bored on the day off

 My 'ex' is: Non Existent
. I am listening to: Izze yelling in the tub upstairs, Saw II
. I love : lots
. My best friend(s) : Are girls
. I don't understand: Math
. I lost my respect for: the leadership title and hat
. I last ate : at Space Aliens
. The meaning of my display name is: To Narnia, it was meant as a tag line for off to New Zealand, now it's just onward to the promised land

. Love is: The only real thing
. Somewhere : Chicago
. I will always : be short
. Love seems to: be camouflaged 
. I never ever want to lose : passion
. My mobile phone is : a lot
. When I woke up this morning : I watched crime documentaries
. I get annoyed with: selfishness and bad communication
. Parties : overwhelming
. My pet: Iz
. Today: hard and fun
. I wish: I was perfect
. I really want : to snowboard

PRESENTLY-
. is your hair wet?: No
. is your cell phone right by you? always
. do you miss someone? yes
. are you tired? Yes!
. are you excited?: i'm mellow
. are you watching tv?: yea, intervention
. are you wearing pajamas?: no, twins shirt and wind-pants

HAVE YOU-
. recently done anything you regret?: no
. ever lied?: yea
. ever stuck gum under a desk?: no i'm always swallow it
. ever kicked someone?: yea
. ever tripped over your own feet?: yea

TODAY-
. have you cursed?: yes
. have you yelled at someone?: no
. have you gotten mad at someone?: yes

RANDOM-
: is there a person who is on your mind right now?: Yes
: do you have any siblings?: Yes j and abi
: Do you want children?: yes
: do you smile often? : yes
: do you wish on stars? no
: when did you last cry?: last friday
: do you like your handwriting?: sometimes, it changes a lot
: are you a friendly person? : i would like to think so 
: who's bed did you sleep in last night? the couch 
: what color shirt are you wearing?: light blue
: what were you doing at 7 PM yesterday: at perkins with abi and iz

LASTS-
. last beverage: long island ice tea
. last phone call: abi
. last cd played: a mix from j
. last BUBBLE bath: too long to remember

SIX HAVE YOU EVERS:
. dated someone twice: No
. been cheated on?: ironically yea
. kissed someone & regreted it?: no
. lost someone special? yea
. been depressed? yea
. been drunk and threw up?: never been drunk

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU
. Cried a lot? not july, june yes
. Fallen out of love? yes
. Laughed until you cried? yes
. Met someone who changed your life? yes


. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? we ordered a pizza at one something
. Are you a pyromaniac? i guess so
. Do you have too many love interests? i have a lot of things i love but no
. Do you know anyone famous? yea yea yea
. Describe your bed: Its mine, its precious, it's clean, it's perfect
. Are you spontaneous or planned? i'm both

. How much money would it take to get you to give up the internet? a lot a lot
. What was the last song you were listening to? mary jane
. Have you ever been in a play: yea
. Have you ever been in love? i have loved
. Do you talk a lot? most days
. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself: yea
. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? no
. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends? Friends
. What is your ideal marriage location? a church and the reception at a beautiful chalet
. What kind of bedding do you use? unbleached organic cotten, earth tones
. How do you eat an apple? i bit it, chew and swollow
. What do you order at a bar? long islands, mikes
. Have you ever pierced your body parts? i have not but i've gotten a lot pierced
. Do you have tattoos? 3
. Do you drive a stick? I don't but i can
. What kind of watch do you wear? nixon vega
. Do you consider yourself materialistic? sometimes
. Burial or cremation? someone else can decide
. Favorite communication method? close

Bored on the day off

+Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain person?

Yes I did. I've made sacrifices I should never have made, chosen things I should not have, gone places I shouldn't have. But I've learned a lot so I guess in the end it was not wasted time.


+What is the difference between the last two people you kissed?

Um who were the last two people I kissed? Izze and Riley. Well one is a human and one is a dog. 



+Anything been heavy on your heart lately?

Budget cuts and watching people I love people love losing there jobs and dreams. Being anxious if I'm next. Darfur. The girls I love and the way their pain breaks my heart. 


Are you open about your feelings or closed off?

I don't know...I think I wear my heart on my sleeve with most people but my true true heart is pretty deep and closed off to most.


Think of the person you told "I love you" last, did you mean it? Who was it?
Izze and of course I meant it. I don't say it if I don't mean it.

Do you hate any of your ex's?

I would have to have ex's in order to hate any of them and I don't have any and I try not to hate anyone.

Who would you say you're closet friends with right now?

jen, bits, abi, al, sarah



What's a goal you wanna reach soon?

getting the job, getting my black belt, getting in school



Whats one thing some people hate about you?

my past and the way it effects me today


Thought about someone today?

yea...duh.



Overall mood today?

Tired, I went to Batman at midnight and woke up to take the girls to school



What's something you say too much?
I don't care




Last game you played and with who?

Rock Band with the kids at work

Know anyone who's been drunk recently?
Yea


Are you happy with who you are?

I just keep realizing I want to be better, there is more things I want to do, more mountains I want to climb. But overall I realize I am what He intended



Do you judge others?

Mostly just me



Who do you tell everything to?
Um Jenny and Abi know mostly everything about everything



Where do you live?

The edge of the flame, waist deep



Did you speak to your mother today?

on the phone and through text but I have not seen her in real life yet today


Where is your sister right now?

the little one is at school, the middle one is at work


What are you listening to?

the AC and Food Network


What color is your hair?

redish brown thats threatening to go blond every time I step in the sun. My cord is red, yellow and green.



What is the last movie you watched?
The Dark Knight at Midnight


Who's bothering you right now?
me



Do you like being called baby/babe?

I love when my Mom, Aunt and Elderly black women call me baby.



What makes you happy?

worship, Cleaning, driving, cooking, my summer job, airports, Chicago, payday, good books, my iPod, LOST, Monk, air conditioning, Mall of America, mail, fridays, swimming, snowboarding, skating, surprising Isabelle, cuddling with Bitsy, movies with Sarah, bs-ing with Al, when Jenny or Heather call me "miss mandi" my ring, my cord, people playing with my hair, my phone, Turkish tea, Indian Chai, Diet Coke with Ice, Mashed Potatoes, UV, sleeping really hard, lots of pillows, IHOP, tattoos, really cool designs



Are you happy?
 I'm not always happy per say but there is always something...you know. HE's always got something up His sleeve doesn't he?


Do you miss someone?
yea,  I do.



Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
With a guy? I'm not sure. I would hope so. 


Who was the last person you gave your number to?
 Um...Kat? 



How was your day, What did you do?

It was good. I decided early I was not going to go to Sonshine today, woke up to take Izze to daycare, came back to Mom's and went to bed in the girls bed, watched Rachel Ray, went to lunch with Abi on her break, came back home, watched a documentary on Jim Jones, text and emailed friends, in a bit I'm going to pick Izze back up, then her Mom, then hopefully find something fun to do with Abi, Iz, Al and Sarah. I think tomorrow I'm going to Sonshine to see the Chicago family



When was the last time you cleaned your room?
Deep clean about a month ago, tidy and dusted Monday


Are you taking anyone for granted?
 

I don't think I am capable of fully grasping the worth of any of the people I love. They are beyond what I can comprehend and I'm fully aware of that


Where do you hide your money?
In my checking account??



How did you wake up this morning?
Abi came down and asked if I could take Iz 



Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunset?

I think they are both lovely


Are you sarcastic?

I think a little bit



How many letters are in your last name?
7



What are you excited about?

hanging out with the girls, maybe going to Sonshine, Monday, my job, Karate, school


How do you walk?

Obsessively. Duck footed.



Do you curse a lot?

...yea :/


Do you drink bottled water?

I use my nalgene and camelback a lot more then I buy bottled. It's bad for you and the earth. :) 


What's something you wish you could understand better?

Math, money, people, the human heart


Have you lost friends in the past years?

I think so.

What are you doing tonight?

Not so sure


Who was the last person to call you baby?
Izze




Is there anyone you'd like to date?
yea

Wasting Time

1: Name two facts about the last person who texted you:
1. She is beautiful.


2. She is solid. Loyal. 




02: Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings.....and?
I answer it, one of the girls is in the hospital or jail. I'm coming...



03: What is your favorite thing to eat?
potatoes

04: Where was your default picture taken?
at DTS in Oxford

05: Do you watch The Hills?
I've never seen an episode


06: What do you currently hear right now?
the t.v. mumbling, the fan, cars


07: What do you think your number 1 doing right now?
number one what? I swiped this off a myspace survey so Bits is in Flordia on her honey moon, I don't want to think about what she's doing. :) I'm kidding. She's enjoying her husband, her life, her God. As usual.

08: What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed?
me

09: Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
Prolly me eh? 


10: What's the last thing you ate?
Mashed Potatoes from Perkins. Nummy.... :?

11: Can you sleep in jeans?
Yep. I can sleep just about anywhere in anything anytime. Traveling the world will do that to you :)


12: What is something you just don’t understand?
Math.


13: Where were you on the 4th of July this 2008?
Bunker Beach, Colhours, Timberlodge

14: Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Gosh I can't even remember. No it was Izze a couple days ago.


15: Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Yea probably.

16: Do you care what others think about you?
There are a few people that their opinion of me matters to me but not to the point that I would change the core of who I am. But I think those core people think I'm pretty swell anyways so I'm good.

17: Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
Yes


18: Did you have a good day?
It's 7:30 in the morning. Thus far it's been alright. I was up until 1 am because I don't have to work until 2 so I planned to stay up late and sleep late but there the sun is too bright so I'm awake. What a whiner, the sun is too bright? Did I really just say that? For God's sake the sun is out and I'm free and happy and healthy. Yes, it's a good day.


19: When was the last time you had a fist fight?
J punched me in the head Wednesday night but the last time I fought back was high school I bet.


20: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
Trust is a big thing. And there are different levels there are guys that I trust would protect me, there are guys whose views and opinions I trust but whole body heart and soul trust? 6 or 7

21: What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
Last night I laughed at Sarah and Beth and Alex. 


22: When was the last time you got flowers?
Carrie bought me some when I was having a really rough week this spring.


23: Do you plan on moving out the next year?

No

24: What are your plans for the weekend?
I don't have any plans at this point. 


25: Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Work. It's the summer field trip staff shirt. It's an awful logo but a great color.

26: Do you like winter?
I LOVE winter.


27: Do you regret anything?
I don't want to live on regret. Spent too many years doing that. Are there things I look back and say dang I could have done that better, well yea of course. But I'm meant to learn from it and God will use EVERYTHING for good so I'm not usually worried about it.


28: Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Mostly I like conversations anytime.


29: What are you doing tomorrow?
Not sure yet. Almost have today figured out so we're looking good.


30: Do you like to cuddle?
I do. More then I think I do, I think.


31: Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Walking, peeing, going to the show, needing to talk. 


33: Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
No. I'm sure there are a couple but I don't think so. What you see is what you get. Your deal not mine.

34: Do you think you're approachable?
I think so. Which is funny cause most people would pry say no but I think I am because of the fact that strangers always do. And the people that love me do just because they do and know they can.

35: How late did you stay up last night?
1:00 AM

36: Do you like your school?
I'm not in school currently. I do feel a touch of tenderness when Park Center is in a parade or does something cool. 


37: Ever met a real life prostitute?
Many. And I loved them all. They were some of the funniest, most beautiful people I've ever met.

38 Are you going to grow apart from someone close?
Yea. Well...yea.

39: What will you be doing at 8 AM tomorrow?
It would be nice if I were sleeping but I don't think it will happen.


40: Ever danced in the rain?
I don't think I've danced but I've played and ran and such.


41: Last person you hugged?
Chris?

43: Have a gay best friend?
No, in fact I don't even know any gay people.

A Few Of My Favorite Things From Yesterday When I Was To Tired To Write It

Understanding Jesus because of a 3 year old. 

I never understood what it meant when people say

that Jesus' greatest pleasure is when we take joy in 

Him. It never clicked in my head until today when 

Izze ran to me and I realized, her desiring me

is one of my greatest joys. Her finding safety 

in my arms is one of the things of which I am most

proud. I am never too busy to lay down and cuddle

her to sleep. Then I took it one level deeper, if my niece

ever did something that the punishment was death

I would BEG someone to let me die in her place.

"And if you who are sinful can give your children good gifts, how

much more your Father who is in Heaven?"

Indian Food

It's such a comfort food. That is perfectly acceptable

to eat with your fingers. And it takes a long time

to eat, no matter how you eat it. So eating with a friend

is the best.

Birthday Gifts in July when your birthday is in March

And new journals and knowing no matter when or why

it will always be a journal and it will never

be the same. And learning Yiddish with my Jewish

sister.

Sarah

Sarah is one of the amazing people in my life.

When I'm with her I can talk and talk and talk

and she does not have to say anything but things 

start to make sense. And she encourages

and inspires and her successes make me feel like 

we've won, as a people. Like we're closer. Like we're 

doing something for the Kingdom. With Sarah I can be me.

"It's people like you and stories like yours that make me wonder

how anyone could ever say there is no God." 

Thanks.

Iron Man

Going to movies until Midnight at the cheap theater

with Diet Coke.

Movies that are so "unrealistic" but so painfully

true. 

And letting an ex-drug addict be a super hero.

And showing the world who chooses not to see

Redemption is

real.

Counseling 

And not being ashamed to say I go.

And God is moving MOUNTAINS!

And being so sure that nothing can 

change that. And being able to believe

the things that are said there.

And being SO SURE that no one and nothing

not even death

can take that away!

My name

My Mom wanted to name me Samantha.

It means Princess.

It would have fit, I think.

At last minute my Dad said it must be Amanda.

Yesterday God told me He works all things.

Even through evil He named me and claimed

me. And everyone is Beloved.

But I am literally, Latin, Beloved.

My name is AMANDA.

Mom 

 Praying and fasting together. 

And knowing that I am everything 

she dreamed I would be

when she held me for the first time.

And being able to say, this is the relationship

I dreamed I would have with her

someday.

Jon

Who is proud of me no matter

what team I cheer for.

Who makes me want to say "Dad" again.

Who wants to give me nice things

and be someone I'm proud of.

Who makes me laugh.

Shingling Roofs

Or it will be. Saturday when I do.

And laughing because both my Mom and I 

are going as an excuse to get sun

and tone up our arms.

And wanting to learn because

I will build a house someday.

Early Mornings

8 mile walks alone with my iPod before

it gets too hot.

Laughing at how "random" shuffle is.

And knowing He's grinning cause He's picking

out my iPod songs. That would be

my man wouldn't' it?

And coffee waiting when I get back.

Mornings are lovely.

And that other thing...

And knowing if you have dreams that

you could accomplish on your own

your dreaming too small.

Hoping I don't look too giddy.

 

Legally

It scares me.

A little...

But not at all.

Mostly because 7 to 11 is 5.

5 days.

5 shifts.

5 nights.

5 phone calls.

Until I'm finally free.

Because a slave is free the moment he escapes.

But is he really free if the plantation 

owner does not he's gone?

What about the moment when they 

finally reach Cairo, and step off

that boat to free land?

A free state.

A free life.

What about that moment.

What about that call.

A legal bind.

A legal break.

It makes me wish we

had mountains

or places high.

Places where I can scream

and jump.

Cliff jumping.

Sky diving.

Free falling.

Anything that would give

my blood 

and nerves

and muscles 

and bones

a place and a moment

to celebrate the way they 

deserve.

They are free.

We are free.

I am one.

I am safe.

I am 

Sound.

That E-Mail

I guess it should have stung

But it didn't. 

Not even a little bit.

Not even at all.

I laughed.

At how grown up everything starts

to feel, once you've decided to 

stop acting like a child.

And how everyone else seems to 

look like one.

How dramatic everything must be

when you decide to pursue 

simplicity.

Like getting Thanksgiving Dinner 

when all you wanted was a cracker.

The worst liars

are the people no one thought

would ever lie.

The best decoders

are ex liars.

The most selfish people are not the ones

who think of themselves first.

But the ones who think

always and only

of 

them-self.

It didn't sting.

I only wish I could have said 

it first.

Except I still think

there is something wrong

with ever saying it.

I think part of it 

goes against our humanity.

Trying to go backwards in something

that's meant to go forward.

Like walking down the up

escalator. 

Or fireworks in sunlight

In December.

It can't work because it's not 

supposed to happen.

Or laughing

When you should be 

crying.

Pink

I think I might like the color pink. 

Maybe I don't like pink but

I like the way my almost pink

bag matches my almost pink

keychain matches my almost pink

cell phone that looks good clutched

in my hand.

Or maybe the way my comfy almost pink

pants make me feel so smart in my 

U of Chi shirt even thou I'd never go.

I guess I don't have to hate pink

because she loved it

or because She hates it.

It can just be a color and I 

can just be 

a girl. 

Psalms 77

1I cry aloud to God,
   aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
   in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;
   my soul refuses to be comforted.
3When I remember God, I moan;
   when I meditate, my spirit faints. 
                         Selah

 4You hold my eyelids open;
   I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
5I consider the days of old,
   the years long ago.
6I said, "Let me remember my song in the night;
   let me meditate in my heart."
   Then my spirit made a diligent search:
7"Will the Lord spurn forever,
   and never again be favorable?
8Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
   Are his promises at an end for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
    Has he in anger shut up his compassion?" 
                         Selah

 10Then I said, "I will appeal to this,
   to the years of the right hand of the Most High."

 11I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
   yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
12I will ponder all your work,
   and meditate on your mighty deeds.
13Your way, O God, is holy.
    What god is great like our God?
14You are the God who works wonders;
   you have made known your might among the peoples.
15You with your arm redeemed your people,
   the children of Jacob and Joseph. 
                         Selah

 16When the waters saw you, O God,
   when the waters saw you, they were afraid;
   indeed, the deep trembled.
17The clouds poured out water;
   the skies gave forth thunder;
   your arrows flashed on every side.
18 The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind;
    your lightnings lighted up the world;
   the earth trembled and shook.
19Your way was through the sea,
   your path through the great waters;
   yet your footprints were unseen.
20You led your people like a flock
   by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

"On judgement day, the Ninevites will stand up and give evidence that will condemn this generation, because when Jonah preached to them they changed their lives. A far grater preacher than Jonah is here, and you squabble about 'proofs.' On Judgement Day, the Queen of Sheba will come forward and bring evidence that will condemn this generation, because she traveled from a far corner of the earth to listen to wise Solomon. Wisdom far greater then Solomon's is right in front of you, and you quibble over 'evidence.'

Matthew 12

Dodgy

Were playing dodge ball in the hallway between our bedrooms. She had the nerf ball in her hand and stepped as if to slam it into my face.

I flinched: huge. True to character. She said the day in which I don't flinch will be the day that she does.

I said I've gotten better, I used to flinch much more often and much harder. To the fact that my heart jumped so fast and the muscles in my neck, shoulders and face clenched so hard and so fast that it was painful for me to be on the receiving end of a friendly jolt of surprise.

She asked how many times she's ever made contact.

0.

In eight years there is not one time that I can ever remember her hitting me, even in a playful manner, even when I have instigated it, even when I've asked for it.

So then she asked why do I flinch if she has never hit me.

Because the other 99 out of the 100 have.

And so what makes me doubt that the one, who has never hit me, would; this time?

Instinct?

No.

And so then she laughs under her breath and says something about it being similar to my spirituality.

What? How does this have anything to do with me and God?

Well why, do you let every other relationship you've had, define that one?

I don't...

"Then why do you keep flinching?"

The Desperate Cry Of My Shattered Heart...

"My Desire"

You want to be real 
You want to be empty inside 
You want to be someone laying down your pride 
You want to be someone someday 
Then lay it all down before the King 
You want to be whole 
You want to have purpose inside 
You want to have virtue and purify your mind 
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King 

[Chorus:]
This is my desire 
This is my return 
This is my desire to be used by you 

You want to be real 
You want to be emptied inside 
And I know my heart is to feel you near 
And I know my life 
It's to do your will 
It's to do your will 

[Chorus]

All my life I have seen where you've taken me 
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen 
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

[Chorus]

"Now this changes things quite a bit, because if the gospel of Jesus is just some formula I obey in order to get taken off the naughty list and put on the nice list, then it doesn't meet the deep need of the human condition, it doesn't interact with the great desire of my soul, and it has nothing to do with the hidden (or rather obvious) language we all are speaking. But if it is more, if it is a story about humanity falling away from the community that named it, and an attempt to bring humanity back to that community, and if it is more than a series of ideas, but rather speaks directly into this basic human need we are feeling, then the gospel of Jesus is the most relevant message in the history of mankind." (Donald Miller, "Searching For God Knows What.") 

Hurt- Christiana Agularia

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day,
I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you

Can You Hear Me Screaming?

A very dear friend of mine asked me last July if I would scream, if I could scream, if I had a place, or a person who would listen or a time would I scream...

And I never answered her.

Today, yes. I would, I want to, I can't.

Good Friday?

Much updating to do I suppose.

I'm 23 now. 22 was basically the year of my life so I have big hopes and dreams for this one. And if God is going to answer the prayers of all of you so kindly praying for another extreme year, I better buckle up.

I'm moved now...
And mostly it is good. I still have not gotten used to my own space. Sometimes I wait for Liz or Joy to come bounding in, or to see a diaper that didn't make it into the garbage...or other memories that don't quite invoke the smile the others do... I'm still getting used to being able to escape whenever I want. It's lovely.

And it's Easter. Or it's the awkward death day between Good Friday and Easter.

Next week is Spring Break. My Mom is going to Georgia and I'm working over 15 hours a day, every day...and by next Friday I will be less then a month from Chicago and seeing my sisters again.

Yesterday I didn't work Kidstop but I had Isabelle so I took her to "Horton Hears A Who." I cried. At the Dr. Suess movie but let me tell you why...there is a scene towards the end of the movie where the entire city of Whooville (which fits on a speck of dust) is going to be destroyed by this evil kangaroo who dosen't understand something she can't see. Horton this huge elephant is the only one who knows thats the people of Whooville are real. He's to big to see them and they are too small to see him but the mayor of Whooville and Horton have forged this relationship and they both believe the other is real and evintually all of Whooville knows they are in dire circustance. Horton has taken on this little speck and is trying to get it to the top of this mountain where it will be safe but he has been captured and the Kangaroo is going to throw this speck in a pot of boiling oil. And the people of Whooville realize they need to make noise, they have got to be heard if they are going to saved. And so their is this scene where are these little animated Dr. Suess creaters are screaming "We are here! We are here! We are here!" And in an instant this picture of all these beautiful dark skinned middle eastern babies came in my head and the voice of these hundreds of kids screaming "We are here! We are here! We are here!" It just ripped my heart apart. Because I want to be Horton in the midst of a country full of Kangaroos. I want to be the one who hears those voices, "We Are here!"... I have to long forgotten the passions of my heart when Dr. Suess brings me more to convicted tears then pity. I'm not doing anything...

Something else that I realized yesterday. That it was good Friday. I've spent so much time being politically correct at work explaining to parents that we don't have Kidstop due to the "Spring Holiday" and getting ready for my Mom to leave town that I really had forgotten until about 3 in the afternoon that it was Good Friday. And you know, let me explain something about myself. If God forbid I ever lost one of my dearest friends, if something ever happened to Jenny or Jenn or Bitsy or Heather or one of my girls it would take me months and weeks of preparations to get ready to emotionally walk through the anniversary of the day I lost them. Everyone would know how much pain I was in, if I was strong enough to even leave my room that day. And yesterday? I didn't even remember. And the good Christian answer would be I am just overcome with the joy that He didn't stay dead. But that's in all honesty, it's not why. Because in a America, and most places, Easter is just another day right? I mean I joked with Carrie why the world would ever celebrate something like this if they didn't believe in Jesus. Why would you care about bunnies and pastel colors? I wasn't affected by good Friday because on a daily basis I do not remember that it was me who put him there. It was my deception and idolatry and betrayal that put my best friend, my lover, my creator to death. It was my fault that man had to die! And I drove around and went to a movie and a bought new under ware and did not even remember until the day was nearly over that He was gone this day. The darkest moment of redemption in history and I forgot about it.

Johnny Cash gives me shivers.

"Lord I'm returning to things I used to do. Somewhere along the journey I think I lost hold of the truth."

Want to know whats really f-ed up?

Knowing your in the wrong place.
State.
Country.
Home.
Relationships.

But that no matter what, no matter how much prayer or fasting or crying or yelling or fighting...time and space must still pass and you can't be where your supposed to be for reasons you can't control.

And your too far removed from your new "family" and not close enough to all the "family" you left so your life and your struggles and the stupid circles you run every day can go hidden everyday. You become one big secret.

And you can't cry out to one person because they don't want to be just one person. And you don't have the fight left in you. Not anymore.

And you know what I think is cool about David? When he was young and he needed to fight off that lion and the bear to save his herd...he knew no one saw him. He knew what he had just done had taken super natural strength. It had come to some little punk shepherd boy. A supernatural miracle, a sign or power and strength had come to a weakling. And no one had witnessed it. So David had to be completely convinced what had happened was real. He hadn't fallen asleep and dreamed it. He hadn't been dehydrated. He hadn't fought off a "spiritual lion" he had fought a real frickin lion! And this poor fool had to go back home blooded but completely convinced of what God had done to and through him in the wild....David had to know that people weren't going to believe him. People weren't going to listen. Or they were going to write him off.

"It's a phase."

"He thinks he's better then us because he had a lion...poor fool doesn't he remember that he's just a shepherd?"

But David knew. David knew that God had worked through him and he went home to face it and when he went to bed that night I wonder if anyone believed him at all? But he knew. He knew what God had done and obviously his faith was enough because someone else believed him and wrote it down and we teach our kids about it with felt boards now.

You see the thing with me is...I don't think I'm convinced of what He did to me in the wild.

Slung

"So in being in a sling have you learned anything about people with disabilities?"

No.

But it was a good question. You see the thing I realize is that people with disabilities...we ignore the fact that they are different. We act like we don't notice their blind or they only have one hand. (Unless your Justin...then you point it out every time you can). But in all seriousness we try desperately to ignore the fact they are different when they and we know they are not. We act like they don't need special help, like they can live a "normal" life, that we accept them without reservations or assumptions. And none of that is true. Correct?

What if that's not the way it's supposed to be? What if it's cool that this person needs a different type of book or this other person needs a special steering wheel? What if they want to be asked? What if they want to talk?

"My Mom was addicted to crack cocaine so I didn't develop correctly in the womb. I have one hand. My Mom, has been clean for 5 years. God is good."

"I attempted suicide when I was 20. Thus I cannot walk or talk. But I survived, God is good."

"I was in a house fire when I was 3 years old. I survived. God is good."

But with an injury. With an evident cast or sling or crutches. We assume everyone has a hero story and wants to talk. "Dude what happened?" "As if you haven't heard it enough, what's the story?" "What the hell did you do to your arm?"

What if I don't want to talk about it? What if my story is that I'm a cop out? I escape my lifes problems by blaring my ipod and strapping myself to a board? That I'm cocky and tried a trick way beyond my level? That I fear confrontation, jealousy and rage and instead of working through emotions I take them out on myself and my board?

What if I hate thinking about the fact that I rode again? What if I hate the fact that the inability to use my arm is my own fault? What if I hate the reminder that I must constantly ask for help?

Being disabled and having an injury are two different things. I think sometimes when you've been forced to live with it all your life. You can come to terms with being different. But when it's temporary...it's different.

But mostly I think we're asking the wrong people the wrong questions.

Tonight not again

We are responsible for what we know correct?

So what if we're really nosy?

Or how do we even know things? What if we don't want to know things? What if it was an accident? A wrong place at the wrong time thing? What if I didn't mean to look up or park right there or get out in that instance...what then?

and why...why does it bother me so much? Still....

I don't ever want my heart to stop in my throat like that again. I don't want to spend that much time second guessing myself, my choices, my ideas. I don't want to care.

But you know...side B of this whole situation...you've hurt me in ways I didn't even know you could in the last small bit of life. I should be completly removed from any of it right? But I still lose. No matter I still lose.

And I sit there, eating with two of my favorite people in the world and I think (angrily of course...) why? Why do I work so hard to advance the kingdom and fight the good fight and their are people that get to walk around as destroyers and be completely and utterly happy and blissfully unaware of any of the pain they have caused in countless lives. And then you know I realize, it's not about then. It's about now. It's about living in the Kingdom now. It's about me and Jesus and the fact that I love him. And that fact is more important then any other fact in my life.

It makes me happy.

And new life is on it's way. And good life. And pure life.

And if I could have spent my time otherwise, I wouldn't, I still would've been sitting in that dirty, overcrowded restaurant with my sister and my niece. Because that...is the Kingdom in my life right now. Loving them. Living with them and watching them grow and change and live and be.

And tonight I got to talk to a friend I have not seen in years and she still has such a peace filled presence and God blessed me through her life always. And I remembered with excitement, this is my life now. "Forget Egypt and what it represents you who carry home the vessels...." Isaiah something.

And then I remembered where my heart is. And that if God tells me I can go chase it, I can go find it, I can chase this dream and that dream and this plan or goal or vision...I can. It spurs me on with renewed passion tonight to realize again that He still speaks to me and then when He says go, I am only in disobedience...if I stay. It is always such a relief when I realize this hero that I love, is real. And that our love story is my faith story...their not separite and I need God confirmation not human confirmation and sometimes I work my life opposite of that.

God is good. God is always good. Man will never be.

But I love Him.

And all of You is more than enough for ALL of me.

I am madly in love with you and all that you are in my life. Truly and madly.

Oh the places you will go...

the plans are changing again.

as always.

in fact before when there was at least a inkling as to some type of plan to come. Something to look forward to and strive for...now there's just this really crazy dream that...might actually come true.

i didn't realize how happy you can be when you are geniunally authentically happy for someone else. i'm so happy for bits and justin. i really am far to selfish to actually be this happy for someone else...or at least i never have been before. i dont' know whats wrong with me today.

how do you be a good role model to boys as a girl when you know they are part of a fatherless generation? the best i will ever be for them is never going to come close. can the innocent and honest love of a mismatched girl who by some twist of fate ended up in their lives ever be enough?

how long do you think it takes for you to really know someone?

after that long...can it take six months for you to be totally wrong?

will it take another 8 before i realize it?

and what kind of life do i live that thats me? "i was wrong. I was wrong. I was so wrong." That's what I do. I read, write some, sleep, work and realize how wrong I've been about...everything.

Thank You Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know
and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's OK to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me,
you let me,
you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise
I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then
I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking
maybe, yeah maybe
you're mine
Maybe, love maybe

40 Days

"40 Days"

Here I am at what feels like the end
And so I come to You, my Lord, again
With this burden buried deep within
This heart that You have made
In this trial that I'm going through
I don't question 'cause I know it's true
That the sorrow brings me back to You
And You have made me stronger
It's been forty days and forty nights
Down the road of many trials
And I pray it's only for a season
'Cause in the wilderness and in the flood
You're the one I'm thinking of
And I know You've brought me for a reason
I have one more thing I've got to say
Before they try to take my life away
Let it be known that I am not afraid

Let You will be done, Lord