Slung

"So in being in a sling have you learned anything about people with disabilities?"

No.

But it was a good question. You see the thing I realize is that people with disabilities...we ignore the fact that they are different. We act like we don't notice their blind or they only have one hand. (Unless your Justin...then you point it out every time you can). But in all seriousness we try desperately to ignore the fact they are different when they and we know they are not. We act like they don't need special help, like they can live a "normal" life, that we accept them without reservations or assumptions. And none of that is true. Correct?

What if that's not the way it's supposed to be? What if it's cool that this person needs a different type of book or this other person needs a special steering wheel? What if they want to be asked? What if they want to talk?

"My Mom was addicted to crack cocaine so I didn't develop correctly in the womb. I have one hand. My Mom, has been clean for 5 years. God is good."

"I attempted suicide when I was 20. Thus I cannot walk or talk. But I survived, God is good."

"I was in a house fire when I was 3 years old. I survived. God is good."

But with an injury. With an evident cast or sling or crutches. We assume everyone has a hero story and wants to talk. "Dude what happened?" "As if you haven't heard it enough, what's the story?" "What the hell did you do to your arm?"

What if I don't want to talk about it? What if my story is that I'm a cop out? I escape my lifes problems by blaring my ipod and strapping myself to a board? That I'm cocky and tried a trick way beyond my level? That I fear confrontation, jealousy and rage and instead of working through emotions I take them out on myself and my board?

What if I hate thinking about the fact that I rode again? What if I hate the fact that the inability to use my arm is my own fault? What if I hate the reminder that I must constantly ask for help?

Being disabled and having an injury are two different things. I think sometimes when you've been forced to live with it all your life. You can come to terms with being different. But when it's temporary...it's different.

But mostly I think we're asking the wrong people the wrong questions.

Tonight not again

We are responsible for what we know correct?

So what if we're really nosy?

Or how do we even know things? What if we don't want to know things? What if it was an accident? A wrong place at the wrong time thing? What if I didn't mean to look up or park right there or get out in that instance...what then?

and why...why does it bother me so much? Still....

I don't ever want my heart to stop in my throat like that again. I don't want to spend that much time second guessing myself, my choices, my ideas. I don't want to care.

But you know...side B of this whole situation...you've hurt me in ways I didn't even know you could in the last small bit of life. I should be completly removed from any of it right? But I still lose. No matter I still lose.

And I sit there, eating with two of my favorite people in the world and I think (angrily of course...) why? Why do I work so hard to advance the kingdom and fight the good fight and their are people that get to walk around as destroyers and be completely and utterly happy and blissfully unaware of any of the pain they have caused in countless lives. And then you know I realize, it's not about then. It's about now. It's about living in the Kingdom now. It's about me and Jesus and the fact that I love him. And that fact is more important then any other fact in my life.

It makes me happy.

And new life is on it's way. And good life. And pure life.

And if I could have spent my time otherwise, I wouldn't, I still would've been sitting in that dirty, overcrowded restaurant with my sister and my niece. Because that...is the Kingdom in my life right now. Loving them. Living with them and watching them grow and change and live and be.

And tonight I got to talk to a friend I have not seen in years and she still has such a peace filled presence and God blessed me through her life always. And I remembered with excitement, this is my life now. "Forget Egypt and what it represents you who carry home the vessels...." Isaiah something.

And then I remembered where my heart is. And that if God tells me I can go chase it, I can go find it, I can chase this dream and that dream and this plan or goal or vision...I can. It spurs me on with renewed passion tonight to realize again that He still speaks to me and then when He says go, I am only in disobedience...if I stay. It is always such a relief when I realize this hero that I love, is real. And that our love story is my faith story...their not separite and I need God confirmation not human confirmation and sometimes I work my life opposite of that.

God is good. God is always good. Man will never be.

But I love Him.

And all of You is more than enough for ALL of me.

I am madly in love with you and all that you are in my life. Truly and madly.

Oh the places you will go...

the plans are changing again.

as always.

in fact before when there was at least a inkling as to some type of plan to come. Something to look forward to and strive for...now there's just this really crazy dream that...might actually come true.

i didn't realize how happy you can be when you are geniunally authentically happy for someone else. i'm so happy for bits and justin. i really am far to selfish to actually be this happy for someone else...or at least i never have been before. i dont' know whats wrong with me today.

how do you be a good role model to boys as a girl when you know they are part of a fatherless generation? the best i will ever be for them is never going to come close. can the innocent and honest love of a mismatched girl who by some twist of fate ended up in their lives ever be enough?

how long do you think it takes for you to really know someone?

after that long...can it take six months for you to be totally wrong?

will it take another 8 before i realize it?

and what kind of life do i live that thats me? "i was wrong. I was wrong. I was so wrong." That's what I do. I read, write some, sleep, work and realize how wrong I've been about...everything.

Thank You Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know
and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's OK to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me,
you let me,
you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe
I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise
I'll try
I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then
I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe
I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking
maybe, yeah maybe
you're mine
Maybe, love maybe

40 Days

"40 Days"

Here I am at what feels like the end
And so I come to You, my Lord, again
With this burden buried deep within
This heart that You have made
In this trial that I'm going through
I don't question 'cause I know it's true
That the sorrow brings me back to You
And You have made me stronger
It's been forty days and forty nights
Down the road of many trials
And I pray it's only for a season
'Cause in the wilderness and in the flood
You're the one I'm thinking of
And I know You've brought me for a reason
I have one more thing I've got to say
Before they try to take my life away
Let it be known that I am not afraid

Let You will be done, Lord