of operation in relationship with him. Places like YWAM, IHOP, retreats, worship nights, intimate prayer, deep conversations with close friends almost always trigger an emotional and spiritual response that causes some type of movement in my walk with Christ.
Many different circumstances have kept these moments from happening lately. I didn't go to the onething conference this New Years, I've been working two jobs, am back in school on a certificate level, last fall I stepped down from a leadership role in the Jr. High ministry at my church and last Spring my leadership role in our Young adults group was dissolved through change in programming. Basically in some way, shape or form most of my normal emotional triggers have been removed from my life. This has caused two major changes in my life. Around New Years (the last emotional catalyst I can remember) a shift in my thinking happened towards a more mental way of functioning. I've realized that on a normal day I've started thinking more with my head and less with my heart. (At this point I'm not making a statement as to whether I think that is good or bad I'm just realizing that it's different). Another change is than very spiritual. My normal way of functioning has changed and so has my spiritual way of functioning. Because I have become so busy (at least until the end of the snowboarding season) I have had to become very intentional about my time and become incredibly intentional about seeking out time to meet with God since I am only participating in a corporate worship time once a week. (Which seems like next to nothing for someone like me). And so long story short I'm realizing I can't create an emotional moment between God and I. Which is both disheartening because quite frankly sometimes I really enjoy a good cry at the feet of Jesus. It's like a spiritual shot of speed. It's a big moment in a small amount of time that can keep me "high" for a while. But interesting to me because while I can't get my little "highs" as I often I feel like in some regards I'm growing in authenticity with Him. I'm not willing to fake it because I want to feel it.
And so I find myself here, in what feels like a drought. While my life does feel very frustrating at the moment. I feel like I'm in limbo in both career paths, home life and financially. At the risk of sounding super ignorant, I almost feel like a refugee. I want to go home, to my normal way of functioning, my normal way of processing, of living. But because of circumstance, many of which of completely out of my control I can't. For the moment I'm here. And it is starting to feel like a very dry place. I'm used to being passionate about everything I see and do and am a part of. I'm used to being in relationships that shake me up and push me. (I have them but because of my schedule I can't really participate in them fully right now). I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting under a yellow sky, on dry, broken grass with those big, ugly out of place tumble weeds rolling around.
Last week with tax return money I bought a Nook Tablet. (On the promise that my parent's were going to pay for part of it as a birthday present). And while looking back I should have saved the money and put it towards bills and debt I made a choice and now I'm living with it. I don't know if it's the newness of it still or not but I've been reading a lot. A lot. Like a book a day a lot. I'm almost done with Shelly Hudley's book "A Cry For Justice." I remember hearing her a few years ago at IHOP give no more than a 10 minute testimony that nearly knocked me to the floor because of how similar it was to my own. When I heard this year she had written a book I knew at some point I wanted to read it so the Nook seemed like a good excuse. (Buying the Nook was an excuse too. I need to work on those...) The main theme of the book is obviously justice and it has opened my eyes and heart to God's role of judge and his promise to pour out justice for us in ways that I have never, ever realized. It has I think started a huge, healing work in my heart but the part that stuck out to me this weekend was loving the heart of Jesus even when we don't feel it. Loving Jesus even when our healing still did not come today. Loving Jesus even when the answer was still no (or even worse not even getting an answer). Loving Jesus even when the day has been dull and dry. Loving Jesus, speaking his truth back to Him even when our hearts feel starved, dry and empty. The importance of loving Jesus even when we feel absolutely nothing in our hearts because he feels everything! Even when our hearts feel nothing, coming to Jesus in love moves His heart. I think that may be one of the most powerful things we can do as the Bride. Loving Jesus in our heads, speaking it with our mouths, believing it in our hearts even if we feel nothing.
Even in the middle of a drought....
"My hope is in you Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or by storm."
When I first heard this song I definitely clung to the power of hope. My hope is in my God all day long. There is something powerful about declaring where my hope is, even when things feel hopeless. I think I've posted it as a facebook status once or twice and have probably many more times risked my niece's ear drums while blasting it in the car. But recently (as recently as this morning when I downloaded it on my fancy new smart phone while on the treadmill) I've found myself locked on the phrase, "I won't be shaken by drought..."
I think as Christians we are prepared to seek our hope in the storm. We are prepared (in some instances) to set that jaw, plant those feet, raise those fists and fight. I realize that most storms come without warning but they are quickly identified. Take a real meteorological storm; it's sometimes easy to miss the rain. We may be inside a building, busy working, running around not looking out windows. Sometimes the beginning of the storm is easy to miss but let's be honest by the time the rain is pounding even if you're inside in a window-less room you'll hear the drops on the roof. By the time thunder and lighting come it's so obvious that you're in the middle of a storm you're prepared with an umbrella, a hood, or a plan B for your day. Right?
But what about a drought? Don't most droughts start out as a sunny day? A sunny, hot week. Weeks? At what point does a nice stretch of weather become damaging? When does too much of a good thing start effecting plants and grass? How long before the warmth of a sunny day starts to suck the life out of plant life around it? How long after that before the dryness becomes a danger, when crops start to die, water bans start, recreational fires are banned of risk of forest fire? When does too much of a good thing become a danger? (This happens a lot in Minnesota. Even in the suburbs we'll get random tumble weeds whipping through the neighborhoods).
My question is, when do we stop enjoying the hot weather and start preparing for a drought? They come as surprises don't they? While we appreciate not having to deal with storms at least they are obvious. These droughts are tricky, sneaky little buggers who can disguise themselves as a good thing for a long time.
I've found myself in a spiritual drought I think. I'm an emotional person, everyone who knows me personally and intimately will agree wholeheartedly with me on that. And while it can and has definitely wrecked havoc at times in my life as I've grown up I've started to appreciate that God has designed me as someone who feels emotion deeply and expresses it freely. I think part of my spiritual drought is that I have not had an spiritually emotional moment in a long time. I've had emotional moments recently. My sister is into her third trimester of her first pregnancy and finally has a little belly bump as my new niece has started stretching out. The excitement I feel when I lay my hands on her belly and day dream about a few months from now is sometimes hard to explain. I was in a car accident a week or two ago that turned out to be almost completely damage free but the reality of what "could've happened" shook me up for days. (And still has me driving 50 down the highway). A non-believing friend lashed out at me for a mistake I didn't realize I had made and I cried. I've been unintentional hurt by co-workers sarcasm, busyness. I've been excited to see an email to open it and get another "wait." I've been overjoyed to spend an extended weekend with my favorite girls. I've had lots of emotions in the last month but when I'm speaking of a spiritually emotional moment I'm speaking about meeting with God. I have not met with Him on an emotional level for a long time. This is new ground for me. Connecting with God emotionally is my normal mode of operation in relationship with him. Places like YWAM, IHOP, retreats, worship nights, intimate prayer, deep conversations with close friends almost always trigger an emotional and spiritual response that causes some type of movement in my walk with Christ.
Many different circumstances have kept these moments from happening lately. I didn't go to the onething conference this New Years, I've been working two jobs, am back in school on a certificate level, last fall I stepped down from a leadership role in the Jr. High ministry at my church and last Spring my leadership role in our Young adults group was dissolved through change in programming. Basically in some way, shape or form most of my normal emotional triggers have been removed from my life. This has caused two major changes in my life. Around New Years (the last emotional catalyst I can remember) a shift in my thinking happened towards a more mental way of functioning. I've realized that on a normal day I've started thinking more with my head and less with my heart. (At this point I'm not making a statement as to whether I think that is good or bad I'm just realizing that it's different). Another change is than very spiritual. My normal way of functioning has changed and so has my spiritual way of functioning. Because I have become so busy (at least until the end of the snowboarding season) I have had to become very intentional about my time and become incredibly intentional about seeking out time to meet with God since I am only participating in a corporate worship time once a week. (Which seems like next to nothing for someone like me). And so long story short I'm realizing I can't create an emotional moment between God and I. Which is both disheartening because quite frankly sometimes I really enjoy a good cry at the feet of Jesus. It's like a spiritual shot of speed. It's a big moment in a small amount of time that can keep me "high" for a while. But interesting to me because while I can't get my little "highs" as I often I feel like in some regards I'm growing in authenticity with Him. I'm not willing to fake it because I want to feel it.
And so I find myself here, in what feels like a drought. While my life does feel very frustrating at the moment. I feel like I'm in limbo in both career paths, home life and financially. At the risk of sounding super ignorant, I almost feel like a refugee. I want to go home, to my normal way of functioning, my normal way of processing, of living. But because of circumstance, many of which of completely out of my control I can't. For the moment I'm here. And it is starting to feel like a very dry place. I'm used to being passionate about everything I see and do and am a part of. I'm used to being in relationships that shake me up and push me. (I have them but because of my schedule I can't really participate in them fully right now). I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting under a yellow sky, on dry, broken grass with those big, ugly out of place tumble weeds rolling around.
Last week with tax return money I bought a Nook Tablet. (On the promise that my parent's were going to pay for part of it as a birthday present). And while looking back I should have saved the money and put it towards bills and debt I made a choice and now I'm living with it. I don't know if it's the newness of it still or not but I've been reading a lot. A lot. Like a book a day a lot. I'm almost done with Shelly Hudley's book "A Cry For Justice." I remember hearing her a few years ago at IHOP give no more than a 10 minute testimony that nearly knocked me to the floor because of how similar it was to my own. When I heard this year she had written a book I knew at some point I wanted to read it so the Nook seemed like a good excuse. (Buying the Nook was an excuse too. I need to work on those...) The main theme of the book is obviously justice and it has opened my eyes and heart to God's role of judge and his promise to pour out justice for us in ways that I have never, ever realized. It has I think started a huge, healing work in my heart but the part that stuck out to me this weekend was loving the heart of Jesus even when we don't feel it. Loving Jesus even when our healing still did not come today. Loving Jesus even when the answer was still no (or even worse not even getting an answer). Loving Jesus even when the day has been dull and dry. Loving Jesus, speaking his truth back to Him even when our hearts feel starved, dry and empty. The importance of loving Jesus even when we feel absolutely nothing in our hearts because he feels everything! Even when our hearts feel nothing, coming to Jesus in love moves His heart. I think that may be one of the most powerful things we can do as the Bride. Loving Jesus in our heads, speaking it with our mouths, believing it in our hearts even if we feel nothing.
Even in the middle of a drought....
15 November 2010
There is more...
Well I finished. My official time was 1:57:52. Two full minutes under goal time. There is more of a story to it and if I cared enough I would maybe spend the time it needs to write it like an adventure. I cried at the finish line and the last five minutes of the race are burned into my memory forever, some day that first race will prove to have taught me something and when it's valuable I will tell the story.
But for now there is something more important. My God and what it feels like to me to walk away from him. Months ago I found myself in what I later recanted as an undue fear. I spent many months of my summer and early fall sucking the life out of most moments, feeling everything deeply, laughing loudly, crying hard and depositing everything into my heart and mind as a time in my life like I have not known. I lived for the moment, confidant to stay there and enjoy it as it came. As dark came earlier in my days, a familiar and evil poison began to fill the hallways in my home and in my heart. I closed my ears and the eyes of my heart. Transitioning into a new job where my skin must get thicker and thicker everyday I find every excuse to block out my heart and my mind from the sweet, small voice of the one who offers me REAL life.
I find an uncaring discontentment amidst what can only be called peace in most areas of my life. Nothing makes me happy, fear creeps in places where it does not belong, areas of anger and depression creep up in the most inconvenient places and choke out the joy and the life of my days.
Where someone that I love has named their current journey rebellion, I don't know what to call mine other than defeat. I find fear in the ways that He no longer offers contentment and joy. He does not bring smiles or raise hands. I struggle to find ways to make myself beneficial, worth-while, beautiful without Him but I come up empty. I struggle; without Him I can't love and you can't love me. Without Him, I really have nothing left.
Why would I want to live like this? I don't think I do anymore. This morning I could not sleep so I finally pulled myself out of bed an hour before the alarm and did my morning routine leaving me with plenty of time to sit in front of the fire and read with a cup of coffee. Not that I'm reading anything that will effect eternity but it was better in my mind than facebook. I decided I'd try to make some small change so I turned the radio on and away from the radio station it's found itself on lately. I curled into my corner with the dog and tried reading. But I couldn't' fully commit my mind to the words, it kept straying to the music, the words, the comfort of songs I've known, heard, sang, cried, laughed, danced to for the past 25 years. I was aware of a very real pain creeping in the underside of my stomach as I let His worship wash over me. Where I could've given over to it, allowed myself to crumple in a pile or tears and sobs and begging and repenting and rending, I didn't. I stopped for a while, I put my book down and came here to try to get it all out. I don't know if I won't give over to it because I know that I have to be to work soon and having to redo my makeup and outfit and clean up after myself would be impossible, I don't know if I held back because I really am livingg in the rebellion that I see, I don't know if I won't give myself over to Him because I'm scared that I've walked to far and His love can't reach me. I don't know why I couldn't give myself over to Him today but I suppose that feeling His touch in my heart and the distraction is was to trying to read, the pain in knowing and admitting that I've walked away from the fold of His heart, I suppose that would be the first small ray of heat to the frost that has chilled my heart.
I have known this place before. In 2007 I found myself in a place of apathy in my relationship with Him. I knew if something did not change the frost would turn to ice and I would never break free. If something didn't shake me in 2007, I knew my life would never change. For me, in 2007 it was YWAM and leaving and having to find myself and my own journey. (On which and of which I failed miserably). I will be honest when I say I don't want to do something like that again, I don't want to leave, nor do I honestly believe it's something God would call me to again. (But lets me honest, I'm not really in a listening and doing mood am I?) I've struggled a lot this year in how I view life and relationships. I went from being and allowing myself to be affected by everyone I am in relationship with and thinking that was how life was meant to be lived out; intense and with a lot of emotion. Bouncy, bubbly, busy I ran from thing to thing to thing to keep my mind busy and my heart from experiencing my dissatisfaction and pain with where I find myself on this side of 25. At some point in the summer I hit a wall or a turning point or some major change and found myself adopting the principal that life is all one big game, to survive play smart and play hard but play and be in control. I pulled myself out of most friendships that I had and had worked hard to maintain to take time to invest in the ones that I was absolutely sure about, I took time to transition well into a new job, a new season, an attempt at dealing with the pain of school and debt, long distance relationships and major changes in long and accepted ways of life for me. I have spent time re-prioritizing my time, my relationships, the things in life that I deem important. I have spent countless hours, days and sleepless nights trying to restrain, regain, and control my heart and mind and the things that effect it. I've tried my hand at making my own decisions and trying new things. I don't know what is going to change 2010 the way that 2007 was changed. I don't know if it's fair for me to struggle again, so soon.
But for me, to feel Him, even in the pain, the arrogance, the rebellion, the fear, the apathy for Him to meet me there this morning...It was something. I don't know what it was. It was a candle flicker in a long, dark tunnel right now. It was a flicker that maybe there is hope. That maybe He will meet me in the muck and disappointment of this life and replace it with something...else.
Sometimes the only prayer that I've been able to prayer lately is that He would protect the little ones, that I would have the strength to walk this with these kids, that He would protect your heart and your mind, that He would meet you where you are, that He would protect our relationship as we each walk our own dark season. But today, this morning I pray that He would give me the strength to see that the Spring is coming. (Which is ironic because in the analogy, our Spring would actually be winter since I'm a snow...never mind.) I pray that moments like this morning would continue to intrude my life and my plans until I find myself full surrendered in His arms again. I'm leaving the radio on even after I leave for work. The dog will like it and I want His name pouring into all the rooms of this home. I'm not sure what I can do, how to walk this out but I'm still pretty dang sure of what His name can do.
And maybe tomorrow I will get another flicker.
But for now there is something more important. My God and what it feels like to me to walk away from him. Months ago I found myself in what I later recanted as an undue fear. I spent many months of my summer and early fall sucking the life out of most moments, feeling everything deeply, laughing loudly, crying hard and depositing everything into my heart and mind as a time in my life like I have not known. I lived for the moment, confidant to stay there and enjoy it as it came. As dark came earlier in my days, a familiar and evil poison began to fill the hallways in my home and in my heart. I closed my ears and the eyes of my heart. Transitioning into a new job where my skin must get thicker and thicker everyday I find every excuse to block out my heart and my mind from the sweet, small voice of the one who offers me REAL life.
I find an uncaring discontentment amidst what can only be called peace in most areas of my life. Nothing makes me happy, fear creeps in places where it does not belong, areas of anger and depression creep up in the most inconvenient places and choke out the joy and the life of my days.
Where someone that I love has named their current journey rebellion, I don't know what to call mine other than defeat. I find fear in the ways that He no longer offers contentment and joy. He does not bring smiles or raise hands. I struggle to find ways to make myself beneficial, worth-while, beautiful without Him but I come up empty. I struggle; without Him I can't love and you can't love me. Without Him, I really have nothing left.
Why would I want to live like this? I don't think I do anymore. This morning I could not sleep so I finally pulled myself out of bed an hour before the alarm and did my morning routine leaving me with plenty of time to sit in front of the fire and read with a cup of coffee. Not that I'm reading anything that will effect eternity but it was better in my mind than facebook. I decided I'd try to make some small change so I turned the radio on and away from the radio station it's found itself on lately. I curled into my corner with the dog and tried reading. But I couldn't' fully commit my mind to the words, it kept straying to the music, the words, the comfort of songs I've known, heard, sang, cried, laughed, danced to for the past 25 years. I was aware of a very real pain creeping in the underside of my stomach as I let His worship wash over me. Where I could've given over to it, allowed myself to crumple in a pile or tears and sobs and begging and repenting and rending, I didn't. I stopped for a while, I put my book down and came here to try to get it all out. I don't know if I won't give over to it because I know that I have to be to work soon and having to redo my makeup and outfit and clean up after myself would be impossible, I don't know if I held back because I really am livingg in the rebellion that I see, I don't know if I won't give myself over to Him because I'm scared that I've walked to far and His love can't reach me. I don't know why I couldn't give myself over to Him today but I suppose that feeling His touch in my heart and the distraction is was to trying to read, the pain in knowing and admitting that I've walked away from the fold of His heart, I suppose that would be the first small ray of heat to the frost that has chilled my heart.
I have known this place before. In 2007 I found myself in a place of apathy in my relationship with Him. I knew if something did not change the frost would turn to ice and I would never break free. If something didn't shake me in 2007, I knew my life would never change. For me, in 2007 it was YWAM and leaving and having to find myself and my own journey. (On which and of which I failed miserably). I will be honest when I say I don't want to do something like that again, I don't want to leave, nor do I honestly believe it's something God would call me to again. (But lets me honest, I'm not really in a listening and doing mood am I?) I've struggled a lot this year in how I view life and relationships. I went from being and allowing myself to be affected by everyone I am in relationship with and thinking that was how life was meant to be lived out; intense and with a lot of emotion. Bouncy, bubbly, busy I ran from thing to thing to thing to keep my mind busy and my heart from experiencing my dissatisfaction and pain with where I find myself on this side of 25. At some point in the summer I hit a wall or a turning point or some major change and found myself adopting the principal that life is all one big game, to survive play smart and play hard but play and be in control. I pulled myself out of most friendships that I had and had worked hard to maintain to take time to invest in the ones that I was absolutely sure about, I took time to transition well into a new job, a new season, an attempt at dealing with the pain of school and debt, long distance relationships and major changes in long and accepted ways of life for me. I have spent time re-prioritizing my time, my relationships, the things in life that I deem important. I have spent countless hours, days and sleepless nights trying to restrain, regain, and control my heart and mind and the things that effect it. I've tried my hand at making my own decisions and trying new things. I don't know what is going to change 2010 the way that 2007 was changed. I don't know if it's fair for me to struggle again, so soon.
But for me, to feel Him, even in the pain, the arrogance, the rebellion, the fear, the apathy for Him to meet me there this morning...It was something. I don't know what it was. It was a candle flicker in a long, dark tunnel right now. It was a flicker that maybe there is hope. That maybe He will meet me in the muck and disappointment of this life and replace it with something...else.
Sometimes the only prayer that I've been able to prayer lately is that He would protect the little ones, that I would have the strength to walk this with these kids, that He would protect your heart and your mind, that He would meet you where you are, that He would protect our relationship as we each walk our own dark season. But today, this morning I pray that He would give me the strength to see that the Spring is coming. (Which is ironic because in the analogy, our Spring would actually be winter since I'm a snow...never mind.) I pray that moments like this morning would continue to intrude my life and my plans until I find myself full surrendered in His arms again. I'm leaving the radio on even after I leave for work. The dog will like it and I want His name pouring into all the rooms of this home. I'm not sure what I can do, how to walk this out but I'm still pretty dang sure of what His name can do.
And maybe tomorrow I will get another flicker.
29 October 2010
Night before...
In less then 12 hours I hope to be done with it. If I can hit my goal time I will be done with this race in 12 hours from now.
I'm nervous. Thoughts like what if I don't have it in me, what if I don't have what it takes, what if the desire to quit overrides the desire to finish?
I think I got most nervous when I went downtown to pick up my packet. Seeing my name on a bib that says "10 mile". It looks so big written down. I also to glimpse the finishers medal. So much of me is fighting for that medal. I've never had won. I've never won anything. The fear and not quite understand truly how much pain I will be in, in only a few hours are still outweighed right now by the desire to have that medal around my neck. To show up at the parade and show my little niece what her Auntie has done.
I want to do this thing. I really, really, really want to finish this. In under two hours. :)
I'm nervous. Thoughts like what if I don't have it in me, what if I don't have what it takes, what if the desire to quit overrides the desire to finish?
I think I got most nervous when I went downtown to pick up my packet. Seeing my name on a bib that says "10 mile". It looks so big written down. I also to glimpse the finishers medal. So much of me is fighting for that medal. I've never had won. I've never won anything. The fear and not quite understand truly how much pain I will be in, in only a few hours are still outweighed right now by the desire to have that medal around my neck. To show up at the parade and show my little niece what her Auntie has done.
I want to do this thing. I really, really, really want to finish this. In under two hours. :)
25 October 2010
6 days and counting...
Today is Monday, Saturday I race.
I signed up for a facebook app that will update my fcebook as I cross each mile marker so my family, friends and fans can follow my progress through the miles. Read: I added a pointless piece of crap to my facebook page so for a few minutes of my day I can believe that someone out there cares whether or not I finish this thing.
I just told my Mom I am taking her to Disney World for Christmas. Well not for Christmas, for the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Feburary. There is no going back now, I'm going to run a marathon in my 26th year!!
I say publically that I don't care whether or not anyone is at the finish, at this point in my training and my week I just want the thing to be over. I just want to be done training, done fantasizing, done with this thing. I'm scared, I'm wondering now if I really have what it takes to finish this thing. I have not lost any weight, in fact I think I might be doing the oppisite, is it possible that while I've been working out like a crazy person I've actually been gaining weight and that my face looks puffy?
I'ts convienrent for my training that I'm hurting tonight. That silly kind of hurt that you would never admit to publically because it would just reveal how pathetic you are. That kind of hurt. That makes you cry when you are alone in your car but swear your ok when someone texts you? The kind of hurt that makes you listen to smutty rap music and run hard and fast, happy that the weights are your ankles are cutting holes into your feet? Yea, I'm there tonight. Aware that I'm fully PMS-ing but still aware that your heart stings for good reason? I run harder on those nights. I care less about how much it hurts. I wonder if I can hold onto that until Saturday? If that can be enough to push me 10 miles...
I bought new running shoes. They are my dream shoes in the wrong color. I love them.
I signed up for a facebook app that will update my fcebook as I cross each mile marker so my family, friends and fans can follow my progress through the miles. Read: I added a pointless piece of crap to my facebook page so for a few minutes of my day I can believe that someone out there cares whether or not I finish this thing.
I just told my Mom I am taking her to Disney World for Christmas. Well not for Christmas, for the Disney Princess Half Marathon in Feburary. There is no going back now, I'm going to run a marathon in my 26th year!!
I say publically that I don't care whether or not anyone is at the finish, at this point in my training and my week I just want the thing to be over. I just want to be done training, done fantasizing, done with this thing. I'm scared, I'm wondering now if I really have what it takes to finish this thing. I have not lost any weight, in fact I think I might be doing the oppisite, is it possible that while I've been working out like a crazy person I've actually been gaining weight and that my face looks puffy?
I'ts convienrent for my training that I'm hurting tonight. That silly kind of hurt that you would never admit to publically because it would just reveal how pathetic you are. That kind of hurt. That makes you cry when you are alone in your car but swear your ok when someone texts you? The kind of hurt that makes you listen to smutty rap music and run hard and fast, happy that the weights are your ankles are cutting holes into your feet? Yea, I'm there tonight. Aware that I'm fully PMS-ing but still aware that your heart stings for good reason? I run harder on those nights. I care less about how much it hurts. I wonder if I can hold onto that until Saturday? If that can be enough to push me 10 miles...
I bought new running shoes. They are my dream shoes in the wrong color. I love them.
12 October 2010
Do I care?
I have been away from the blog for a few days. I've also been away from my neurotic ways of working and eating. I've still been at the gym busting ass but I have started to feel the effects. I'm trying in my ignorant ways to keep myself at the pace I'm going but not allow the pains and old injuries to turn into something that actually stops me from doing what I need to do.
Finish that race in under 2 hours.
I'm starting to get scared that might not happen. I'm wondering if my pace is upping quick enough, if my mileage is upping soon enough. If I care enough.
I was out of town with the Jr. Highers this week. Staying in the moment and investing in kids that do life better than me. I love those kids. I love talking to them because I actually believe what I say sometimes. It's been what feels like a lifetime since the last time I was here, a lot has happened in that time and I feel like I have been there now. Like I've been into the throne room of Christ, I've seen His face and felt His touch. And I'm so convinced that it was real that I have something to give them. I have the scent of Him on me sometimes.
I went to a friends softball game last night. Got a little goofy and liked an excuse to keep myself in the moment and not worry about the things that surround me. I find myself holding my breath still, waiting for my life.
I started daydreaming about the finish line today. I was driving to my Mom's and started thinking about what it would feel like to see it in my sights, to summon the strength to break into that last sprint, to look over and see Izze, Jenny, my Mom cheering me on. I was not scared today, I'm not scared that I won't make it, I'm not scared that odds are none of those ladies will be at the finish line, I'm not scared that the clock is going to say 2.20 when I'm coming in. I'm scared because I really didn't care if that is reality. I was scared because I don't know if I care anymore.
Finish that race in under 2 hours.
I'm starting to get scared that might not happen. I'm wondering if my pace is upping quick enough, if my mileage is upping soon enough. If I care enough.
I was out of town with the Jr. Highers this week. Staying in the moment and investing in kids that do life better than me. I love those kids. I love talking to them because I actually believe what I say sometimes. It's been what feels like a lifetime since the last time I was here, a lot has happened in that time and I feel like I have been there now. Like I've been into the throne room of Christ, I've seen His face and felt His touch. And I'm so convinced that it was real that I have something to give them. I have the scent of Him on me sometimes.
I went to a friends softball game last night. Got a little goofy and liked an excuse to keep myself in the moment and not worry about the things that surround me. I find myself holding my breath still, waiting for my life.
I started daydreaming about the finish line today. I was driving to my Mom's and started thinking about what it would feel like to see it in my sights, to summon the strength to break into that last sprint, to look over and see Izze, Jenny, my Mom cheering me on. I was not scared today, I'm not scared that I won't make it, I'm not scared that odds are none of those ladies will be at the finish line, I'm not scared that the clock is going to say 2.20 when I'm coming in. I'm scared because I really didn't care if that is reality. I was scared because I don't know if I care anymore.
05 October 2010
No going back now.
This morning I registered for the race...
This afternoon I don't know how smart of an idea that is. My morning workout went as well as I expected it to. Another 3 miles straight which was another small success. (This morning thou I did sweat and as much as I tried could not barter the adult part of myself out of a shower).
My workday was evidence enough that my afternoon at the gym was going to be interesting. Twice I had to break a preschooler. (I will take him on a "motor break" when he starts getting overly antsy in class and is nearing the verge of losing control of his body). Typically I drag him along through the halls (our school is built in a circle making this perfect) always a few steps ahead so that he has to keep a pretty good pace to keep up with me, thus tiring him out and sending him back to class a little calmer. Well today by our second lap around the school he was dragging me. My legs are tight and my knees are begging me to quit.
I had a ministry meeting in-between work and workout so my body got a lot of time to sit and do nothing while I was stuck in traffic on the highway. This is the first time I've headed to the gym hungry. I've kept my diet incredibly restricted and regulated this week. Counting out portions and employing more measuring cups and plastic baggies then I care to admit to. I should have known I was in trouble when I was still daydreaming about food as I walked into the gym. By the time I was changed and ready to hit the treadmill again my muscles had morphed into red hot fire pokers ripping through my legs. My shoulders and back ache. And so out of hunger, physical pain and mental exhaustion I let myself quit at a half mile. I got on a bike and pulled out 4 miles in 20 minutes and headed to the grocery store.
Part of my brain is telling me it was a smart choice. I limped out of the gym and wouldn't bend my left knee because of the pain in my thighs. (Which is actually quite a sight. As I've gotten older we've begun to realize that I'm pretty bow legged. I actually wear through shoes really awkwardly because I walk with my feet pointed outward (a drastic difference from my sister whose completely pigeon toed) and walk on the outside of my heels. When I realize it I will occasionally make a conscious choice to walk with my feet uncomfortably straight because I think it looks dainty and lady like. Snowboard boots and flip flops look ok turned outward but ballerina flats and heels look out of place when they stick out sideways. Anyways at twenty five my knees have turned outward and point to the sides. It's not crippling and most of the time it's only the people spend lots of time with me or ironically children who seem to notice. So it's quite funny to watch me when I'm in that much pain that I will keep my knee clenched straight instead of bending it to walk normally. I will step down straight as if my foot is connected to my hip but my knee will swing so far out that it extends even farther out then my hip and shoulder. I must look like such a goon). I came home, showered and prepared my small group lesson for tomorrow nights ministry with the 8th grade girls.
I'm telling myself that my 4 mile bike is counting for a rest day and I will try again tomorrow. I'll be wearing a new Twins shirt that got left behind by someone who decided to sneak into my car while I was at work and leave it there. It's got the fancy American League Central Division Champions logo on it and was left with a note that said, "Sorry about your loss." So I will wear it tomorrow for game one to spit whoever it is that left it there as one last dig at my White Sox this year.
I'm registered. I have sixty four George Washington resembling reasons not quit and with my measly paycheck this month that is reason enough. Part of me is scared, today was day three and I allowed myself to quit. What's going to stop me from quitting during the race? How am I ever going to hit 10?The pain was too much to push through today and I wused out.
When we send kids home because they can't stay in school my co-worker always sends them out with, "Ok buddy, we'll try again tomorrow."
"Ok Mandi, we'll try again tomorrow."
This afternoon I don't know how smart of an idea that is. My morning workout went as well as I expected it to. Another 3 miles straight which was another small success. (This morning thou I did sweat and as much as I tried could not barter the adult part of myself out of a shower).
My workday was evidence enough that my afternoon at the gym was going to be interesting. Twice I had to break a preschooler. (I will take him on a "motor break" when he starts getting overly antsy in class and is nearing the verge of losing control of his body). Typically I drag him along through the halls (our school is built in a circle making this perfect) always a few steps ahead so that he has to keep a pretty good pace to keep up with me, thus tiring him out and sending him back to class a little calmer. Well today by our second lap around the school he was dragging me. My legs are tight and my knees are begging me to quit.
I had a ministry meeting in-between work and workout so my body got a lot of time to sit and do nothing while I was stuck in traffic on the highway. This is the first time I've headed to the gym hungry. I've kept my diet incredibly restricted and regulated this week. Counting out portions and employing more measuring cups and plastic baggies then I care to admit to. I should have known I was in trouble when I was still daydreaming about food as I walked into the gym. By the time I was changed and ready to hit the treadmill again my muscles had morphed into red hot fire pokers ripping through my legs. My shoulders and back ache. And so out of hunger, physical pain and mental exhaustion I let myself quit at a half mile. I got on a bike and pulled out 4 miles in 20 minutes and headed to the grocery store.
Part of my brain is telling me it was a smart choice. I limped out of the gym and wouldn't bend my left knee because of the pain in my thighs. (Which is actually quite a sight. As I've gotten older we've begun to realize that I'm pretty bow legged. I actually wear through shoes really awkwardly because I walk with my feet pointed outward (a drastic difference from my sister whose completely pigeon toed) and walk on the outside of my heels. When I realize it I will occasionally make a conscious choice to walk with my feet uncomfortably straight because I think it looks dainty and lady like. Snowboard boots and flip flops look ok turned outward but ballerina flats and heels look out of place when they stick out sideways. Anyways at twenty five my knees have turned outward and point to the sides. It's not crippling and most of the time it's only the people spend lots of time with me or ironically children who seem to notice. So it's quite funny to watch me when I'm in that much pain that I will keep my knee clenched straight instead of bending it to walk normally. I will step down straight as if my foot is connected to my hip but my knee will swing so far out that it extends even farther out then my hip and shoulder. I must look like such a goon). I came home, showered and prepared my small group lesson for tomorrow nights ministry with the 8th grade girls.
I'm telling myself that my 4 mile bike is counting for a rest day and I will try again tomorrow. I'll be wearing a new Twins shirt that got left behind by someone who decided to sneak into my car while I was at work and leave it there. It's got the fancy American League Central Division Champions logo on it and was left with a note that said, "Sorry about your loss." So I will wear it tomorrow for game one to spit whoever it is that left it there as one last dig at my White Sox this year.
I'm registered. I have sixty four George Washington resembling reasons not quit and with my measly paycheck this month that is reason enough. Part of me is scared, today was day three and I allowed myself to quit. What's going to stop me from quitting during the race? How am I ever going to hit 10?The pain was too much to push through today and I wused out.
When we send kids home because they can't stay in school my co-worker always sends them out with, "Ok buddy, we'll try again tomorrow."
"Ok Mandi, we'll try again tomorrow."
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