Faith, Fear and Financies

My dear sweet Faithy Lou learned to walk this week.  (Check out my Facebook for the video.)So very much our Faith, laughing and smiling the whole way. No fear, no regret, no half in, half out. If she's going to go for it, she's going to go for it all.

I'm attempting to be more like my ten month old niece...

I recently made a big decision to do something pretty big in faith. I'd been praying about the decision for weeks and felt that I had heard God clearly point me in a certain direction. I continued to pray about that choice, asking for timing and direction. During a quiet time with the Lord about a week later I felt like He said move. Do it! So I quickly found two people I trust a lot (one with me in community now and one supporting me in the States) and both confirmed implicitly what I believe God was telling me, DO IT!

I decided to walk in faith, vulnerability and honesty in asking others to help me with a "project" of sorts. I sent out a lot of emails, messages and texts. Explaining my heart, my desires and my journey the last few weeks. Seeking support and encouragement. Went to bed that night on the top of my little mountain of faith.

And woke up the next morning...to nothing. There was no magical money tree growing in my room, there was no massive anonymous box or envelope, there was not even an email. And without even wanting to I began to doubt my choice, did I make the right one? Did I ask the right people for help and prayer? Did I do something wrong? Could I have been better? Am I doing a good job? Until I was nearing a place of doubting my purpose in that choice. And I found myself asking the most important question, what happened to all the confidence you had last night?

There is a quote from a movie coming out soon where a father is explaining survival to his son,

"Everyday will be a fight for our lives. For you to make it you must know a few things. First, fear is not real. Danger, danger is very real but fear? Fear is a figment of your imagination."

I love that. What is real in this current situation? Do I trust my God and the word He spoke to me? Do I trust that God can speak to me just as loudly as to others around me? Do I trust that my God is above all else, a faithful provider? I do. I very much do. There is nothing about my life here that I can do within my own strength. There is nothing I can do in my own power. Trusting my God with my whole life takes a lot of faith. And in Him, there is no room for fear. Learning to walk in that, takes a lot of faith...

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I am currently in need of financial support and help. This is an incredibly humbling task, raising support. One of the things I believed God has called me to do recently was to give money to someone else. This is one of the scariest things I've done because in this life, I don't have a paycheck. My money, as ridiculous as this sounds is very precious to me. I would like to think I'm a generous person, with my "stuff" my belongings, my time, my prayers, my conversation. But with my money, nope. Not in the past. Even if I'm not spending it, it's comforting knowing it's there. That when next months bills are due, I have it. It's there, I can pay my staff fees on time, I've got a little extra to bless a friend with coffee or a treat. I've been excited as I've been here to be able to burn off some areas of my life that needed to go, and in that space I've really deepened my personal relationship with the Lord in a way that I am confidant hearing His voice. Confidant but not comfortable when He asked me to give. I spent a long time reminding Him that I'm a missionary. I felt the need to remind Him that I'm not "working" for a paycheck right now and I don't know the next time I will. I also felt the need to remind Him how uncomfortable and humbling it is to have to ask for money. I spent a long time reminding the master and creator of the universe all the things I think He may have forgotten. (Ya, me the human). And still ever so gently He would tell me, "Mandi, you need to give that away. Hun, you need to give that away. Manders, it's not yours. Give that away." And so I did, with fear, in-trepidation and I'll admit even dragging my spiritual little feet a bit. (A little slack...it's my first time). And similar to the previous story, the next time was still a day. There was no intense reward multiplied ten times. My checking account was just quite a bit smaller. And fear tried to trickle in again as I began to think of God's word for the first story and the second. How are these two things going to match up God? I believe you've spoken but in my humanity I don't see how things are going to work. But I believe His words. I believe He's quiet voice to my heart that my obedience will be rewarded. That He is faithful. That He's a good Father who owns all the money in the world. He'll make sure it gets where it needs to go. And so I stand, on my way to a going away party, to send a friend off on a new adventure marked by amazing signs of God's faithfulness. Knowing and trusting, He loves me and my time is coming. He is a good Father who loves giving good gifts to His children.

To help

I didn't realize in the email that I sent to many of you that I didn't include a link to be able to help support financially. It is on the right side of this blog, through Paypal. Thank you for all your help!

A copy of my March newsletter

(A copy of my March newsletter, if you would like to be on the list that gets these sent to email please let me know)

Family and friends,

Here I am almost two months into my “Kiwi life.” I'm almost daily made breathless by the beauty of this place and how blessed I am to call this my home, my ministry and my job. (Although I was mildly jealous of that Minnesota snow day a couple weeks ago).

I'm going to aim for sending out a newsletter once a month or so to keep as many people as want to be involved in what ministry is looking like here, what my successes and struggles are, and the needs that come up. I will continue to blog and that will frequently be a more intimate look at the things I'm doing and the ways God is moving in my life here. (http://tonarnia.blogspot.com) Please feel free to forward this to anyone that may be encouraged or benefit from it.

Ministry: In this second month I've spent more time with the Smith family. James and Caroline are part time staff on our Father's Heart Cross Roads school and James also works at our local elementary school. I spend a few days with their boys, Titus and Zephyr so that James and Caroline can be a part of the school and prepare for baby number three!

Titus and Zephyr

On the hospitality department front, the last week and the next week are super busy here at YWAM as we will shortly have five schools here! We have the Around the World in 80 Days DTS and the Father's Heart Crossroads DTS which are in their first few weeks of lecture phase. As well as the Justice DTS, Backpackers DTS and Climbers DTS which are all back for their debrief and graduation week. We've had a lot of rearranging to do, beds to set up and make, etc. The next week we will have close to 110 people here for each meal!

As one of the Snowboard DTS school leaders, Loren, is back some of the admin stuff to do with that school can start for me. As our school leaders have been accepting the new students for the upcoming school I've been finding them online and getting them into our facebook group to start even an “online” community and answer questions before they start arriving in a few months.

I've also loved being able to support the current AW80 (Around the World in 80 Days staff) I live in an apartment with their female staff so I've loved sharing breakfasts, coffee, and movie nights with them when they get a spare hour. This past weekend they took a group to Akaroa (about two hours from us) to go kayaking. I got to go with because I can drive the trailer with the trailer (Thank you Jesus for Snowboard school). What a fabulous day! It was such an awesome time to be able to connect with their students and enjoy God's amazing beauty. Susie and I were kayaking through the bay when a dolphin spouted not a meter away from us!!

Susie and I after kayaking with dolphins 

This week I asked to lead our intercession time. A time we set aside every week as a base to pray on the benefit of others. We break into small groups to seek God's heart for a certain person or people group, etc. To see if the Lord will speak to us or give us any words or Scripture to encourage or lift up others. (Similar to how Abraham interceded for Sodom). I felt like God was leading us to pray for Venezuela as they're in midst of major change as a country. It was a really awesome time for us, a lot of people really felt like there is great hope coming for that place as their election draws nearer.

Leading Intercession

Training- Training has also started. I'm in my second year of our Basic Leadership Training School. So once a week I meet with some of the other staff that are on our base and we study, pray, talk, and fellowship together. We've got a lot of the same journals and book reports the students do. Currently we're working out way through the book “Strengths Based Leaders.” I also meet on Wednesday mornings with some of the base staff in a smaller prayer/accountability group. We've been sharing breakfast, prayer and lots of laughs together.

Just Me: March has started off well. This week particularly I have been blown away by new revelation from God almost everyday. I was invited to sit on lectures these two weeks and am just enjoying learning and receiving so much more than I thought was possible. I've posted on Facebook that I've literally written my way through FOUR brand new pens I've been writing so much. This is just a season that I'm learning and able to process so much through writing. I've really enjoyed building relationships with the staff and students that are here. I'm continually blessed by conversation, community, playing games, challenging each other, laughing and how normal it is to always pray for each other.

Prayer Needs: As always thank you so much for praying for me. Although the road has not been easy, I am so blessed to be in this place in this time. God is moving in big and small ways in my life and the lives of those around me. So thank you, thank you. If you would continue to pray for me:

• That God would continue to reveal His heart to me, His heart for me and the nations. That He would speak loudly and clearly to my heart. That He would continue to be near. That my life would be marked by great freedom, great grace, great faithfulness because of His love. That my heart would always and only be found in His hand.
• That would continue to get applications for students and staff for the new Snowboard Discipleship Training School that will start in late June.
• As my birthday comes this Monday that God would mark this next year of my life with an even greater revelation of who He is, his faithfulness, blessing and grace.
• God has been faithful in finances in this season and right now I'm praying for an abundance of financial support for a specific amazing  opportunity that is still is prayer stages. (http://tonarnia.blogspot.com )

Thank you all for your love, prayer and support of God's call on my heart into missions. My life is being changed everyday, my heart more and more tender to His voice. I'm being prepared to take this love and this message into the nations. Thank you for partnering with me on this journey!

In His love and blessings,

Mandi

March, in like a lamb...same as everything in New Zealand.

Update time...

One of my most common "jobs" around here is hanging out with the Smith boys, Titus and Zephyr (2 and almost 1). Last week found them all coming down with the yucks so of course this week found me in Christchurch going to Urgent Care with a bad case of strep. Prayers for continued speedy healing and praise that my allergy prone self seems to be doing fine with penicillin  Who'd thunk?

I've started listening to The Moral Revolution Podcasts recently. http://podcast.moralrevolution.com/ Admittedly this is one of my first real ventures into the world of podcasts and I'm not sure I'm "doing it right." Most of these are so good I'll listen to them on repeat for two or three times through. Some of them I'll leave on while I'm sleeping in hopes that my subconscious brain is absorbing it and will bring it into recall some time later in life when I need it. (Yep, I'm that dork). Some of my favorites are "Your head and heart" and "Forgiveness". I'd steered clear of a particular one called "Dating in Community" I mean let's be honest, what do I need to know that for? Well, I'd heard a friend talking about it highly and so I decided to listen. Maybe it would teach me something about supporting people that are dating within my community. It was FABULOUS! Both a charge for those dating and those not. A ton of hope for those not dating yet either, to both be a support and what to expect when life does come into that season. (I still recommend "Forgiveness" highest of all of them that I've listened to but "Dating within Community" is definitely in the Top Ten. Then, an opportunity to put it into practice...

Two of my friends here are dating and last night male part in this little pair decided to take female out to a nice dinner. So roommate and I were being goofy about it and acting as security detail, etc. Defiantly having fun, poking fun and being nosy, the fun easily watchable parts of community. Some of her female students were giddy, peeking out through bedrooms they were hiding in...we sent them off a good evening and headed off to do our own thing. But today I was processing some of that in light of living in community. Most of these students only know the couple as they are now, only as dressed the nines, flowers, driving off the a nice meal. They don't know the YEAR this couple spent in prayer, accountability, conversation, waiting, and surrender  Surrendering their emotions and thoughts and feelings and wants for God's best. What option would bring Him the most glory and gain them the most integrity in this narrative. That demands great honor and support. Those who can wait, not just in a relational sense, in any sense within the Kingdom, those who can wait are worthy of great honor. Those who can put what they want, their plans, what feels good to them on the alter of Christ and be willing to wait for Him to create something that brings Him great glory? That is one of the most romantic things us humans are capable of I think.

Our Basic Leadership School also started this week. It's the leadership school that all staff go through here. We meet once a week in a big group and through out the week with mentors and one on one. We have assignments and journals due similar to the Discipleship Training School students as well but our is focused on training and caring for us as leaders. I'm really, really, really excited for this season of "BLS." Immensely excited actually. It's a great time to connect with the other staff here, a fun time to be loved on and encouraged by the leaders above us, a time for accountability and feedback, a time to learn from other leaders in different arenas in life. I'm just really excited that this place seems to be excited about growing us, caring for us and championing us as leaders. It makes this place an awesome place to grow as a leader.

Loren's back! It's been great to be able to talk with him as he's come back from a leadership school on the North Island. He's got a whole arsenal of new perspectives and ideas that I'm really excited to see worked out. It's also been fun to start to see the ball rolling on our Snowboard School and start to see prayers and times of intercession turn into emails and files and acceptance letters.

That's this week in a nutshell. I've been blessed with nice timing of different chats online with close friends and family, beautiful weather, supportive community around me that encourages me to rest and heal from strep, and an iTunes gift card sent from a friend in the states.

Confrontation: Why it's all about Daddies.

While I have an intense love of conversation and probing questions, I've always been bad at confrontation. Bad? To say that I'm bad at confrontation is probably painting me in too positive of a light. I'm awful at confrontation. I bend, buckle, and break at confrontation. I avoid it, run from it, or in many circumstances pretend it doesn't exist. In the midst of it I will usually say "yes" when I mean "no" or agree when I am opposed. I will usually very quickly give my side of the argument up or turn myself around in circles verbally until I'm usually apologizing at the end...


How do I give you back story on my next topic, this afternoon I had a conversation with my "Papa." Now my Papa is not my "Dad," not my birth Dad at least and in this conversation is not referring in any sense to God as my Heavenly Father either.

Most people know that at best my birth Dad has been "absent" for the last many years. I choose to believe in my heart of hearts that in his heart of hearts my Dad is a good man. That somewhere lost in years of addiction and mental disorder there is still a man left in there who loves the three beautiful daughters he helped create. But circumstances, many of which he is choosing he can't live in that reality right now. (I still pray that someday he will be able to). Regardless for most of the hardest years of my life I was without a Dad, in any earthly sense. (And while we are still a few months away from my Mother's Day manifesto on the amazing testimony of my Mom's life; let me just take the moment to clarify that she is one of the most amazing women I have ever known. I am very clear that without her intense fighter's heart, passion, zeal and immortal soul three women and two little girls would not be here). But this story is about Daddies.

The last couple years as I've journeyed further into adulthood, further into a period of life where I feel I should be entering into intentional relationship with another man, have cut apron strings and headed out into the world on my own I have begun to realize that my heart is crying out for my Daddy. Because no matter what, what little girl doesn't want her Daddy? What twenty seven year old doesn't want her Daddy? Instead of placing men on scales of potential mate material like my peers, I have actually processed men I met in my head on their merits of a father. "If I had a Daddy, I would want him to be like you..." Ironically I've also spent the last many years sitting in on numerous teachings from many different ministries and leaders about exploring the Father's Heart of God and accepting an identity of Sonship through Christ, but again this story isn't about Father God right now either, this really just is about my Papa.

A couple years ago I had started working in a new ministry and met a pretty cool guy. One of our first interactions was driving a van load of kids three hours up north for a weekend retreat. I was pretty excited to get put in the van with him because although I didn't know him outside of his name and fondness for volleyball I assumed he'd have good taste in music. (Years later I'm wondering what I was thinking, he's only got three songs on his iPod under the genre "Rap/Hip Hop" and their all remixes of the same song!) He's a lot like me in that he wastes no time getting to know someone though, or maybe that was me and unspoken trust I knew I had for him from day one. All I remember is by the time we got up to camp, we'd faded the music really loud in the back for the kids and really quiet up front and I had told him more about who I really was than I had told  most people in years. By the time the weekend was over, he'd given me very symbolic advice about a ring I was wearing that I took and have held to, to this day. Unfortunately the Lord called him out of that ministry shortly after that trip but we continued to keep tabs on FaceBook and tease each other when I would see him playing volleyball. A year or so later him and his wife spoiled me one winter weekend by asking me to puppy sit while they went out of town and I got a house, three warm pups, beer, organic groceries, and a king size bed to myself for the weekend. It was than his wife and I started a not very consistent relationship of a "hi" here or there and surface level conversation when we would all end up at the same restaurant. A last minute New Year's party found me at their house again when the year I skipped IHOP.

Last year both him and her were guests at a wedding I was personal attendant at. This was five days before I left for New Zealand. His wife ended up taking me aside at the wedding and pouring insane amounts of truth and life over my trip and ministry heading into YWAM again. A few days later as I was leaving a text that they wanted to be monthly supporters of my ministry. I left for YWAM overwhelmed of course by all the emotions of leaving, the excitement of a new journey and the business of working as a full time missionary. But in the back of my mind this remembrance of what she had said to me at the wedding, how could someone know me that well without actually knowing me? Hit the mark so clearly on my heart without ever having journeyed there?

As the weeks and months passed, my relationship with her grew. We spoke almost daily on Facebook, from "hi" and "thinking of you" to deep, tear filled conversations as I learned to live this life, sometimes with great success, sometimes with bruises and bloody knees. Without knowing it another 'family' was being birthed. I came home in December and after days with my family, collapsed on their couch, I was finally completely home.

And skipping many of the steps and some of the intimate details which belong to us as a family I am now back in New Zealand having left two families behind. My family of Mom, Jon, Jessi, Dan, Abbi, Izze and Faith whom I love as much as anyone coming from an amazing family can love and my new family, my Papa, other Mum and an awesome second set of siblings. This is a family we chose. A committed,  intentional "grafting in" while still seamlessly being deeply committed and connected to my original family. I have spent many hours bawling as my Papa and Mum have poured truth over my life, as they have covenanted to me what walking out this new family life will look like, what it's like to give emotional birth to a full grown adult. What it looks like to "parent" a twenty seven year old. We spent our first family Christmas together this year and I even got sent here with a "baby blanket" of sorts. (Another long story for a different time).

This afternoon I was talking to my Papa (yep, it just doesn't get old being able to say that as a part of my normal vocabulary). We were talking about a very touchy, sensitive subject.

Ok.... we were talking about boys.

For one of the first times that I can remember, I was interacting in a Father/Daughter conversation. I was trusting. I was being loved. I was confidant of my security as his daughter. I knew to this man, I am the most beautiful twenty-something on the planet. He literally does believe I am kind, creative and worthy. It dawned on me as I was processing later, this is what security feels like. This is what a daughter is supposed to feel from her father. I am supposed to be less strong than he is. I am meant to have less answers than he has. I am meant to need his wisdom, his care, his direction. Even as an adult.

There is so much confidence that comes from knowing who you are...

I'm am learning there is also much confidence to be found in knowing whose you are.

This year, I am on a massive counter strike to everything that seeks to detract me from being the best version of me. The most whole, healthy, happy version of Mandi that God has had designed and planned since Creation. I knew sooner or later learning to deal with confrontation and uncomfortable conversation would be a part of that journey. Today that opportunity came...

Shortly after my chat with Pops I had a conversation with someone here that set me uneasy. Perspective was off, interaction badly timed, my Spirit was bristled. I defaulted to saying "yes" and agreeing and went about my task. It was in this I felt myself also defaulted to an unpleasant attitude and even fair bit of stress attached to having agreed to something I didn't actually agree with. I felt myself starting to get angry with this person and more upset with myself for in my mind "wussing" out of actually saying what I believed. I continued to clean one of our spare rooms and prayed quietly to myself. At some point I started replaying my conversation with my Papa and in some small head space decided to stop what I was doing and go have a conversation with the person I had disagreed with. It was a very small matter, that after clarifying was understood by both of us in a different and much more agreeable light. But for me, actually coming to that conclusion was so small compared to the process in my head and heart that got to a place of confrontation at the first place.

It was the eyes of my heart being opened to the truth that was already there. A truth that perhaps was waiting for a Daddy to open up...

My mind is worthy and valid because it was created with the utmost care in the hands of Creator God. My choice to agree or disagree with another person does not stand to make any type of statement on my identity as a Beloved Daughter of the Most High King. (And I capitalize that because that is a royal identity with a whole lot of street cred in the supernatural thank you very much!) As an adult, living in very close community, with lots of people with their own eyes, ears, hearts, perspectives and ideas there are bound to be disagreements that require confrontation. It's not really the end of the world is it? That conversation has no bearing whatsoever on who I am or how much I am loved and cherished. It needed to happen, it happened and life went on it's merry way.

But for me that small little conversation was a real big deal because it represented a real new understanding for me. I am learning what it is to be secure in the grasp of a Heavenly Father by learning what it is to be secure in the arms of an earthly one. I am learning what it is to accept my identity as beautiful, beloved, cherished, pursued, fought for, provided for, blessed, taught, protected by my Heavenly Father because I am seeing it walked out by an earthly one.

And my Papa? He loves me.

Old school, new school

It has now been close to three weeks that I've been in New Zealand. On Friday I had a chance to go into Christchurch with Dave and Ben to meet up with Laura. (All three of whom were staff on my DTS six years ago). It was a fun trip into the city but more than that for me it was meaningful on the drive home as I talked with the boys about what they saw as their successes and failures as a leader. We talked about my successes and failures as a student underneath them and also as a leader last year. And while I'm still not comfortable in my own skin enough that talking about mistakes is FUN, it's significant. One of my goals this year is to become a master of perspective, continually seeking a different one in order to learn the most from a situation. Sitting as a former student with some of my leaders, talking about what they saw as their mistakes was a very insightful perspective for me. Once I got home and was writing  I realized for me what a beneficial perspective it will be. I get to do this thing again, I get to learn from not only my own mistakes but from theirs as well. I get to celebrate and try to replicate their successes and mine. While at times it made me feel pretty old, (to keep referring to six years ago when it still feels like yesterday) I feel really blessed to have been able to have those conversations with those guys.

We've also welcomed in the two new schools, the Around the World in 80 Days DTS and the Father's Love Crossroads DTS. During the welcoming ceremony (which I had been a part of on my DTS) those who had been previously welcomed unto the land and the leaders sat on one side of the yard and the new students sat on the other. I'm sitting there, realizing which side I'm on. I'm not the new one anymore. I am a part of something here, I'm welcome here. Later in the night a leader here came up to me and said he believed God wanted me to know that I'm here for a reason. That there is a significant purpose for me being here in this season. That while people may be trying to define what I'm doing or my time and roles here to close my ears to those things. That God has a bigger work to do in my life than the work I feel I need to be doing here. To trust that I am here for a purpose. Clearly, the significant moments of this weekend just keep on coming.

Saturday night a friend and I ended up on the mountain looking at the stars and chatting. Talking about all things YWAM, the struggles, the joys, our goals. Sometimes there are really obvious things we all miss, family, normal jobs, comfort zones. But than sometimes you find yourself sitting under a million individually created twinkling stars completely aware that the One who created them, spent even more time and attention creating you, orchestrating life as it has been to get you to that point. Not knowing what it is, but knowing that it is, I am here for a reason.

We begin.

The sun sets in Oxford behind me from the nook in the dining room I find myself again. This time in shorts and a hoodie; sunburnt neck and shoulders, sand fly bit ridden feets. In so many ways, I've left home and family. But in so many other ways, I have come back home.

I am here. Back in Oxford where a huge part of my heart will always belong. My last few days in the States were wonderful. And while I don't want to toot my own horn, I am proud of my ability to have stayed present and in the moment while preparing to conquer such a mountain in my life again. My last few days in Minnesota were amazing, spent with my Mom, sisters and nieces. We took Faith to American Girl and my Mom bought her her first American Girl doll which I hear has been named Lucy. We also managed to get Jess hooked on our families new favorite obsession : LUSH. I am happy I went home for two months inbetween my seasons here at Oxford. I am blessed beyond belief by an amazing, beautiful, supportive family. I am so proud of them, of us, of who we are today. While it made leaving harder because times were so sweet, it also made leaving easy knowing that they are standing back, loving me, supporting me, cheering me on, praying me forward.

From Minnesota I flew to Denver to spend a few last days in the US with Sophie,  And in a cheesy yet important and symbolic way wanted her to be the one who sent me off on this new chapter. Colorado is absolutely breathtaking, for multiple reasons I am so glad I went but a huge one being seeing that much awesome creation prepared my heart to head back to the most beautiful place I've ever been. Speaking of beautiful, I also was beyond blessed to meet back up with Kathryn, Alyssa and Jenny from last years school and hear of their amazing adventures living in obedience and faith in God's plan. I am so PROUD of those girls! So proud. It's been really fun to be back in Oxford and be able to share some of their stories with those who knew them here, everyone is so encouraged when a member of our little family heads out to bring the Kingdom in other places of the world. Leaving is always hard, and leaving Colorado was no exception. I got on my plane out with courage and boldness though, holding each other in the airport Soph prayed life, joy, blessing, and adventure over my next season. A few minutes later my "little brother" Steve called to pray blessing, peace, freedom and encouragement over my time until he will see me again and finally as I was getting on the plane my Mom called to pray protection, blessing, her pride and joy over me as I headed out. A powerful place to be, I'm not surprised that shortly after the plane took off, I slept for a solid seven hours.

 I landed in New Zealand many hours later and without even being able to control it a sneaky grin plastered itself over my face and wouldn't leave. I can tell you, at this point it was completely out of my control to be able to contain that smile. I'm still very much in transition here. Just as I've traded my long, soft curly hair for awkward, hippie dreads that are taking a long time to "take" and probably longer to get used to. I've traded in a life I know and am comfortable with for one with very little known plan, waiting and anticipating God's voice or direction every morning, at this point and than it's going to take some getting used to. At this point, I've got no idea what the next days holds, I miss my family, my girls, my friends but I can't stop from smiling. I know this smell, I know this place, I know this sky, I know these mountains, I know this place. I remember walking from the international terminal to the domestic in Auckland and catching my reflection in the glass. I was wearing a new sweater I found on clearance at Target, it has quarter sleeves so the new tattoo I had inked in honor of my two nieces is still healing in the sun, a new backpack I've wanted for months that a supporter bought for me, before that day I hadn't used the ear buds that came with my phone, I'd never listened to the new Justin Beiber acoustic album I was listening to, and every time I see my new hair it still throws me for a loop. Everything about my reflection was new, but the place familiar.

Who is this girl God? I asked. What's your plan for her here? Amazing sometimes, how far we have to go to be able to get so close...

And so I'm home. Many of my questions are still unanswered. My role and jobs here are always changing. It's a big time of transition around here, with people coming and going almost daily as we prepare for the new season. I'll be helping out in a lot of different areas. I'm helping to transition in our new head cook, a sweet 24 year old Kiwi girl named Gina, so what I'm sure will come as a huge shock to my Mom, I ended up back in the kitchen today. I've been hanging out with the AW80 staff, half of whom I already knew and half of who are new. I'll start reading "Strengths Based Leadership" and take the Strengths Finders test tonight to get ready for BLS on Thursday. I'll be helping Cindy with hospitality as she's still recouping and healing from a couple injury's earlier this year. Tomorrow I'll start getting my feet wet with the admin side of SDTS and Wednesday start nannying some friend's little boys so they can train with the rest of their staff. I'm still finding time to find a quiet nook to read, journal, run, walk, listen. I've been doing a lot of listening. Mark Parker is here leading training with staff and he's such a man of wisdom, hearing him go back and forth with staff is hilarious, insightful and challenging. I'm loving being here while the Crossroads staff are in training. They are SO full of wisdom and gentleness. My favorite times of the day are meals, when we sit outside in the sun and talk and talk and talk. Conversation here is the best!

My favorite quote of the night was Joe's advice when you realize you like someone.
"You pray about it. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. And then you pray some more. You let that sucker cook!"

Yes, I'm learning lots! Today during worship we were singing, "You work all things together for my good." And it hit me like a ton of bricks, God really does work EVERYTHING together for my good! Scripture promises it. (Romans 8:28). There is so much freedom in that truth. When things don't go as we thought they should, as we planned, as we hoped. If we trust God it must mean that He has something better planned right? I mean if He's working ALL together for my good, than His plan for the situation must be better than what I had planned for it right? What grace for dealing with disappointment. "Yea, I wanted A, B, and C to happen but it didn't." So I trust that my God is bigger than me, so obviously there is something better than A, B, or C in His plan.

And instantly my cynic mind thinks, "Yea but what about dealing with people and they're sinful, they have their own motives and intentions. Yea, maybe God has my best in mind but what about the rest of the world?" And that's a hard verdict in a place like this. So much of EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY DAY is dealing with other people, namely other Christians. And I'm the senser. I'm the one who picks up on moods, hints, secret communication, I don't know where I get it or why, but I pick up on EVERYTHING. So much of this takes insane amounts of trust and vulnerability and God brought to mind 1 Cor. 13. Yes, that super over used almost cliche chunk of verses about love. But love isn't suspicious is it? Love doesn't assume that other people are selfishly motivated, or out for themselves.  True love ASSUMES that everyone is acting in love! True love BELIEVES that everyone is putting everyone else first. True love HOPES.

That's my little nugget today. They've been almost daily, I'm going to need my Duck to bring me another journal cause I'm definitely finding myself in a journaling season.

I'm learning a lot. I'm being stretched a lot. It's a new journey but I'm three days in. We begin...

Beautiful Colorado

Sunday Brunch at American Girl. Abbi, Izze, Faith, Sis, and Mom.

Seeing these ladies again was so much fun!

Special times with one of my best friends in the world!

A week

"I'm brave enough for this thing right?" -Me.
"Who cares! Do it scared."

Says a dear friend last night, and that's where I stand. This afternoon I booked my ticket back to New Zealand. I will leave Minnesota next Monday evening and head to Colorado for 3 days, then off to Christchurch.

But let's back up a few days. This weekend we celebrated Mom's 50th birthday at dinner with family. Mom's not actually 50 until February 9th but I'll be in New Zealand by than and Abbi will also be out of state. After dinner Sis and Dan went out with friends so the Auntie's got Faith for the night. My niece Faith is the polar opposite from my Izze girl. While Izze is famous for her quiet, polite, reserved, cuddly personality. My Faith is WILD. She's not yet nine months old but she is our wild child. She's been crawling for months, pulls herself up on everything and attempts to walk, she's loud, she's fast, she loves being rough and wrestling and does not, DOES NOT like to cuddle. Until I found out....very late at night. My little spark plug finally settled down and cuddled up around eleven and spent a few hours sleeping on my chest. Such a special moment, made incredibly precious by the knowledge that this is most likely one of the only time I will have a moment like this with her.

The next day my Mom had planned a going away party for me. About an hour before people were set to arrive the snow started pounding so we didn't get a huge turn out but plenty of people thought it was a fitting farewell, that my home town would be buried under a four inch blanket of the white stuff. Shortly before the party started I had an incredibly encouraging conversation with a supporter from Colorado who has some awesome inside information into what my life will look like in the next year. His obedience in supporting me as a missionary and becoming a powerful member of the team that has my back will be a pillar for me in the next year. There was a huge outpouring of support both emotional, spiritual and financial. So THANK YOU! Thank you so much for coming, for praying, for giving. I watched today as my Mom bit back tears explaining some of the miracles that she got to witness this weekend. She was blown away by the amount of support I have and continues to pour out. It was huge for me to be able to hear my Mom talk about the confirmation God placed in her heart this weekend, that I am indeed where I'm supposed to be going, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, that she's confidant sending her baby "off to war" because of the love and support she witnessed poured out to me. So again, thank you so much for each and every piece of support and love that is continuing to pour out.

So next Monday I will be on my way. Tonight my Mom, sister, niece and I went shopping for girly bath bombs and lotions, got a fancy Mexican dinner and dessert at the bread store. The next week will include much of the same. Spending my last precious days making memories with my baby girls and praying, chatting and saying goodbye to dear family and friends.

I'm excited to head back, but this week will be bittersweet. I am so excited for God's plan for the next year of my life, excited to see where our relationship goes, excited for experiencing new facets of His heart and His face. I'm excited to be back in a country I love so much. Be back in my quiet little country zone, meeting new people, making new memories. But obviously I'm heavy hearted to  leave my family and my friends, being in the same time zone, my normal surroundings.

So my prayer requests this week are for peace and protection as I begin to pack and travel back towards New Zealand. Peace and time to make awesome memories with my family and friends as I  prepare to leave. Continued financial blessing and support from those that have joined up in this journey. That I would continue to find peace and confirmation and confidence as I boldly walk forward in what I believe is God's plan for me.

The joy of fasting...

So I suppose the jury is still out as to whether we're "supposed" to talk about it publicly or not but for the sake of being honest let's just go there. Let's talk about fasting...

I've always known what fasting is. The church we grew up in was big on fasting so I've always been aware of what it was, it's place in a Christian's life and just assumed it would always be a part of mine. As I grew up it (along with many other Spiritual disciplines) got lost in youth events and compromise. Cause let's be honest, fasting a lot of "things" is a cop out, for all that's worth I can say I've been fasting sex the last 28 years. I think fasting is mostly supposed to be food. I'm yet to find a place in Scripture where God asks someone to "fast" from facebook. Most of my adult life has been spent in some fashion within IHOP and YWAM, both of whom are big on fasting. I've gone a day here with a friend, a day there with the team on outreach, I rang in one year with an extended fast but I've always ended up either cheating, giving up or getting caught up in the legalism of it all, barely surviving the day and most of the time out of stubbornness. As I've been preparing for this next year, I was praying about setting goals for each month. One of those goals that I feel God is calling me to is to do an extended fast at the end of this year for me, ending it on my birthday. That'll be a big one for me. It's not something I've done before and before today I don't know that my heart would have been tender enough for me.

Well today one of my best friends had surgery. (Super minor compared to surgery last year...but surgery none the less for the over-protective-big-sister heart of mine). So I decided today I would give fasting another shot, spend the day in prayer and fasting for her. For precision for the doctors hands, a quick recovery, no pain, etc. I knew I could go without food for her. I was under no false assumptions that because I was going without food that would someone be magic power or karma or anything weird. I just knew being without food for a day would be a little miserable for me, my stomach and saliva would remind me on multiple times that something was different today. There was something to be done today, a battle to be fought. And honestly? It was SO much easier. It was so easy for me to contend for the Spirit's intervention when it came to someone that my heart was invested in, when it was someone I dearly loved feeling those hunger pangs was easy to exchange for praying for her.

And then Mom made my favorite dinner while I was sleeping, I woke up tired, hungry and cranky. Why am I still doing this? And then I remembered, and I got up and I prayed for her some more. And I tried thinking about fasting in that way. I love Jesus more than I love my friend. Way more. But it's different when we've interacted with flesh and blood isn't it? It's so easy for me to contend for a pain free day for her but when it's time to fast and pray just because it's a command? It's harder. And so I guess that's how I'll start this year, I'll fast and pray for the things I love. It's a learning and a growing process. I'm training my heart to be in a posture of obedience starting with...fasting.

Next Steps...Big ones...

Dear friends and family,

I hope this letter finds everyone safe, happy and healthy in the first part of a new year. I had the amazing oppurtunity of ringing in the New Year in Kansas City at the International House of Prayer with one of my former students from New Zealand who very quickly became one of my best friends. We worshiped in 2013 with 25,000 other people, dancing and singing to the Lord. What an amazing end to one year and fabulous start to another!

First and foremost I want to say from the very bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! Thank you so much for the ways which you have effected the last year of my life and the support you have sent while I've been in the missions field. From the financial support, to the prayers of hundreds of people around the world, the care packages, the post cards, the letters, emails, facebook posts and Skype calls. I have been blessed beyond belief in 2012 by the outpouring of support from all of you. If I had to answer the “What did you learn?” question quickly and within the confines of a one page letter, it would be that my God is faithful. I thought I knew what that word meant, but I did not. Not until this year. In more ways that I can count God proved himself as a faithful in my life; from physical miracles, to revelations of what the Father's love can do in my life, to the amazing relationships I gained, the ways I learned and grew as a person, a leader, a daughter, because of His goodness. My life has been forever changed because of my work with Youth With A Mission in the last year and I could not have been a part of this amazing opportunity without your love and support, so once again THANK YOU!!

Secondly this letter is to answer the most common question that I have been asked since being home, “What's next?” And after much prayer, counsel and conversation I finally have an answer to that question. I'm going back! While going back was always the plan, to staff next years Snowboard Discipleship Training school, God has a way of taking our plans and sometimes switching them upside down on their heads to fit into His bigger and better plan. I've been called back to Youth With A Mission, New Zealand as early as the end of this month. I'm going to be helping with our first quarter school that starts this month, training with our full time staff on base as well as helping with the administrative side of raising up next years Snowboard Discipleship Training school that I will once again be staffing come May. The past year has been such a learning expereince for me. In so many ways I believe that helping to train up young missionaries in New Zealand is exactly what God has called me to at this point in my life. I love being able to walk this journey out with the amazing people God has brought and continues to bring across my path. There are so many different facets of God's heart that you can see when you are helping to disciple and train young adults who have a heart to see the world changed for Jesus. I am incredibly passionate and excited for this call on my life. At this point I believe that God will have me in New Zealand through the end of 2013. And while last year at this time I was nervous and timid to send these letters out, this year I am excited. I'm standing in the aftermath of an incredible year of God's faithful provision and trusting He's preparing to do the same again. Heading back to New Zealand so soon after returning home has obvious financial obstacles. I've been blessed to be able to go back to my job supervising our ski school at Elm Creek, God also made a way for me to work along side my Mom at her work at Park Brook Elementary school. What a sweet way for us to be able to spend time together before I head out again! Even with my jobs, in order to go back to New Zealand when planned, I will need to help and support of those around me. Right now the greatest need is about $2000 to purchase my plane ticket into the country and the visa to keep me there. Would you consider a one time gift to help get me back to the place I believe God is calling me to invest my life? Once I am in New Zealand my staff fees for room, board and living expenses are $100/week. As this time I'll be in New Zealand much longer than I was last year I am praying that God would lay on peoples hearts to join with me and support me on a monthly basis. Even a small gift, given consistently goes so far! Would you pray about joining with me in what I believe will be one of the greatest moves of God in my life?

If you choose to support financial there are a couple options right now:

• To give online with a credit card or debit card I have a link through my Paypal account on my facebook page as well as my website: http://tonarnia.blogspot.com .
• You can send a check to me at our base in New Zealand. 14 Church St. Oxford, North Canterbury New Zealand 7443

Lastly and most importantly would you please join with me in prayer for this next year? I know for me there have been times in my life when I have felt like my prayers were just too small. But I know now and have seen personally how the prayers of a honest heart enter the throne room of God. Please join with me through prayer as I travel to and help to serve and care for the Kingdom of God in New Zealand and with students from all over the world who meet us there.

Thank you again for every form of support that I have and continue to receive. In more ways than one in the last year I realized how this life with Jesus is not something we could ever do alone. Thank you for partnering with me in this journey. Please feel free to contact me in any way with any questions. I will continue to update my blog with details and information surrounding my departure, ministry and this crazy adventure God has us all on called life.

Thank you!

In His grace,

MANDI!

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Mark 12:30

This is the power of Christ in Me...

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

This blog is long overdue, my apologies. I had no idea after the last post two weeks into Malaysia what the next two months of my life would hold. 

As is obvious from the passing of time, the seasons have changed and I find myself in my typical perch in Starbucks in Minnesota which is currently under a foot and a half of snow. 

Kathryn, Alyssa, Sophie, Janie and Sarah on graduation night.

So much of my heart is still very much attempting to transition back into American culture. As I posted the picture above I had to bite back tears as I look at those five beautiful women who I was honored enough to call "my girls" for a season. They are now on their own unique journeys all over the world having finished well. Girls, you make me so incredibly proud. I am blessed beyond belief to have been able to witness you on this journey. To have laughed, cried, fought, wrestled, prayed with for and about you. Keep running! Keep running babies! Your hearts that are so tender and obediant will change the world for Christ if you continue to allow Him to mold you into the women He has destined you to be.

The men who changed my life, my perspective, and my story.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

After graduating the students Tack, Steve, Loren and I processed through this last seven months within a week of staff debrief. Trying to anticipate what closing this season would be, preparing for the next, looking back, making changes, looking forward. I am forever changed because of these three men. Their patience, their wisdom, their integrity and their love. I've learned so much about who I am, who men are, how I function within those realities because God crossed my path with theirs. So many people ask me what I learned in the last season, the first, biggest and most important lesson I learned was that God is faithful. One of the first ways I learned that was through these being the men that God picked for me to walk this road with. 

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain:

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,

For I am His and He is mine -

Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

And so the question that everyone asks now is, "What's next?"  And now I can begin to answer that question. I will not immediately be posting this blog to my facebook because out of respect there are still people that I need to speak to face to face or ear to phone or finger to text before this becomes "facebook official."  

I am going back! That was always the plan, when I agreed to staff this Snowboard school I knew that YWAM was asking for a two school commitment from me. And while I was preparing to leave in May I would've said I would pry find a way out of that commitment within a few days of being back in Oxford and in that role I knew that I would be back for a second school. God's call had gripped my heart and refused to let go. While the last seven months have held lots of incredible challenges it was very clear to me from the first few days: I had found my place, my purpose and my joy. Living a life of leadership and discipleship within YWAM is where I was supposed to be. God's continued faithfulness at every turn and the support of countless people all over world confirmed this for me on almost a daily basis. I've never had an experience like the last seven months, have not grown like this, have not loved people like this, have not fought like this, have not seen God's face like this. 

So on my own I started making plans for the next year; I would come home after a few weeks of traveling the South Island with Sophie and spend time with family over the holidays. I was looking forward to getting to know my new niece Faith and catching up with Isabelle. I was eagerly anticipating long, processing conversations with Jenny and spending girls weekends in Chicago with Bits. Christmas with my Grandparents, heading to the International House of Prayer for New Years, everything was falling into it's place as I prepared with a full heart to end one season and begin another. In January I was making plans to move to Colorado to work within snowboarding and live with friends before heading back to New Zealand in May to staff the next Snowboard Discipleship Training school in 2013. 

During staff debrief my leadership within YWAM while processing the last school with me asked me to prayfully consider coming back to Oxford earlier than planned in a more full time role. There are a lot of reasons why I would go back so soon:  to continue and deepen the growth in my own heart, personality, and leadership that God began during the school, to create a support system within that place, to carve out my place, my home, to train under leadership there, to pour into that place in a different role, to support the March AW80 school, to strengthen my utter dependence on Christ. To be working as a full time missionary yes, but also to be strengthening the mighty work that Christ is working in my life. 

Making this decision has not been easy. There has been a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, a lot of long conversations with those whose lives will be directly effected by my choice to go, with people who have a logistics brain on how to make this happen, there have been sleepless nights, unanswered questions, fights with God, laughs, recalled memories, confirmations, support and now an immense sense of peace as I have made the decision, I am going back. 

As far as literally what will this look like in my life, many details still need to be ironed out. I need to apply quickly for a year long New Zealand VISA and start fundraising immediately. I don't know exact details yet, but the loose plan is that I will be leaving Minnesota the last week in January taking a longer route and landing in New Zealand the first week in February. While there I will be working on our base and helping to support our other base and school staff. I will rejoin my Basic Leadership School in March. As Spring comes I will help with the administrative side of starting the Snowboard school up again and then transition back to Snowboard staff in May. 

And so once again, and much, much quicker than I anticipated I am starting to fund-raise and seek supporters. There is an entirely different outlook on it this time, I am still fresh in the aftermath of God's provision. There were so many times I should've gone broke, so many times something should not have worked out, so many times that physical reality said, "This just isn't going to work," and every SINGLE time my God made a way. Every SINGLE time! I'm standing when I should not be, my dear Little Duck uses her left arm, my little brother can walk, I went, I did, I saw when I should not have. I have seen miracle after miracle after miracle. I stand in awe...

Once again, I need your help. I need another miracle. In a little over six weeks I need to be on a plane to New Zealand with a year long VISA. While I'm home for these weeks I have picked up as many part time jobs as I can. I am back at Elm Creek helping to supervise our Snowsports Academy as well as subbing in the Food Service Department with my Mom. Kidstop also brought me back on as a sub while I'm home and lots of friends have been gracious in inviting me to babysit and help with their kids as everyone heads to Christmas parties and finishing up last minute shopping.

As this times commitment is much longer I will need monthly supporters. People or families willing to commit to supporting me every month. My staff fees while in NZ are $100/week. This means if I have four families support me a $100/month my staff fees are completely taken care of! I have a friend who has been working with YWAM full time for three years now and she has multiple supporters of $10/month and she is a testimony of how powerful any gift can be! She has been supported for three years on gifts such as those! I am so grateful for every single gift and piece of support. I am currently working with the YWAM base in Tyler, Texas who will be handling my monthly supporters so that I can set up an account with them and supporters can elect to have automatic withdrawals from their checking account and YWAM will issue them tax deductible receipts. As soon as this is set to go with them I will post those directions and details. Right now, the prayer and need is for one time gifts and support to help purchase my plane ticket and VISA. I will be around church and the community to speak to people personally and my DONATE button connected to my Paypal is still active. I very humbly and confidently ask you to prayfully consider supporting this move of Christ in my life. 

No guilt in life, no fear in death,

This is the power of Christ in me;

From life's first cry to final breath.

Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand;

Till He returns or calls me home,

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

This has been one of the most powerful years of my life. A few months ago if you asked me, "Have you sacrificed for Christ?" and I would've told you yes, I have. And in many ways I did. But I sit on the edge of what feels like a huge precipice in my life. I am keenly aware that Christ is asking me to lay everything on the line for Him right now. I am being asked to be nothing, have nothing, want nothing but the cross of Jesus. This is in all honesty, incredibly scary place to be. This is not what I had planned. But I look at the lyrics of this song (which has been playing on repeat for the last two hours) "No power of hell, no scheme of man; can ever pluck me from His hand; Till he returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand." Christ has laid down EVERYTHING so that I may know what it's like to be loved by a perfect being. Christ has given up all so that I may know truth, grace, peace, love and beauty. Christ has died so that I may live. I have never been so confidant in my utter smallness. I have never been so humbled by the power of my Lover. I have never been filled with such peace after making such a huge decision. Yes, this year will be filled with struggles, confusion and at times heart ache- we're human. This will be an immense challenge, but I've never been more sure that I'm on the right side. I'm on the winning team. NOTHING can pluck me from His hand! I am held in the palm of Christ and in His power I will STAND! 

You are beyond what I understand

There is so much to report at the beginning of our second week of full on ministry here in Eastern Asia. I'll start with a really scary story about how incredibly faithful my God is:

Chinese Moon Cakes. We've eaten a LOT of these this past week!

Last Thursday after ministry our crew packed up and headed (through a half mile walk in pouring rain) to catch a ferry to the mainland where we would be staying with a new contact and doing ministry for a week. By the middle of the trip in Bekit we were traveling for hours almost everyday in two vans. The boys would ride in one van with Isaac and us girls would travel in a van with Joshua. (Isaac and Joshua are new believers that are being discipled and trained in ministry by "Auntie Janet" our contact in Bekit.) I carried us girls' passports and Tack would carry the boys' because there were lowland checks at most of the major cities and if we were to get pulled over at any point we needed to be able to show id and valid visas. Sunday was our third day in a row of ministry from sun up to well past sundown. We'd been deep in the jungle Friday and Saturday. Sunday we'd served at a local church, rushed over to serve at a old folks home and then headed back to the island to be a part of a Chinese revival service that went well past midnight. After that late service our caravan stopped for a late dinner. At dinner I was walking up and down the road with Sophie processesing what had gone on at the service. In this heat I decided to buy a second round of drinks and went to the van to get my wallet. The insides of my stomach have never dropped to my feet as fast as they did that night. The passports and my cash were gone! I didn't know what to do but stand holding my mostly empty purse for a few moments. Not only my passport but the other three passports that I was responsible for. I  looked everywhere in the van hoping, biting back tears and praying that they had fallen out in the safety of Joshua's van. I replayed every moment of the day and the contents of my purse, kicking myself for the times I let it out of my sight for even a second. I become almost convinced that I had left the passports on my mattress when we had left that morning and so we headed back to Auntie's house to see and hope that I was right; I had never put them in my purse that morning. Our whole van prayed as we drove back and I rushed in when we got home to discover my gut instinct was right; I had put them in my purse and they were indeed missing. At this point it was almost 2 am and no way we could contact anyone at any of the ministries we'd been a part of. The only choice I had was to attempt sleep for a few hours. We'd contact the ministries in the morning and if there was no luck the girls and I would catch a bus to the Embassy in KL to start the process of getting new ones. When I went to dig out my phone to set an alarm for the morning my heart dropped a second time. My phone was also missing. This was almost as disheartening for me. My phone has all the photos I have taken since we've been here, it has photos of my nieces, memories from DTS,  recordings of our speakers and worship times. Things that unlike a passport in the end cannot be replaced. I tried sleeping and holding unto hope. Some believed that if two things were missing out of my purse it seemed more likely that my purse had tipped and the contents fallen out while others believed that 4 American passports and a nice cell phone missing seemed much more like robbery. I had a really hard time sleeping, I wanted so badly to break down and cry and scream and throw things and run around in fear. I knew in a moment it was my fault and my responsibility that four American girls were now in a third world country without federal identification. But I knew my team was looking to me for a reaction. I knew that how I handled this situation would set the precedent for our time in BM. It would set an example of how leaders work in stress and in fear. I didn't handle it perfectly, I know that. But I managed to force myself to fall asleep for an hour, I managed to cry quietly and pull myself up the next day. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it was my fault but it was not the worst thing that could happen and I know that now. The next morning the church from the morning and the old folks home called us back to say they'd checked with no luck. The evening church (which was an hour and a half drive back unto the island) called to say they would find a pastor and let us in to check. So we sent the guys unto the HIV clinic and us girls went with Joshua and Auntie Janet back to the island. Once there (as outreach would have it) we found out the Pastor was actually on his way back to the mainland to drop someone off at the airport. We'd wait an hour before we'd be able to get back into the church. We were having juice and char que teo when Joshua got a phone call. He set his phone down and I was ready to hear, "Ok we can go check." When he said, "Let's go! They have your phone and passport!" And took off running. I bolted behind him telling myself to take it with a grain of salt, maybe it's lost in translation. His Chinese to my English...But he was right. We ran to the church, the girls yelling and screaming behind me and a man on a motor bike handed me my phone, all 4 of our passports and every single bit of my cash! I think in many ways, I still have not fully understood just how faithful God is in that incident. I don't know that I ever will. All I know is since I left the US almost seven months ago my God has been BEYOND FAITHFUL to me at every single step of the way!

The girls at "Auntie" Janet's house at our first night in BM.

Working at an Orphanage for Indian Children. 

This was only the second time I'd worked with an orphanage before and easily one of my highlights  from our trip to BM. We had planned a little program with a few songs and the boys were acting through the story of David and Goliath but that only got us through about 3/4 of our time there. Andy was our superstar of the night. He got in front of all the kids and started telling the story of Noah and the Ark, calling the kids forward to act out the different animals. He captivated all of them and left all his big sisters and brothers speechless! He was amazing! This was also a good night for me because really soon after getting there a little Indian girl found her perch on my hip. Before long her head started nodding and I knew the inevitable was coming; for the first time since May I got to rock a baby to sleep in my arms! What a peaceful comfort for us both. On the flight to Singapore Soph and I watched this movie called, "Beasts of the Wild South," about this little girl whose pretty abused and one of her quotes in the movie is, "I can count the number of times I've been lifted on two fingers." And as I was rocking this little girl Soph came up and said that line to me and it hit me, I wonder how many times this little one has been rocked to sleep. I wonder as one of my many in a place like this how many times she's been, "lifted" into someone's arms and whispered to as she falls asleep. Sometimes in this environment I get upset with myself or put on undue pressure that I'm shy and have a hard time walking up to strangers and preaching to them. I'm a teacher, a coach, a shoulder, a confidant but an evangelist? That night as I whispered prayers over that sweet baby girl, I was sure of the woman God has made me into. I may not ever lead someone to Christ in the sewers but I will hold a lot of sleeping babies. And that moves the heart of my Father.

Lunch at the School for Disabled Children. 

Our team at the first jungle village we visited. 

Later in the week our team took part in some pioneering frontier missions. As much as I've always known this was God's call on my life, there were parts of me that never, ever thought this would be me. We drove for hours on end through dirt and jungle to reach people who were living in basically garbage bag houses. We didn't have long with any of them, some of them had no written language let alone a Bible. We brought songs, hugs, smiles, candy sometimes, clothing, food. Today while processing through some of this as a team I asked everyone to share an image or something they saw that will never leave them; some of these photos are the ones that will never leave me.

Organic farming where most of these men make their living. 

As girls some of our ministry opurtunities need to be a little creative because of gender roles and rules here. The men in the first village loved running around and grabbing the stray puppies for us to hold. (Although I DO NOT condone holding stray animals most days ;) 

Janie and her incredibly gentle heart towards animals.

It's one thing to see it on tv or listen to people who've been there, it's totally different to be here in reality. People actually live like this...

I don't know whose cuter, the puppies or the kids ;)

Jer and his super tender heart for the Lord. This man will change generations.

Worship at the village we were in at night of Indonesian migrants.

Sophers leading worship.

Andy giving a testimony that had us all on the verge of tears. His honesty and vulnerability in being abandon and his hope in Jesus was something these villagers could relate to and understand.

Church in the jungle!

Jeff preaching!!

Alyssa and the one child in the village. 

Alyssa praying over the woman. Thank you Jesus for your Spirit that can cross language barriers.

Riding in the jeeps up the tin mines.

Super dusty.

Our family photo at the top of the tin mines.

I think everyone on our team was super effected by the last village we went to. Here there was no written language, no missionary, no ministry presence  The work here will be long and take a lot of people dedicated to this cause. Here girls have one of two babies by the age of thirteen. Men have ten wives each (this is why there are so many women and children and not many men and also why all the children tend to look alike). We brought food, candy and clothing. Hugs, cuddles, high fives, attempted to teach phrases in Malay and English. These are more images that will stick with me forever.

Waiting in line for candy, cookies and clothes.

That smile melts my heart every time I look at this photo.

Sophie attempting to gain the trust of these young ones. By the time her and I got into the van a few hours later there were three girls yelling to us, "Goodbye I love you. Goodbye I love you."

She is someone's Isabelle. 

I think my Mom has seen this image in her head since I was born.

This little man stole my heart!

Jeromy got to help baptize one of the fathers and one of his wives.

Little lizards EVERYWHERE!!!  

Dinner at midnight! Joshua's dear children Matthew and Evon who joined with us in ministry most days. We were so blessed to be able to share cuddles with these ones and encouraged by their little hearts.

Family style supper.

Soph, Janie, Andy and Tore lead worship Sunday morning.

Back to our side of the Island.

I was hoping my niece would be proud of these photos. Feeding monkey's on our day off. Joshua and family came to the Island to take us out for a day at the beach we stopped here to see the monkey's first.

Brendan and Tore both got stung by jelly fish! (No no one had to pee on them, vinegar works just as well.)

Alyssa's birthday celebration on the beach.

The beautiful locals only beach where we all got FRIED! (And aloe is 30RM a bottle!)

Curly hair makes the best beach hair! Me and "Junior"

And so here you find us, relaxing at home after a night out doing street evangelism with an amazing ministry here. Alyssa got to go back to some of the worst places for prostitution here, and Sophie got to meet with the same person she spoke with last week, Andy and Janie got to pray for a man with a serious arm wound for healing, Jeff got to be encouraged by Peter. The work here is not easy, we work hard, we play hard, and we love hard. God continues to be faithful. Words very quickly become meaningless in this life. I realized that as I tried to journal some of this. There are times and places where nothing can be said in light of how amazing and faithful HE is. How He chooses to use us, his children out his great love for us. 

My Mom wrote on my facebook recently that I must stay in awe of His wonder in order to witness the depths of His kingdom. I think she's right; I stand in awe of His kingdom. I stand in awe of His greatness and faithfulness.