Ok Lord, how do we proceed now?

We're coming up to the end of week one. What a ride!!

I think one of the biggest realizations I've had so far is, this is way harder than I thought it would be. Not that I don't love what I'm doing, not that I'm not blessed beyond belief but it's hard work. Every single second must be intentional, intentionally loving, intentionally speaking, intentionally going and coming and watching and praying. Being a member of the "Lord's army" and those cheesy little Sunday school songs take on whole new meaning when you must live as though any minute you could be pressed from every side and must be ready to stand and enter into battle with the evil one. I think at this point I do believe Kim and others who've told me you do learn more as a staff person than you do as a student. (Not that I'm not praying heaps of new wisdom and knowledge for my students).

I love Jesus. I really love my Lord who just is so perfectly obsessive over details because no matter what we're going to mess them up. I am convinced we can try as hard as we can to protect every portion of the wall and Satan is going to find the one crack to assault. And so you act, you move the troops over and protect the crack in the wall. And he keeps finding more and you keep moving the troops and fighting the battles as they come. That's kind of the essence of this life isn't it? That fighting won't be done until He's come. We wait with hope and joy and thankfulness, trying our best to be steadfast in the time being but so painfully aware of the heights from which we have fallen. I look at the things my students are struggling with, namely identity. God has such good purposes for people, for identity's, for the things that make us, us; our names. Satan is so crafty in the way that he chooses to manipulate those identity's into something that semi resembles the truth, that almost fits into the kingdom. But Satan's best lie is 99% the truth, it's that 1% that always has and always will separate. I'm so thankful to witness God being to shatter these false identity's and beliefs my brothers and sisters have been holding to. (I am continually thankful for years of amazing examples, awesome teaching, healing and deliverance in this area).

I am so thankful for my girls! SO immensely happy in who they are and blessed by their willingness and honesty in this time. I understand how rare it is to find a group of girls SO totally different from each other but so able to unite and live together in peace. I am just overwhelmed by the joy, humor, humbleness, peace, and grace each one of them brings to the table. As the first week wraps up we've had our first small group meeting, lots of one on one meetings, first groups belly laughs, late night conversations, etc.
**Specific prayer requests for my girls....Miss Sarah Lou broke her wrist on the mountain on Wednesday. They have her in a plaster cast right now that's partially cut to help with swelling. I have to take her in next Friday for more x-rays and to put on the full cast. I am praying for a complete healing of her bones so when they review the x-rays they will not need to cast her arm. Soph and Alyssa are both from the Colorado Springs area. There families are both safe at this time but Sophie's family has been put on pre-evac and Alyssa's family can see the smoke and darkness from their porch. Prayers that the fires would be put out quickly and the girls families and homes would be safe.

Wednesday was the first day on the mountain at Porters. The day started incredibly cloudy and windy. To the point where they stop the t-bar (which I HATE using) and if the wind slows down enough for you to look up from your scarf you can't see the person in front or behind you. After a few hours it did clear up though and the day ended well. Sarah girl attempted to hit her first rail though, which did not end well. I took her to ski patrol who said pretty definitively that she'd fractured her wrist and we should get her some x-rays. So we did some shifting of vans and I took Sarah and Janie back to base to switch into a car and unto Christchurch to get x-rayed, casted, and sent on a little adventure. (As I got lost on the way home). We're thankful for supernatural provision though as a man gave us free parking in the front row of the hospital and Sarah was seen immediately and in, xrayed, and casted within an hour and a half.

Yesterday was a two Segars day. Segars is a FABULOUS little cook school/cafe in Oxford. It's run by Jo Segar who started the Italian cook school there. It's a small little place that I only visited once when I was here for DTS. One of the best things about Segar's is it's atmosphere. (Not to mention central heating). For some reason it reminds me of IHOP (the house of prayer not pancakes). I don't know if it's the candles of what but some smell reminds me of IHOP and the soft lighting, quiet seating, etc. A wonderful little escape. So I went twice yesterday.... Once with 4 of my girls for a coffee/caramel fix and once just with one to get a good quiet conversation in. God bless Segar's!

Please continue to pray for me. My family at home. (My Izze girl will be 7 tomorrow my time!!!!!) I can't believe where time has gone. I know people say it all the time but I still remember walking into that hospital room and seeing my baby sister holding her baby. My Mom handing her to me the first time and knowing without ever having any conversation with her, without ever even seeing her whole body, just one look at her, one time of her in my arms and I would not think twice about giving my life for her. There is nothing she could ask me to do that I wouldn't do. She has my entire heart captured in her. I am so incredibly thankful for my Izze baby. So glad I'm her Auntie. I'm so thankful for the ways in which I understand God's heart of love for me because of my heart of love for her. "And if you then, who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children how much more will your Father give good gifts of those who ask him." Matthew 7:11. I am so proud of my girl, so happy in who she is, I miss her so much and am still as in love with that little person as I was the day I first held her!

So please pray some blessings on her new year. Her new home (along with the rest of my family who has moved), her Grandparents (who celebrate their anniversary on her birthday), her new cousin (whose getting bigger and cuter everyday) and her Great Grandfather who continues to battle major health issues.

And please pray for us here. Satan is crafty. Decisions are hard. But God is good, he is powerful and I know that I know that I know that I know that He has already won complete victory. He already has our lives planned and His will perfected. In my flesh I grow weary, in Him I do not worry.

Janie and Sarah at Christchurch hospital.

We begin...

I struggle a little to write tonight because I've realized so much of both my successes and my struggles in this season will be very private, to our school, to our students and to me. But I very much want to include you all, who've been supporting me along the journey into this adventure as well. So I will try to be as sensitive to both parties as I can while still being me.


This morning as I sat down after worship in church I looked around and down the row from me and behind me were all our students and staff. It was just this very comforting moment, we're here, this is happening, God has brought us all safely together. This afternoon Steve and I went into Christchurch to pick up Toby which means that all our students are finally here and we've begun. We had our official welcome and kick off tonight. Us ladies sang and danced to "Ne te Atua" I was so proud of all our staff guys (Jeremy, Matt, Loren, Steve and Tack) and the Haka they worked so hard on. They were fierce and powerful and did it with excellence. So proud of my guys! 


Later in the evening the SDTS had a time of worship together and man the Lord moved. In mighty ways. My God is just so incredibly faithful. So faithful! In the turmoil of knowing my family at home is going through scary, tumultuous valleys I am reminded in divine ways that I am exactly where God has me for right now. I've seen fears and anxieties in myself be shattered in a matter of minutes. Seen my fellow staff, my brothers really just be released into powerful giftings, started to get to know a bunch of really rad, talented, loving guys and fallen in love with five amazing young women! This morning one of my girls had a miraculous healing of a food allergy she'd learned to live with. This evening we prayed healing and deliverance over two of them. I am so in awe of the courage, grace, spirit, humility and vulnerability of this school. On DAY ONE! 


Tomorrow we hit the ground running. I can tell you right now, this school during this time, is going to take all of me! Satan is crafty and his attacks are non discriminate. I continue to battle in the quiet place for my family at home and the pain and fear they are facing. Prayer for consistency and peace of mind for and in other relationships I am trying to continue to cultivate back home. Praying for strength and wisdom as my family moves and obvious prayers and blessings for my beloved Isabelle's 7th birthday this week! Prayers for health and safety as we head out snowboarding this week. Strength to walk this road with Sophie, Kathryn, Alyssa, Sarah and Janie. Wisdom to speak life and encouragement into the hearts of all our students. God's continued blessing of family on our staff team. Wisdom and humility to be a proper vessel of God's power and grace in this time.


This road has not gotten any easier and I no longer believe that it's going to. But I see it a little more clearly now. I see God's finger prints in the comings and goings of this thing, I see his miracles on an hourly basis now. I see His hands through the fog, hear his voice through the clatter.


A new season has begun...

Broken heart.

It is with a very heavy spirit that I write this today. A few hours ago I got off the phone with my Mom in Minnesota to find out some very bad news about my Grandfather. I won't go into a lot of details here but we got the worst news we could as a family today and are in different corners of the world today going through immense grief and confusion. It is moments like these that I just don't know what to pray. I have gone through grief before but never like this, being so far from home, so helpless to comfort my family the way I would like and feeling in so many ways alone here in the smallest little part of the world. I'm so confused, I know this is God's will for my life to be here but in so many ways I'm struggling today with wondering why God would bring me here in this time to have my family and loved ones go through this and be so far from them in this time. To be so far from my dear Grandpa.

One of the things that my Mom said on the phone was that there is absolutely nothing negative you can say about my Grandfather. Nothing. He has been an amazing man, husband, father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather. How great a challenge that I would aim to live my life like his, that towards the end of my life even the people closest to me would have nothing negative to say. My prayers for my family in this time are that my Grandpa would not suffer great pain. That God would give Grandpa great courage, whatever it is that he's going to face in the next season. Specifically as well that the Lord would give my Mom and Uncles great faith, peace and wisdom in this season. How to support and love each other and my Grandma, how to handle this season with their families and children. I pray the Lord would fill Grandpa with the knowledge of how loved and cherished he is my his Heavenly Father and by all of us. I am so honored to be a part of this man's family. My Grandpa John is a man's man. Our family is who we are today in large part because of his example, his love, his humor, his laugh, his eyes, his hugs. I'm hurting today, that I can't be there to see and experience this in the flesh. I'm hurting to not be with my Mom today and my sisters and nieces. I'm praying the Lord is big and bold and real in all of our lives in the coming days. And I pray that God would bring people around my family to love and support them and hold them up. If you are reading this and can or are close to my family, please love on them extra in the coming days. Phone calls, a card, a hug, helping them move next week, helping with my nieces if need be. I know and trust that God is holding them in his hands right now, all of them, Grandpa, Grandma, my Uncles and Aunts, my Mom and the cousins, my sisters and nieces. It is times like these that I'm so thankful for the family that I do have, that is so close and can be there for each other in times like these. I'm also incredibly thankful for a Mom who believes and loves the Lord. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for my Mama right now. Oh Lord, hold my Mom tonight!

Ironically, while my family is walking through incredibly dark valleys this evening at the same time the leadership here was anointing us with oil and commissioning us for this time; as leaders of this school. In a few minutes I'll leave with the boys to go get our first student! Lots of airport runs tomorrow and the official welcome and start on Sunday! I am confidant in the team that I'm a part of right now and overjoyed at the arrival of the students. Today, in the midst of pain I am excited and ready to start this school. My girls' room is set and decorated with little "Mandi" touches on each pillow. I'm excited to finally get them here, to get the last month of plans and preparation under way. I have been hoping, praying, wondering and waiting for this time for a very long time. Lots of prayers, hopes and dreams are going to be be birthed and seen in this school.

My heart is full today. Excitement and anticipation; pain and grief. Above all I'm confidant that I am held, in the aftermath of the cross I am held and redeemed. My God is charge and he has my best at heart. I have to remember he is bigger and wiser and more loving than I could ever hope to be.

Recap of staff retreat

This weekend LT, Steve, Tack, Rebecca (Loren's PA) and I went to Dansey's Pass for a staff retreat as our last weekend together before students get here. We had an awesome time resting and relaxing. (Which in our case meant staying up extremely late and having crazy adventures). It was a wonderful time to just have fun with each other. We all got a chance to practice driving on the four hour drive, worked together trying to get meals eaten and cleaned in the below freezing temps and encouraged each other as we explored and tried daring new things.


Highlights:
The beauty of New Zealand. It's everywhere! Bright blue, snow capped mountains, amazing sun sets, CRAZY blue rivers and oceans!
Being gutsy trying to rope swing over the river and the zip line.
Seeing a real penguin come out of the ocean and find shelter on the beach. (We waited for 2 hours in the COLD to see this darn (but incredibly cute little penguin! And seriously how many people can say they've seen a penguin the wild!)
Climbing, hiking, resting, playing and laughing with the awesome and endearing SDTS 2012 staff team!

Rope swing over the river.

Morning hike.

LT, Steve and Tack (and the few hours of warmth we have outside the valley in the sun). Elephant Rocks.

The token New Zealand sheep photo. Steve tried to catch one at the Elephant Rocks. "Ok, I guess ya, they are pretty fast."

The team "Band photo". 

Planking...

The craziest tree I've ever seen. It's grown thru the rock and than the branches are growing straight up. (It's in a valley so I'm assuming the branches grow that way to try to reach the few sun rays that make it down but I don't know. It was in the middle of where they filmed a couple of the scenes for the first Narnia movie and the guys set it was a set prop at first but it's not. Totally legit).

Roots straight through the rock

Whale fossils in the mountains...how did that happen?

Beavers house from The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe.

Ancient Maori cave drawings

Loren

Seals at Bushy Beach, Oamaru

You can't really see him, but on the beach is the penguin we waited two hours to see come into the colony.

The first of our students arrive on Thursday. I'm filled with excitement, anxiousness, nerves, and hope for what God is going to do in the lives of the 18 of us this school. Everyday God shows himself in new ways, to us as a school, a staff and personally. I'm thankful for a weekend away, it was cool for me to realize Sunday night when we still had an hour or so drive back that all I wanted to do was go home and in that moment home was here, in my bed in Oxford, New Zealand. I'm not sure what God's plans are for the next five months. But I'm hopeful, I know that His plan is perfect, that has rarely meant that I've understood it (or even enjoyed it sometimes) but I trust Him. Sometimes it takes every bit of me but I trust Him that the next few days of craziness as we get down to the final preparation and as we welcome in our students that God's been planning this school forever and all He's asking us to do right now is walk in obedience and enjoy His presence in every moment. 

Alright Lord, let's do this thing.

Brain overload!

WOAH! My love for learning has been filled for today! Today our speaker, Mike Dodge came to share and train us in Strengths Based Leadership. Boom. We had taken the strengths finders tests a few weeks ago and today we shared our results and got more training on them. Mike runs an organization that helps train people in their strengths and teaches these seminars. I think the part that really stuck out with me especially after so many years of working in education. Especially in North America we aim so much for creating and educating "well rounded" people. This is SO important in the states, so much so that we will even change the grading platform so that in certain tests we are giving kids a passing grade for leaving an answer blank! I agree there are certain basics that kids need to know. Math, reading, writing. There is a certain level of aptitude that a functioning adult must have. But at what point do we say, "Ok this kid is really struggling in Math. He's (or she in my case) is never going to be strong in math. Why don't we, instead of paying for or hiring math tutors hire an highly trained English tutor?" When someone shows very obvious strengths in a certain subject, why don't we focus on that instead of trying to get everyone on the same level and equally strong in all areas. Most adults, never end up his way. I'm awful at math to this day and in my adult life have avoided it as much as I can but I thrive still in English type activities. Teaching, speaking, writing. This was super eye opening to me, as was a study Mike told us about, about infant brains. When we are born there are a number or open pathways. Small brain vessels that exchange information. The study shows that whatever brain pathways are used most often, emotional exchanges, anatlytical approaches, etc, etc those brain pathways are actually strengthened and opened wider, and the lesser used pathways are closed. So the idea is, that the most used ways of processing are set from life. I'm not totally sure if I buy it completely because you will always have extreme cases (like kids who've been totally neglected or abused as children and end up being completely giving, healthy emotional, etc.) But it was fascinating to think about in the ways that my sisters and I are different based on how my parents were or what my Mom was doing when we were first born. I'm an incredibly emotional person and process emotionally. As an infant my Mom was super young and I was her first baby. I imagine most of my needs were immediately met with cooing, coddling and cuddling. I was used to being tended to immediately and emotionally. Whereas my sister Jess is very analytical, she's capable of emotion and very loving and caring but not near as much immediate reacting to something in emotion. When she was born she was number two in birth order, I was a needy toddler and my Mom was working multiple jobs. Jess learned very young to weigh her options and make good choices. I know the test is not without weaknesses but it made more sense to me when I compared it to my own life experiences. (And super fun to compare to my two nieces. What I witnessed in Izze's first few months and what I've heard of Faith's first few weeks!)

Something else SUPER interesting to me is when we were talking about Myers-Briggs tests and the typical answers you will get for that. Introvert/Extrovert, Thinker/Feeler and that your brain and person tends to function in your strengths within that but at about the age of 40 you start to function within the shadow characteristics because your brain never stops learning. That at the age, what if often taken as a mid life crisis is actually your brain assuming it has reached perfection in one area and so it will switch to the other traits to attempt to perfect and grow in those. How awesome is that?! Mike was saying most of his life he's been a super extroverted thinker but once he hit about forty he become comfortable finding energy on his own and started crying and goofy movies. (A funny life example to actually studies). Funny to think how myself, my friends and my siblings may change as we get older.

So my strengths are (and I'm sure this will completely shocking to those of you who know me.... ;)
Three-way tie for first:
1.Empathy
1.Relator
1.Significance

2.Connectedness
3.Communication
4.Context
5.Belief
6. Input

(And while Mike said to stay away from focusing on those that scored low because we're trying to stay away from everyone being the same "well rounded" person for the sake of the argument and to make a few readers grin when they see) My lowest three:
1.Achiever
2.Self Assurance
3. Adaptability

No surprises when it came to strength finder test but super interesting in the context of where I've been in the last five years and what I'm doing here as a leader. And when it comes down to it, I suppose the thing that really fires me up about the Strengths Finders is learning to really function in the flow in our God giving identity. I don't believe God intended for us to be copies of each other as the same "well rounded people". God made all of us different, just like he made the animals totally different, just as he made all people for all time totally different. He made us totally different, with totally different strengths and weaknesses so that we would need each other. So we would need him. So we would never be able to do anything in our own power. He did all of this and he looked at us and He said, "It is good." Like I'm really fired about that today. Really figuring out how God made me and why and how he intends to use that to bring himself glory really makes me excited. Our God is just so intricate and cares about the smallest things. Nothing from little brain vessels in infants to, creating jobs and teams for adults; none of that is on accident and none of that it out of His control. Blown away.

The thoughts for today.

Also super thankful for the Merrino wool shirt Mette left for me when she flew back to Denmark last week. It's coming in so handy today in the cold! As well as the red wool hat I stole from Dan in the dice game on Christmas last year. It's a chilly one!

Youch!

Ouch! When you're living on an incredibly limited budget without an ability to make a normal income on your own spending any large amount of money is painful.

This has been a $700 week! OUCH!
$500 USD went to change my flight from August to fall. I had to book my original ticket for August to stay within New Zealand Visa laws. Now that I'm in and my Visa extension has been filled out, I needed to change my return flight to be within my second Visa (post outreach). While I'm incredibly blessed that I did have the money to do that today, it halves my budget for the next 6 months. It was one of those unavoidable expenses of being here and having to work with the laws this country has in place. Before I left Minnesota I bought a "humanitarian rated ticket." This was a cheaper flight for people working as I am and more lenient with changing the dates of return flights or locations. While $500 feels so incredibly expensive today I know it is still about $200-300 cheaper than I had I booked my ticket alone and had to change it through the airline. I know I am meant to be here and that God has and will continue to provide for every need within his will it was painful to watch my checking account go down so fast. I suppose much of that may be my flesh, enjoying a small safety net of finances but part of it is obvious necessity. When my Visa extension is processed I need to be able to prove I have the funds to support myself in New Zealand. They require that I have $800 US in my account to support myself while I'm here, after having to buy my ticket out I don't have that much in my account anymore. It's one of those times that feels like squeezing. I know God has me here for this school, I'm trusting I will find favor in Him and that the money will be in my account in time to prove to NZ government that I can afford to be here.
$200 USD went to getting my NZ Visa extension. A fancy, albeit legal sticker for my passport that says I have the governments permission to stay here longer than they originally gave me.

It's an uncomfortable little financial squeezing isn't it? I'm not panicked by any means but the worry is  in the back of my head. I'm beyond blessed that God has provided for my needs so far. I am here, my lecture phase staff fees and activity fees are paid for and God provided the money that I could afford to change my ticket and apply for my Visa at the proper time. I know that my flesh is being burned in all of this. I'm learning to grow in faith and financial responsibility. For the sake of accountability and prayer I'm posting that here. Within the next month my Visa app will be processed and I will need to prove that I have at least $800 USD in my checking account to support myself here during the time of my Visa extension. I have $600 of that $800 budgeted now. Prayer would be appreciated that I would find favor with New Zealand government with the paperwork and that everything would go smoothly;With financial supporters that God would lead to help raise this money and most importantly with the Lord. That as my flesh is burning away and I am learning what I can do without and more importantly without knowing that I would grow in faith, trust and wisdom of what my God can do and what He can do through me.

"To the left, to the left."

Let driving lessons begin! I've begun learning how to drive here in New Zealand, on the left side of the road! Also I've needed to learn how to drive up and down mountains (as this is the snowboard school...) Tonight after dinner Loren, Tack, Steve and I went up Lee's Pass to practice now that most of the ice is melted. Good call on Loren's part to choose night time driving, I think if I had realized how high up we were and seen how narrow the roads were in daylight I would've freaked. I suppose I am pleased with myself, I'm defiantly more confidant driving the big vans, in the lower gears and controlling my speed. I want a try or two in the city on the left side and I think I'll be good to go.

I think one of the biggest things I'm learning now is how to do life with guys. Being the only girl school staff has become...."obvious" this week. If you know me at home lets be honest, I'm a girls girl. I'm the oldest of three girls, and while most of us were pretty typical American tom-boy adult hood has swung in the opposite direction. Sissy is a waitress/salon manager and Ab is a nail tech/hair stylist. The second generation Izze and Faith seem to following in the girly footsteps. Isabelle even told me a few months ago she's not touching dirt, she's a "city" girl. I also have ticket stubs to the last 3 years worth of Disney Princess on Ice. My two best friends in the whole world (although not particularly girly) are both women. While I can handle some guys in Minnesota, my comfort zone and my normal mode of operating is around and with girls. Here, that's not at all the case, nor possible in many cases. While there are females on the base currently and particularly Jenny whose working on base before her school starts, the people I'm training, working, learning, living and being with are the guys. And while I was prepared to say I'm indifferent about the whole thing and it's not good, bad or ugly yet just is. I think for me, it's actually a good thing. (Not without frustration but good). Here's what I'm learning from my guys:

• They don't wait around for everyone approval. When an idea strikes (whether good, bad or just silly) they go for it. If it's fun; do it. If it ends up bad, well at least we tried. 
• If they think they have a better idea they say it. We tried 5 or 6 different configurations of human trains to move a load of fire wood today.
• Everything, I mean EVERYTHING is a reason to have fun. ANYTHING can be a joke, a song or quoted. 
• Everything is face value. If you mean something say it, if you don't mean it don't say it, what you said was what you meant. They don't play games and they don't think overly hard about what they say.
• They don't take or mean things personally. They're goofy and funny, their efficient (most of the time....see lesson 1) and do things to get them done to get to the next thing. They don't do things to be seen. (Unless they want to be seen in which case, you can't avoid them!)
• For the most part, they just don't care what people think. I think most guys just have an inborn confidence that most girls could really use a dose of.

I'm learning a lot about guys, but my guys in particular. But in the mean time I'm also learning a lot about myself. Not in the sense that I'm comparing but it has been interesting to reflect how my reaction to things is different from theirs, or my way of doing things is different. I'm seeing flaws in my system and my way of operating by watching theirs. Not that I do everything wrong or they do everything right but I'm noticing ways in which I am very stereo typically girly. I'm incredibly emotional and over-think EVERYTHING! I think the biggest thing so far is learning to say and do exactly what I mean and taking peoples words and actions how they meant them. It's been a learning experience that's for sure, from learning how to deal with their way of thinking and operating in training meetings, to enjoying their company as being different from girls and how they spend their spare time, to dealing with and working with their ways of teaching and encouraging me and learning how to care for and encourage them. How to keep an eye in the back of my head for snowballs, always expect an extra bite out of my food, and knowing that just like Izze, if they know I'm asleep they can only handle it for so long before they need to wake me up to "be with them." And understanding that when Loren says, "We're going out of town for a staff retreat this weekend" he means we're going camping to "have an adventure" and being happy with it. 

"Get some rest Cammi, you look tired."

Ways to bless missionaries:

• Prayer
• Emails
• Financial Support
• Skype Credit
• Mail (handwritten letters, drawings, photos, ANYTHING handmade)
• iTunes Credit
• DVD's
• Reese's Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal (Also good to be used as bribery with other staff members) ;)
• Cheese Itz
• Goldfish crackers
• Sweedish Fish
• Hot sauce
• Ranch
• Caribou/Dunn Bros coffee
• Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

A friend jokingly told me to put a list up here in case people are wondering of other ways I can be blessed right now. So there you have it, my favorite things from home that are send-able. 

This'll be short as today was probably my first "hard day" since being here. Nothing really to report other than today was the first day by heart felt heavy and my eyes started to feel heavy. It does not help that I don't feel the greatest and am working from a sleep deficiency. Today was a day that I really had to dig deep and trust God that His plan is perfect and powerful. It was hard today to believe there is a wonderful and powerful reason I am here tonight instead of in warm Minnesota holding my babies. But I know God's joy and promises are new every morning (and it's bed time so it must mean they are coming soon again!)

Today is one of our staff, Brenden "Tack's" birthday. Steve, Jenny and I woke up early to make him french toast and coffee. A friend of ours next door even invited us over after church so we could watch the Stanley Cup game for a good ole' Canadian boy's birthday. We went to church at the Baptist church here in Oxford (which is where my school used to have our lectures). It's amazing how different it looks after the remodel. Barely looks like the same place. They had some guest speakers down from Auckland this morning who had some powerful words for the congregation. 

Tomorrow starts our third week of staff training. Two more weeks before students arrive. Excited, nervous, full of anticipation and hope. 

Yes, tonight I am heading to be hopeful. God is a good God with good things to say, I'm excited to wake up to newness and joy in the morning. 

Blessings!

Snow day!

Oxford, New Zealand. 

This photo was for Jenny. The Oxford Fire Brigade.

"Tac" working on the pre-breakfast jib we built. 

Steve.

Attempting another build at the skate park in Oxford.

At base about six or seven hours before it stopped snowing!

The SDTS staff team. Brenden, Steven, Loren and myself.

Rain, rain go away...or stay if you must but please turn to snow!

It's been raining for the last many hours, which is disappointing only because we got super excited when one of our staff let us know our city was under a major snow warning earlier in the day. Rain...is just not cutting it. But hopefully this means there getting a lot of snow up in the mountains.

We're well into staff training now, working with our guest speaker; Trish. She's from Taurunga and has worked with YWAM for years. She's been amazing! She has such a gift of leadership in the most gentle way I have ever seen. Our team will be sitting around the table working through information on leadership, time management, confrontation styles and systems, etc and she'll just gently ask what someone thinks. If someone hasn't spoken up in a while she will specifically ask that person what they think or how they've experienced that in their lives. Total and complete intentionality but completely normal. Nothing about it feels forced or pre-conceived. I find myself learning so much about my team and even myself in the most natural, easy, safe way possible.  You can tell by her flexibility and ability to work with our (ok...somewhat spazzy and off task aka snowboarders) team that she's just has so much godly wisdom which comes from just practicing this stuff and living it out. I didn't even realize I was learning so much until my English friend Jenny asked me how today went and I had so much to tell her about what I learned. (I point out she's English because it was POURING rain when we decided to WALK the quarter mile to the Dairy to buy lollies and ginger beer. When we realized it was raining before we set out I asked her if we were still going to go and she replies, "Yes, I'm English I live in the rain!")

Finance report: PRAISE GOD!!!! The entirety of my staff fees ($100/week) have been paid! My $500 activity fee has ALSO BEEN PAID! There is still some money left in my staff account after lecture phase (staff fees + activity fee) have been paid that will be put towards outreach but as we don't have the details for that set in stone yet the exact amount of what still needs to be raised I still don't have. The next purchases will be my New Zealand drivers license, which we are going into Rangiora to get tomorrow and my Visa. For those of you who don't remember two of us staff need to apply for Visa extensions which will allow us to stay in New Zealand past our three month visitor Visa which will expire in August. (Steve got luck of the gene pool draw as his Mom is Kiwi and thus holds both American and New Zealand passports...lucky kid!) Prayers would be appreciated and it's pretty expensive process (about $200) and involves a lot of paperwork.

Prayer requests:

• Praise for and asking of God's continued blessing on finances and financial supporters. I am keenly aware of how important you all have been. Without my heavenly Papa and y'all I wouldn't be here! I'm so thankful for you'r obedience to His call to support missions and honored that would choose me to do it through! For those of you that I don't thank often enough THANK YOU!
• Our SDTS staff team : Loren, Brenden, Steve and myself. That God would continue to unite us as a team and continue to pour out His peace, grace and joy on us; filling us with HIS wisdom. And a praise: These are three really awesome guys! Man, it's just been a huge blast getting to know them and start working with them. I'm really thankful knowing that there are going to be days when it's tough and stuff gets hard and we just have to trust God and push through, I'm glad these are the guys I'm going to have at my side.
• My small group girls. (Whom I have yet to meet but have now gotten to at least have email conversation with each other them) Alyssa, Sophie, Janie, Kathryn, and Sarah. That God would give them peace and calm as they prepare and travel. That their last few weeks at home would be an awesome time with family and friends back home and that God would already be planning an amazing time of life change for them here.
• Family and friends back home. This is a crazy time of the year in Minnesota as seasons change and school lets out and everything transitions. I have family and dear friends with new babies, birthdays, big moves, major projects at work, big races, trips, etc that really could use prayer and blessing. (And if you're in the Minneapolis area and subburbs give any of em a hug for me)

Cue the Rocky theme...

Training has begun! Lots of little things that need to be learned and done around base. People leaving and coming, getting base staff and school staff in the right spots and roles as we're beginning. Getting to know each other and our surroundings, testing our wings with this new role, hearing from people who've been doing it for years. Today the Basic Leadership School semi started for us staff to get a head start on our homework and book reports for that. (I need to find a good book on leadership to do a report on...suggestions? I know a bunch but want something GREAT!). We're starting to go through files and pray over our students, feel our way around the facebook group and start making contact.

One of the things we've been talking about is the importance of staying in contact with supporters and prayer partners back home. Newsletters, blogs, emails, trying to keep schedules to make sure all of that is happening. Remembering and putting into practice now times of rest and quiet. I met with our financial leader and he's giving me an updated sort of fees report this week that I'll be updating here and sending to supporters. I have been in contact with a supporter from home that's having trouble transferring money into my account so continued prayers for finances would be wonderful.

It's been really chilly here in the mornings with frost on the ground and the cars. But the midday has been sunny and pleasant. The mountains are making snow now that it's getting cold enough up there so they have a good base for the real stuff that's been sporadic. Saturday the SDTS staff team is going into Christchurch to pick up our last guy and go to the SFC (Snowboarders for Christ) kickoff. Should be a good time, get me amped for the snowboard season here.

During my quiet time I've been reading through Genesis. I read thru the New Testament while I was a DTS student and as staff I figured I'd go through the Old. One of the things that's been sticking out to me is how much everything God does comes from a heart of complete, divine love for His people. From making a help mate for Adam, to separating them from the tree of life, to making them skins to wear, even marking Cain, everything He does comes from this complete love for His people. Even when things didn't make sense or even when they seem to be just a reaction to sin, EVERYTHING is done from love. Like the Father just LOVES. He just totally, completely loves His people. We don't even know what that kind of love is like. Human love, even it's like most pure state is still really selfish, we're still doing or getting something out or in return for it. And here you have this marvelous Creator who just got done making the whole earth and is so powerful and so in control of everything and can do anything and He chooses to love these weak, small, little people and doesn't love them with anything but all of Himself!

Landed!

Well I am here! In the frozen South! Well ok, it's not quite frozen but a quite a bit colder than the 90 degree days I left in Minnesota.

My flights over were not bad. Actually all of them had some little supernatural bonus. The first flight from Minneapolis to LA I was slotted to sit in the dreaded middle seat. (This was not something I was looking forward to knowing I was going from saying goodbye to Jenny downstairs to getting squished between two other travelers during the last night hours on my body clock) well the third person in the row didn't show up so I got my favorite aisle seat. While this was lovely, we ended up not being able to leave Minneapolis until twenty minutes after we were supposed to because of weather, added with time wasted taxing in LA, I was still sitting on my first plane almost 40 minutes after they started boarding my long haul flight! I was praying while sitting on the plane that I would somehow make the flight which was set to take off in 20 minutes. Thankfully the gates were right next to each so I ran from one door to the next and got on my flight to Australia. I was in the middle of a 3, 3, 3 set up. I was in the aisle of that middle 3 column, well this flight the person in the middle of that 3 section didn't show. So the hilarious Australian girl on the other side of me decided we'd take that middle seat in shifts and spread out to sleep. She ended up being a super sweet seat mate. She even made sure the flight attendants left me food when I slept through dinner! When I finally landed in Australia I had to check in with Air New Zealand for my international transfer ticket. When I got to the line (6 am ish) the man at the counter asked me what kind of ticket I wanted. I said I didn't know, just a normal ticket? He said he'd give me a "works deluxe" ticket. I didn't know what that meant until I got on the plane 2 hours later. He's gotten me an aisle seat, with an upgraded entertainment system, meals and drinks! He'd gotten my name on some list and they treated me like royalty! Every time some silly little bonus like that happened I just smiled knowing my Heavenly Daddy was just showing me how much he loves to love me. I totally appreciated it! (And all of you who were praying for safe and peaceful flights!)

I met my school leader, Loren at the airport along with another base staff. We went down to Christchurch to see the damage from the 2011 earthquakes. WOAH! I was not prepared for what I saw. I guess just because American media didn't really focus so much on it after the initial sort of panic. Whole portions of the city are leveled. Our old stomping grounds are in ruin. One of the areas that I spent a lot of time in when I came as a student was Manchester St where we worked with a prostitution ministry. This was one of the hardest hit areas in all of Christchurch. In a really odd way I wonder if in some ways it was not an answer to our prayers to crumble the strong holds of evil on that street. Not that we would ever pray for destruction like I saw but I know God works through all things...

We got back to the base and I got to see the new building which was only in the praying and dreaming stages when I was here as a student. It's awesome. A place where our whole school will be able to eat together and learn together on our own property. And I also got to see where I'm staying, in my own room! And while this is not that abnormal in life at home if you know YWAM you know this is rare. Rare and I am super thankful for it! Haha, supernaturally? I'm totally spoiled!

My first days here have been great. (COLD!) but great. God has filled me with peace and calm about being here. I was so worried and panicked at home about leaving and what was coming and not knowing. While I still don't know a ton of details or some of the ins and outs of whats going to happen in the next many months I am filled with peace that I know can only come from God. I have prayed and have been joined with so many others just praying that this would be a time of peace for me and God has and is answering those prayers. I am incredibly blessed by that.

I will update financially in a few days after I've met with our financial guy. But for now I wanted to let you all know I'm here, I'm blessed, I'm safe and sound and content in the place God has me right now. Please continue to pray and keep us covered in prayer for the staff, students and this entire school and base. Monday we're going to start staff training where we will get to start planning and dreaming for this school. I'm excited and ready. Let's do this!

Last night in MN

Well this is it, my last night in Minnesota for a while. My last night ever in this house. It's been a very short I suppose journey but filled with ups and downs as I've prepared for this crazy adventure. Right now I suppose I'm just so tired and worn out from crying that there's not much emotion left in me.

Today I took my sweet Izze girl out of school and we went to Mall of America to spend an afternoon just being with each other and making some sweet memories and spoiling my girl. At one point we headed down to the Sealife Aquarium and we're watching a woman feed the sting rays. They have built a small play structure in and around the tank, there are little clear domes the kids can crawl in and through to get an up close look at the sting rays. Above the tank there is a small walk way and a portion of it has a clear glass bottom. I stepped out and said how cool it was after Izze pointed it out to me. "Come here." I said and held my hand out to her. "I don't want to, I'm scared." She said. I held my hand out to her again and told her she needed to be brave; my hand was right there. And she did it. Without stopping to think about it, without weighing her options. She grabbed my hand and stepped out onto the glass and joined me.

And instantly I knew this was what God was asking me to do. We were no higher than 8 feet above the ground but to such a little girl I'm sure it felt much higher. And while it does seem scary to step out onto a floor that you can see right through, it was thick glass and there was a bottom. God's not asking me to walk on water right now. He knows I'm scared and that I don't want to journey into that fear. But He's holding His hand out and asking me to join Him on this glass bottomed floor...

If you have been praying please continue. The next few days will be full of challenges for me. I found out just this evening that weekly staff fees have gone up to $100/wk instead of $95 and while it does not seem that big of a jump over 17 weeks that's almost $100 I was not planning for. So please continue to lift my finances up in prayer, I'm still about $1200 short with this new total. (If you would feel lead to give you can use the PayPal link in the upper right corner). Also please pray for peace as I'm having to say "See you later" to the ones I love the most, as well as safe travels, peace at the airports and that my luggage would arrive safely and on time.

I am incredibly blessed by many, many loving, supportive relationships here in Minnesota that I will miss dearly. I'm excited for the plans God has for all of our lives this summer and the coming fall. Please continue to check back for updates. (Feel free to leave comments and encouragement :) Please also continue to pray for this journey. This is by far the most important need and request I have. Please, please continue to keep me in prayer through out this entire process.

Catch ya on the flip side!

A week out...

A week from today I will be getting ready to take off the second leg of my 2 day journey to New Zealand. There are a lot of thoughts and emotions this week. If you have been praying for me this week, PLEASE KEEP GOING! Your prayers and your thoughts and wisdom have been felt and appreciated. Last week I was an emotional mess, literally I could only go a few hours without bawling. I was racked by fear, anxiety, nervousness, and doubt. This week while I am still incredibly nervous and anxious there is an odd sense of calm, comfort and even excitement maybe? I know this is the new season God has for me and while the next week is going to be emotional because I am so blessed by such amazing relationships and community here in Minnesota I know I am journeying into an amazing adventure with the Lord right now. The blessings and favor has poured out again and again! Financial support is almost all in! I'm only about $1200 short of the total needed! This has been a tornado of a week.... This past weekend I was personal attendant for my dear friends Nicole and Jon's wedding.

I don't know what it is about weddings. When I left in 2007 my Mom married Jon less than a week before I left and now Nicole and Jon. I don't know if it's just a fluke or if there is a little wink from God that these wonderful and beautiful glimpses into the Kingdom just keep happening around major leaps for me. 

At the end of the weekend I got to spend a last sort of "normal" Sunday with my best friend;  Doing and cherishing the normal routine.   I've realized that lately, I LOVE routine! I love and find security in knowing what's coming next, knowing what to expect, etc. I think part of my fear in this new venture is I know I'm going to lose my current routine and I don't yet know what my new one will be. (Thankfully I know for any school to run smoothly there will be a routine. I just don't know what it is). But I also realize there are going to be times when I need to let go and let things happen as they will. 

AND THEN.... as you can see from the last entry...my newest and dear little niece Faith Isabelle came into the world on Monday at 11:01 AM. She is perfect, just as her older cousin is. It amazes me because I've said since she was born that I could never love anyone the way I love Izze and in a moment it felt like my heart grew even bigger and suddenly there was room for another tiny little being in there! She gave Sissy quite a battle but she is finally here. Safe, sound and beautiful! With long skinny fingers, huge checks and big pouty lips. As soon as I heard she was coming I just had one wish with her before I leave, I wished that I could hold her and Isabelle just once in my arms at the same time. Just to have both my girls in my arms once. And tonight I got that wish...

Isabelle Michelle and her new cousin named after her, Faith Isabelle. 

The most perfect little girls in the whole world! 

I was going to say, next week this time this new adventure will have started. I will have officially ended my time at Zanewood, packed, said goodbye to these precious little girls and their Mama's, cried my eyes out saying goodbye to Jen and gotten on the plane. But this adventure has already started. God is doing this. He is doing this...

She's here!

Introducing Faith Isabelle Haerle! My newest and most perfect little niece. She came into the world today May 14th 2012 at 11:01. Weighing in a whooping 7lbs and 7oz, 19in. What a little peanut!! I have yet to meet her because of some medical issues with my sister. (Prayers for a speedy recovery!) But I look forward to holding her in my arms, kissing her little fingers and checking out my sisters trademark pouty lips for myself.

Thank you Lord for the miracle of birth. For another beautiful, perfect little girl. Mostly safe delivery for my sister and a chance to hold her in my arms before I leave. It's so crazy to see this little body and know even thou I have not met her officially I would lay down my life for this little baby. I am so in love!!

Welcome to the world Faithy Lou. Auntie loves you more than life!!

Faith is due today...in more ways than one.

My niece Faith Isabelle was due to be born today...with two and a half hours left of her due date she's looking like she's picking a different birthday. I hope someone lets her know we're on a time crunch, her Auntie would like to meet her and I've only got fourteen days left in this country.

Speaking of being two weeks out, if you have committed to praying for and with me through this journey please start now. I'm really struggling. It's gotten to the point where everything starts piling up, the days start flashing by like strobe lights and the time spent with friends and family is never enough. This has been the hardest part of finding out two months ago, there just isn't (its feels like enough time). I can't believe Bitsy was here this weekend, time is flying by so quickly it does not even seem real.

I still am without a flight and my bank deposit is being held with the funds I do have. Prayers for supernatural release of finances and provision and favor with travel agents would be much appreciated.

Prayers also for my heart and mind. I am feeling Satan's attacks from every direction. He's seeking to tear apart my relationships, my health, my finances, every step towards New Zealand seems to have some secondary bunny trail of complications. Part of me is waiting for someone to finally jump out of the curtain and say, "Nope forget it, it's just not going to work."

But in my heart I know it is. I know God has a wonderful and powerful and amazing plan for me this season and for my family and friends back home. I just pray that the Holy Spirit would come with peace, comfort, wisdom, mercy, favor and joy in these last few days.

Half is in!!

News worth celebrating: Last night a friend (whose fundraising for her own short term missions trip this summer) pledged the last $125! That pushed total funds raised to $2000 and I was able to email my church and let them know it was time to release the money they pledged unto New Zealand. Praise Him for answered prayer within 24 hours!!

This afternoon I realized once again that life happens anywhere, anytime. This afternoon both my car and my phone stopped functioning as they should, at the same time. Isabelle is hot, hungry and excited in my back seat. Her innocent questions and comments relentless. I'm hot, over tired, and at the gates of strep throat in the front. I could feel angry, stressed, overwhelmed tears threatening on the dark side of my sunglasses. In my heart I could hear a question, "How are you going to react?"

And I suppose that is the question that I will have to keep in the forefront of my mind in this season. None of any of this is what I had planned. None of this afternoon was anything I wanted to do or deal with. So much of my life is out of my control or unexpected and God is wanting to know, how am I going to react. At the end of the day do I believe scripture when it says my God has everything in control and that He works all things together for my good? My natural instinct is always emotion. I'm a feeler first and a planner second. I think tonight and I think the moving of my heart towards that question was a challenge to take two seconds and ask myself "How am I going to react? How are outward actions going to reflect my heart and my faith?" Am I going to take two seconds to be intentional about my choice instead of letting my emotions pop off immediately. Maybe a good cry is what's needed in the moment and maybe it's time to bit my tongue and get through the moment. I think tonight was a challenge to be intentional. To be intentionally in the huge mountain top, major moments in my life and in the quiet, private, stress induced moments on my own.



Prayers are always appreciated!

Tonight I'm praying for the rest of the $1200 needed for my flight would come in and I would be able to purchase my ticket at the cheapest rate possible. This would be a MAJOR stress relieved.
I'm praying that my car would be able to fixed as soon and as painlessly as possible.
I'm praying for a complete healing of my throat and body and that I would not be sick or distracted this weekend as BITSY IS COMING INTO TOWN!

Update on Finances

I've been incredibly stressed out about missions finances lately. Lately? Let's be honest I've been stressed about finances since I accepted the staff position in New Zealand. I knew when I said yes two months before I needed to fly out that getting financies was going to be hard. I knew it would take incredible amounts of faith, trust and hard work on my part and lots of generosity and obedience of tons of family and friends. I was reading the blog of another missionary this morning and she was talking about what it's like to raise funds as a missionary. She said 99% of the world does not understand what it's like to enter into a career where you have to raise your own income. Where you literally, in humility have to ASK people to pay you to be able to feed your family, continue your ministry, bless someone else. Working sometimes twenty four hours a day knowing no pay check is guaranteed. She said there are times when she sits with knots in her stomach wondering if enough is going to come in this week to be able to continue her ministry. It's a frightening, humbling, awesome place to be.

While a lot of that stress just kind of comes with the territory, it has at points though become distracting from what I believe God is trying to speak into my heart in these last few weeks before I head out. Seeing this, my best and incredibly insightful friend Jennifer challenged me to "fast" from checking finances this last week. She told me to continue to blog, update on facebook, tweet, and generally work my butt off to get finances but if anything came in, to put it aside and focus on other things. This meant no checking paypal or emails that updated me on account information. I knew stuff had come in and the first few days it took incredible self control to put the envelopes in a file and move on. My sister would see them in the mail and ask how much had come in, I'd have to tell her I wasn't checking.

Today was the end of that week and so I opened envelopes, wrote "thank-you's", crunched some numbers and met with a friend whose committed as one of my financial prayer warriors. And here's the details...

$1875 has come in so far!

$750 has been donated to me personally for my flight, New Zealand VISA, license and insurance.
$925 has been donated to YWAM for my school fees, room, board and outreach.
$200 has been given that was unspecified.

First and foremost: PRAISE GOD THE GIVER AND CREATOR OF ALL THINGS! In less than a month almost half of the total finances needed have come in.

Half? You might ask.... Isn't $2000 only a quarter of what is needed? True (Thanks Mrs. Virchow's 1st grade Math class for the 1/2 and 1/4 review this week) $2000 is only a quarter of what is needed but my church has decided to be my sending church and carry a large portion of the financial burden. What they are requiring is that I raise a quarter of the total that I need before I leave (A little more than $2000) and when that has been raised or pledged they will release another quarter of the total to YWAM. Which means: I'm only $125 short of that first $2000 needed! (So in this case a quarter actually means half).

So here's where I stand:
After the $125 comes in and church can release the next quarter of funds:
$2000 of the $3100 needed for outreach will be in!
$1050 of the $1650 needed for base fees will be in!
The $750 Activity fee will be completely paid for!
$750 of the $2100 needed for my flight/travel insurance will be in!


So this is where you can come in. Not everyone can pack up and head down to New Zealand this year but God has called me to and you can come along and join in this adventure both spiritually (through prayer, support and encouragement) and physically (through financially partnership, support or donation).

• The immediate need is for that last $125 to come in to push total raised to $2000 and allow church to release their quarter of funds. (If you feel led to give this money it can be to YWAM Oxford or me personally. The required $2000 is TOTAL money raised). 
• The second most important need is for the other $1350 needed for my flight and travel insurance. Flights into New Zealand bounce between $1800-$2000 USD on any given day, we are hoping and praying that by working with a missionary travel agent that we are able to get the plane ticket down to around $1600. 
• Thirdly I am praying for two individuals or families that would be willing to partner with me financially at $100/month May-November. This would provide the rest of my base fees, VISA, license and flight charges (I will need to change my flight in August to comply with New Zealand immigration laws). If you feel led to give on a monthly basis and would like to set up a recurring payment plan please contact me personally and we can set that up. 

I spoke at a meeting of our Young Adults ministry at church a few weeks ago and my Pastor Nate got up after me and told our group (bluntly) that my financial need is the most felt, in your face needs right now. And he's right, finances is what is on my mind and the thing that is easiest to quantify. I am lacking right now and there is a huge need but I am also encouraged. In less than a month we are just $125 short of the half way point. I have 23 more days here to raise the other half. I believe God can do this! I believe God is doing this! ( $100 was donated this morning before 9am! And that was by a fellow missionary with no income!! She had an overabundance of financial blessing this week and poured some of that overflow unto me!) And so I pray that God would speak to you clearly if you should give and how much. All support is appreciated and will be used with integrity. (Just fyi: I have a team of three that are set to be a financial accountability to me, in prayer for and with me. One of them acting as "missionary financial advisor.") There are a few ways to give if you feel lead: 

• Personal check to either myself or YWAM Oxford.
• PayPal. (mandistavnaw@gmail.com) or the convenient PayPal "Donate" button above. :) 
• If you desire to set up recurring monthly payments please contact me directly and I can lead you in the right direction.

Secondly (but no less important) is the need for spiritual and emotional support. The kingdom of darkness is in crisis as I and the others that will be part of this school prepare to go. I (as I'm sure they are) starting to feel this crisis. I desperately need prayer. A supernatural covering that will keep me in Gods loving hand, drenched in His peace and joy as I walk this journey. My prayer is that my ears and heart will be stopped up against the lies of the enemy. That the false identities, false ideas and false emotions would not find root in my heart or mind. I pray that the last twenty three days I have in Minnesota before this new adventure would be marked by supernatural protection, joy, grace, peace and provision. If you feel led to pray for me please let me know! I was so blessed by a family who added a post-it to their support check saying "Praying for you" and by a friend who asked for extra "Mandi magnets" to keep me visible even while I'm gone to pray for me daily. 

I have a dear friend whose an Atheist and whose moral code won't allow her to donate money to help send me into missions but wants me to know she supports me as a friend and wanted a list of physical items I need for my trip. Yes, there is a list of physical items I still need! Such as a mosquito net, head lamp, malaria pills, sleeping pad are a few, if you would like a copy of this list please let me know. One of the most common items a female missionary needs is an ankle length skirt, one of the "Mama's" in my life is making me one! 

I need prayer! I love cards, letters, emails, texts of encouragement. ;) Feel free to comment a "Keep your chin up" here on my journal or any of my social media pages. Please know I have been so blessed by all of you. So many people have shared excitement with me over my trip. Giddiness at this new adventure. Joy at my opportunities. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everyone who has gone out of their way to love and and support me in this journey and this time. I am so blessed and excited for the team and "family" I have standing beside me as I step out in this great adventure God is calling me on. I'm excited at the miracles I know are going to pour out in the next twenty three days and the next seven months. Tonight ends the last full month I'll be in Minnesota for until December. CRAZY! Let's do this! God's doing a mighty work in my life and in all the communities I find myself in. Go big or go home!

Let's do this!!

The Very Worst Missionary

Tonight we had our Multicultural family night at work. Part of that included Target's food distribution where Target pairs up with CEAP to provide bags of groceries for the families in our school. Target's team of volunteers has included none other than the best friend for the past two years so tonight was no different. Except that all the women in my family were busy and I was the only one with a short break between commitments to grab Izze. So Izze became a little Target volunteer tonight. It blessed my heart to see her following her Auntie around, helping to bag groceries and interact with kiddos. (In khaki and red to boot!)

Yanno, a few months from now I look forward with eager anticipation of updating this blog. Some small victory one of my small group girls is walking in, a healing that has taken place, a last ditch effort for finances that has come in, an out pouring of joy. I look forward to the victories I know will take place. But tonight, tonight I had to take inventory of my failures. Tonight, I had to once again define what this journey means and is going to mean for me. 

For me this decision has not been an easy one. This decision for me was not whether or not to take a trip but to change life paths. I don't plan on coming back to the life I lead today. Whatever, wherever or whoever I will be at the end of this first assignment, this is a change that I am making for life and with my life. I have to understand that, perhaps I need to communicate that. 

Secondly for me a missionary identity has never been one of perfection. I hope that when people I love and care about hear that I am going to be a missionary they do not assume that I believe I am perfect and that reaching a mountain top of spiritual, physical and emotional perfection has been reached and that is why I can be sent out to minister in the nations. I do not see or assume missionaries are any better or more holy than anyone else. I do not believe they are anymore talented, gifted or blessed. That's not the case....by any stretch of the imagination. 

I am a failure. I am a broken, bruised, sinful human being. I deserve death and my sins, choices, patterns and behaviors are worthy of a life separated from perfection. And that is where I would stay if I was without Christ. I know this. And while (as the person who knows me best pointed out) I wear a tough-you-can't-touch-me attitude I know that I am not perfect and I am deeply effected by my actions or inaction and interactions. I know that I am a screw up. I know that I have made decisions that are not right, not wise, not a good or proper witness of Christ. I know that I have been lazy and taken the easy way out, I know that I have spoken when I should have stayed quiet, and stayed quiet when I should have spoken. I am not oblivious to my humanity. I have struggled for years of my life to see myself as anything BUT my past mistakes and it seems as thou now, years later I have slid to the opposite side of the spectrum or at least what I portray is that I believe I don't make any. I make mistakes, I know that. I'm just as messed up as the next person. 

But I've come to know that does not discredit me from taking a place in the wonderful story Jesus is writing through history. It didn't discount Paul, or Peter, or the woman at the well or Rehab or Jonah or Thomas or Jacob, or David or Joseph. Terrorists, tax collectors, prosititues, womanizers, liars, cheaters, thieves, corporate scum. They in all their humanity, in all the messed up, ragamuffin, messy spirituality were recorded as scripture as examples of the little people in this world God chooses to use to change history. These men and woman changed Scripture and history in the midst of who they were. And while this is no way means I think I can live however I want and wave my Jesus flag. There is a right and a wrong. I'm well aware that outside of heaven I cannot conquer my flesh. I can try my best and attempt to live surrendered and put myself on the alter, but I know that outside eternity I'm never going to be perfect. I've spent way too many years of my life trying to be and waiting to be before I move. I'm never going to get there and if I wait too long my waiting becomes my disobedience. 

Matthew 28 commands us to "go into all the nations and teach them to be disciples." Matthew 28 doesn't say "wait until you have your stuff figured out, your Masters and mortgage, your ducks in a row and everyone's approval and then head out when it's convenient to your vacation schedule." I've been personally convicted that is says; go, send or disobey. And God has opened a door for me to go. So I'm going. I may be the very worst missionary, but I'm going. 

If you are reading this and my journey has personally offended you or made you uncomfortable I am sorry.  I do desire to be a person of humility, I desire to be a person that makes my sisters and my nieces proud, I desire to be a person who honors God. I am human, I make mistakes and many of them have involved people (as most mistakes go). I wear the mask that says I don't care and can't be touched and I do and I can. I do not desire to fall into the same traps of being so bound by my past mistakes that I can't move forward and so if in that self protective hedge I have made myself into someone who seems as though they don't care how their actions effects others I'm sorry. I have made mistakes yes, but I refuse to stay chained to them and I refuse to let them drive my decisions. 

I may be the very worst missionary but God has opened a door into New Zealand and of that I am convinced. I'm nothing special, just another vessel. While my journey is very special and unique to me there are thousands all over the world getting ready to do the same thing. There are girls right now from somewhere in the world that God is preparing to be my small group girls in New Zealand and I pray that they are not being prepared to meet me or interact with me or have a relationship with me, I pray that I'm simply a vessel. A body and a mouth and hands and feet that can be Jesus to them. A wine skin or a clay pot or a puppet, whatever it is I need to be for God to use me to reach them, I'm willing. God has not done some magnificent magic trick that has turned me into a Super Saint or Power Preacher, I'm just a silly, procrastinating, sassy, emotional, fire cracker girl from Minnesota. That's what I love about YWAM. While God could very well call me to preach or teach or do something public for his name first and foremost I'm just called to go there to love on these girls. My first responsibility is to pray for, with and over these girls. To love them. To walk with them on this crazy, missionary journey that God is growing them to be on. They are the Superstars in this show. This is God's major production in THEIR lives, I'm just a stagehand. I love that! I'm excited for that. I've had a really, really good example of that for years and I'm ready to put that into practice. I'm a mess-up, ya you bet. I know that. But I know I'm an awesome, loved, cherished daughter of God with one Judge. And He has opened a door for me. And when God has set to do something the gates of hell will not stand against it!