Do I care?

I have been away from the blog for a few days. I've also been away from my neurotic ways of working and eating. I've still been at the gym busting ass but I have started to feel the effects. I'm trying in my ignorant ways to keep myself at the pace I'm going but not allow the pains and old injuries to turn into something that actually stops me from doing what I need to do.

Finish that race in under 2 hours.

I'm starting to get scared that might not happen. I'm wondering if my pace is upping quick enough, if my mileage is upping soon enough. If I care enough.

I was out of town with the Jr. Highers this week. Staying in the moment and investing in kids that do life better than me. I love those kids. I love talking to them because I actually believe what I say sometimes. It's been what feels like a lifetime since the last time I was here, a lot has happened in that time and I feel like I have been there now. Like I've been into the throne room of Christ, I've seen His face and felt His touch. And I'm so convinced that it was real that I have something to give them. I have the scent of Him on me sometimes.

I went to a friends softball game last night. Got a little goofy and liked an excuse to keep myself in the moment and not worry about the things that surround me. I find myself holding my breath still, waiting for my life.

I started daydreaming about the finish line today. I was driving to my Mom's and started thinking about what it would feel like to see it in my sights, to summon the strength to break into that last sprint, to look over and see Izze, Jenny, my Mom cheering me on. I was not scared today, I'm not scared that I won't make it, I'm not scared that odds are none of those ladies will be at the finish line, I'm not scared that the clock is going to say 2.20 when I'm coming in. I'm scared because I really didn't care if that is reality. I was scared because I don't know if I care anymore.