Lord of My Ring

There are about five people who will understand every word of this blog. 

Every day for almost the last three years I have worn a silver ring given to me by someone very important. It was a hand me down, and means more as such then it could have had it been bought with me in mind. For what it means to me now, for what it meant before it was mine, for what it meant the night I put it on it is one of very few possessions I would find myself hard pressed to ever part with. 

My ring reminds me of who I am,

Where I've been, 

Where I'm going,

and in case I could ever forget, it's inscribed with my name.

For the last year for very specific and under very symbolic reasons I have been wearing it on my ring finger. 

For a very, very brief period of time after returning home to the States I tried for selfish and silly reasons to move it back to my right hand. It only last for an hour, there was something so...off about it. It didn't belong on that hand anymore. I told myself I would loyally leave it on my ring finger until it was not physically possible for me to wear it there any longer. Whatever that reason may be.

As I have been running and changing my diet and more honestly the newest bout with Mono I've been losing weight. I've noticed it the most in my fingers. 

Today my ring fell off.

Thankfully as it's slowly grown to almost become part of my body, my nakedness was felt immediately without it and I grabbed it quickly. I put it on my next thickest finger, the middle finger right next to it. 

My ring finger feels lost without it. The only reminder is the small indentation and the faint tan line that still attest to the fact it was once there. 

For some reason, that makes me a little nervous.

Loss and Darth Vadar

There is a scene in Star Wars III, when Anakin (soon to be Darth Vadar) is talking to Yoda about these nightmares he is having that Padme is dieing in child birth. (As a Jedi Anakin is not supposed to have relational attachments including marrying and getting Padme preggers) but none the less Yoda has it figured out that Anakin loves someone and is being tortured by the thought of losing them. Yoda tells Anakin he must learn to let go of what he so desperately wants to hold on to. Death (read: change) is a natural part of life.  

I don't want to read anything too much into Star Wars but I did re-watch the scene a few times to really understand the weight of this.  Most of us know the rest of the story. Anakin becomes so paralyzed by his fear of losing the one he loves he eventually pledges his allegiance to the "dark side" and chases after a power so dark it consumes him completely. All in hopes of becoming powerful over death. All in hopes of keeping the ones he loves, keeping things the way they are. 

I've thought about this scene a lot lately as I've processed some things that are going on in my life and community lately. I have had many Darth Vadar moments in my life. When I've become dark and disgusting, willing to become anyone, pledge my allegiance to anything in order to keep things they way they are and the way I believe they should be. In retrospect I've lost more this year then I have lost in many...

And that's o.k. Sometimes I think its hard for us to be quiet in pain. We want to talk, to balm the pain with our words. Even if we're just talking to ourselves (see Dane Cook, "Crying"). It's o.k for me to say, I've lost lots this year. It's o.k for that to hurt. It's o.k to want to be quiet for just a minute. 

I would like to believe my soul has found rest in something I don't have to loosen grip on, something I don't have to let go of. Something I can fearlessly cling to with everything I am. Some unknown part of me has learned to function in this awareness. 

 

Job 1:1 There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil.

... (and we all know what the ... means!!)

Job 42:12&17. And the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning...and Job died, an old man and full of days.

**Don't actually look up Dane Cook, his stand up could be funny but is mostly inappropriate).**