Tonight not again

We are responsible for what we know correct?

So what if we're really nosy?

Or how do we even know things? What if we don't want to know things? What if it was an accident? A wrong place at the wrong time thing? What if I didn't mean to look up or park right there or get out in that instance...what then?

and why...why does it bother me so much? Still....

I don't ever want my heart to stop in my throat like that again. I don't want to spend that much time second guessing myself, my choices, my ideas. I don't want to care.

But you know...side B of this whole situation...you've hurt me in ways I didn't even know you could in the last small bit of life. I should be completly removed from any of it right? But I still lose. No matter I still lose.

And I sit there, eating with two of my favorite people in the world and I think (angrily of course...) why? Why do I work so hard to advance the kingdom and fight the good fight and their are people that get to walk around as destroyers and be completely and utterly happy and blissfully unaware of any of the pain they have caused in countless lives. And then you know I realize, it's not about then. It's about now. It's about living in the Kingdom now. It's about me and Jesus and the fact that I love him. And that fact is more important then any other fact in my life.

It makes me happy.

And new life is on it's way. And good life. And pure life.

And if I could have spent my time otherwise, I wouldn't, I still would've been sitting in that dirty, overcrowded restaurant with my sister and my niece. Because that...is the Kingdom in my life right now. Loving them. Living with them and watching them grow and change and live and be.

And tonight I got to talk to a friend I have not seen in years and she still has such a peace filled presence and God blessed me through her life always. And I remembered with excitement, this is my life now. "Forget Egypt and what it represents you who carry home the vessels...." Isaiah something.

And then I remembered where my heart is. And that if God tells me I can go chase it, I can go find it, I can chase this dream and that dream and this plan or goal or vision...I can. It spurs me on with renewed passion tonight to realize again that He still speaks to me and then when He says go, I am only in disobedience...if I stay. It is always such a relief when I realize this hero that I love, is real. And that our love story is my faith story...their not separite and I need God confirmation not human confirmation and sometimes I work my life opposite of that.

God is good. God is always good. Man will never be.

But I love Him.

And all of You is more than enough for ALL of me.

I am madly in love with you and all that you are in my life. Truly and madly.