Broken heart.

It is with a very heavy spirit that I write this today. A few hours ago I got off the phone with my Mom in Minnesota to find out some very bad news about my Grandfather. I won't go into a lot of details here but we got the worst news we could as a family today and are in different corners of the world today going through immense grief and confusion. It is moments like these that I just don't know what to pray. I have gone through grief before but never like this, being so far from home, so helpless to comfort my family the way I would like and feeling in so many ways alone here in the smallest little part of the world. I'm so confused, I know this is God's will for my life to be here but in so many ways I'm struggling today with wondering why God would bring me here in this time to have my family and loved ones go through this and be so far from them in this time. To be so far from my dear Grandpa.

One of the things that my Mom said on the phone was that there is absolutely nothing negative you can say about my Grandfather. Nothing. He has been an amazing man, husband, father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather. How great a challenge that I would aim to live my life like his, that towards the end of my life even the people closest to me would have nothing negative to say. My prayers for my family in this time are that my Grandpa would not suffer great pain. That God would give Grandpa great courage, whatever it is that he's going to face in the next season. Specifically as well that the Lord would give my Mom and Uncles great faith, peace and wisdom in this season. How to support and love each other and my Grandma, how to handle this season with their families and children. I pray the Lord would fill Grandpa with the knowledge of how loved and cherished he is my his Heavenly Father and by all of us. I am so honored to be a part of this man's family. My Grandpa John is a man's man. Our family is who we are today in large part because of his example, his love, his humor, his laugh, his eyes, his hugs. I'm hurting today, that I can't be there to see and experience this in the flesh. I'm hurting to not be with my Mom today and my sisters and nieces. I'm praying the Lord is big and bold and real in all of our lives in the coming days. And I pray that God would bring people around my family to love and support them and hold them up. If you are reading this and can or are close to my family, please love on them extra in the coming days. Phone calls, a card, a hug, helping them move next week, helping with my nieces if need be. I know and trust that God is holding them in his hands right now, all of them, Grandpa, Grandma, my Uncles and Aunts, my Mom and the cousins, my sisters and nieces. It is times like these that I'm so thankful for the family that I do have, that is so close and can be there for each other in times like these. I'm also incredibly thankful for a Mom who believes and loves the Lord. I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for my Mama right now. Oh Lord, hold my Mom tonight!

Ironically, while my family is walking through incredibly dark valleys this evening at the same time the leadership here was anointing us with oil and commissioning us for this time; as leaders of this school. In a few minutes I'll leave with the boys to go get our first student! Lots of airport runs tomorrow and the official welcome and start on Sunday! I am confidant in the team that I'm a part of right now and overjoyed at the arrival of the students. Today, in the midst of pain I am excited and ready to start this school. My girls' room is set and decorated with little "Mandi" touches on each pillow. I'm excited to finally get them here, to get the last month of plans and preparation under way. I have been hoping, praying, wondering and waiting for this time for a very long time. Lots of prayers, hopes and dreams are going to be be birthed and seen in this school.

My heart is full today. Excitement and anticipation; pain and grief. Above all I'm confidant that I am held, in the aftermath of the cross I am held and redeemed. My God is charge and he has my best at heart. I have to remember he is bigger and wiser and more loving than I could ever hope to be.