10 in 10.

DO OVER! I'm starting over.

The blog at least. Pretend you don't know me. Or maybe you don't. Start reading now. From now on I plan on being this amazing writer with an even more amazing life that will  keep you glued to your screen and find yourself distracted at work hoping and wishing for my next entry. Maybe now would be a good time to start reading.

Or maybe not. I'm find myself on the tail end of 25 and when I look around me, as much as I love my life and the people and things that surround me, I cannot help but see and feel failure in every area of life that I am.

Its hard for me to say that. To admit to it, or to find people or places in life where I can. I am in a place both in my job and my ministry in which I have and instill immense value in other peoples life. I have what I know to be an invaluable gift to see the best in people. (Particularly the people that are under the age of 18). I spend my days investing in the best of us and teaching and learning and journeying with people who deserve success. I can see doctors and lawyers and basketball players and CEO's in kids written off with ADHD, Autism, EBD and just plain naughty. I can see 8th grade girls walking in the freedom and beauty of Christ where the rest of the world sees the lost and the broken and the young. The immature and the unwilling. When I think of my "sisters"; Jen, Jess and Abbi, my niece Isabelle, when I view their present circumstances, when I dream about their futures I can see what I only can describe as beautiful. Success is too small of a word. They can, they are, they will.

But when I look at me I can't. I can see it in everyone else. In the people I love, the beautiful, wonderful, people I live my life with. The people God has entrusted into my hands. Even the people I don't love, the people who don't smell good, the ones you don't want to scoop into your arms and cuddle and love. Even there for the sheer fact that justice must exist and that this life owes them another shot, even those lives I can see hope. I love to see hope in. I love to fight for.

But me. I'm a different story. When I look at me I see,

Finances so f-ed that I have long since accepted the fact that I will never be on the other side of debt. I have understood that the choices I made as a child, as a teenager with my money will follow me into adulthood, will follow me for the rest of my life. I have spent the last many years learning how to cling on for dear life by a finger hold or two. Sometimes it comes to the point where all I am clinging on by is one last finger. I'm a good person, I was a good kid. I just got a letter that the people who are suing me have defaulted the lawsuit on me. I don't know what the means but I know it means I'm in trouble. I know it means that a little bit wasn't good enough and that trying to hide it all and figure it all out on my own didn't work this time. I know it means that karma has come right around to bite me and running away from the scary things won't work anymore.

I've not so publicly taken the semester off. When I do actually come to the point of being able to say that out loud it will be because I need time to help myself transition into a new job. (Which is mostly true). But the truest part about it is, It's a last ditch effort to not fail out of my private Christian school at my 4th attempt at getting through school with my BA. Not my Masters or my PH.D my bachelors.

I'm single. Which is something that scares me. It didn't used to, but now it does. One of my best friends told me this morning I need to learn how to take care of myself before I bring someone else into the mix. Which I know is true, I know it's especially true in her mind in light of the conversations she's walked into with me in the last few weeks. But I think at 25, (on the tail end of 25) your supposed to know how to take care of yourself. There are a lot of things that we think we're supposed to have figured out that we never will and I'm ok with that part of being human but there are a lot of things I think I'm supposed to know by now, that I don't. Or if I know them, I don't do them. Or I don't do them well. Any of the above choices is failure in my mind.

I've unexpectedly found myself on an Autumn time journey of self discovery  but I'm not sure I like what I'm finding but I'm pretty sure no one else does. I think I'm not as great a friend as I give myself credit for. I'm quieter then I thought I was. (Well sometimes). The things that I used to be incredibly sensitive about don't bother me as much anymore, but new things do. And instead of tears it seems my new default emotion is anger. While I have found myself managing to get through life by a few fingers gripping this side of the mountain, it seems the only finger still holding on is my middle one.

And so I'm running.

I don't know whether I'm running to keep my head above water. I don't know if I'm running because I could drown if I don't, and I'm really scared of what drowning looks like today. I don't know if I'm running because I'm stressed, because I'm scared, because I'm sad, or because this is a socially acceptable way to keep on running away. I don't really know why I'm running yet, but I'm willing to find out.

I guess for October, I'm willing to explore. I'm guess I willing to find out at least on the run, who I am, why I'm running, or what I'm running for.

So I'm running.

And I start tomorrow. I'm running a 10 mile race on Halloween weekend and I start training tomorrow. October 4th. I should probably tell you, I haven't been to the gym since August.

It's crazy and trust me I know by no means is this the typical (or honestly healthy) way to train for a run. But it excites me. If there is anyone who would want to do something crazy like this it would be me. If there is anyone who could choose the intense control and disciple it's going to take to survive this thing I can. If there is anyone who needs a goal, as simple and shallow as a race may be, it's me. If there is anyone who needs something to work for, something you can see and feel and touch to remind me I'm still human it's me. If there is anyone who needs something to strive for, to work for, to be proud of it's me. I need to know there is something out there that I don't fail at.

And so I'm running, and I'm writing about it.