I'm realizing in a somewhat painful manner, that I'm not like Jesus at all...

I don't look like him...
I don't smell like him...
I don't sound like him...
I sure as heck don't act like him...
I know people who do.

And when I say I want to be like them, in essence I want to be like Him. Really.
Really.

I want to be like Jesus.

I was stopped at a red light today behind a person who didn't want to be like Jesus.
In fact I think he hated Jesus because he had one of those 90's plastic fish
things but it said "bLOW me" on the inside. He had some bumper stickers that
said "Please Kill Yourself" but you could only see the "kill" if you were right
behind him, if you drove by fast it would have just said "please yourself."
There was another one that said, "Jesus helps me trick people." And then a bunch
of little white ones with Bible verses from the Old Testament that I'll admit
sound really bad when you take them out of context. But even I had to laugh at
those because well sometimes what the Bible says is kind of funny.

Every day I find something more that is going to be shaken. Some other fleshy
desire that needs to be burned off....some other idol I cling to.

God has huge plans for my life this year. But He's been very clear for this first 25 days of the year, that I am to have...

none.

He'll tell me where and when and how.

But I must still live in a society that clings to plans, and I must still answer to people who need to know how I'm going to pay for it, where I'm going to live, how I'm going to afford this that or the other thing, how I'm going to answer the questions and deal with "life."

I don't know.

That's ok.

Today when I was behind that car with Shane and Shane blaring and singing about how I'm saved by grace and I yearn to worship him...I smiled. A big huge, grin that Seth and Luke would be proud of.

I really love Jesus.

I might not look like him, or smell or act or in any way shape or form resemble him...but every day I'm trying harder.

And harder.

Because I love him.

And that makes me so freakin happy.
And all of this...so worth it.

Adventures In Potty Training

I made Izze a sticker chart to track her progress with potty training. I asked her what kind of treat she should get when she fills it up...

She tells me she wants an iPod.

The Desert

The desert is still hot. A cold heat, not an enjoyable romantic heat. The sand gives me blisters. Tears my feet apart so there is nothing cute or feminine about them. The utter desolation makes me see and hear things that are not really there. The lack of water tears at my throat in the mornings and the physical pain and agony drops me to my knees.

But if I was not on my back screaming in pain I would not see the desert sunrise. It's why I don't like the colors pink and purple. We could never bottle that intensity or reproduce the the sheer relief of being a part of such a rainbow, only truly appreciated after a night of torture. In the dizzy-ness and delusions brought on by such soul starvation I miss judge where the sand stops and the sky starts. For a few short minutes every morning I spin and run and fly through a place where there is no time or constraints of gravity and mass. I just am, I just am a piece of this m moving color and texture.

And time; that steals it. My euphoria of my few morning minutes revolt against me and my well greeted friend each morning becomes my bitter enemy. It's welcome glint in the morning becomes blazing heat by noon.

In the evenings I let tears fall as I say goodbye slowly; she dips behind the furthest mound. Splashing a new and different display from morning as if she's trying to make me decide which part of her I love more deeply: the morning or the evening. Both bring pain. In the morning I know I will hate her shortly but in evening her beauty bittersweet because I know I must be without her again.

That's what I've learned about the desert. I can't cling to the mirage I saw 5 days ago, or the camel rider I thought I may heard in the silence 3 weeks ago. Trying to count days or hours spins my measly brain and trying to keep myself busy is so utterly hopeless and even arrogant. I must give myself to it. To this silence, to the time. To this space. I have learned that this time, I have to pour myself out completely. I know, I have been promised rescue. This time...

The List

I'm supposed to be working on a different list or letter...or something. I'm supposed to be writing something else but it's turning out to be harder then expected and it's gotten me thinking about me.

And I think here's a list of randoms that are me...enjoy.

I'm a hoodie and jeans kind of girl.
I fully believe every dream I've ever had could come true this next year.
I will play football in mud with my kids but I wont play volley ball in a gym with my friends.
I once was a snowboarder.
Most of my favorite people are named Jennifer.
Everyday I take a different way into work then the way I take home.
I let my two year old niece drive my car every morning.
It took me 21 years to decide my favorite color.
My favorite colors are blue and brown.
I don't like the color purple. Or pink.
I love Jesus.
Sometimes I love myself more then I love Jesus.
I want to love Jesus more then I love anything.
I would rather read a friends tattered copy of a good book then get a new one.
I won't let people borrow my books unless they will write in them.
I'll write my own books someday.
My first one, will have a subtitle.
I know who I will dedicate it to.
I have 3 tattoos.
I have never felt as independent as when I didn't have a car.
Planes flying low overhead make me nervous.
I hate the sight of a pomegranate cut open.
I'm left handed.
I'm convinced water can solve 99% of my problems. Drinking it, or being in it.
I'm passionately passionate.
I'm a cryer. This does not bother me.
I hide in my hoodie when I need to break down.
I think kids need to be kids. Boys need to be boys.
Kids are not idiots.
I believe in allowing kids to see a real world.
I'm allergic to milk and Acetaminophen.
I need touch.
I love my nose ring.
I could live on coffee and diet coke.
I've had Diet Coke in every state and every country I have ever been in.
I use organic body products. Because I believe it works.
I believe in Fair Trade and don't think it's stupid to boycott businesses with bad ethics.
My real name is Amanda.
3 people are allowed to call me Amanda.
I love jewelry.
I won't wear jewelry unless it has a story.
I don't buy jewelry for myself.
I can't enjoy the meal if the dishes haven't' been done.
I hate socks and shoes.
I can communicate almost 100% better if I can write it down.
I would survive on LOST.
I almost didn't go to DTS because I was going to miss the new Harry Potter movie.
I still have not read the last Harry Potter book.
I've never kissed a guy.
I've never had a real boyfriend, this bothers my kids at work more then it bothers me.
My niece and I are both named after my Mom.
My second set of parents and siblings live in New Zealand.
Someday I will live in the Middle East.
I love to pray.
I sometimes feel guilty that I use my influence to lead my niece to cartoons that have a global perspective or strong female characters.
I think it's wrong to eat Chinese food with a fork.
I've been using chop sticks since I was 10.

I love sushi.
My Mom convinced me to start sucking my thumb when I was 3. I have been ever since.
That does not embarrass me.
I'm not sure if I want to get married.
I want to be a "Mom."

I'm not sure what God's plan for either of those is in my life.

I'm ok not knowing.

I'm not boy crazy.

I am relationship crazy.

I need to be alone, a lot.

My Step Dad is one of the greatest men I've ever met.

He thinks I'm joking when I say that.

I love public speaking.

I've thrown up almost everytime I've ever spoke in front of a group.

I let my niece eat dessert first.

My favorite role in life is Big Sister.

I think dark skinned little girls are the most beautiful thing on the planet.
I once wrote a fairy tale.

I'm working on my second.

I love talking but not on the phone.

Airports are still once of my favorite places to be.

I'm not that great of a traveller.

I'm going to change the world.

My niece walks in heels better then I do.

I think Kelly Clarkson is the most talented female voice.

I still love being read to.

Lyndsey is the only person I will let touch my feet.

I hate when people touch my collar bone.

I'm loyal.

I love texting.

I can feel completly safe walking in the middle of the night if someone is holding my hand.

When I'm driving I talk to myself out loud.

I'm mildy obssessed with Burt's Bee's Spray On Hand Sanatizer.

I'm clinically obssessed with chap stick.

I love relationships when you know you can go beyond the surface.

I love conversations that take more then an hour.

I actually like paperwork.

I love international mail.

One day I will take my sister and my niece overseas.

Mini Vans remind me of one of my best friends. She's 21.

I work at the Elementry School I attended.

I drive by the house I grew up in 4 times a day.

I pray God lets me witness the day my niece chooses to follow Him with her life.

I shower twice a day.

I can go 2 weeks without showering and not notice.

I would wear flip flops 365 days a year if I could.

I love desert heat.

I actually love to cook.
I think respect and honor are underrated in our society.

I like laying down in a blanket but hate sleeping.

I think we overmedicate. Everyone for everything.

I can listen to any kind of music but screamo.

I love black and white photos.

My favorite outfit includes a skirt.

I don't really like being teased.

I love to love people.

I don't think I do it very well most often.

I will never stop trying.

How I See The Enemy In My Children...

As we near the end of my first week in the desert a few things come to mind, a few lessons. A few little nuggets of truth I've uncovered, even a story of reminiscence if you will.

A few days ago I was in the gym with some of my kids playing JJ's Parking Lot. It's a roudy run around game where all the kids stand on one side of the gym and pick out a car they want to be. The "tagger" or the unfortunately fast kid in the center calls out car names and dares the other kids to run the length of the gym without being tagged by him.

The thing I noticed about being in a school with kids who grow up believing basketball is the only sport known to man is that they all think the can shake up the tagger. Kids who know full well they are disgustingly slower and far less graceful then he will walk up to him until they are about five feet from his face. Then they do this little hop and wiggle deal in front of him. Bouncing from one foot to the other trying to get him to guess in what direction they are going to sprint to. I've seen it done and occasionally work in a professional basketball game but with a few over tired kids they don't stand a chance. And I keep watching them for a good fifteen minutes. Every kid has tried it and been tagged out, every kid! And yet every time they still just walk up to him and try to trip him up and get him to run in the direction they've leaned instead of the direction they intend to run to. And I'm watching them and thinking, why don't they just run? Why don't they just set off from the black line as soon as they see him and just run for all their lives are worth? Some of them, most of them in fact would have a chance that way. Because by now the tagger has gotten so used to them thinking they are his equal. He thinks he still has what it takes to take them out, but if they were to pull from this untapped supply of strength and energy he wouldn't' know what hit him by the time they had all left him in their dust.

And I'm the same way with my enemy. But I wonder if most of us are. I stand on the black line at the end of the gym. Like your average fourth grader I'll find every excuse not to run when I'm supposed to. Tie my shoes, run to the bathroom, get a drink. It's too cold, I need my hoodie on. It's too hot I need my hoodie off. And when I finally go I've already proved that I'm scared. I walk up to him. I think maybe by my own strength I can bounce from line to line. Side to side, hoping my false genius and own great ideas can throw him off. And the thing is, most times I'm so busy looking like a fool he doesn't even have to try. All he does is reach out his hand with that smug look of completely undeserved satisfaction and touch me. He didn't even have to move, and it wasn't even a struggle. Instead of making him work for my downfall, I walk right into it.

And I wonder why I live a life where sometimes it doesn't dawn on me to start off in a sprint from the line. Because the honest truth is, sometimes he's going to be faster. Even if I'm running with my short legs blazing he's still going to be fast enough, seeing me fall is still going to be worth it and he'll catch me.

The day I'm referring to, one of my 5 years olds had his little mind made up he was going to tag one of my 10 year olds. My ten year old happens to be the resident speed demon in our program but my little blond 5 year old, that's he wanted. He wanted to take him down! Dethrone him. So the little guy calls out for the older one. He knows it's not a challenge, Jacob is 5. So he does the song and dance number I've been telling you about but he breaks out of it! He takes off running to the left, not full speed but enough to leave Jacob in his dust. Except my older one has no idea how badly Jacob wants him out. He looks behind him quick and sees the little toe head right on his heels and so just as Jacob reaches out his little hand to grab him he loses his balance and comes crashing down. Chin straight into the heels of the kid running in front of him. Bringing our hero down with him. I can hear little bones rattle against the hard floor and close my eyes waiting for their first yelps of pain. But I don't hear them. I hear with utter glee the yells that the tagger has won. Our Hero lies dejected, shattered pride in a pile around him.

Sometimes the enemy is willing to risk taking my heels to chin just to pull me down. But I know that most times, if I call him out for who he is. If I chose how to the game will be played and start off running from the time I'm called. If I run with all my might, legs spinning, arms pumping, heart beating against my chest so hard it might actually rip out from the spaces where my ribs don't touch. If I don't look back. If I refuse to satisfy the fear of looking behind. I can hear his evil cackles, and feel his dirty breath on my neck but if I refuse to satisfy the deep desire to turn around, to look at what I'm facing and just KEEP GOING. I might actually win. I might make it into the arms, clapping and screaming and cheering for me on the other side. A battle won.

And so the odd title of this post was to hook you and get you to read. I don't think I see the enemy in my children. Just their flesh and this awful human condition known as the fall. I see myself in them...their innocent childhood fears so perfectly reflect my hidden ones. Wounds and sins long pushed down. Scabs that keep getting picked off and played with until what should have healed nicely has become a grotesque and painfully obvious scar.

And so I continue, if maybe I have slowed ever so slightly to a walk. I move into week two of my wilderness.

onething 07

So I'm sure by now if you're reading this you've read the post previous and my heavy heart that headed to Kansas City dragging my heels.

I'm home now and back to work full time today. Thus far...good good. I woke up really early and started myself out slow though so that may have helped. Seth would be happy to know I took his lecture on personal quiet time so serious the first week of lecture phase and don't much know how to function without it in the morning. (I've been like for a good part of my adult life thou).

And so the random bunny trail brings us to Kansas City again. I was less then excited shall we say to go. There was something really scary about being in a place of such vulnerability and just knowing that I had begged, I had pleaded, I had nothing short of screamed at God to show up and meet me there. I knew He was going to and as much as I wanted it, part of me was really scared of it. Submission equals freemdom but freedom is big. And big things take a lot. They take a lot of breaking, of trusting, of walking, of crying, of laughing, of living, of pondering, and reading, and meditating and decision making, and communicating. And all of that takes a toll on an already extremely sensitive heart.

I am always scared to go to Kansas City and I am always blown away by how much I have never regretted going. But as opposed to last year this year was quite different. Last year I walked into it, almost dragged by Jenny. I was not in church, I was riddled with bitterness and anger. Towards God, towards the church, towards people in my life. I knew who God was but I was so lost in my mess of religion and lies. God from day one last year held me and spoke to me with that still small voice of comfort. This is who I am. This is who I am. This is who I am. And it set a fire in my soul that has still not been quenched. (Though it has not survived without attack). Without that conference I would not have gotten on that plane, without a portion of truth that I could claim as my own and treasure in my heart no matter what I would never have made it through 2007 and it goes without saying that this year has most defiantly changed the entire course of my life and the very makeup of my person.

And even with that knowledge I still did not want to go. I feel like I have been ripped from my home as of recently and my heart yearns for it. In New Zealand I glimpsed if ever so slightly my real home, my destiny, my identity, my family in the Lord, His plans, His glory, His Might, His faithfulness, His Loyalty, His Mercy. I've clung to the truth that when He starts a good work He is faithful to finish it and so with that I was able to pick up the pieces of my heart and my measly collection of material possessions and load the car to KC.

But I knew the still small whispers would not suffice. I knew in my place of utter brokenness and such a spirit of lost-ness I needed Him to shout. I felt like I was Jacob gripping Him by the shoulders, "I will not let you go until you bless me! I will not let you go until you give me a new name." Give me a destiny God! Redeem what the locust have stolen! Give me a purpose! Hide me in the cleft of the rock and revel even the glory of your back! I was fully prepared to send Jenny home without me while I stayed on my face in that stadium had I not met him there. I went this year with a purpose. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and you shall find. I was going to be that persistent widow. I was going to knock and knock and knock until I wore him out with my requests. I need YOU!

And within the first worship set I was gone. I was completely and utterly broken. More by his goodness and his love for me then by his conviction (not to say my trip was without it). "You will not relent until you have it all. My heart is yours." It was during that song that a different song came into my head. "Everything I once held dear I count it all as loss. Just lead me to the cross." And I knew within a moment there were things I was clinging to with such a tight fist that I could not reach out my hands for him. The first thing He asked me to give to him was my missionary identity. I have found such purpose and such value in life from this calling on my life. So much so that somewhere along the way I've almost lost grip of my number one identity of the daughter of the king.

And I don't know if I can really explain to you how hard of a choice that was to make. Since I was a little girl I knew I was meant to be a missionary and a messenger to the nations. At 16 I stepped out and made the decision to go on a short term trip and history has written itself in that. And now almost seven years later I can see that as the attack that it was. Now after seven long years, I can grit my teeth and use that lame attempt to get me to quit as fuel to push me forward. Later in life as I grew into a young adult, into this loud, passionate, opinionated, fired up personality. I was ready to lay it on the line. I thought I was ready to walk into hell with a cross seared into my forehead. At 17,18, 19 years old the only thing I knew how to do was be passionate. Be 110%. Obsessive. Addictive. I wanted a ministry, I wanted a destiny. I wanted every book about every wrong against humanity. I obsessed over religions and cultures. I had 5 different Bible translations and absolutely no knowledge of who I truly was as a player in His Kingdom. And so I heard "no" over and over and over again. No, you are not ready. No, you are not worthy. No, you are not right for this. No, this is not your call, not your destiny. And so I spent my early adult years trying to fit myself in a mold I was not made for. I tried with meager success to make myself into my closest friend. All the while sacrificing every relationship I had that required two equal but opposite parts by trying to be a exact and submissive piece to everyone I knew. And so in the end I was nothing but a shell, patchwork pieces of people I have loved. Completely given up every ounce of my own unique person in hopes of finding satisfaction and comfort in a role that was so completely foreign to my instinct; To the intricate and perfect person created in womb almost 23 years ago. And I didn't fit. I don't fit in the mold set for anyone else. I tried so hard to find my satisfaction in the people I tried so hard to immolate. Maybe if they could fill the deep longer for something more, then I could be ok with living a mediocre life...an average attempt, a half ass effort at what in my heart, knew could be a destiny that the King Himself had called me into. Needless to say, I've spent years fighting. Fighting for satisfaction, fighting to hold on, fighting to let go, fighting for everything.

And God called me to New Zealand. I knew I was supposed to go but I had spent so many years being told I couldn't' be who I really was...but I don't blame anyone. I didn't know what my favorite color was until I was 21. I had spent so many years trying to be someone else that I didn't even allow myself the option of picking my own favorite. I sat with this application knowing it was what I was born to do but so convinced I was what everyone else said I was. And in all honesty a little scared that I was like Nelson Mandela says, "not that I was weak but that I was powerful beyond measure."

And I still cannot put that time into words. I try and I try but there is something so sacred, so sealed, so special that I don't dare try. Not yet... but I know. I knew. I learned. This is what I was meant to do. People prayed and prophesied and spoke it over my life. People fought for me to walk into that truth. And she, she literally walked every day of that time, back to back, swords raised, loyally fighting with every ounce of her strength. Not allowing me to quit. Not letting me let go of that dream...she was there when I grabbed it, she was there when I got off the floor with it, she was there behind me pushing me, championing me onward. "Run baby run!" (But this is not your story...not today. It will come when it's ready.)

And so to stand in Kansas City and slowly let my fingers unclench and let these dreams drop to the foot of the cross felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. I had no idea I could ever know such trust. I could hear him. Convincing and comforting me with his goodness and his faithfulness. "Trust me baby. I need you to trust me."

Within 5 hours he told me I could pick it back up. In a "Affection Based Obedience" breakout sessions God told me I could pick my missionary dreams back up. I was completly overwhelmed and to be honest surprised that He would give it back to me so soon. Later He confirmed it when the speaker invited me to a prayer and missions confrence in Minnesota later this year.

Later during another breakout session I heard God call me into the wilderness. You see Jesus was raised into a man, it was then that he was baptized and there the God called him into his identity. "This is my BELOVED son with whom I am well pleased." This time was most obviously this last year, with my physical baptism in Turkey and my spiritual baptism in Queenstown and also just a year of staking claim in the kingdom. I have an identity in Christ!! And so I look forward and know that I am not ready to then head out into ministry yet. Nor was he. After his baptism Jesus was sent into the wilderness to pray and fast and be tested for 40 days. THEN he began his ministry. I believe this is where God has called me for the beginning of this year. And so at one point in what was maybe the most intense worship time of the whole conference I physically held my hand out to Him, crying. "Ok, Daddy...I'm scared. I don't really want to do this. But I trust you...don't let go of me. I'm following you through this." And so I started on the 31st with my 40 day walk through the wilderness.

And it's one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. I'm weak. Voluntarily weak. I'm putting myself at the deepest place of desperation and desire and only allowing myself satisfaction through him. I'm tired...I'm hungry...I'm drained...

And every time I glimpse an out, a quiet way to quit. I see his face and I can't. There is something about this desert and even though I am only 4 days in there is something in me, in the deepest deepest part of me that knows I am not letting go until I'm out.


I'm running. I'm walking. I'm crawling. I'm crying. I'm changing.

IHOP

It's really hard to get that backpack out and pack again, by myself. To know none of you will be at the other end...and aren't here now. To not laugh or joke about whose packing what and how small my bag is. To roll Jenn's shirt and Liz's hoodie because there mine now but every time I look at them, their still theirs. But wearing them makes the distance and the space seem a little smaller.

To sit and hold her knowing Jenny's on her way over and I have to put you down and you don't understand why I'm leaving or when I'll be back. I'm not even sure if you really understand how much I love you.

And the truth is I don't want to go. I don't want to travel again as short as it may be. I'm still living out of a damn suitcase...

But I'm learning to cling to him and him alone. And I know He's going to speak and move in me in huge ways...and so I go. I hope You know, I'm searching for you. I'm running after you. You are the only thing that matters, really matters in my life. I just want you and more of you. I'm yours. Use me.

Where I've Come To With him

I didn't realize until I got home from dropping Abbi off at work that I had passed his house. There was no part of me that needed to go back. No part of me that needed to prove myself, to show him I did it. To tell him anything. To hurt him, to yell, to scream. I pulled into our driveway and it dawned on me that I had passed his and didn't even notice.

This is what forgiveness feels like isn't it?

Random Home Musings

I really didn't think that anyone still read this.

Yes, it's really hard. There are a lot of things I should have thought about before, loose ends I should have tied up, things I should have prepared for that I didn't and they are making it hard. I should have thought it would be really hard not to have a bed, really hard not to have my car, any of my own things.

The one relationship I was petrified of losing, and then convinced would never change...has. I knew it would I guess but not like this. That was my processing plan, having her here.

Psalms 13 is great. And so is the new Barlow Girl c.d.
And so is driving...even if it's not my car and it's just to run an errand for someone else. It's nice to be behind the wheel. That wil always be one of my most favorite things in the world, driving when it's dusk in winter, with music. I don't care where I'm going or why I'm going there. I love driving.

I love that Izze makes everyone sing the secret song and do a dance party before they can open her Burger King toy. Reminds me of Tim. And because she cried today and when I asked her what was wrong she said she just wanted to be naked. That reminds me of the boys too. She calls soccer: football but gets upset because she wants to be able to play in high heels. Reminds me of Jenn.

God is good.

This is so random. I am a writer but I'm trying so hard to keep myself in charge of my emotions and there going nuts. So pardon.

New Years will be nice to just start everything new...

I miss Jenn and Kevin.

I love being like best friends with someone before you ever talk on the phone. I love talking to Bitsy on the phone.

Jet lag or emotional...either way I can't eat but boy can I drink. (I've gone through $20 in Caribou gift cards in 2 days!)

Home

It is so much harder then I thought it would be to be "home"

2 weeks to go

I have 9 minutes to write this to you.

I've down to mangaged my minutes out it's so crazy here. Please pray for endurance, for my to remember what is important to me in this time and not try for more then I can take.

This is the last week of lectures, next week I think we might have two and then we have a lot of packing and getting ready for outreach. Yet this week I have to get my last book report done (due Friday), prepare my creative presentation (presenting Friday) work with my group to get our movie presentation done (presenting Friday), do my journal (due Monday but I still don't have it back from Jenn yet), get letters with the official Turkey pictures sent which means getting to the post office during operating hours, I have to work with Liz about a video part of mine that somehow got deleted. I also have to be in lectures for 3 more days, tonight one of our staff is having a huge 21st birthday party, Friday night we're back in Christchurch for our last night of Evangelism and Saturday our whole school is going to Methven. In and amongst this I need to be getting everything set for Turkey which means getting a calling card so I can call my bank, call home, and such. Honestly it's so hard because my heart wants to just sit and talk and be the shoulder and invest in relationships which are so important to me and which are radically going to change now as we head into outreach but its' so hard when I know I have to so much that is due and I'm so anal about getting it all in on time.

But God is good, lectures this week are amazing and if our schedule was any different it wouldn't be right, this is exactly what I prayed for. I would rather die of exhaustion then boredom and this time is so unique to who I am in this place.


Please know I do miss you, I desire to talk to everyone and send home trinkets and letters and what not but it is just so crazy here. I love you and miss you. Know I think and pray about all of you and that is so much more important.

3 weeks to Outreach...
There is a last desperate plea for finances. Mostly because this is the last week that (well I suppose by human means) a check could get to me and get processed before I leave.(If sent from the states)...so again if there is n ability to support this mission financially please do.

This weekend I was gone again, I went back to Methven to stay with Pastor Annie and Mark for Jane's suprise party. It was great fun to hang out with everyone. It feels like Methven is my second home in NZ and I love my family there. I got to talk to Shaz for a long time and that was fun, we're really similar...I hope she can get into Christchurch on Friday and hang out. Sunday morning I lead worship...yea I know. I didn't have Luke there to lead and my just fill in the gaps and sing backing. This time God said, it's time to lead. It was good. God is sovereign and it's cool just to see when we live out His plan. After church Annie and I were talking and praying for a long time and it was really good...God totally showed up and spoke through her and just really confirmed some things in my heart and in my head. Speaking of leading, I lead Cleft on Friday night. It's so crazy how every night it looks so different, that ministry is never the same and I love that. We're so flippant when we pray God we'll do what you want, this is your ministry. He makes sure that happens with Cleft, he makes sure we never get too comfortable and never get to sure we know what we're doing or what is going on.

I tried riding on Saturday but even thou I can walk on my ankle, being in a boot and having a board on really hurt...so I spent most of the day in the lodge which was fine. I kind of assumed I might so I brought my homework to work on and my laptop and messed around with everyones iPods and worked on my video.

I watched my first Rugby game on Saturday night. Which I'll say will be my sporting obsession when I get home, The All Blacks are flaw less!!! I mean seriously they can't make mistakes I think. But man Rugby is a mans man sport, it makes the NFL players look like pansies!

So there is your quick update.
Prayer Points:
Direction and guidance and wisdom concerning some post YWAM decisions.
Insane vision and direction regarding Turkey, continued unity and passion for that place in and amongst our team. Safety, finances.
Just real presence of the Spirit in the last 3 weeks we have together in lecture phase. A huge amount of focus and concentration for the speakers and what they have to bring, just that last surge of passion and drive to get through it and head into Outreach.
Just a real joy among all us brothers and sisters that we would just enjoy each others company and learn from each other and just really look for opportunities to love on each other.

Update

It should be the first day back at school back at home. I'm sorry I have not written in ages. I hope everyone is getting on ok. I know it's a rough week for my family when everyone has to leave each other and go back to the respective schools and jobs, etc. I try not to make it real, in my head it's still summer and your all just enjoying each others company waiting for me to get home. I don't want to really accept the fact that life goes on and my baby is going to daycare. I think that's the hardest part for me this week. But life does go on, God is good and I am where I'm supposed to be.

Sorry I have not updated you often enough as I had planned. Things have gotten so hectic as lecture phase is very quickly coming to an end. We have something like 3 weeks left until we leave for outreach. Our speakers just continually get better and we just keep getting closer to each other and learning more and more about who we are in Him and what He's called us to do. It was really good for me last night to write down 5 things that I'm passionate about and that identify me...you know narrow them down to 5 was hard and I defiantly found my way around some of them but this is me basically in a nut shell:
1. The Nations. (Specifically the US, New Zealand, The Middle East and Africa).
2. Calling Isabelle into her destiny, facilitating her passions and creativity and enabling her to walk in her God given identity. Less specific would be calling children and women in their destiny....etc. etc. Marked by deep growing mutually edifying relationships that reflect the intimacy and character of Christ relationships. To help to put in place and grow girls into passionate Christ followers and history makers who fully understand and walk in there identity He has created in them.
3.Speaking and Writing. Using and being used in that area. Photo and art.
4. Running a community center/cafe/shelter/home/school/something? Someday. Community! Upper room, raising children there.
5. Being outside. Meeting, being, singing there. Mountains, oceans, forests.

We had to make these lists before we learned about human trafficking to show how much freedom we have to pursue these dreams and passions.

This weekend we took a trip to the west coast and stayed in a hostel. We went got to see the beautiful ocean, like we were totally on the tropical side of the island so it feels and looks like your on the set of LOST. We went through the rainforest. It was the most beautiful couple days of my life. (Visually)

Tonight team Turkey is going into Christchurch for our outreach meeting to have dinner and meet with Stacy and Aaron because they've both been to Turkey. (They both live at the Sk8 house).

I'm doing so well. Tired but good. I miss you and I think of you often. I pray everything is going well and you are blessed as your start school and work again.

Yes its true.

Hey All-
If you have not heard, it is true. I've had a pretty bad accident on the mountain Tuesday. (We rearranged classes and other priorities and went up to the mountain Tuesday because it was the best day of the season). To make a long story short and spare myself extra energy trying to write details you won't understand, I fell and sprained my ankle and hit my head. I was back boarded into the med center at the mountain and they casted my foot. After we dropped everyone else off at base Jenn picked me up and took me to the ER where they had to transfer me to trauma because I was blacking out and losing consciousness constantly. They ended up making me wear a neck collar and lay flat for hours while they pumped me with morphin and took x-rays. Nothing is broken praise God and I got discharged about 6 hours later. Jenn and I stayed in Christchurch for the night and came back to base the next morning. Thursday we had our first Love Feast (which is YWAM speak for a really nice dinner where we all dress up) and reveal our "Angels" which is more YWAM speak for a game called "Angels and Mortals" which is basically secret santa all week. During the dinner and party I was getting progressively worse and ended up vomiting multiple times. So I had to be taken to the ER again. They wanted to keep me over night to to a CT scan this morning but I said no. (As a side note yes, I see today it was a stupid move but in the moment of pain and exhaustion and wanting to crawl out of my skin from pain meds I just wanted to get home.) And today I am fine. But there is your long story and update so the pictures of me in crutches make more sense.

Tommorow we leave for Church Servicing week which is where we are split into our outreach teams and go serve a New Zealand church for the week. We stay with different families from the church and do a whole bunch of different things. The Turkey team leaves early because we are going to Methven so we go a day earlier to do the normal SAturday night dinner on the house but we just happen to be staying all week to serve that church. I'm excited, I was talking to my school leader Ben tonight (Ben and Jenn thought it would be better for me to stay home from Friday Night evangelism to rest my ankle and just have some time to rest after a crazy couple days) anyways Ben was just saying how awesome church serving week is going to be and what a time of rest and rejuvenation it will be. I'm excited for the time to really be able to rally with my team and just stand together in constant prayer and ministry and really blend as a family.

It's been a little lonely to have the house all to myself when I haven't had more then 2 seconds alone in the last 6 weeks but it has been good. I took an extremely long hot shower, Jenn did my laundry before she left so I've now packed clean clothes for church serving week, I journaled and read my Bible and spent some time in prayer, I ate supper in bed and watched an episode of Lost. I'm with my team in prayer and I know they'll soon be meeting at Starbucks and then getting ready to head out to the church. Soon the Square Ministry and Skatepark guys will be back so I better enjoy my last couple hours and head to bed early. But I wanted to send off an update before I headed out of town.

Prayer Points are pretty similar still:
financies for my Turkey team. Some of us have it all, some of us have a portion, some of us have none. I pray and ask that you would pray that God would continue to provide for our whole family and not allow fear or doubt to play any part here.
For the quick and super natural healing of my ankle.
For the protection of my family at home and peace and joy to reign in our house.
For the wonderful time and divine appointments on church serving week, that we would use this time to blend as a family and prepare ourselves and our hearts for our time in Turkey.

Update

Things are going well this week.

Sunday a small group of us went to church in the evening in Christchurch. After church we decided to stop at this pier on the ocean. If you walk to the very end of the pier the next city over, when all lit up at night is shaped like a heart and you can see it from very end of the pier. Underneath the lights are neon purple so these huge waves are crashing in bright purple. It was amazing. Then we decided to go and run in the surf. It just so happened that I was in a skirt (yes, I really had put laundry off that long...) and because of the exhaustion from Saturday I had just left my hair so it was curly...so in all honesty? I've never felt that beautiful in my life. That was my Captivating moment, running in barefeet under a million stars through the biggest, most, amazing ocean in the world.

Honestly at the angle we were at if we set out in a boat, we would hit nothing...ever. Except His love, God was the only thing out there. It was amazing! (Luke is going to edit the pictures and manipulate them a bit and then I'll post them).

Sunday Jenn challenged me to a day of silence since I'm constantly so hard on myself so Monday I didn't speak at all and it was so incredible difficult on so many levels. Everyone knew I couldn't talk so they would purposely search me out and say things to me that they knew I couldn't refute. "Hey Beautiful girl." "Mandi, you just absolutely reflect the heart of God." "Mandi, you are so amazing." AH! It was also so easy to live Pslams 46 "Be still and know that I am God." It also just so happened that I was to speak Tuesday that day after so I had a lot of fresh new revlation to share. I didn't even really realize when I got up to speak how vulnerable and honest I was being but man, it was good. As far as that email goes...yea I know I'm supposed to speak. It's just a matter of God telling me when to go.

So that's basically the update for today. Prayer points? Finances. I really need outreach money to start coming in. I'm still short $2500 NZ, the quicker that money comes in the better exchange rate I will get because literally it's getting worse everyday. Checks can be sent to me at the YWAM address I posted her earlier. Just make sure they are written to YWAM. This is huge, keep up in your prayers. We're convinced miracles are coming our way, we've already seen many but we need major ones now.

Outreach!

I didn't know...

Wow, it's times like these that I really want to be back home. I had no idea anything had happened to any bridge in MN until someone here took me aside and told me call home after they had seen it on the cover of the New Zealand newspaper and all over the BBC. It's so hard to see those pictures from so far away and know that is my home. Praise God that you are all home and safe. From what we know Kevin (the other MN-ion) his family and friends are safe from what he has heard so far. None of the others from the midwest believe they had any family or friends near Minneapolis so as far as we're concerned families are ok. We are praying though.

This week has been really hard, we're doing The Father Heart of God...and it's hard to have to dig through stuff that I've buried down for so long. I've spent more time crying this week then I have the entirety of my trip. One more lecture...one more lecture.

**Queenstown pictures are on my facebook**

Tonight we're back to Christchurch to work with Cleft again. And supposedly we're supposed to find out about outreach this morning...

My book report got done and emailed off to Jenn like 1230 last night and I'm sick. Yea, just lift me up in prayer today...I really need Abba Father to come down and just hold me today.

Care packages

I got a package!!!!!!!!!

Today I was trying to take a nap because wow, I need sleep but my roomie comes yelling through the hall and has this huge box for me from Mom. Ahhh, it was so great, American snack food, slippers, a brush!!!! chapstick, pictures and letters and a painting from Izzerbelle. So I called Mom and talked to her for a long time. I was able to share with her the AMAZING-NESS of our Queenstown trip (which I know I have not told you yet because I wanted to add pictures to it) but I forgot my SIM card at the Lighthouse church which is almost 9 hours south of here so I have to wait until they send it back up here, hopefully sometime this week. Queenstown was amazing thou. Honestly...The Holy Spirit is amazing...

Also I was able to share with her what I chose for outreach. (I'll let you all know when the teams have been set in stone). I think she's supportive, I can understand if she and the rest of the fam are nervous, I am too I guess but the Lord is good. I honestly believing I am listening to his voice in chossing this country, this area has been on my heart for a long time. I'm excited...God is good.

I also got a letter from Grandma yesterday and Mom said she's also sending a pack of snacks. You have no idea how much joy and comfort getting mail gives me. As amazing as this place is and as near as I feel to God it is nice to have a connection to home and have a reason to smile and let the good tears run. Thanks guys. I love you.

Outreach

China-Beijing
China- Shag hi
India
Fiji
Turkey
Jordan

Our choices and reasoning are due in tomorrow, teams will be announced Wednesday.

We're going to Queenstown! It's early morning and I just finished packing which I'm sure you're all astounded at. We have the same morning duties and then worship and then it's a mad dash to the vans. Liz, Bitsy and I have a plan we think might half way work to get three spots in Jenn's van. And Alice is back from the hospital and coming with us which is a huge huge answer to prayer!

Everybody get Sykpe!!!! You'll love it, don't you J and Mom? It's half way awkward when I talk and you type back because your microphone is permanently muted.

Ok I need to journal and eat breakfast (toast and Nutella baby!) and pack all my snacks in my backpack before I go to morning duties.